thespianElly

Seeing as I am going through a very similar situation (minus the living together part) I figured I'll add my bit as well... First off, I think just snooping in itself is a bad sign in a relationship because it shows that you don't trust your significant other and that really isn't healthy. Nonetheless, there are times when it truly is the last resort after questioning and interrogating leaves you nothing more than drained and confused. I've done it myself so I'm not one to talk but I certainly haven't done it ever before and felt it necessary this time around because instincts were practically pushing me to those transcripts. You have to trust your gut and if something doesn't seem right you're probably right. There's a reason we have suspision and I think it's all the little red flags that flash in front of us every time we comes accross something questionable. Your girlfriend should not be receiving text messages from a "friend" with that kind of inappropriate content in it. "Friends" don't usually address one another in that fashion and expecially not when it's your gf and some random guy. When I think of it, relationships can be tough or trying but they shouldn't be a constant source of agony and acid reflex! To be always questioning, or sick with worry or doubts is not healthy and is a way of your body letting you know that this isn't healthy. Trust and love yourself first and ponder plenty over the fact of if it's worth being drained at the end of everyday? Best of luck.

I really apprecaite your suggestions Scout and I promise I will do a lot of thinking about what I want out of this relationship and if I'm actually receiving anything in return besides negativity. It's incredibly hard when it's someone you really love because suddenly I become this irrational person who has blinders on and I swear usually I'm an intelligent person but around him that all seems to change. I understand that if he was truly a good person that none of this would have been an issue in the first place because it simply would not have been there. I've come to realize that I've been unhappy for quite some time with his lack of attention and overall interest and that I'm in a rather unhealthy relationship. I am also aware that there are guys out there who would not do this and who are genuinely decent people that would be more than a better, healthier choice. Thanks to everyone here for being so supportive and incredibly helpful, words cannot describe how much I appreciate it. ~Elly

Ray Kay, thanks for the advice I greatly appreciate it. Scout, Your comment about something just not fitting is a thought I had this afternoon regarding this whole situation. What bothers me is the absense of any sort of explaination for the content in those transcripts by his ex. She fails to mention it anywhere in her message and it truly is the root of my upset and suspicions. As for my bf, just him mentioning that I've now "totally ruined" his "friendship" with this girl indicates that I'm missing half of the story. Most likely "ruined" because I made her aware of a completely dishonest situation and because she was likely not aware I gather it's not something she'd be too happy about. What also bothers me is how much I fall into his manipulations once I'm with him. I can be the picture of strength prior to meeting up with him (and I was) with a clear idea in my head of going there and calling it all off and then I arrive, he somehow turns the whole thing around (on me!) and suddenly I find myself apologizing when all the while thinking there's something SERIOUSLY wrong here! I feel like if I stay with him and believe him that I'm letting him get away with it and as you say, leaving no consequence for his actions which sets a precedent the next time around. So I'm not crazy to think that I'm being lead on here?

I just feel completely messed up now to a point that I don't know if I should be believing him or myself. He didn't call all of yesterday so I knew something was up and figured he had found out about me emailing his ex. Sure enough by the end of the night I couldn't take it any longer so paied him a visit since I only happened to be ten minutes away. He was really pissed off and mad-completely peeved that I had the nerve to email her and said that I had ruined what they were trying to make of a friendship. This made me feel even worse because now he was putting all the blame on me and he told me that he had lost all trust in me. Suddenly I felt like everything had turned around and I feel SO crappy right now. I don't even know where to go from here. He says we have A LOT to talk about and I agreed that we do since I doubt we've ever talked about much of anything. From an outsiders view how does this look? Do you think he's feeding me crap again or honestly telling the truth. I feel like my head is totally bogged up and I can't even think clearly or logically on the subject to determine whether or not he's making a fool of me or if I genuinely screwed up. Please help!

