Andrina

It's really crappy behavior to hide from your bf the fact that your friend is your ex-FWB. There are some things you shouldn't ethically keep from a partner, and this is one of them. You're not giving him the benefit of the truth so he can make a choice to date a woman who hangs out with an ex-FWB, or to dump her. People end friendships all the time for various reasons, and this usually is because of maturity. They outgrow each other. The other person is toxic. And a variety of other reasons, including the reason that the friendship went into FWB territory, and now it's no longer a friendship and hanging out would sabotage attempts at having a serious boyfriend. You're really selfish to hide important info from your bf. It benefits you, but not him. How you're behaving is showing what your priorities are, and it totally isn't your bf. If he could read what you've written, and also that you consider him a 3, do you really think he'd want to be with you? The poor guy has no idea what's going on in your head, but we do. Please free him to be with someone who doesn't hide things from him and doesn't inspire valid jealousy. You'll be doing him a favor which he won't realize until he gets some needed space and distance from this fiasco.

You're young and inexperienced in adult romance and so your belief in "love conquers all" is understandable, but know that it's not true. For your own good, throw that by the wayside and think more about must-needs in a relationship and dealbreakers. You both are in the wrong in numerous ways, so it's no wonder this pimple of a relationship has popped. You consider this Jeff to be your closest friend, and yet your bf hasn't met him? Highly unusual. And you say that in the past, things between you two became "heated." You like to downplay things like this so you don't have to admit any wrongdoing. I'm assuming 'heated' means that you made out. IMO, once you've crossed that line, it's time to disengage from what used to be a friendship. Because no man with decent self-esteem will continue dating a woman spending one-on-one time with a man she once made out with. As for him, the one fact in itself to break it off is that he tries to control what you wear, plus stares at you like a stalker while he's with you in public to catch you in the crime of looking in the direction of another man. I've witnessed couples like this and they've all ended in divorce. Save yourself this waste of time and heartache and end things now. You're not ready to be in a serious relationship. That's okay. Enjoy your freedom and with more experience and perhaps reading some books on how to be successful in a relationship, you will find success in romance.

As Smackie9 said extremely well, you will never find anyone decent until your treatment for your anxiety and depression is working well. Shove the need for a man to the side for a good long time. It'll probably take a good year or two to get into a good headspace with the proper treatment. Sometimes the first medication and first psychiatrist doesn't work well with your needs, so sometimes there is tweaking needed, and that takes time. You give excuses to your behavior, but you are not a puppet with someone else pulling the strings. You're in charge of your actions, so you can start a better path this second to move yourself to a better place in life. Your idea of NC is nonsense. You're still involving yourself in his life and seeking out what he's saying and doing. Drop off the computer for a while so you're not tempted. How about doing volunteer work to get your mind off of your problems by helping someone else. Your life needs a major shakeup for the better. You can do this.

There is a good reason you don't consider moving in with someone or getting married before a year in. The first year, you're learning all about a person, well beyond the honeymoon period. And here you are, only 4 months in, and already observing many things you don't like about her. Well, what are you going to do with that information? She's apparently a person who doesn't meet your needs, so free yourself to meet someone who does.

Hmm, I wonder what her boyfriend would've thought if he'd been a fly on the wall all those weeks she put her head on your chest and squeezed her legs between yours. She's finally doing the right thing now, though still could've handled it even better than she has. And yet in hindsight, you seem not to see the forest for the trees, unable to see that a person like that isn't an ideal partner when she crosses relationship boundaries like this. You seem as though you're disappointed and are paying no mind to her inappropriate behavior, showing she has no respect for her boyfriend and the sanctity of their relationship. Maybe she did the same thing to her husband, and it's the reason for her divorce? For your own good, I hope you learn to spot these red flags when looking for another dating prospect.

Depending on where you live, you could be entitled to half of his pension if he has one, and half of his retirement savings at the date of the divorce if he has any. Do not feel guilty about getting what you deserve. There is a reason those rules are in place. I'd divorce as soon as possible for the sake of your children and yourself, before he squanders all of your combined money on more vacation trips, and whatever else he spends, on his affair partners. Even if you don't believe you deserve every bit of money owed to you, think of how it could come in handy if God forbid your kids need it for medical expenses and any other family emergencies. Don't let him guilt you out of it. You were supposed to be a team with combined income, not separate entities where the higher earner is the only one who benefits when the marriage tanks. Begin removing him from your credit cards and bank accounts if he his a co-owner. And do not leave the family home again. I think you were given bad advice there. Read more up on that matter. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

What's been her longest relationship to date? Could be that she lives for the excitement of new prospects always popping up on the horizon and isn't really ready for a serious relationship. Usually, when two people are in the highs of a new relationship, as you two were only 90 days in, the hormones are running so wild that if you're really into each other, nobody else on the planet even pings on the radar. Yes, I'd be concerned with her ethics, as usually people's ethics stay pretty steady unless an epiphany occurs. Perhaps this is her epiphany and her maturity level needed a wake-up call. Time will reveal all.

