kissonthelips

I actualy think that "I don' know why " is an honest answer. you are totally taking for granted her age. She's not experienced the way you are and seems not focused on "over psychologizing" things. In a way, it's neat, pure and straight. She stopped loving, so she's leaving. I think as long as you focus on what "you gave up", you won't get out of it. Love is unfair, unjust, there are no rules, it's not an accounting class. You went with ehr because you wanted to; you gave up your ,arriage because you wantd to be with her. Don't regret it.

Hey, Since you said "I must get on with my life", I can't imagine a 23 year old girl coming back.... I know you're in pain, but there is no reason why a man can't say "I love you" when he does love. She's young and needs to move forward. Also, your slight inuendos about how "you gave up everything for her" could only make her feel angry. Just relax and be fun to be around and work on yourself. it'll get better.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't enjoy having sex with you? Sounds like a lifetime of pain to me. Also, don't expect her to change jobs for you, to ease your insecurities. She's been stright forward about enjoying the attention and all, so... It unfortunately sounds like you have to let go. Maybe she'll come back. Just let her think about it. There's no point in starting up with someone again if it's half-assed, really.... good luck

My aunt married a man she adored, and who adored her, and he was impotent for a whole year. They finally agreed to divorce and remained very very good friends, but sex is a very important form of expression, and expression of love and commitment to one another, not to mention a good time, so be brave and move on; your man seems totally uninterested in fixing this (which connotes a form of psychological sadism, by deliberatley depriving you of something you value and need and desrve. Go.

I feel for you, I've been there. Do give up and give up fast. You're almost 40 and if you want kids and a long happy (sexually satisfying) life, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. If he doesn't show any interest in getting better, if he's fine living like that, you need to go and go fast, I mean it. You can only support someone and stick around and take the chance of never having kids (or making love) when you're with a man who's desperate to find a solution too. really really really. leave.

I say, lead by example. Chill out, back off, and do the same. Do exactly what she's doing and see what happens. That'll probably tell you a lot.

So, June 2nd, boyfriend of almost 2 years breaks up with me. (I had to push him to explain attitude, and he finally told me stuff, over the phone (I am in Europe, he's in the states). He's been calling quite a bit and emailing regularly. One day, I asked whether he still felt the same way (being brokenup) and he said yes... and yet continues to keep contact with me; last night he asked when I was coming back, to the states. I am scheduled to return July 20 (I had initially told him early july, when we were together). he's going off to law school august 15 and I'm returning to France... Anyway... I want to test what this is all about. I know he cares for me and wants "input" and contact with me and all... but he doesn't speak to me like I'm a woman, but more like I'm a buddy... "hanging out", "dude", etc.. He had broken up with me once before, last year, and I noticed, when we got back together two months later, that this new tone had installed itself among us... We would spend a lot of time together, have fun, be intimate, but it was more like siblings, in a weird way... I've asked, discreetly, and he says I'm hi best friend, and that, to him, that';s the basis of a relationship... I think staying in contact is also a way of not feeling any loss... he's very uncomfortable with anything "unpleasant", so if I talk about stuff that actually matters, god forbid, his tendency is to retreat.... what now?

I feel for you. One is tempted to answer. DOn't be angry, don't think of it as a victim/perpetrator thing... Just kindly refuse saying you'd love to help her but don't have any time. That way, if it's a just a trick and she sincerely wants to see you, she'll make the extra effort. But don't be harsh, don't call her manipulative, be the bette person.

I think you should send an email syaing: "sure, no problem at all. I wish you the best. I'm kind of surprized though because the guy I have been dating knows that he can feel totally secure about you and me hanging since there's no threat whatsoever. I'll miss the good times but take care (and don't let yourself get chewed up by those possessive types!) Socki it to him and leave with your chin up, man!!!

Howdy, Funny.... As I was reading your thread, I was thinking to myself: "don't be mad at yourself for having had faith" and then you said it yourself.... I've been on both sides of the fence: waiting for a man to leave the woman he was with, and being with 2 people, one of whom was waiting for me to leave the other. But ultimately, I broke it off with the one who never pressured me to leave my boyfriend, because i realzied that's what he wanted: part of me, not the old adage "all of me", and I couldn't take it. I wanted to be with him entirely but realized within a month or two that he would always separate a side of himself from me, hence the convenience of being with someone who already was with someone... he'd done it for 8 years before... Ultimately, within weeks, I left both.... He called last night and left a message, but I was at the movies, seeing a terrible flick about a woman who sleeps with her son and kills herself as she gives him a "jobhand"... yeah, could have saved six euros on that one... I didn't call back (which never ever happens, I am so reliable that way, it's sickening....) He is definitely self-centered and the man he admires most is a jesuit professor who's never had a woman and does what he wishes with hsi time.... I did ask: why in the world do you want to bother with a relationship considering how you calue using your time? I let him come and live with me in France for 3 months and often he would want to go shopping on his own, or do stuff alone to use his language skills.... He said: "I've figured out how I can make the best of my time here: hang out with people without you". When I think of it, and as I watch myself typing these words, I realize how ridiculous it is... Naturally, I was hysterical, but he'd just gotten there and I figured he'd get over it and relax... But ultimately, I think he wanted a "host mom", like in high-school exchanges... In fact, as he heads to law school, he'll be renting a room in a house, with a family, or a widow: perfect: alone, yet not alone... The problem, in my view, is this: people want all the benefits of relationships, while having one foot in and one foot out, in "case it just doesn't work out". But nothing can ever work out if you're not both feet in. I want to have my feet in, my feet tied, my hands tied, my heart tied. That's the only way to grow, to go, in my mind.... I want to be my boyfriend's best friend and vice versa and build a wonderful little life together, with activities and a complicity so complete that there is no fear of solitude from one another or separation... exquite osmosis....I know I'll get it - once I'm the kind of partner I want to attract.... I have bad memories of myself being hysterical with him, because he was so withholding... I tried to do the self-help thing, being rational, not taking any of the rejections personnally.... But ultimately, you feel the way you feel... and it's normal for a girl to feel rejected when her boyfriend won't spend weeknights with her on account of his "morning routine". I'll just listen to my feelings more next time - always the same lesson to be learned over and over again... your gut does not lie... Thanks so much for your input. It's the first time I've resorted to electronic assistance and I have to say it does make one feel better. Ultimately, no need for revenge: my revenge is the fact that he has a dried prune instead of a heart and I will take my ability to love deeply elsewhere - he's stuck with being limited....

