ydubel

This sounds complicated, but since you asked for advice I will do my best. First, educate yourself about rape victims so that you can be helpful to her....it may also help you make sense of her behavior which is not at all uncommon from what you're sharing. I know you mentioned your exams and needing to study, but if you love her and want to help here's a site that can help link removed There's not much you can really do until she's ready, except to be available, but if that conflicts wth your priorities then that's the reality everyone has to live with. In the same way that when she left it was what she felt she had to and you're having to learn to deal with it. The other issue seems to be that you need to clearly decide what your priorities are...something has to be second and last. It can't all be a number one top priority. Once you've decided follow through with it and be willing to accept the consequences, both good and bad. Whatever you do be kind to yourself and to her...and treat yourselves to a healthy dose of love and compassion. I wish you only the best, Y. Dubel

Interesting course of action and I hope it works out for the best. That being said you need to look at what was really going on. There's a great book called "What Children Learn From Their Parent's Marriage" It may help you understand the reactionary patterns that previously controlled your relationship. If you can start there you'll want to move into understanding your own needs independently and discussing how that can be addressed in the relationship. That will help break the pattern of making the other person responsible for the others happiness. From what I've seen that never works. It is the nature of people to disappoint because we are all imperfect. We mess up and make mistakes and sometimes mistakes hurt people. Take ownership of your emotions and well being now and you'll avoid falling into the the same trap again and again. I could go on, but I think that if you start there you'll be off to an excellent start. Besides, if you're really serious about this you'll do the research and find what you need. Be well, Y. Dubel

I considered not replying to this one, but I'm doing it... so what's the point in telling you that? I guess there isn't one except to show my hesitation. In case that isn't clear it was my somewhat veiled reference to your bf 's clear demonstration of hesitation which you have convienently dismissed until "Mr. Right" Now walked in. Forgive me if there's an undertone there, but c'mon. Either you're pretending not to know what you know or you want to justify what you're doing now. Which is it? First, you need to separate the issues. Whether or not your relationship with the bf was in good condition is an issue to be addressed, but regardless of its state you do have a relationship with him. If he had done what you've done, even just to this point, would you be hurt? Would you feel betrayed? Maybe even belittled? Where does that love you say you have for him go when your heart is pounding for the new guy. I'm not saying this to judge you...I'm just trying to stick with the facts as I understand them. And in my book...love means nothing if not "I care what hurts you". So you need to ask yourself what you meant when you said "I love you" So, whatever you do... be honest with everyone, including yourself. Don't BS yourself into treating some as if they don't matter...And don't do it just because you're lusting for someone new. (I beg you please read my post "The Right To Choose To Think") If you do decide to start seeing the new guy don't jump into a physical relationship because then you certainly won't be seeing things clearly. Give some time and see if all this chemistry is anything more than lust. The other issue I see is this....Why did you stay in a relationship for three years that was clearly not what you wanted? Did you ever discuss what each of you meant by "I love you"? Then there's the ambiguity of what's going on with the new guy. Is he looking for a future with you or just a good time for now? Are you projecting some future plan for or with him that you've forgotten to fill him in on? I'd hate to see you make the same mistake again so here's my bottom line advice. Work on your relationship with yourself. Figure out what you're really about...what is it you're looking for? No relationship with anyone else will live up to its potential until you've worked out the one you have with yourself. I wish you only the best, Y. Dubel

It sounds like you are on the right track and I'm delighted to hear it! Please drop a line when you get back. I think it would be good for you and any readers to take this small step towards not making the sad things that happen more important than the good things. Celebrate any clarity that results from your inquiry. You'll get the answers you seek. Be well and ENJOY yourself! Y. Dubel

Well, since you're doing all you can to bring in more money the other part of the equation you didn't really address (from what you've posted) is replenishing your spirit. If you're working three jobs you probably don't feel there's any room for you in your life. Can you find the space/time to do something that does make you feel good but doesn't place demands on your resources? Maybe just taking a walk or sitting in a scenic area to relax. Your feelings of depression will only get worse if you ignore it....your innerself is trying to tell you something. Perhaps you need to show yourself some love and affection by doing something to cheer yourself up. I think this is really important based on what you've shared b/c my guess is that you're feeling that nothing you do is enough. Hang in there and keep in touch. There's always solution, just don't stop searching until you find it. Wishing you only the best, Y. Dubel

While I do understand the point you make and it is your life so you can do whatever you want. But for me I'd feel I was finding hope in a lie and that would not sit well with me at all. That'd make me feel worse about myself. I don't subscribe to the philosophy that feelings are in control. I believe we can control our feelings (at least to a point). By that I mean we can indulge them just based on how we "feel" or we can get control over them and examine them logically. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I don't want you to feel pressured by what I've posted...it's your life to live as you please because you're the only one that actually has to live with it. I wish you only the best as you heal. Be well, Y. Dubel

