ATYD

4 months has passed and I think about the way things broke down almost everyday. Even this morning I broke down in tears while praying. I've really never felt this devastated over a breakup or anything in my life. My body aches more and more and I feel generally unwell. I never thought you would betray me in this way, never in the years Ive known you. That may be the most traumatic experience I've ever had in my life. Instead of hating you like everyone around me does and like I probably should I feel really discouraged and disappointed cause I know we both wanted it to work out. But things got tremendously hard and you gave up and abandoned me at my lowest. I've never really felt this way before towards anything, so I think these emotions are making me depressed. To the point that I am clinging to God for dear life. I loved you so much, more than I love myself, and to be stabbed in the back in this way. for things to go so sour so quickly. I don't know what to make of it. The romance is one side but you were like my brother. Ive never been so close to anyone before. I know things can never be the same but I pray God dries both our tears and places joy back in our hearts and I hope with time our friendship at least can be healed in the way he sees fit.

I met my ex boyfriend at a party when I was 19 ( now 25) .. we didn't exchange any words but I had a strong pull towards him. I was quite shy back then and so was he, despite being 4 years older. I remember he followed me on socials the next day which was weird cause I didn't speak to him but I was secretly happy cause I developed an instant crush upon meeting him. A year passed and we would sometimes message and comment on each others posts in a very platonic way but it just felt safe. When we met again at another party, there was almost a mutual understanding that we liked each other and he invited me to him family house for New years. A week later after seeing each other we made it official and I found myself in a long distance relationship cause I studied abroad. We dated for 3 years and I look back and we had a very beautiful relationship. We were polar opposites so many people felt confused by us, but it sort of worked. On the surface I was as a put together conservative girl and he comes across as a bit more reckless and liberal; but then we complimented each other in the things we lacked and were both geeks and and understood each other. To the point that people would almost comment on how what we have is special and make jokes about when we would get married. People even always thought we were siblings cause I guess of the nature of our dynamic and us looking like one another. We had alot in common and there was never a dull moment despite what we were doing. While dating the thought of separating never crossed any of our minds but then the pandemic hit. We had already started having some issues before that but then not seeing each other for almost a year and both individually dealing with life transitions and mild depression really took its toll. I suggested we take a break and it all escalated and he ended the relationship. Despite things taking a downward turn I felt it was something couples went through and because the love was still there then we could just take a break and work through things when emotions weren't so high. It was all quite sudden when he left and It sprung on many feelings of abandonment as I had never been so close to anyone in my life. Things following became messy and we decided to call it quits. I didn't really want that but I had no choice. I remember feeling very depressed afterwards but I came out of it. I started dating and focusing on my life. 9 months later he came back into my life and we started talking again. The first conversation we had lasted 7 hours and both of us were quite shocked. I guess all the people I had dated in between lacked the emotional intimacy I needed and quite quickly we talked more and our love was rekindled. However after breaking up once it was complicated on my end. My family and friends were not as supportive as they saw how depressed the breakup left me. Getting to know each other in this season was very different. It was more serious. We shared dreams about our life together and all that stuff. He wanted to be with me again and I knew I wanted to be with him, but I was scared of what people might think, the marriage and cultural pressures it may spring on and most especially getting abandoned again. So we remained in this talking phase instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend for about 10 months. We were both very clear on how we felt but there was a period he came to visit me and I started feeling very anxious about the relationship, he was being very flaky with plans and dates, I felt like I wasn't being made a priority and wasn't cared for in the way I needed, we were fighting a lot and amongst that I slept with someone else. The next day I told him immediately and I felt so guilty. I look back and recognise he was really trying his best and I took him for granted but I felt really insecure in the relationship. He reassured me it was okay cause we weren't officially together and had had a conversation about it. Throughout the time we spent together cause so much had happened, like the fighting, my betyral and now him being with me kept me in my head alot, I felt a bit emotionally drained as I had just finished my thesis around that time. He picked up on it and felt I had the other person on my mind. It really wasn't the case and I tried to reassure him as much as I could and we ended up having a wholesome and intimate week together. He left and the rest of the summer went on and we drifted apart and I decided to end it for other reasons, as I felt I would never be made a priority and we didn't know how to manage conflict. The breakup was quite messy but we decided to stop fighting and apologised and ended on a an okay note. I moved on with my life and so did he. We would check in with one another sometimes as we still cared but just very casually. I was dating casually and I assumed so was he. I had accepted at that point we weren't together and I didn't really look back. 3 months later he reached out saying his mum wanted him to ask me about some work so we spoke on the phone. We spoke and I didn't think too much of it, I went on a date later that week and my date asked me about getting more serious and then I realised I was still in love