RyanA1084

Hi everyone. My situation is this: my girlfriend (of 5 months) and I broke up about 6 weeks ago. We were both hurt a lot but have stayed friends. I was unsure of breaking up with her when it happened but decided I should stick with my decision. Last week I went and visited her, and she asked me if I was sure that I didn't want to date again. My answer was something like "I think about it all the time... but I have to say no". Problem is, I'm not so sure. A part of me wants to give it another chance. But the other part says that the same things will happen again and we'll both end up hurt. This has been a constant debate in my head since we broke up. I have an internship in Boston coming up in a week (I live in michigan, and she's in mich. for the summer) and it lasts for 10 weeks. So, even if I was sure I wanted to get back together, it wouldn't really make sense to do so until I got back. My problem is, should I tell her that I'm not sure and need some time to figure things out, or would that be inappropriate to get her hopes up and wait for me to decide? Would it be better for her to think that I'm no longer interested and try to move on? I really am torn about what to do...it doesn't seem like it should be so hard to figure out but it is.

Best thing to do is just ask her. Easier said than done, but it's true. Also, I'd reccomend checking out link removed, it's a great site for helping guys to build confidence about stuff like this. Good luck!

Some guys are just shy. I know I was, and when my girlfriend first kissed me it was the greatest thing ever. Girls are allowed to make the first move too, and often the guy will really appreciate it. Good luck

No, I didn't mention the boston girl to instigate a break up. I mentioned it because it seemed like my only choice. She was a good friend of mine, and I felt that I was being given a second chance for our friendship. I told my girlfriend because it seemed the lesser of two evils. I dunno, maybe honesty wasn't the best policy and I shouldn't have had anything to do with this girl from my past in the first place. This issue was just what brought up the real problem, which had been slowly accumulating. It wasn't the reason we broke up. The reason I finally decided to end it was that I realized that I was putting all the effort into the relationship and she just kept questioning it, until finally I started to believe her doubts. A part of me says that even from the beginning we weren't as compatible as we wished we were, and we stayed together because most of all we both just wanted someone to be with. But then another part of me remembers the time we spent together and I know what I felt was real. She was so close to the perfect girl in my mind that maybe I overlooked some things that I shouldn't have. I don't know. As it stands right now, I miss her and I cant help thinking about going back, but at the same time, I think it's amazing that we lasted as long as we did and I don't want to go back only to go through all this pain again. It's hard to imagine anyone taking her place, but the way things were going, it couldn't have lasted. Again, mostly just thinking aloud...thanks for listening...

Don't worry, same thing happened to me. First of all, in my experience, my girlfriend didn't have a problem with it because it made her feel good to know that she got me so turned on. Also, the more, ah, "experience" you have, the longer you'll last. When it's totally new there's really no controlling it, but you get to know your limits. Hope this helps, don't sweat it too much. It can be kinda embarrassing, yes, but it's normal. That or we've both got the same problem!

I went through a similar experience with my ex-gf. She would get really sad and depressed because of a combination of stress and self esteem problems, and it was really hard to be there for her all the time. I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to say, but I think what really matters is that she has someone to talk to. Do what you can, but if it gets bad make sure she realizes that a) she might actually need to get professional help, you may have great intentions but you're not superman and b) it's hard for you to constantly be there. That's what ended my relationship, she would start doubting "us" when she was feeling down, and after a while I couldn't keep up the support. Good luck

Yes, my parents met when they were in high school. I'd say be careful, and take things slowly, but it is possible.

Hey all, don't give up hope! I was in the same situation as of last fall, but I finally realized that I had to confront my fears, and take a risk. I asked out a girl I liked and we ended up having a serious realtionship. See a girl you think you like? Go do something about it. I found another site that's really great for boosting confidence and giving the right mindset. link removed Some of their advice is a bit harsh, but there's some really good stuff there for setting you on the right track. Good luck