The pain you are in totally came accross in your post. First, you need to start looking at your needs because that is what led you to her in the first place. Are you aware of what need(s) she met for you or that you imagined she would? I feel like a broken record b/c I keep telling everyone this....but its one of those simple things that no one seems to want to face, yet they must if they ever intend to be happy and whole within themselves. We can't *really* love anyone else when we don't *really* love ourselves. You have to know your needs so you can begin meeting them yourself. We teach people how to treat us so you must not give anyone your (silent) permission to treat you badly....as if your pain doesn't matter. I know we all want someone to love us and share our lives with, but neediness and desperation are relationship repellent...at least for the kind of relationships and intimacy we seem to crave. How to get on now? Focus on something that keeps your attention on creating a life you find satisfying and are proud of. Have you paid as much attention to your talents and gifts as you have to hers? This is critical if you want to avoid attracting another similar situation. Start looking at how you can build on the good in your life. For instance how can you use your talents to enhance the future you create for yourself and your son? Get involved in projects that serve your long term interest and make you feel good as a person and a parent. Learn from this experience so you don't have to keep repeating it. If you look around the forum you'll see alot of folks simply repeating the same cycles again and again and wondering why they keep getting hurt. "When someone shows you who they are believe them the FIRST TIME" ---Maya Angelou Just keep loving yourself and your son....stay positive and see your previous relationship as a learning experience. Don't worry about the next relationship, just get on with living your life. I hope that helps...even if it wasn't the popular answer to give you. Be well, Y. Dubel

Now that you explain I can see why you feel compelled to escape....but that would be counterproductive. I would suggest you begin examining strategies to get out of the financial situation b/c that will probably do the most good for your mental/emotional state. Have you considered any means of producing extra income that would also tie in with any interests or talents you have. Perhaps a homebased business with minimal startup costs. The more work you can do yourself to get it off the ground the more your costs would be reduced. I totally understand the toll that financial problems can take on your emotional well being. The only solution that seems to matter is getting more income. It sounds like nothing else is really going to make you feel any better. This is just an idea that I think you should look into more if it interest you....consider this....if you start a business and decide to say incorporate that can give you a new start financially. You can establish a whole new credit history and begin rebuilding. If you'd like some ideas on where to start with a homebased business feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to pass along some resources. There's tons of free ones you can use to get you started and then upgrade when volumn (and your budget) allow it. Be well, Y. Dubel

It seems no one ever wants to hear this, but neediness reaks of desperation and it is relationship repellent. What it does attract is rarely what anyone wants. The foundation of a good relationship is two whole people. The worst thing you can do, in my opinion....and based on the numerous people I've worked with who were in the exact kind of situation you describe, is to pine over loss love and hope it will return. I have yet to see it work for anyone...I won't say its impossible...but you need to think about the damage done and the kind of relationship you would have even IF she came back. You can never go back to where it was or who she used to be. Focusing on the other person is the worst thing to do in these kind of situations....Read the other post at this site if you don't believe me. It only takes you in deeper. Best of luck to you whatever you do. Y. Dubel

As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this....you need to make a clean break and walk away. Understanding her, now that she's out of the picture, is pointless. Learn to understand yourself so that you'd fall into a similar situation next time. In my experience there are always clues about who people are very early on...displays of selfishness or uncaring behavior, etc... It's just that people seem to tend to dismiss them. Don't try to understand why she ended, try to understand why you love her so much. What is that you think she brings to your life that you can't provide for yourself? I mean, it doesn't sound like she valued the relationship with you very much. And what does "I love you" *really* mean when someone doesn't care about what hurts you. I'd venture to say that whatever that is, I wouldn't call it love. Unless you come to a deeper understanding of what love is (by loving yourself) I'm not sure you'll be equipped to make better selections in the future. Give yourself time to feel sad, but don't loose yourself in it. You can still move ahead (and I don't mean into another relationship) even though you feel sad. Let this experience bring you closer to yourself. The same love and devotion you were willing to offer her needs to be extended to you during this difficult time. Take care of yourself and grow from this heartache. You're stronger than you think and you can handle this....And believe me you will be happy again. Only next time, your happiness won't be dependent on anyone else. Be well, Y. Dubel

I applaud you for reaching out before you entered self-destruct mode. That is a very good indicator! Well, first I think you need to examine what's really going on. Why are you down? I suspect there's a need not being met and you don't know how to address it other than to escape. That is certainly a set of options, but as you mentioned not the best ones. But you wanted advice about what to do instead. As I said start to examine what's really going on. To begin look at your unmet needs...what do you need that you feel is missing right now? Second, what makes you feel good....energized or excited about life and being you? That's what you need to do instead just to get out of the rut. If you feel at loss on that last one I'd suggest you start by looking at what you like about being you. What are the attributes you prize the most in yourself? What do you see as your weaknesses? After you've done that you're getting close to having your recovery blueprint. The next step is a plan to improve yourself...build yourself up so that you KNOW that you are stronger than any problem or nagging depression. Our experiences come from our perceptions so that is where we must begin looking for solutions. I hope this is helpful to you. Stay in touch and take care of yourself....You deserve it. Be well, Y. Dubel

