HummingBird

Thank you guys so much again for all the advice. I was tossing and turning couldn't go to sleep last night. I didn't feel like crying. Just feeling hurt and hatred. Hurt by betrayal. Hurt that I foolishly believed that he was serious with me. And hate him for acting like a nice guy when we broke up and hasn't been honest with me all these time. I don't care anymore if I acted like a stalker. I had to channel out my rage... but this is as much as I can do. I know rest is up to me. I realized that I may need external help so I just called a therapist. Bloody expensive but I hope it's worth it. Thank you again for the support!

Update. My irrational mind finally took over and I did a horrible thing. I got curious with that site and decided to browse other members. While I was browsing for memebers who're currently online, I saw his profile. I don't know what got into me I decided to IM him. I said "I cannot believe you're here. How long has this been going on?"..no reply.. so I sent another msg "I'm surprised to see your profile here. Talk to me. I'm not mad at you. I guess you've been having doubts for a while. I respected your decision". I even called his cell. Of course he didn't answer. The minute I sent him the msg I started to regret it right away. Ok. Now I'm officially a stalker! Or at least he will think I am. I was making progress in my healing and now this! I guess this incident will really cut any secret hope for us to get back together in the future. What is done is done. At least i my mind I can really move on without thinking if we still have a chance. But the problem now is, not only that I have healing to do, I also have to live with the shame for acting in such disrespectful way. Why do smart women do foolish things? I feel so ashamed....

Thanks so much for everyone who replied. I really need your support to get through this tough time. Yes, if we know we're gonna get hurt by engaging in some meaningless and irrational actions, why do we still do it? I can usually rationalize a lot of things, but when it comes to relationships, I acted so foolishly and can't seem to stay logical. This feeling of betrayal is so overwhelming that I almost phoned him to confront him. I really can't explain my behaviour. If I could maybe I wouldn't feel as hurt. I don't know why I bothered searching for his profile especially now the relationship is over. I guess I rather believe that we ended the relationship due to incompatibilties but not because he has lost interest in me. But it is over between us, why should I care how and why it ended? And another funny thing is, I used to trust him 100% and could never think he's the unfaithful type. Why all of a sudden I lost all my trust in him? I really hope I knew the answer. Perhaps I have low self-esteem problem and just look for the reasons to get hurt subconsciously? If anyone can provide their words of wisdom, it would really be a great help. I hate myself for losing control. But I can't seem to control myself!

I realized I was behaving in a way I can't even recognize after my break up and I'm getting scared. I'll really appreciate some advice from anyone since I'm losing my mind here. My ex and I mutually agreed to break up last week. We were serious but also realized there are some incompatabilties between us. He was the one who initiated the break up, and since I'd been having doubt about our relationship for a while I agreed to end it. Though deep down I still wished he would reconsider but I was too proud to ask. My logical mind kept telling me that I should just forget about him and move on. But I still frequently experience the urge to get him back. I've been talking to a lot of my friends about my break up as part of te healing process. I found out from a mutual friend that my ex used to be on an online dating site called lavalife before he met me. Out of curiosity, I got on and searched for profiles that fit his personal description. And I almost freaked out when I saw his profile that said he last updated his profile 2 months ago when we were still together and the relationship was going well that time. Eventhough I know I cannot conclude that he intended to meet girls online just based on the fact that he updated his profile, but I still feel so betrayed. I feel like confronting him but the relationship is over, what's the point? Then I realized I'm behaving like a stalker and I hated myself for doing that. But yet, my impulse beats my logical mind and I can't control myself. He claimed that he was serious with me, and a lot of signs pointed toward that (I was the first girl he brought home after his last serious relationship which ended 5 yrs ago). Now I'm obessed with the thought that he was thinking about meeting other girls while we were together and I'm deeply hurt. Please, somebody please advice me and put some senses into my head. Do I have a reason to feel hurt? How can I stop my obssesive behaviour and start focusing on myself again?