When I was single, I always went for earthy types of people, and not the type of schmoozer this woman is. To me, these people have a LOT of practice being touchy feely with the opposite sex, so you're really not the one who stands out among a crowd. In my experience, people like this know you have a crush on them, and they like to invoke attention, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they're just not that into you enough to want to date you. Speaking as a woman, if I was really into a guy, if he asked me to get a bite to eat and I had a valid reason I couldn't, I would ALWAYS suggest an alternate activity or date. I would not let the opportunity slip by and would want to snap up the guy before he lost interest, etc. The Me Too movement is big right now. Even if she's the one being touchy feely, I wouldn't allow that behavior at work. Things could quickly go sideways with you being the one in trouble for something someone sees and reports, or she could get irritated with you and turn on you, since she does seem like a weirdo and could make trouble for you. If you're wanting to meet single women, try Meetup.com for singles in your age group. Good luck at your new job.

I don't get why you would ever be happy with someone who initially chose someone else over you after spending an entire 2 months with you. If it didn't work out with this other guy, the only reason I could guess she would reach out to you is to soothe her bruised ego. Save yourself the heartache and block her. She didn't even have enough respect for you to let you know, until you asked, that she was no longer interested in dating you until you nudged, a second time, for a response. She is not a kind person. True, you weren't exclusive, but after 2 whole months of dating, she knew you were into her, and she couldn't even be a decent human being and given you closure so you could emotionally move on ASAP. You're lacking in life experience if you actually would give someone like this a second chance. Hold out for a woman who will be crazy about you. She's never been.

Knowing myself, before my significant other even asked, I would've explained why I would be spending my birthday visiting an out of town friend, and why that timeframe was convenient to do so, and then told him alternative dates that he and I could celebrate my birthday. Her not revealing in place plans until you asked shows she's not serious about you. And an even more significant sign of this was saying she needed space instead of the normal communication couples engage in to resolve issues. Space never resolves anything. She wants out and saying she needs space instead of using the word "breakup" is what she thinks will delay the drama, or lessen it, if you argue the point. Hold out for the woman who doesn't need space from you--ever.

This is why the door sign exists: Welcome Friends, Relatives by Appointment Only. There are plenty of books for sale or at the library about establishing relationship boundaries. No matter who the person is, learn to cut short conversations that are not productive, disregards your own needs and wants, and are totally upsetting. Refuse to argue. Excuse yourself by leaving the person's home, asking them to leave if they are in your home, or say you're hanging up the phone. You can do this without anger in your voice. Just use whatever excuse is handy. Teach people how to treat you. If they treat you well, they will have the benefit of your company. If they don't treat you well, your quick departures from their company and conversations will send a message without you having to spell it out. Oddly enough, it's like any sort of training. Reward good behavior and remove attention when the behavior is the bad. It works for dogs, dolphins, and humans.

What should you do? Tell your "friend" you're getting a divorce, and won't have time for friendships as all of your free time will be devoted into the long, drawn-out process of getting your children used to their new existence. You will be doing him a favor, as if he knew the truth, he wouldn't want to spend a millisecond with you. And then block your ex-lover from every sort of communication you have with her. And then don't date anyone for now, because your children are your priority, and they don't need Dad distracted by romance when they're getting used to the new family dynamic. That's the right thing to do. Just because it might be all of the opposite things you wish to do, doesn't mean you should listen to your inner childish person. Kids need an adult to regulate their "wants" when the child wants to eat a whole bag of candy or to jump into the deep end of the pool even though they don't know how to swim. You are an adult and have to regulate yourself, which means growing up. We can't always have what we desire when it's wrong to indulge.

Yes, i do know of someone who'd been in your shoes, except he didn't have a partner. He felt so guilty, he committed suicide. His best friend didn't know why until he found his wife's journal where she spoke about the affair. He divorced her and married a faithful woman who he's been extremely happy with. Like someone else said, she's a cheater so she'd end up cheating on you as well if her husband divorced her, since she's not leaving him. There are no excuses for cheating, including a partner having a low sex drive. With distance from her and no further communication, you will eventually get over her. You should also fade away from her husband because you're no friend to him. Let him think you're a jerk for fading away, because that's what you are. This will free him to spend time with true friends instead of a betrayer. Do the same with your children's mother and free her, as she should be single to find someone who treats her the way she should be treated. Since you aren't a good friend or bf, get a blow up doll so no woman will have to be subjected to your poor ethics, and just marathon watch t.v. instead of making new guy friends since you don't place proper boundaries on yourself with their significant others. At least you can feel better about yourself for stopping abominable behavior instead of continuing on with it.

