Snaffy

Hi all, Sorry I haven't responded again until now, but many thanks for your replies, particularly Kate111 and Muneca, for your continued interest and support, I really appreciate your help. The past few days have been a bit brighter for me, more ups than downs, which is a reversal from how things had been since he broke off contact. By today, this is the longest I've gone without hearing from him or contacting him (I still haven't!) in the whole 4 years we've known each other (a sixth of my whole life!) In reply to your comments: Kate111 - I do like the idea of him being left wondering how I've taken what he's done. Do you think it'll be on his mind at all? Or is he likely to think nothing more of it when he doesn't hear from me? I'm not sure if I could deal with another bad experience at the moment, so I might have to leave it a while before trying another online thing. I hope I've learned something from all this, though I'm worried it's only made it even harder for me to trust anyone again in the future. I do have an urge to change some stuff in my life, and see this as a new beginning, and try to forget what's ended... Muneca - I doubt whether he's sensitive enough to see my silence as showing his behaviour has been wrong, he probably thinks it's ok, especially if he's been pestered enough by his girlfriend AntimonyER - Your situation does sound similar, although in my case, his girlfriend had nothing to fear, there really was nothing going on between us any more. But she got her way anyway. I've no idea what their relationship is like, or how long it's lasted. I hope that he will come to regret what he's done, and maybe even have the guts to tell me so. Whether I could forgive him or not I don't know, I feel like I'm all out of forgiveness for him at the moment, considering I had to 'forgive' him cheating on me in the first place in order to remain friends. It would be nice to have the opportunity to reject him for a change though! Scout - You're wrong about it not being platonic since our break up, it totally was, and as I've said previously, I knew we'd never get back together, but I wanted to salvage something from all the mess. Whether his actions can be seen as 'mature' as you say, really depends whose side you see it from, but from where I am, it's just hurtful. Maybe his girlfriend should be mature enough to accept that he can still have female friends without it threatening their relationship. I know now (and probably knew a long time ago) that maybe no contact would have been better from the beginning (of the end of the relationship). But also like I've said before, I don't have enough friends to go losing them, and we had been best friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 years. It was just too much for me to lose everything he was to me, I knew I'd lost the boyfriend bit, and even the 'best' friend bit, but something was better than nothing. Shows how pathetic I am, I know, I'm the first to admit that. And for some of us, it IS very hard to make friends, you're very lucky to be able to think differently about that. Best wishes to everyone, Snaffy

Hello again everyone, Many thanks again for your replies, I'll respond to them in order again. Muneca - I totally agree with you that he's felt he could just walk all over me, that's definitely the impression I've given him. I stupidly thought he might think good things about me for having the grace to stay pleasant and friendly with him after he hurt me so much. I never once showed anger towards him, only hurt, and I thought that might gain me a bit of respect. Foolish again. On the other hand, by not replying to him (which I still haven't), am I doing exactly the same thing again? Letting him think what he's done is ok? Letting him think he hasn't really hurt me, I'm just respecting his wishes and thereforeeee he has nothing to feel bad about? I just don't know. Kate111 - Thanks for saying I sound sweet, if only he had agreed! Heh. I have actually tried an online dating site, that's how I had the brief relationship a few months ago, but that's pretty much put me off that kinda thing! Though when I'm feeling particularly lonely I do still think about trying it again. Who knows.. I certainly think you're right that finding someone else would take my mind off him. It did earlier this year, but of course that's now over as well. I'm still going over and over in my head, whether or not I should reply to him. I don't think he'd think I was scared as such (in not replying), he must either think I'm too hurt or angry to reply. Either way I hope that gets to him. He likes to think of himself as a 'nice guy' (what a joke). But by not replying, it really is annoying me that I'm giving his girlfriend exactly what she wants, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... If anyone has any ideas as to how I could do something about that, I'd appreciate them! Davo1066 - It's hard not to take something like this personally. If he had any compassion or respect for me whatsoever, I don't know if he'd have done this. And to think that he's just respecting his girlfriend's wishes, doesn't offer me much peace of mind, considering he failed to do exactly the same for me when we were together (that really gets to me, how similar the situations are, but when reversed, I still get the worst of it). If it would drive his girlfriend nuts, then I'd be very tempted to contact him in whatever way as much as possible, but I reckon that could back-fire on me, and simply push them closer to each other, and make him hate me. You're right that if I'd ended contact when the relationship itself ended, I would probably be over the pain of it all, or at least be getting to that stage, but instead I'm back at almost square one. Best wishes to everyone, Snaffy.