Toni, Thank you for replying my last post about how to get my ex to open up and talk about the reasons behind our break up. You advice worked and I got him to really share his thoughts and feelings for the first time. After our "final closure" conversation, I finally realized the fundamental problem in our relationship is that we hold different views and perspectives on a lot of things. For example, I have 3 dogs but he could never bring himself to warm up with dogs let alone living with them. He also thinks he doesn't have the "emotional strength" to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. He admits that he's always had problems of being supportive and has been accused of being cold in his past relationships. But he doesn't understand why I feel the certain way in certain situation. For instance, he doesn't understand why I could get so upset after getting turned down a few job offers. Our relationship was serious and we both wanted it to work. But beacuase of all these differences, we don't see a future together and we painfully accepted the break up. Toni, now I'm in a state of deep confusion. I'm haunted by the idea that I may have unrealistic expectations in a relationship. Isn't caring and being supportive for each other essential in a relationship? During the 9 months we were together he never phoned me just to talk. I don't need constant attention from him so I accepted that and never asked him to do so. I just wanted him to lend a shoulder to cry on during my bad times. But I didn't get that from him either. He believes in staying logical and expects the same from me. I only had one emotional break down (ie. crying) in front of him and he still thinks I'm not emotional strong enough for him. I believe I'm a strong woman, but I also have vulnerable moments and would like my bf show some supports during those times. Am I expecting too much? If there are some problems I have I'd like to work on myself. I'll really appreciate you advice. I'm so confused.

Robin, I can feel your pain and anger. I'm also going through a break up myself and I'd like to share my experience with you. There are 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, depression, despair and acceptance. Both you and I are in the anger stage. We are angry coz we feel betrayed. We are angry to finally realize that the one we love took us for granted. We are angry at ourself for not seeing the truth and allowing us to get hurt. We are angry that we can't shrug it off and quickly move on like the man who left us. In order to move on to the next stage and be at peace with yourself, it's important to let out your anger. Supressing the emotion will only prolong the grieving process. Share your anger with your trusted friends and family. I also find it helpful to write down my feelings and pain, as if I'm writing a letter to my ex. Not only that it acts as the perfect channel to release my anger (since I can't bug my trusted friends forever), through this process of writing I also came to realize how much I was mistreated in this relationship. It's like a sudden enlightenment. How could I be so blind? It became clear to me that this break up is for the best and I should be glad it's over. Another method which I also find helpful is to use positive affirmation. During the process of grieving our self-esteem can suffer and we will need to regain our self-worth. I tell myself each day "I will not settle for nothing less than what I deserve". Listening to motivational tapes is also a good way of boosting self-esteem. I recently bought an audio book titled "Breaking the chain of low self-esteem". I cannot tell you how much it helps me getting pass those countless sleepless nights and depressed moments. Hang in there, Robin. I think you handled the break up with great dignity and strength. Stay strong.

Toni, Thank you so much for the insightful advice! My bf and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the past 9 months we were together, I always felt uncomfortable to tell him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receieve any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But after reading your posting, knowing that he may never be able to open up with me, I decided to let it go. Though I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on. I have a feeling that there are more issues he was not telling me. I just need a proper closure. So I suggested to meet this weekend which he agreed. Now my question is, consider that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and tell me what really went wrong?

Hi deafgirl, Men should always respect a woman's choice in the level of physical intimacy she's comfortable with. This guy may only be interested in you sexually. Or he was genuinely interested in you but felt rejected after you refused to get intimate. If he was the former, praise yourself for not giving in to a jerk like that. If he was the latter, it shows that he doesn't know how to respect your choice. Either way, this is not the type of guy you want to start a relationship with. So yes, ignore him and move on!

Do you know what he's looking for in a relationship? Have you met his family? Who are the important people in his life and have you been introduced to them? Have you ever been introduced as his gf? Sometimes finding out your status in the relationship needs not to be discussed openly. You should be able to tell from your interaction with him. If he always makes time to be with you then it should indicate that this relationship is going somewhere. And I will say if you see each other exclusively then it goes without saying that you two are a couple. If you feel that your feelings for him has grown faster than his for you, in order to protect yourself you should back off a bit. Backing off doesn't mean to give him the cold shoulder or to avoid any form of intimacy completely. It means to hold back your love and affection. Until his feelings for you catch up with yours, you shouldn't allow yourself to get more involved. Through my own painful experiences I realized most relationship problems occur when the couple's feelings for each other are not growing at the same pace. It seems that you're doing pretty well in your relationship. Slow down and enjoy the time you spent with him. But concentrate on yourself a bit more.

