dakadave

At least in the end she came clean...

I don't think the guy might need some help... Honestly it sounds like a suicide case waiting to happen. It doesn't sound like he has any self esteem, pride, self worth... The other explaination is that...he doesn't feel that you engauging with other people is cheating to him. Swingers for example, allow their mates to sleep around with other people. This is not a joke and a valid option imo, perhaps you should include him next time you feel the urge to sleep with someone else 3 way? I have a friend who doesn't feel that anything done prior to an official engaugement is cheating. He and his girlfriend currently have an open relationship where they are free to see, sleep, kiss etc other people so long as safety is involved (safe sex, std tests, always telling the other partner when they were involved with someoen else). I can honestly say that I believe they love each other, and one of these days they may even more into a deeper commited monogomous relationship.

So you've been together for 8 yrs ? freshman highschool > sen. college Thats a lot of history. If the relationship is worth saving, stick with it. I don't really understand why people say alchohol isn't an excuse. Have you never been so drunk you don't remember anything what happened the night before until a few days later? Have you never had a friend so drunk that can't walk but still things he can drive 30 miles to his home? Drugs and Alcohol imo while don't release the person from any responsibility however its still a valid excuse imo... I'm sorry you have anxiety issues, and its going to be incredibly tough for him to earn your trust again. Now you have to examine your relationship, is your trust going to be impossible to earn? if it is, end it now.

Background: -6 Months ago my girlfriend cheated on me we've been together for over 4 years at this point. I really do wish I had found out by her coming to me clean, but unfortunately I found out from investigation and interrogation. It was a few days before her birthday and I stole her cell phone to call up some people on her cell list of friends that I might have missed for a surprise birthday party. Found some text messages that related a story about her hooking up with another girls ex boyfriend. The txt messages were some what angry torts between my girlfriend and the guy she cheated on me with ex girlfriend. Then I get this indescribable sick feeling in my gut that feels like its ripping out my soul deep down inside to the point where I just want to vomit. She wouldn't cheat on me, she loves me.... I paniced when i saw the text message and did the following: -Called the number of the ex girlfriend -Confirmed that my girlfriend had been seeing this guy Then i proceeded to call up my girlfriends best friend who is also a friend of mine and drilled her for some information, went home used some illegal computer skills to get passwords to emails and her telephone activity and basically found that there were a few lude emails between the two, and a ton of telephone activity. [1 billing period 200 minutes between this guy and my girlfriend: To give you an estimate me and my girlfriend talk maybe 200-300 minutes a billing period on our cell phones (which by the way i pay for)] I ended up confronting my girlfriend and we fought for a day straight, lots of door slamming etc, and in the end I decided for myself that I felt the relationship was worth saving, and forgave her for her indescretions, however I still have not forgotten. Fastforward to semi-present... She use to let me answer he cell phone when it rang, check her text mssages for jokes (from servers) etc, but recently she's been acting really weird (past month) and getting upset when i try to answer her phone, and i do manage to go for it when its just lying on the table, she'll snatch it out of my hands. 3 days ago I over hear her conversation with this friend she has named Joe [i've never met him] and they hang out a lot from what I know of and I have no problems with this until....the end of the conversations ends with a whispered love ya. (Ok no real problem here b/c I say love ya to my girls that are strictly friends) except the wounds from past seemed to be reopened when I heard that. Yesterday day night I went to the supermarket for some dinner and left my wallet behind. She forgot her purse in my car and I went looking for her wallet to borrow some cash and found her cell phone. It bleeped which responded for an unread text message, so I SNOOPED AND I ADMIT IT and I felt wrong about it during the process until i read "Thinking about you and your smile cutie good night" -Joe I'm f'ing sorry but I don't think this is the kind of appropriate text to send to "a friend" So i storm into the house and confront her about it (we live together now) she exclaims (without hesitation or stammering) that he never text's her that kinda stuff and he is probably drunk or something and that he calls all his friends that are girls cutie. I leave it at that for the night pretty much and try and take her word for it. Then I get the same indescribable sick feeling in my gut, the exact same one that I got 6 months ago. I want to believe she isn't cheating on me, I want to believe that I'm not a fool and that she is being totally and completely honest. Fast forward to today. So I go online and check our Cell phone accounts (we don't have a home line installed yet [btw did i mention we live together and have for hte past 2 yrs]) to make sure we're not going over our minutes too far. Then i remembered I can check recent phone activity....I break down and SNOOP, YES I'm a GRADE A snoop!!!!!!!! I was praying as the screen was loading that I wouldn't find anything weird looking Screwed again .... I see this telephone number X that has 4 connectoins yesterday 3 day before that, and a bunch everday before that.... I check the text message log 1/3 of all the text messages she's received recently are from that same number. So i wake her up and ask her what this number is... She pauses ever so slightly and starts questioning why i wanna know... So I blatantly lie and tell her some bs excuse She says she thinks its her bestfriends numbers (which I have so i know she is lying) So I ask her why she talks to "Joe" so much because I know from the logs that Has to be his number. She says they're just friends and gets into a rage about how I snooped and she feels her privacy has been violated. In the fight some how I lost control and she managed to flip the script on me. G'damn i hate it when that happens and basically railed me making me feel bad for "not being able to trust her" and that "I couldn't just take her word for it and I had to do my "detective" work. Sadly it worked, deep down I am pretty sure he is just a friend, but when I got that sick feeling deep down I just couldn't ignore it. I tried my best to appologize for being a snoop and having so little faith in her, but truth is, I don't have that much trust for her right now (though we are working on rebuilding it and its been going well). I feel aweful for snooping, and not being able to enstill that much trust into her. She says she understands the way I feel, but when I ask her point blank is she cheating on me she says no... and i can somewhat believe her, but when I ask her if she blieves that this guy likes her more then a friend she says no...and I just can't believe that. So here I am writing this post, she is mad at me for invading her privacy, not believing her when she says they're just friends (which deep down I want to believe but am having a hard time in doing so). I feel terrible for snooping (i know its not right, but can it be justifiable?), and she still hasn't earned my all my trust yet but somehow she's managed to flip the script on me in that aspect and during our fight made me feel terrible ... O well, sorry for the long post, if anyone has read this far thanks and have a good one... I'll be sure to post a follow-up after we attempt to work this out.

Put the knife down, dump her, but do vent your frustrations as stated by another poster, play mind games with her good times

Funny, I was in a very similiar position to the one you're in now. - She had cheated on me, but the relationship was already over and it was passed text messages, instead of AIM it was text msg's via telephone. Is the relationship fighting for? If its not, and you don't need much closure, just dump him. Call him up tell him its over and move on (very hard to do) If it is fighting for here is the tricky part. I felt my relationship was worth salvaging. Unfortunately she didn't come clean to me about it either. If she had then maybe I'd have more trust in her today. I ended up having to confront her about it, and dragged all the information out of her bit by bit. After 6 months, I have forgiven, but not forgotten (I do not believe this is possible). Sadly, now i find myself on these forums with the same sick feeling I had in my stomach 6 months ago. I found another text message on her phone that set me off in a major way something like "Thinking of you cutie blahblah blah bull...crap" from just a supposed friend. And after checking phone records there has been a lot of phone transactions back and forth between the two. I'm sitting here now sick beyond belief, and its not just women's intuition. Humans have the ability just like animals to sense when something is amiss...