with my ex. I almost sobbed on the date. I had been lying to myself, and I called things off with that guy. I spoke to my ex the next day and told him everything regarding the betrayal, the initial breakup, my feelings. I had no expectations, I figured he would probably hate me even, but I wanted to confess. But instead we both cried on the phone..it was a very sad and emotional conversation. He didnt really know how he felt but expressed that the last time he was truly happy was when he visited me. I was travelling in that week and he expressed how he felt he may never see me again. But asked to get a drink when I got back to our home town. I told myself I will just follow my emotions and gut when next I saw him and take things from there. When we next saw we slipped into only patterns and I fully let my guard down for the first time in a while. I stood up to my friends, my family and they were all reassured by me and supported us.. We hadn't put a label on it yet but I trusted the feelings were mutual and it would happen at the right time. We spoke about our future, alluded to marriage, he visited my parents, spoke about long term plans and commitment, he even spoke about getting air miles and travel plans. I was happy. He was happy. I decided to trust in our relationship and love. And for once I felt the dynamic was less push and pull but more give and take. Despite being apart things felt like they were aligning and that we were both able to help each other with our career journeys and goals. While at home I felt there was something wrong. I missed my period. I was nervous I had gotten pregnant. He reassured me in the way I needed. When I went abroad and finally took a test I was. I feel into depression. Around that time he was also depressed. He used to get down during his birthday as he's suffered loss of people very close to him. Its something I have always been aware of but this time I wasn't able to support him. And neither was he able to support me how I needed. I was very scared as neither of us told anyone due to cultural and religious expectations and I had to go through it mostly on my own. I asked him to come abroad but he wasn't in the finical position to do so but didn't express that, I was calling him frantically in the night as I was experiencing horrible dreams and sleepless nights; and he was expressing I was hurting him. It felt like there was hidden resentment on his side and I was also nervous that whenever there was conflict we tend to fall apart. While he was nervous that when I left for abroad the relationship will break down. It was very traumatic and we were fighting a lot. Things exploded more than I have ever experienced and the relationship dissolved in an instant. He said he would be there for me but not with me and I did not want to accept it, especially with no explanation. He gave up on us. Right before it even started. He got so angry and started bringing up all the downs in the relationship, the feeling of my family not liking him and my past betrayal. He behaved like the month we had spent together didn't happen and belittled the experience. I didn't realise nor had he expressed how much the betrayal affected him. Two weeks later he now has a new girlfriend where he was posting it all over the internet. It was a big shock for me, and everyone. it was a lot of drama as people always believed we were together and loved each other, even through separation. I expressed to him he was hurting me with his behaviour and he didn't seem to care at all. I feel like the person I loved changed in an instant. This time it feels so final. I have cried so so many tears. I feel like I have lost my brother. Despite feeling mistreated, betrayed, abandoned, disrespected. I thought we loved each other. It felt like both of us self sabotaged the relationship. It feels like the entire love was burnt to the ground. He said some very hurtful things and it came from no where.. I had never seen him so enraged. Towards me especially. His mum and sister reached out to me as my parents and family had to get involved as the situation opened a lot to wounds I was avoiding. The odds that were already against us even feel deeper. The relationship ended in conflict and I have never experienced this before. And to experience it with someone you love be is very devasting. The relationship brought a lot of peace, fulfilment and contentment in my life than I have ever experienced. That relationship felt like home from the very beginning till now. So to lose it in this way has been very unsettling. I know on his end the long distance dynamic and him not being finically stable would have been factors in him ending things. But on the other hand the on and off again is causing me so much pain. I know I wasn't making it easy but be left while I was in a very vulnerable moment has caused be so much pain. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. Upon getting pregnant I had fantasied about how amazing of a child we could have, with the life we both pictured together and to lose both things so quickly. It hurts. Everyone around me and the obvious answer is to cut my losses and close this chapter forever. But it really hurts to see how a once simple love could have turned into this. The recent event doesn't erase all the memories weve shared over the past 5 years; but I have been a state of anxiety and pain for a few months now as I feel I am grieving two losses, and I am struggling a little. A part of me wishes we could almost have a do over and do things right but I don't know if that's realistic. I know I cant wait but I really do miss him and find myself looking for him in other places. I have recently become Christian and its brought on a sense of comfort, and also a guide in dealing with my pre existing anxiety and how I can better relate to other people and acknowledge people make mistakes and aren't perfect. I cant really express how I am really feeling to my loved ones as there is an expectation for me to move on. But I really did love my ex with all that I knew and had. A part of me is scared that he may never come back and has truly given up on us. Whereas a part of me is scared of him coming back as this drama has put me in an impossible situation. I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking and I should focus on the present. But my mind cant help it. I just keep praying to God that this love doesn't turn into a scar I will have to carry for the rest of my life.