Confused Girl, I can deeply relate to what you're going through right now. I also have been with my boyfriend for over 8 months, and he hasn't said the 3 magic words yet (but neither have I). We haven't talked about future or marriage, but I have been communicating with him more than once that my goal in this relationship is to get married. It hurts me that he never gives me any response or reassurance after hearing how I felt. I didn't want to press him coz I feel that 8 months for him is considered too early to talk about marriage. (His last serious relationship lasted for 5 years). Well, but I'm 30 and he's 37. I don't want to sit around for 5 years to see where this relationship takes us, but I also don't want to lose him. I've tried to detach myself from this relationship, but only found myself more obsessed and upset. So now, I'm as confused as you are. I know this may sound like a cliche but have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? I don't totally agree with everything in the book, but it mentioned some interesting points. It stated that men are like rubber band. They have the tendency to pull away and reestablish their autonomy after being in an intimate relationship for a period of time. But after being left for a while, they usually feel the need for intimacy again and will come back. The book further suggested that the best thing for a woman to do in this situation is to give him the space needed and not pressure him. Well, I'm the type of person who needs closure to move on. But in your case, if you hope to get back with him someday, why not drop him a message - "Take as much time as you need. Give me a call when you have sorted things out on your own. I'd be glad to hear from you". Then find something you enjoy doing to occupy your time. After a while, you probably don't even want him back even if he does call. I know it isn't easy, and I've been struggling not to think about my BF all the time. Remind yourself that your priority is make yourself happy. You may want to be with him, but you don't need him to complete you. Hope this is useful to you. Another confused girl - HummingBird

"I don't just think about you on the weekends." -- That's a great way to approach it Scout! Why didn't I think of that one. Thank you Scout. My boyfriend likes strong, independent women and I've been trying hard to portray that image. I just have to keep reminding myself that asking for more attention and emotional support doesn't make me vulnerable or less independent. Just want to say another thing. This forum is indeed a great support system. I notice that everytime after I post a message, I immediately feel better. The process of sharing my thoughts also gives me a chance to organize my thoughts. Also the problem seems to magically become simpler and simpler through the process. Thank you all the wonderful folks who visit this site. Yes, I'm not alone.

Thank you so much butterflykiss04 for the advice. Yes, I will start communicate my needs with him. I've been too accomodating and repressing my needs. Now the repressed emotion is acting up and if I ignore it, I will never be happy in this relationship. A guy friend of mine used to tell me that women often need to tell men what they want from them, since men are not genetically wired to be empathetic. And when a woman making a request to a man, be specific with the request and avoid generic statement like "I don't feel you care". Otherwise it will just sound like whining. What's everyone's view on that?

I'm in a relationship that I don't feel fully content but don't know how to change it. On the surface we appear to have a healthy relationship - by maintaining a balanced level of autonomy and intimacy. Since we live in opposite ends of the city, we see each other every weekend and only communicate through emails during weekdays. Neither of us is fond of phone chatting, though I sometimes secretly wish that he will call and just ask how I'm doing. He's very close to his family and I've attended almost all his family functions. We spend half of our together time with his family, 10% with his friends, and 40% alone. Yes we never spend time with MY family and MY friends; but that's because I'm somewhat new to this city and don't have as many friends here. So, we've been in this pattern for 8 months and I was fine with it. But recently I noticed my need for intimacy has been growing. I felt ignored in his family functions. He seems to always put his family before me. I used to consider that as a desirable trait, but lately my tolerance level has reached to its limit. I also don't feel I'm getting enough emotional supports. For example, I've been attempting to find a new job without much success. But instead of getting the unconditional support that I should get from a bf, he gave me a father-like response whenever I complained about losing another job offer: "You just have to be more aggressive with job search", or "You're not the only one suffering from bad market. Look at XXX who hasn't have a real job for 5 yrs but still needs to feed a family"...etc. I know he cares about me but I just can't really feel it. He seldom asks me how my week's been and rarely tells me voluntarily, unless asked, what he did during the week. I tried telling him twice how I felt. His reaction was surprised, stunned, and mute. He sat there and listened and didn't say anything. Then we went back to the same pattern again and I continued feeling unfulfilled. I think he perceived me as more independent than I actually am. I don't know how to approach this without hurting our relationship. How do I communicate my needs with him without sounding demanding and needy? Is it reasonable to ask for more attention? Or is it just a reflector of my insecurity, which is something I should work on before requesting him to change? I really appreciate your advice and opinions.