So, to give a summary of everything to date as best I can: I broke up with my girlfriends of 5 months about a month ago. Our relationship started off being off and on for a month or so before that, but we both decided that we wanted it to work and were extremely happy together. But, she had some self esteem problems, which were made worse by some (mostly just the one) of my friends not liking her and not being very subtle about it. She had mood swings, and whenever she would start to feel down about things she would question the relationship and I would have to be reassuring and patch things up. As things went on, more and more often one of us would say something that hurt the other one. What finally did it was, I have an intership in Boston this summer, and I heard from a female friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a while and who I used to like who said she would be in Boston and that we should hang out. She's been dating a guy for a year and I have moved on from liking her, but I felt it would be the honest thing to do to tell my girlfriend that I might be hanging out with this girl. I knew she'd be jealous, but I weighed my options and decided that it would be better to tell her now than for her to find out later and think I was hiding something. So I told her, and she got sad and jealous, and said that maybe we should take a break for the 10 weeks I'd be gone. And instead of taking up my normal reassurance position, I said maybe she was right. This got us both upset, and from there we talked for a while, and the next day I ended it. I know it broke her heart, and it broke mine because I really wanted it to work but it seemed like I was putting most of the effort into it and we were having more and more frequent problems. Still, when things were good I was really happy and so was she. We've stayed in touch, though I know it's against the "no contact rule" talked about here a lot. I told her when we broke up that I still wanted to be friends and we're on good terms all things considered. The problem is, I can't help thinking about all the good times and wanting to change my mind. But then I remember the bad stuff and think well, maybe I just need to give it more time, that it's for the best. Now today she left me a messagesaying that she wanted to get this off her chest: she apologized for taking me for granted, for asking me to do so much and not treating me with very much respect. She apologized for not being fair to my friends and not being fair to me when the situation with them wasn't something i could control. She apologized for catching me up in her emotional insecurites. She said that this experience was a great lesson for her for life ant that she would carry it with her in future relationships with both friends and family. I had been pretty good the past few days but this morning I had been reminiscing already about the good times,and then reading this it made me want to take her back right then. I know I should give it time, but it's really hard sometimes. I don't know if I had any particular question, just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has been through anything similar or has anything to say, please do. Heh, I started this post thinking it would be pretty short, but i guess not. Thanks for listening.

About 3 months, though we both were thinking it before that.

It ended, and it was terribly painful for both of us, but there was never any anger on my part. She got mad at one point, but apologized and said something that's probably the most meaningful compliment I've ever received. She was telling me why she un-blocked me on instant messenger and said "I realized, you only meet so many awesome people in your life, and it's too sad to lose the best one even for a little bit." So, I guess my question was more "does anyone have advice about staying friends with an ex?" because I want to, it's just hard not to be awkward right now. I guess it probably just takes time...

I collected these quotes prior to and during my recent breakup. First, a couple upbeat ones: "I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time." Hobbes (of Calvin and …) "I have you. A lover and a friend. You are everything I need. You are the sun, the air I breathe. Without you, life wouldn't be the same. Please don't ever go away. And if you go, then don't forget to take me with you." Author: Basia, Reward These next few fit so well I had to include them: "The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presense." Author: Edward Thomas "Had we never loved so kindly, Had we never loved so blindly, Never met - or never parted, We had never been broken-hearted." - - - - Robert Burns "Ae Fond Kiss" "After all my erstwhile dear, my no longer cherished; Need we say it was not love, just because it perished?" - - - - Edna St. Vincent Millay "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell." - - - - Edna St. Vincent Millay Here's one that's really negative, but sometimes seems all too true...: "Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -Rose Walker I have to include this one, it's something I wrote down after having a bad day and talking to my girlfriend. It may not mean much to you, but hey, this is my quote list! 8) Me: "I couldn't get my physics, so I tried my physics lab, couldn't get that, so I tried my astro homework and couldn't get that, and now I can't even get money from the bank!" Her: "Well, you've got me, that counts for something" Some motivational ones to help with moving on: "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." - Margaret Mitchell "Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt before." Author: Anonymous "Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars." Henry Van Dyke I printed this one out and read it a lot right after the breakup: May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form. May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved. -Unknown.

Hi everyone. I broke up with my first serious girlfriend (of 5 months) a few weeks back. Basically the abridged version is, we started off being off and on, were great for a while, but more and more things started coming up where one or both of us would get upset. She had bad mood swings and when she would get down she would question the relationship and say things that really hurt. Finally when she suggested that we take a break over the summer (I've got a 10 week internship on the east coast, we go to school at the University of Michigan, so I'll be gone for 10 weeks), I said maybe she was right, and from there we broke things off. I realized that I was putting in a ton of effort to keep the relationship going and she just kept questioning it whenever she was in a bad mood. I know she did it for reassurance but I couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway, we were both heartbroken after we broke up because neither of us wanted it to end. When everything was fine it was seriously the happiest I've ever been. We've stayed in contact and have said that we will still stay friends. Here's where I need the advice... I still feel kinda awkward talking to her (online for the most part). There are times when I want to change my mind but I realize I have to give things time. I really want to stay friends but I don't know how to do it without things being weird. Is it really possible to be friends after a serious relationship ends? Any advice is really appreciated. -Ryan