This is who she is: someone who's not ready to be in a mature, exclusive relationship. When you ask someone to be who they are not, they will only end up feeling bitter towards you. The secret to relationship happiness is to choose and remain with a person whom you don't have to ask to change in a major way. And basically, she has a right to be who she is because that's what apparently makes her happy right now. It's wrong of you to ask her to change. Basically, as others have said, you're incompatible. When someone makes you regularly upset, that's usually a sign of incompatibility. There are minor issues couples can work on, but your issue is not minor and should be a dealbreaker. P.S. This is not love. It's called infatuation after only being together 60 days. With no further contact, you should be able to stop thinking of her daily after 4 or 5 months and can be single to find someone who matches you. If possible, find a new job so you won't have the awkwardness of having to see one another every day. But if that's not possible, just be pleasant with a hello when you have to see her, just as you would any other co-worker. Take care.

People often can't even figure themselves out, so it's pointless to decipher why she did what she did. I know I've done many things in life I later shake my head at. It's not abnormal to feel so upset after a few months when you're really into someone. Just make sure you have a fulfilling life besides dating someone, with hobbies and friends, so that you don't make another the sole source of your happiness. My advice is what I always did with a break up. Delete photos and any communication. Because when you keep a person alive in your mind with these things, you can't have closure. In doing those things, I usually stopped thinking of them daily after 4 or 5 months. I had to date a lot before finding anyone worthy of me. Keep that mindset as well so that you will attract quality women. We're not robots and have feelings of a loss of confidence at times, but realistically, people not matching, or a lack of chemistry doesn't mean the other person is "less than." Just as if you found a woman attractive but lacked a spark for wanting to date her. It doesn't mean she did anything wrong. Please keep that in mind and go easy on yourself.

I don't even know why a 21 year old is on a dating site. That's the time of life you're usually already meeting a huge population of singles in your age group.

Hi Cumbrian Tom, You already have plenty of answers to your question, so I'll shoot off in another direction. You're wanting to date, and yeah, OLD can be really tough. If you paid the fee, seeing that only one woman on there interests you, it's a big gamble with your money. Because a huge population resorts to OLD, it also means the competition is bigger. I looked at activities that go on in Cumbria (beautiful area), and hiking and bicycling seems to be common there. I don't know if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area you could participate in. If not, you could even start one yourself! I think those groups are great, where there is less stress in meeting people, gradually getting to know them over time. And if nobody shows up on one occasion that you go, there's always next week or next month, as it's an ongoing activity. You could also do volunteer work and/or take lessons like in cooking or painting or dancing, etc. Think of it as getting yourself out there, spreading your net wide, to eventually find the catch. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't think you really cared as much as you thought you did, because you would have taken steps toward improving the situation. Her request was reasonable. When you didn't work to come to a consensus and failed to meet her needs, she should have ended the relationship instead of cheating. Hard lessons learned. The only thing you can do now is to practice a better work/home-life balance so a future relationship will have better success.

Your rose-colored glasses are giving you a huge optical illusion. You come up with faulty excuses to fit the narrative of how you want things to be, because your heart is overriding your brain. A caring person soothing a cheating ex? She could have blocked him. That'd be the caring thing to do for herself and the ethically appropriate thing to do if she's dating someone else. But then again you say you two weren't dating, though you were intimate and spoke of future plans. And if she really cared about you, she'd think, "Oh, I was stupid and was actually using him to boost my ego after I was cheated on. But now that I see how much he's into me, I will free him by going no contact so he's not in an emotionally upsetting limbo." Sorry to burst your bubble, but people aren't always as kind as you are. And even though you thought you knew her inside and out after all these years, you never really did until the times got rough. And even when you see how she has behaved, you're still seeing her as a poor, damaged waif who's tossed around by a hurricane, and will hopefully soon land on her feet and see that you're 'the one.' Once you've crossed the line of moving from friendship to intimacy, you can't go back to being friends again. This will prevent you from bonding with a new love, and will drive away any potential dating partners away when they find out who you're communicating with. Therefore my advice is to go no contact, and join some meet up.com groups for singles in your age group. Other ways to meet women are to volunteer at places like a zoo, a park, a museum, environmental cleanup groups. Take dancing lessons like in Tango or Swing or Salsa. Take care.

I advise against giving cheaters second chances. Their ethics stink. There is never a good reason to cheat. Mentally healthy people end a relationship before beginning a new one. How on earth can someone say they love you and do one of the most extremely hurtful things a person can do? You can't believe anything they say, and they're just fine doing horrible things behind your back.