Hi all, Today has been a slightly better day than yesterday for me, I'm hoping that trend continues, but I'm not sure if it will. I keep randomly crying over all this, it's so silly. It's felt the same as it did when he originally ended our relationship, and that took me about 2 years to get over, so can I expect the same again now? I really hope it won't take that long to get past his latest breaking of my heart. I also hope this is the last time he can do it, though I suppose if I find out that he's getting married/moving in with girlfriend/having a baby, etc etc, that will crush me all over again. I'm not sure which is worse, him not wanting contact any more, or the thought of him with someone else. Obviously I knew he wouldn't be on his own forever after our breakup, and I guess by staying in touch I totally left myself open to the day I'd find out he had someone new. I knew it would be agony, and it is. But maybe it would feel worse to have to stay in contact with him in the knowledge of it. Or maybe it wouldn't feel so final, if we were able to stay friends despite it. Either way, he hasn't given me that choice or chance to know. In reply to your messages (for which I'm very grateful to all who have posted): Sinnerboy - Thank you, it's good to know there are nice people out there willing to help each other, I really like this site already too. I never felt he treated me properly as a friend since we broke up, it was all one-sided with me always having to contact him first, and then wait ages for a response, etc. But despite the 'quality' of that so-called friendship, it did at least feel like something had been salvaged from the mess of our broken relationship, and I had felt that brought me some comfort, so it's been hard to lose him all over again. Alec - You're right, it certainly never felt like he cared about me, after all, how could someone who cheated on me, suddenly start caring about me after the relationship itself ended? I was a fool to think staying friends would work. Kate111 - Thanks for your kind words. I wish I could believe that I will meet someone better for me, or anyone at all for that matter, but I honestly don't. He was the first guy I've ever properly loved and who, for a time at least, I thought actually loved me back. That's never happened to me before. Because I thought we were going to be with each other forever, it was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever done to me (and that's saying something as I've come accross plenty of people who have hurt me!). *lol at your suggestion of what I should call him!* It's certainly true. But I couldn't do that, it would only give him the higher moral ground. I sooo wish I could forget about him, maybe time will help, but I sometimes pray for a bout of amnesia regarding this whole relationship! My shyness is so bad that I have no friends at all, apart from people I talk to online, it's so much easier here. I do try very hard, given the opportunity, to be friendly and nice to people I meet, in the hope that they might want to be friends with me, but it ends up coming accross as just trying too hard, which I guess just makes me seem weird. Any friends I had in the past haven't stayed in contact with me, for whatever reasons, and unlike with my ex, I've tried to keep some dignity and not chase after people for friendship they don't want to give. Maybe I should have lumped him in with the rest of them, and I could have dealt with the no contact thing when the relationship ended! I am actually seeing a psychologist at the moment (for another problem, yes, another one, hehe!) but I have been to one in the past to try to deal with my lack of confidence, unfortunately to no avail. Because I have such low self-esteem, I find it impossible to go places in order to meet new people, as friends or relationships, but I know that's a vicious circle. But I simply don't have the courage to go places on my own and start talking to people, I've been hurt too many times before. So I feel very shut down emotionally, and feel like I can't take the control I need over the way my life's going, because I don't have the experience or guts to try things and see how they go. It's like I just can't take any more painful experiences in the hope of finding something, anything, someone, who might make things ok. Muneca - I know that I've been pathetic for allowing him to treat me the way he has. I've been a doormat to him for so long, I guess it's kinda a habit. I was just so desperate not to lose him from my life completely, that I was prepared to be treated like he did. It's lucky I've never gone out with a guy prone to physical violence, 'cause I feel like I'd be exactly the type who would just let it happen. I don't think enough of myself to believe I shouldn't have to take crap from a guy, and although he wasn't violent, the emotional pain he inflicted on me was never enough to make me say 'enough'. I really hope I can heal from this, and in some way, become stronger for it, I certainly need to be, but I do feel very beaten down. Kissonthelips - *lol* I'm extremely tempted to take your advice and reply to him in that way. Unfortunately, I told him about the break-up of a short relationship I had early this year, which ended in Feb, and how down I was about it (not that he gave me much sympathy - I think 'sorry to hear that' was the sum of it). So it would probably sound like a lie if I was now to say that I was with someone else now, who wasn't bothered about my contact with him. It just wouldn't ring true I'm afraid. But how I'd love to be able to respond like that, especially if it was the truth! Heh, if only. I also like your suggestion for pointing out to him that his new girlfriend sounds possessive, and mention the irony of that, in comparison to what he said about me when he got rid of me originally. So, I'm still trying to deal with it, a day at a time, thinking that at least the ball's still in my court until I respond, if I ever do.. If I wasn't to actually reply to his email, there is a website forum that we both go on, so I guess I could try to use that in some way to get messages through to him, whether they be cryptic but nasty (!) or simply to get accross any good news I may have (if I ever have any, and what a big if that is) in the hope that success is the best revenge, I don't know, any thoughts on that? And does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the thoughts of him with his new girlfriend and all the jealousy that brings up? Again, thanks for any replies, and feel free to pm me anyone who wants to, I'll always reply Snaffy.

