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Lily04

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  1. Lily04
    Yeah good point....I do tend to overanalyze things. I don't know why. Maybe it's like anxiety disorder or something, I do have an obsessive compulsive disorder and personality, so I wouldn't be surprised....it just seems almost uncontrollable. I think too much.
  2. Lily04
    No, that's stupid. That's called 'friendship' not a relationship....
  3. Lily04
    But you know what. At the same time.....I got the impression that he wanted nothing serious from me, so maybe this is for the best. That's why I was sorta hesitant as well.... Although I was lukewarm in my e-mail, he was completely professional in tone saying "happy holidays, let me know how progress on the paper is going in the next few days." Would a guy who is really interested say something like that?? sounds like something a professor would say to a student....not someone who is really attracted to you. So maybe he also decided that since I wasn't an easy lay, he shouldn't try and it may be better to just be friends. I assumed it was my lukewarm tone that led him to that, but it could have just been that he decided he wouldn't get what he wanted from me (easy sex) and it was better to move on as well. Why do men suck so much??? Lily
  4. Lily04
    Hi Annie, Right. Well as I mentioned in another post, after he didn't call me back I was thinking of ending it right there. I guess as I also mentioned, I was scared of getting hurt. Very much so. I didn't want him to think he can take advantage of me, or just play with me as I've had guys attempt to do in the past (i.e. try to have sex with me on the 2nd date, i refused, they never called me back...) and I thought that by telling him I think he's a player it would guard against that in a way...so he'd know that that's not what I want, and if he's trying to do that, it won't happen. The lack of trust here is evidently what caused this, based on my past experiences with men esp. in superior positions playing mind games, and it just created a negative mindset here, despite really being attracted to him. When he didn't call or message right away, and let things drift, I thought it was a sign of obvious disinterest (which I also told him) but he said it wasn't what he intended at all.....but then *I* deleted/blocked him on MSN because I'd get upset with seeing him there all the time and never messaging/calling me or anything. Anyway either way.....there were mixed signals. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I still like him but I feel like things have drifted....he's dating other people, likely feels it's better to just be friends as well. At least that's what his impartial e-mail seems to imply....it seemed somewhat withdrawn, not flirtatious...and he didn't even message me to say Merry Christmas or anything...:sad: Regarding confidentiality -- what I said wasn't that big a deal, even if he did tell others. So I wasn't that concerned. I wouldn't put something truly confidential in email form either. Lily
  5. Lily04
    because... he likely already thinks I'm crazy?? telling him my inner thoughts, or analyzing the 'relationship' so soon when things might already be broken might not be the best course of action!
  6. Lily04
    thanks ohio. check your message...i'm so confused by his response though. i think the connection may be lost. I don't know if I want to copy/paste his email here, but it sounds like something a prof. would send to a student (hence the note above about a sense of power differential, etc.)
  7. Lily04
    maybe I should have made my original post clearer? Did you think my email alluding to that made it explicitly understood?
  8. Lily04
    Hey, Thanks for your opinions..... You are soo relationship coaches!!! So this may not be done yet. awesome.... Regarding the subordinate/work relationship thing, that may be an issue....we do not work together so there are no rules against dating that we'd be breaching or anything like that, but he is a law student previously a Ph.D student here, and I am an undergrad. I think he feels that the intellectual/maturity gap may be too much, especially considering the fact that he was helping me with my essay... it is in a way mimicking that type of subordinate relationship, is it not? Although I am applying to law school as well, and will likely get into a good school, so it's not like I'm not intelligent either. He's 27 and I'm 22 so it's not like a huge age gap either. But if he's also wondering whether this can be a serious relationship (I am also questioning whether he just wants sex, which was why I wanted to slow down... we haven't had sex yet btw), and now retreating in tone....we might just end up as friends in any case.
  9. Lily04
    so honestly: people think my e-mail and tone likely pushed him away???? just that small message that i trusted him because he's "a friend"? man...i think I need a personal helper with regard to dating, I can't trust people and just push them away...is this in any way recoverable? hey what about this: i start chatting with him again on MSN/gmail....ask him how stuff is going. lightly flirt with him. pretend like nothing happened? and many people who date are ALSO friends so it's not like the two are exclusive. I see him as a friend and a potential date...
  10. Lily04
    he already said he thought I was being too serious about this though, as we just started dating i guess....you're right, one of my friends told me to focus more on actions than words as well, but I didn't listen. I am evidently not so great with dating. He's not back from New York until beginning of Jan. though, most likely...he may be coming back for a few days in between. Already we've had some difficulty with mixed messages and confusion based on that....I would delete him from MSN when I was pissed off at him, and did again most recently lol......ugh I just need things to be straight between us!! no more games!!! however, he already said he thinks i'm too complicated....sitting him down and saying this might just push him away as well. how to do this diplomatically?