Hey thanks. Nice you would respond to me, I've noticed your posts before and liked them.... Yeah, there's something about telling him : "you don't respect me" that would be kind of... "yeah, I don't, and?"... a big chance to take... I find it unbelievable he would exploit my tender spot, especially after having shagged it for a year and half!!!! One wants to say: why didn't you not date me, then? Actually, I did say that and , in his own future-lawyer slime way, he said..: "I had no problem with you being like that... but you kept mentioning you were gonna do something about it, so I got my hopes up...." Mind you, I did one stupid thing: I am a fan of strip clubs and took him three times... The last time, the next morning, he tried to dump me saying: "when I think of the hot bodies I could have.." yeah, forget how cool it is to date a chick who digs creepy night places... I actually don't regret that part. I'll still go, even without him frankly... But he is SOOOO ambivalent... And it sucked, because his ocnduct always made me feel rejected but he wouldn't leave me.. "you're a part of me, I love you, I can't..." Until I hade been in France for a week, and he could... Part of the hardship is that one can't believe one actually loved a jerk. Admitting he's a jerk means admitting to one's poor judgement (again...), so it seems easier to keep trying... No worry, that feeling is passing, thank christ. Ironically, he's a branch. Tall and bony, super bony, cause he's a marathon runner. And neevr dates runners.... I think he picks chicks he can feel superior to, which is pathetic... And at first, and even now in some respects, he feels like a dwarf compared to me (on specific issues). he used ot make jokes about how much smarter I was than he and, well, not smart enough I guess since I stuck around... The only thing, and I'll finish with this, that prevents me from totally breaking it off once and for all, is that I don't want him to add me to this list of women (3 now) whom he broke up with thinking they wanted more from him than he was willing to give. Ah yeas, the easy ploy of making women pass for needy little girls to cloak your own totally ungiving and inadequate self....

HI Shy guy, Ironically, the date you joined is my birthday.. october 16... Thanks a lot for your reply. No, I'm not doing it for him. But I do have to say that time is like cotton... you get used to yourself a certain way, and you even get used to wanting yourself to be different... used to being dissatisfied... and this jarred me... I do get motivated when I'm pissed off. It's not for anyone's approval, it's to have rights: society is weird that gorgeous girls get away with a lot more.... when you're only attractive,it's like something happens that you have to "obey". A bald guy has to be nicer than Brad Pitt, because he has "fewer options"... if you know what I mean. And I'm sick of it, totally sick of it. Yes, I have a fantasy that I'll run into him in several months and his jaw will drop off his face and I'll have the right to treat him the way he treated me... Not a lofty goal, but some Kill Bill action is needed here... I know he will call or email sometime soon and I feel like smiting him... to be honest, if I say something mean, he'll never call again, and I won't get the chance ... weird dilemma...If I act bored or indifferent, he'll do the same. He's a comfort seeker, so... Maybe the best is just silence....

Here it is: I'll try to be brief. I've been with a guy for a year and a half and he just dumped me 10 days ago. I'm in Europe, he's in the states, but I spent all year over there (after he broke up a first time last july 2003)... When I returned to the US, we got back together... I am cute, but I'm not claudia schiffer or anything... When he broke up, he invoked my not having satisfactorily lost weight in all that time . I lost 6 kilos and have a few more to go, but I'm tall and attractive, and he didn't mind.... He said: "it's not the weight, it's the fact it proves your inability to be loyal to your own goals".... vomit.... But... I could see the truth in it. I've lost 3 more since I got back to Europe and am sticking to it. I do think it's important to be beautiful. He wants to stay in contact and be friends. I know he enjoys how insightful I can be, and forthright and giving, but there's something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. The place I'm being relegated to...I'm heading back there normally July 20 and wonder what position to adopt. Contact? No contact? be a bitch a bit, for a change... Could use wise advice... Also, he writes emails and calls a little bit, not much, just to see maybe... It was great for a while, and we thought we would marry... The he came up with "maybe I could do better" BS... I overheard him talk to a friend about how great I was, but that maybe he could find someone more attractive.... I insist that I'm not a damn sea bass and he used to find me beautiful... he's heading to law school and I think "wants to play the field". Any idea of how I could "smite" him? My dignity has really been hurt ...