Hi everyone, Just a quick message to thank everyone who's replied, I've got to get to bed now but I'll reply to you all tomorrow. Didn't want you to think I hadn't bothered reading your messages! Thanks again and talk to you soon. Snaffy

Many thanks QTpie87, have pm'd you.

Hi everyone, I'm new here, first post so please be gentle! Especially with the state I'm in at the moment, feeling kinda fragile! I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but would appreciate any advice or just support you can give me. Basically, my ex boyfriend and I split up nearly 2 years ago after he cheated on me. Being the doormat that I am, I chose to stay friends with him, not because I thought we would ever get back together (how could I trust him again, to do that?) but just because I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, even just as a friend. I don't have many friends, and felt I couldn't afford to lose him, so we maintained a friendship of sorts up until this week. And that's why I'm here. A few days ago he emailed me saying he didn't want to stay in contact with me or be friends any more, because he's going out with someone who's important to him, and he doesn't want to upset her by staying in touch with me. It was like 2 horrible things in 1 go, as I didn't even know he was going out with anyone, and he also doesn't want to know me any more. Sadly I'm not a big enough person to be happy for him in his new relationship, especially as I'm completely alone, and very lonely. It's ironic because when we were together, and I became suspicious that he was cheating on me with a female 'friend' of his, he got rid of me saying I was paranoid and possessive, but this time, when his new girlfriend is acting like that, he gets rid of me as the friend, so it seems no matter which way around it is, I'm still the one who gets pushed aside. That hurts me so much. I can't even see why he'd mention me to his new girlfriend, why would he? If I mean as little to him as I obviously do, then I wouldn't think I was worth mentioning. I haven't replied to his email, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't. I'm hoping it would make him feel worse about it if he doesn't know how I've taken it, because if he knew I was angry, then he'd probably think he was glad not to be in contact any more, and if he knew I was upset, he'd just think I was pathetic (which of course I am, but I don't need to demonstrate that to him yet again). I'm hoping that the hurt he's caused me through this latest incident will play on his mind even just a little bit, and perhaps grow into some resentment of his girlfriend for making him cut off contact with me. I've thought of trying to take some kind of revenge, but I'd be too scared of being found out, and in the end it would probably come back on me anyway. But I do feel very helpless. It had taken me all this time to try to get over the hurt he caused me the first time round when he cheated on me and ended the relationship, and now all those old wounds have been opened up again, and I have to somehow not only heal them again, but heal the new ones he's just caused, and all this without even having him as a friend, which is all I wanted, not that he'd been much of a friend to me in the intervening time. I've struggled for a long time with loneliness, both in not having a relationship, and not having friends, and it's when stuff like this happens, that the lack of them really hits home. I'm extremely shy and find it difficult to form and maintain relationships of any kind (in case you're wondering why I'm so alone). I don't really know what I'm asking of anyone here, maybe just any advice as to how to put this behind me, for good this time. But please don't say I need to get out and meet someone new, as I've tried that, and been hurt again in the 2 years since this relationship ended, so I don't have much faith in that working now. Sorry for such a long message, hope it hasn't bored anyone who's been good enough to read to the end! Thanks in advance for any replies. Snaffy