  11. Lily04
    Ok. DN did you read my reply just above? with these time settings I'm not really sure if you saw... how would you suggest i mend it then? he likely thinks i'm a flaky freak by now lol....
  12. Lily04
    Ok. Let me clarify. I told him that I just want to be friends with him.......but then we heavily flirted and met the next day and flirted then (albeit a bit more lightly, but still eye contact, touching, etc.) after that the only indication that i wanted to be friends was in my email which was more subtle... i.e. this was what I said: "I trust you'll keep all of the info. in the previous email private...as it is somewhat confidential. I'm just letting you know as you are a friend and helped me out with it... thanks again." But my tone was obviously different, not so flirtatious. kill self?
  13. Lily04
    So I basically decided to tell the guy I had a major crush on...that I just want to be friends with him. Because I can't trust him yet and I feel like we're moving too fast (although I didn't explicitly tell him those reasons, he likely gets them.) I just sent an email to him telling him an update on my project he helped me with....and said "I trust you won't tell anyone this as it is confidential, but since you are a friend and helped me out with it, I'm letting you know." I was also impartial in my email, somewhat distant, not flirtatious. He responded the same -- flirtation removed, more professional. He said I should contact him again to let him know how progress is with my work though, he'd be interested in hearing. A different tone than before though. I'm just wondering if this can be productive for people at the start of a relationship though...I mean we just started dating but I got the impression that he was definitely interested in me sexually but I needed to have him see my other assets as well. If he can't, then we should just be friends first so those things can develop, and if not, then we're not meant to date anyway. Do you think this makes sense, or will be lose interest altogether? I still really like him.....but I felt like if we still continued flirting heavily, he already wanted me to go back to his place, etc...I felt pressured myself. Things just have to go slower if so, as I'm fairly new to dating as well.....I don't have that much experience. But he's also dating other girls right now. Do you think this retreat will just push him away altogether? Did anyone else do the same and did it turn out alright?
  14. Lily04
    what are you thinking now, camilla?
  15. Lily04
    No, people talk about the stupidest stuff with counsellors!! honestly....if it's something on your mind (which it seems to be, if you made a post about it here), it is worth discussing. However, there may be nothing to it. How would knowing help or not help you? Will it bring more pain to you to remember, or awareness, maybe clarify a few things? Would it help to talk with your cousin about it? To me, it does seem a bit weird that an 18-year-old would have a shower with an 8-year-old, esp. if those gestures were made (smiling, etc.) I remember when I was young...maybe in kindgarten/gr.1, I suppose around 7 years old, I would play "house" with my neighbours in their garage. During this time we'd have 'sleep/nap' time and they'd make me undress and I forget exactly what would happen....I remember at least one of them fondling me, even a guy around my age although a few were in their pre-teenage or teenage years. They were exploring sex around that time I guess, although I didn't know what is was... I remember one of them baby-sitting me and trying to make moves on me...but a lot is blocked. I just have random images, things were clearer before, but i'm not sure if I blocked it out... or what happened. I remember feelings of uneasiness, of scrambling to get dressed quickly when the parents would knock at the door, of feeling really scared when one would come to babysit and my parents asking what was wrong when I was so quiet playing on the swing. However, one thing is for certain that I didn't have sex with them and wasn't sexually abused by them otherwise I would definitely mention it. But now.....it's like almost 20 years later. I don't feel I've really been affected by these experiences except for it possibly contributing to my painful early childhood experiences, and being a social retard throughout childhood, which was also contributed by other issues which I won't get into. For me, I've moved on and although they may have meant something at the time it doesn't anymore. Other issues have overshadowed those, however, and I can't even remember exactly what happened. I am glad I changed neighborhoods though, and finding out exactly what happened wouldn't make much of a difference to me either way. However, with your history of abuse, etc. it may make a difference to you, esp. to at least talk it over with someone. I am going to start seeing a psychiatrist regularly and may bring it up just to reference some of the things i went through when I was younger and how I had a messed up childhood....but I may not. I'm not really sure yet to be honest. If you think it is something important to you to figure out, then I would. I wouldn't not do it because of a fear of feeling stupid...this is evidently not a stupid issue.