I was tooo shy, but added an update, lol

So ever since starting my masters in architecture, I have this course mate in my class who I have found quite sweet and attractive. I haven't dated in a while, as I came out of a long term relationship about a year ago, so I'm not sure if there's a certain energy between us, or it can just be normal friendly behaviour. Also as I only have ever dated African men, I am not sure how to read British men in all honesty, and what will be the right approach, so I don't come on too strong, as I still have to see him all the time till we graduate. We tend to have after class drinks as a group on Fridays, and there was one occasion where we chatted one on one for a while and he stressed I shouldn't go, as he just wants to order another drink at the bar and was really enjoying our conversation. Because of the intensity of the course I don't get to see him so much, but every time I see him we acknowledge each other quite cheerfully, and just talk if time allows it. The other night we all went out to celebrate after a deadline, and went on a bit of a bar crawl. At some point in the evening, the both of us were walking a bit behind the rest of the group and where just chatting the way we would normally. And these group of drunk ladies approached us asking if we were a couple; we both said no we are just out with a group, and they kept saying how they sensed a vibe and tried to get a different response. We both got quite embarrassed by it and didn't say so much, then the ladies then apologised and left. Right after neither of us really acknowledged it and it was a bit awkward. Meanwhile, the rest of our class decided to go home, so we decided to get cabs home. He then held my hand and kissed it goodnight. I messaged him when I got home to check he was home, and he seemed quite chatty despite it being 4 in the morning, until we both fell asleep. I decided to follow him on insta the next day- that was back towards the end of February. Ever since deadlines have been quite intense, so we hung out during one of our course night outs and we had a nice one on one talks, about family, culture, starwars(lol) and about my home country; and asked where I'd take him if he visited. Later that night he offered to buy me a drink and commented on how smart I was. At the end of the night we texted for about a day and didn't see each other much after. Fast-forward to End of April and he sort of slid into my DMs commenting on my fashion style , where we were back and forth texting for a couple days straight. At the moment texting had slowed down cause of more deadlines, but I finally saw him in a year group meeting, and again, we talked one on one as we always do, where he even asked me to go to a separate place to have a look at his models and commented on how he loves to see my work. I guess writing this makes me think he may like me back, as although sparse we always enjoy each others company and he may also not fully know how to approach it either ( as I don't think he's dated non- British women / African women before ). But again, as a lot of our texts just sort of end abruptly, and we've never suggested going out outside uni, and nothing has been really said I don't want to look stupid, as it seems he sort of admires my work and is also quite friendly towards me. Please help, cause Im honestly so shy and I dont really know if/how to go about this

So ever since starting my masters in architecture, I have this course mate in my class who I have found quite sweet and attractive. I haven't dated in a while, as I came out of a long term relationship about a year ago, so I'm not sure if there's a certain energy between us, or it can just be normal friendly behaviour. Additionally, he's a British Caucasian man and me being an African black women is getting me worried about being rejected. We tend to have after class drinks as a group on Fridays, and there was one occasion where we chatted one on one for a while and he stressed I shouldn't go, as he just wants to order another drink at the bar and was really enjoying our conversation. Because of the intensity of the course I don't get to see him so much, but every time I see him we acknowledge each other quite cheerfully, and just talk if time allows it. The other night we all went out to celebrate after a deadline, and went on a bit of a bar crawl. At some point in the evening, the both of us were walking a bit behind the rest of the group and where just chatting the way we would normally. And these group of drunk ladies approached us asking if we were a couple; we both said no we are just out with a group, and they kept saying how they sensed a vibe and tried to get a different response. We both got quite embarrassed by it and didn't say so much, then the ladies then apologised and left. Right after neither of us really acknowledged it and it was a bit awkward. Meanwhile, the rest of our class decided to go home, so we decided to get cabs home. He then held my hand and kissed it goodnight. I messaged him when I got home to check he was home, and he seemed quite chatty despite it being 4 in the morning, until we both fell asleep. I decided to follow him on insta the next day and that's where I am at now. I kind of want to ask him on a date cause I would really like to get to know him, but Im not sure if its all in my head and he's just being friendly. Also as I only have ever dated African men, I am not sure how to read British men in all honesty, and what will be the right approach, so I dont come on too strong.