I got an reply back just this morning from my bf's ex...I feel like I got my ounce of reassurance back but do I believe it all and put it to rest? Should I go with it and let it be? Here's the email: I don't know if you sending me yesterday's email on the same day that I sent one to him indicates that you are reading his emails, but if so, then you can see that I am trying to steer our so-called friendship into exactly that: a real friendship. I haven't been in touch with ____ for a while. His emails are very sporadic and usually come out of nowhere. I haven't seen him since we broke up almost two years ago, and since he is in Winnipeg, and I am in Montreal, the chances of us seeing each other are slim to none. We don't even talked on the phone. To sum up, our "relationship" is basically non-existent, except for the random emails we send each other every once in a while. I don't know if this helps clarify anything for you. It's the best I can do from this end. If you still have doubts, the best thing would be to ask him. I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to skip through the following. If there's one thing that would make dating ____ much easier, it would be not jumping to conclusions. There's usually a logical explanation, and most arguments are based on misunderstandings. So instead of attacking him with unfounded conclusions (which is what I always did), talk to him first and ask what's going on. The key: honesty. Just talk to each other openly, and everything will work out fine. P.S. I promised myself that I wouldn't get stuck in the middle of this, so this is the last time you'll hear from me. So that's it. I feel like I should put it all behind but do you guys believe that what I found is still a big red flag and something to be concerned about? I'd appreciate any advice given.

Interesting that your quote at the bottom of your post dakadave are the exact words that were running through my head this evening as I confronted him. As a side note I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, it's a horrible situation to be in and a lousy hand that life deals us at times. I really didn't want to do it tonight because I start up my first day at Uni in the morning but I couldn't wait another minute so ended up heading on over to his place anyway. As michael predicted he: denied it, denied it, denied it. He told me they were still really good friends and that he still loved her but in a completely platonic way. He told me i could go ahead and search every bit of his room, phone bills and comp because he "has nothing to hide" and now I just don't know what to believe. In a sick twist way I want to believe him but in the same regard I don't want to be somebody's fool. I feel like he is most likely just feeding me lines and telling me what I want to hear. I wanted to save the relationship but how do I know if he's being totally honest with me? Should I go a step further and email this ex of his and ask her just how good of friends they are?? I asked him if she knew about me and he came up with a lame "I can't remember but I don't think so..." I feel like that might be my only weapon at the moment. I must say I did go in strong and didn't cry-right away. Held composure (it was SO hard) and spilled it all out until finally breaking down once all was said. Very hard thing to do, I'm glad it was put out there but I'm still without resolution or peace of mind.

I'm meeting up with him tonight to tell him of my findings and I'm not looking forward to it. In fact I've been blocking it out of my mind since I found out about it the other day. Its as though I don't want to deal with it or think about it because in an irrational way I think that everything will be ok then. I'm confused on what to do. Do I just mention the innocent part on my behalf which would be to tell him that I saw this girl IM him on his comp?...or do I go as far as saying I found the chat transcripts with all the answers which truly give away what is really going on? Because I fear if I just mention the IM he's going to chalk it off to them still being "friendly" etc. and that's all. Appreciate the advice given immensley and if anyone can help me out some more I'd be more than appreciative. I feel sick just typing this.[/i]

thank you for the responses guys. I'm feel horribly awful right now but I know what needs to be done, I know it's not going to be a day in the park but is absolutely necessary at this stage in the game. I'm also wondering-let me know what you guys think of this but do you think it necessary to contact this other girl to tell her what her ex is up to because from everything I've read and seen I don't she's aware that I exist. He's been feeding me lines in emails that are the same to her in those chat transcripts from the same time. One of them from June 12, "i love you soooo much. more than i could have >ever imagined or even thought possible, let alone put >into words."... only to email his ex a couple days later and tell HER how much he loves her and misses her tons... PoloGirl-they broke up because she moved to Montreal for school. He told me right off the second date that he had dated this girl for about a year but that it hadn't worked out because she moved away, that they tried to do the long distance thing for awhile but that it didn't work so he put an end to it-so he said![/b]