  16. Lily04
    Hey, We do have really similar situations, I wouldn't be surprised if the guy I was dating tried to the same thing. However, I considered what I should do in advance if he asks me out again (as he said he'd like to see me again in Jan. when he gets back from Christmas vacation.) Yet i really get the sense that all he wants is sex... and I am not into that. Anyway, I won't talk about my situation for now. I did suggest just being friends with him though, as you did. But then I thought about what "friendship" really means. Friendship is a mental/emotional connection, but not physical/sexual chemistry. It seems the opposite for both of us -- you evidently have a physical chemistry between you, and so it wouldn't be possible to 'just be friends' especially if he wants more. I think you have to be honest with yourself here, and tell him that you know he just wants you for sex, and you're not cool with that. You deserve better, and you don't want to see him again. That is what I am telling the guy I was talking about with you as well.....and he is indeed incredibly charming, charismatic, etc. In a way, you'll strike a chord with him as you're likely one of the only girls who presented him as a challenge. Be proud of that and move on. Don't let yourself get played. And good for you for not having sex with him! I didn't either...just be smart, and move on. Plenty of guys out there. =) Hope that helps, Lily
  17. Lily04
    This was also a red flag for me. I made a post before questioning whether people would date a player...or how to tell if the person's a player. I started dating a guy who I was (I admit) head over heels for... he seemed so charming, charismatic, extremely intelligent and good-looking. But things seemed to be going a bit *too* fast, he seemed a bit too relaxed after we just met, almost like he didn't care. Players are basically: (1) Guys with a lot of confidence; smooth-talking, try to make it seem like they're hot sh*t. (2) not so considerate of your feelings/apprehensions (3) moving too fast, especially suggesting meeting at his place after you just met, and already maknig sexual comments. (4) not being eager to return calls or call you. (5) explicitly say he's dating other people, adn can't meet because he has to meet up with friends, etc. (this on its own isn't necessarily a red flag that he's a player, but in combination with other things..) (6) He's not looking for anything "long-term", just looking for something not-complicated, short-term, that type of thing. I dated another player as well, we only went on 2 dates. On the 2nd date he brought me back to his apartment, he played low music, offered me wine and smokes, and tried to have sex. I just met him like a week or so ago. I said I don't do sex on the 2nd date, told him I'm better than that, and he never called me back. I will say, however, that some people think it's cool to have sex right away and that's fine. I just don't like it when guys *only* want to use you for sex, and thus see you as sexual objects... in that they don't want anything else with you. I only have sex with a guy if I'm in a committed relationship with them. So I never had sex with the guy mentioned above either, his loss. Lily
  18. Lily04
    I won't have sex with someone unless we're in a relationship.
  19. Lily04
    Seems like the most common places are work, through friends' or friends' parties/events, clubs at school, school in general (i.e. if you're in the same class, I know people often meet their bf/gf through that), or just randomly....bars are OK places but I don't trust them so much because the type of guys who often go to pick up girls at bars just want sex that night which i'm not into...
  20. Lily04
    Thanks Lady. Well the fact that he specifically said he's not looking for something serious with me and only casual leads me to believe he just wants sex. I've since told him that I just want to be friends. Thanks. =)
  21. Lily04
    And would you be so turned off that you wouldn't even want to go out with her again? This is completely a hypothetical question because I am not going out with him again, but I'm just curious... if what I did was really so 'wrong' or a dating 'faux-pas' that can't possibly get past. I'm of the belief that almost anything is amenable this soon in the game, and even later, but again, I'm a mediator so my job is related to patching conflicts..........but i'm perhaps the most illogical person ever, as one of my friends pointed out today, so I need some other thoughts here. thanks so much.
  22. Lily04
    k but just for the record... GUYS: would you totally be turned off by a girl who asks you this question so soon -- i.e. what are you looking for in a relationship, and then ask if he's dating other women, as you suspect you may just be a plaything 'on the side'? Keep in mind that we only had one date, at this point, but there is a strong connection between you two, and you feel like you've known each other for a while (even if not the case.) Just this lack of trust by one of the parties is complicating things. I felt like I had to ask before I moved forward, as I was really suspicious that I was only going to be used for sex and I'm totally not up for that.
  23. Lily04
    Thanks guys, Ilse I appreciate your compliments. a2000 I sent you a PM about that if you want to check. From now on I'm taking dating more casually and not over-analyzing things in general. If someone doesn't make me feel comfortable or safe I won't go out with them. But I still agree that I probably shouldn't have outright accused him of being a player, wanting me to just 'be the girl on the side', having multiple gfs, and such after the 1st date. That was not a very smart thing to do, as it would send most guys packing!! But I guess I learned... next time, even though it was driving me crazy, just ask him out again and get a better impression... or just go with the flow and not evaluate so early on. Thanks, Lily
  24. Lily04
    Totally agree... women on dating sites i'd imagine, on average, should get *at least* 50 smiles/date requests per week. depends on the time (summer people usually want to date more) but guys i don't think have the same ratio....if you want a free meal everyday, go for online dating!!! hahaha. j/k.
  25. Lily04
    Hey Norway, I like your carefree/take it as it goes approach to dating. I've decided on that as well. I like the fact that you also told her your position honestly (you can't be the guy on the side) and i'm glad she respected that. I wish you guys good luck... but caution that if you feel you are just becoming 'the guy at the side' to end it, because of potential for both of you to become hurt. That is a decision for you to make, but just something I'd personally feel strongly about. Cheers, Lily
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