It's ridiculous to think that a partner can't ALSO be a priority. An example: A couple makes sure they have couple's time by getting a babysitter for dates nights, because it makes for a strong foundation. If the adults are happy, it makes for a nice environment for the kids. It's called a healthy balance of life, with time divvied out to a career, caring for the kids, quality time with a significant other, time with friends and extended family, and solo time. I really couldn't be with a partner who blurted that I was into him more than he was into me. With the right partner, this would never be the case. There are so many things like this that's she's said that shows she's really okay with you walking away. Because many of the things she's said would be dealbreakers for anyone with a healthy self esteem and to someone who won't accept anything less than he deserves. Someone who truly loves you won't need space from you like you're toxic fumes. Someone who truly loves you will want your relationship to progress, not regress. You sound like a catch, but instead, you're acting like a doormat. Yes, it's hard to walk away, but isn't it harder to invest more time in someone who says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with wonderful you, who she fully knows after a year together? Hold out for someone who will never want to let you go, not even once. Never stay in hopes things will improve, as that's a waste of time and extremely low odds. Look at the present to make your decisions. We on the forum have the advantage of not loving your partner, so can see things more reasonably. You might want to listen to the advice given here, since you did ask, and we're more objective. Take care and keep us updated.

It's no wonder none of her past relationships have lasted beyond a year. Nobody who expects a partner to act in a decent way would put with her.

Sure, it's normal to be somewhat anxious at the beginning, being into someone and having no clue how it will all pan out--if you'll end up disappointed or if a beautiful relationship will develop. As others have said, keep up with the life you had before you met him. And try to concentrate more on whether or not he meets your needs, versus solely on you being anxious if he's into or not. Having a wait-and-see attitude, instead of being all primed to dream of the day when you asks you to be exclusive, when it's not even clear he'd make an ideal boyfriend. Usually, at the heady beginnings, people are showing their best selves, so even if things are great at the beginning, it's no indication of what lies ahead. You have to get past that, if it even gets that far, to see how a person behaves moving beyond the honeymoon stage. I know you've had a dry spell, but really think about if you want to date someone who is "absurdly busy." I did that for a year, with the person I was with before meeting my husband. This guy worked 12 hour days Mon. to Fri. and 7 hours on Saturday. We rarely enjoyed time together. He'd fall asleep by 8:30 and slept until 2 on Sundays, always waking up with a headache on that day. I had a recent empty nest, and wanted someone to enjoy life with, which I later found when dating my husband. You sound like a woman who likes a very involved companion. I have a feeling you won't be satisfied with the lack of time this guy can give you. Have you ever made a must-have list and a dealbreaker list? I suggest doing this so you can zero in on what you really want, so you don't settle. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Mentally healthy people end one relationship before beginning a new one. Keeping up appearances? Give me a break. Neighbors and her family see her dressed to the nines, leaving the house, four nights a week without her husband. A real mother of the year, leaving someone else to help the kids with homework, help them with their baths, reading a bedtime story the majority of the week. Yes, she's doing them a real favor by leading a double life. Do you have a conscience and good ethics? If not, perhaps decide it's time to improve in those areas so that you will have a higher success in the romance department. It'd be wise in these cases to think of the worst case scenario, to inspire yourself to take a different path. When I was visiting New York several years ago, I saw detectives in an alley with a body covered by whatever they use to hide a dead body from public view. I later heard on the news the man was a part of a love triangle. The recent male ex tracked his former lady down with her new love while they shopped. The ex showed his gun and the man ran out of the store and down an alley, where he was shot and killed. This stuff does happen. So you're 24 and have never been in a long relationship? So what? You've had dating experiences where you learned what you liked and what you didn't like, I'm assuming. It's called life experience. If you find that you're not mentally healthy enough to be in a healthy dating experience, perhaps therapy could help you achieve that.

When will you graduate? He doesn't sound like the shy type, since he kissed your hand and asked you to stay longer at the bar. So in my mind, he likes you, but not enough to ask you out. With that comment about where you would take him in your country if he visited, is it because you are expected to move back there after graduation? That could be a reason he isn't asking you out. That said, once you're at the point where you're graduating, you could always ask him something like, "I've enjoyed getting to know you, and would like to treat you to a celebratory dinner." Whatever happens will give you the answers you need. You have to be vulnerable and risk opening your heart to people, even if it doesn't pan out the way you hoped. The alternative is never taking risks and therefore never going for what you want. If it's a no from him, you can then emotionally move on. If it's a yes, then you will have steered your life in the direction you want it to go. Take care.