I found something today that has left me feeling completely nauseated and sick. I was over at my boyfriends place and for awhile now for some reason I've had suspisions that something might be up. A short while ago I found a postcard from his ex-girlfriend from his birthday of this year (when I was with him) which set me off but figured they might possibly just still be on friendly terms. Well...that all ended today when I went to check my bus times on his computer after he left for work and found that she had instant messaged him. THAT didn't say much but the "chat transcripts" that followed after it gave it away and are the source of my extreme upset. My bf uses phrases that included, "I want to come snuggle up with you" "I love you" "I miss you tons" and the worst "When are you coming for a visit so we can snuggle together" (she lives in another city). All of these chats logged are logged in just the last couple of months when I was FULLY with my boyfriend. I'm shocked and almost numb to it now but I have NO idea what to do now and where to take it from here. Do I tell him what I found despite uncovering the fact that I was snooping? How to I confront him on it and how do I take care of myself right now when I feel like my world has crumbled apart. I feel SO sick to my stomach at the moment because I've never loved anyone so much out all the people I've dated and for this to happen is just one big horrendous nightmare. Please give some words of advice or strength and thanks for taking the time to read this.

thanks for the advice guys, I took all of it-regardless of which way it swung-to heart and will try and deal as best I can. Keeping an eye out is mostly all I can do for now but I do definitely agree with you Memj about many having no clue what it means to be in a relationship, that's the unfortunate part that can make life very fusterating. I sense that from him with his lack of time for me-he seems to put everything first before me and yet I feel like a total fool bc I've never loved somebody more of all the people I've gone out with. It's so hard to stop listening to your heart and use your head instead because they tell me two very different things. Anyway, thanks one and all for your help-it was comforting.[/img]

I'm absolutely nauseated this morning after discovering something that I probably should not have seen. I was over at my boyfriends place last night (bit of background: we've been going out for a little over a year, it has been "on and off" as we spent about four months apart and are now back together again) and I ended up sleeping the night which is nothing new. Now, my boyfriend is a pretty quiet guy and not much of a talker. Despite our being opposites I fell deeply in love with him a year ago and have felt the same way ever since. Anyway...he left for work early in the morning and then I who usually falls right back to sleep decided to stay up because I was really awake. A voice inside me told me "don't do it" but I did it anyway and started snooping in one of his filing cabinets. Long story short I found letters from his ex-girlfriend which were disturbing to me as they would be for any current gf to read about their bf ex. That didn't bother me as much as what I saw next (I understand that in most relationships your partner will have had other partners and possibly saved stuff like that which I don't have a problem with) which was a postcard. It was dated from just over two months ago on his birthday from his ex saying how much she missed him, signed with a heart and her pet name-"muffin". I felt absolutely sick and I have no idea what to do now. Is he still keeping in contact with her? How do you bring that up? I really can't because there's no way I could reveal that I was looking through his stuff but in hindsight I remember looking at emails with him and there being mail from the same person in his inbox with the same kind of headings. I just feel really sick to my stomach about the whole thing and when you find this out about someone you are madly in love with I just feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Sorry for making this so long, tried to keep it short but this is where it ended up. If anyone has any advice as to what I should do or just general support that would really help. I feel like I could definitely use it right now, and have really know one I can talk to about this whole situation.

thanks Hoping, that helped. My ex never wanted to go anywhere, never wanted to do anything. I remember times where I would head over to his house and say, "hey, lets go out, do something, go for a walk, anything." and he would reply with a, "I don't feel like it, you can go if you want to, you're probably really bored anyway..." and it was so hurtful and just careless. It didn't help that his roomates would be smoking every time I walked in the door, so the environment only fed his addiction-really sucked. I'd imagine it does effect everyone differently which is probably why it's hard to pin point the exact outcomes from it's usage. Thanks anyway!

Siefer, I noticed you mentioned that you were smoking about 3 or 4 times a day in the past and out of curiosity how exactly did it affect you mentally, etc. I'm asking because I've just come out of an emotionally draining relationship with a guy who smoked weed ALL the time and I wondered how much of an effect it had on our relationship and his behaviour. I just found it came to a point where I couldn't decide whether his behaviour was a result of the weed or simply him being him. If you have any comments on it I'd greatly like to hear about it. As for advice to you...it's at times hard to be tactiful when you're trying to get someone to confess but even harder when it's someone close to you. I'm assuming she's obviously not smoking around you but things to look for are mostly (and this is going to sound really simple)-the smell. I could smell it in my ex-bf's pours it was that obvious. And the rest...breath, clothing, hair, etc are usually tell tale signs.