I totally got the pain in your post. It's unfortunate you don't have a support network, but the up side is that it's an opportunity to develop a stronger more loving relationship with yourself. Right now, it sounds like this is so fresh that you just need to give yourself permission to be sad...but that doesn't mean it has to dominate your life. Self inflicted pain is often a way of feeling like we have some control when things seem to be spiraling out of control. Give yourself the same love and patience you would extend to someone else you cared deeply about. We teach people how to treat us so it is imperative that we all learn to treat ourselves lovingly. You may want to visit the self-injury section of this forum to read other posts on this subject and get links to outside resources for help. Believe it or not, time does heal this kind of pain. I know it can be hard when adults don't take young love seriously, but I do recall that if felt very real. As you can tell from this forum and the other posts, heart break is a part of living. Each time we pick ourselves up we're a little stronger than we were before. Try not to spend too much time focusing on how hurt you feel, it can become self perpetuating misery...but for now, I hope it will help you to express your pain and begin the walk through it. I promise you, if you hang in there and don't give up on yourself, you will come out the otherside of this. You are stronger than you think and you are not alone. Be well, Y. Dubel

It's been said a million times, so let's make this a million and one ;-) Time heals all wounds. The only real cure is time, but making that happen does require a bit of work. The work of loving and supporting yourself. Part of that is reaching out when you need a support system. Don't allow yourself to sit and focus on the memories. I know it's hard to stop the "why" questions, but it gets easier with time. In the meantime, move ahead with building a life you are happy with and that doesn't leave you depending on someone else's affection to make you feel worth while. I know it's easier said than done, but it is possible and worth the effort. You may want to start finding ways to express your talents and qualities that make you feel good about yourself. Although I'm sure alot of people will encourage you to get back out there and into another relationship I'd advise you to examine your needs that led you to the previous one. Discover you needs and learn to meet them yourself. Most importantly, focus on a life that supports you in feeling valued, valuable, and loved. Be well, Y. Dubel

I really feel for what you are going through. I know it can be hard to sort it all out and adults don't always see/understand the complications of a young person's life....Largely I think they just forget what it was like for them. I think you are feeling out of control because you feel you have so little control of what is going on around you. In a "strange" way self inflicted pain can be a way of gaining control. This is why you feel better when you do it. It sounds like you are really struggling, and as trite as it may sound, it's true....you have to hold on to what is good in your life and take strength from it. For example, have you ever noticed how when something wonderful happens we sometimes only revel in the good feelings briefly, but when something bad happens we sit and stew in it endlessly? This is how we establish the pattern of making the bad stuff more important than the good. The next time you feel overwhelmed and get the impulse to cut. STOP and BREATHE. I know this may sound silly but just try it a few times. You don't want to take shallow chest breaths you want breath deep relaxed breaths from you gut (stomach/diaphram). Then clear your mind for as long as you can manage and then remind yourself, outloud if you have to.....That you are stronger than any problem that may come up. Although you may be provoked by outside circumstances you can't control anyone but you. What you have control over is how you react and cope....and what you think. There is a system of thought that suggests these kind of problems result from repetive irrational thoughts. What thoughts are you constently repeating to yourself throught out the day? Believe it or not this has HUGE impact on our moods and behaviors. Start to pay attention to the negative thoughts you are repeating inside your head. Then you can begin the process of replacing them with thoughts that support you. You are not alone and you are not a freak or anything like that. You have to love yourself enough to begin the first steps of expressing deep care for yourself, not just to spare your parents, but because you deserve better. You are worthy of patience and devotion. Think of how you deal with someone else if they were in your position. That is the same care you need to begin giving to yourself. If you prefer to be alone, that's fine as long as you aren't using that as an opportunity to go deeper into the sadness you're feeling. I hope something I've shared is helpful to you. Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to when things get rough. In closing, I want to let you know that without a doubt that you are not alone and that you are much much stronger than you think. You've hit a rough patch, but if you are willing, it doesn't have to last much longer. I wish you only the best, Y. Dubel

Congratulations, John, for taking the first steps to taking care of yourself. As for the pattern....where did you think the relationship was heading? (This matters for reasons of gaining clarity for yourself) I think the NC is the best solution, but I also think you need to put your time and attention elsewhere. Not only did she leave, but she's made it clear that she has little (or no) regard for your feelings or your relationship. Stop monitoring what she's doing and don't look back. You could spend years wondering why it happened, but it'd be a waste of time b/c it changes nothing. The key is to figure out why you stayed involved with someone that had so little regard for you. If you don't figure that part out you stand a better than average chance of repeating a similar pattern in your next relationship. Start focusing on being clear about what your needs *really* are and find ways to meet them yourself. Not only will you continue to feel stronge with each day, but you will feel loved as well. Your own wholeness and security are the best assurances of having the relationship you deserve in the future. All relationships give us the opportunity to look at ourselves in a new way....and grow. Hang in there, you're stronger than you ever imagined. Be well, Y. Dubel