My Day to Day Effort to Win Her Back.

I thought it would be interesting if i shared my story and then my day to day efforts to be with my exgirlfriend....you can share with me your thoughts of how i may have done well or poorly on a given day.

Well, my story follows:

We broke up officially on October 16, 2004. She moved out of our apartment at the end of September. She told me about her plans to move out on August 1, 2004. She said the reasons for moving out were: 1. we were having issues that seemed to get out of control since May and could not take a chance of signing a new contract to live with me while she attended a one year accelerated nursing program at Rush in Chicago, because if we could not work it out, she may end up putting her education (comes with a scholarship and a job for 3 years) in jeopardy. 2. she needed to find out if I was the one 3. she wanted to live alone and gain some independence (she felt she took advantage of me and all I gave her and did not want to have to depend on me anymore for happiness).

When she first told me her plans in August, I did everything I could to keep her to stay. By September, She actually told me she wanted to see if we could work it out, but this dark cloud developed over our relationship that seemed to sabotage everything we tried to do. By mid September, she decided to continue with her original plans. This attempt by her to try to work it out and comments in therapy (two sessions) that she would not be leaving if it was not for nursing school were strong enough reasons for me to swallow my pride and let her move out…and all the while, help her with her new place and continue to date her.. (Also, during a trip to Scotland in April, she said she would have married me – she thought I was going to ask). The night she decided to move, I went to live with my sister. We ended up talking and by the end of the week, I was back and she was telling me how upset she got that I was not there and how much she missed me and my support…she was still moving out however.

The slide in our relationship seemed to start in May through August, she got a new job and we worked opposite hours…we started to slowly slide out of the relationship with building resentment, etc…..Nothing two people could not have worked out….things that counseling could have helped with if we ever talked about them, but when in therapy early on we were too busy trying to deal with the dark cloud.

So why the protracted relationship with her after she said she wanted to move out? She just kept dangling carrots out there for me by saying things like "I still want to date you" "you are still the man in my life" "I still think about us" "who knows what the future holds"..she kept my picture in her living room….she did not want to date other men…"my sister is routing for you". " I have been thinking about a future with you"….."I love you"….But, come the holidays, she did not want me to go home with her (as we have several times). This caused me even more grief…she would no longer come to my parents and she did not want me to go to see hers?…what was I if we were still "dating?" Recently about two weeks ago when a college strike may have caused her not to get into the nursing program, she said she would have gotten back with me to work things out..Another carrot!

By October 16 we broke up…..no more sexual relations…..by mid week we were talking again…I had given her a card that basically said that I will always be there for her while she is in Nursing school…..I still love her very much, and if I have a snowball's chance in hell with us getting back together, I want to know I was there for her when she needed it most…

But, again as always seemed to be the case, I would drag her into conversations about us and future and frustrate her and myself. So, she said we needed to take a week and stop contact. We did and by Saturday, with the help of friends and family, I was doing great…on Sunday, she called and left a message…I did not call..trying to be strong…she called a second time and I did not answer…by Monday morning, she was calling at my work…she said she was worried about me and it was just weird I was not calling…So I shot her an email that I could not call and would not be able to have contact until maybe sometime in the new year….i informed her of the damage I was causing myself by sticking around in the relationship….she shot an email to my sister who called me and read it to me that Monday…she said in her email it was therapy to write her. She basically wrote to tell her how much she liked my family and missed them and sorry it did not work out….etc….by that evening….i got weak and decided to visit her at her new place…she let me in and told me how she was so upset with the email that she was vomiting and crying…we started talking again…still broken up though…

After a series of great times together (no sex) and our monthly crap discussion about us that is set off by me due to something that triggered it, I recently had to take a stand and tell her I could not stay in her life as long as I continued to have strong feelings for her. She said fine and told me it would be easier this time…for her I am sure….

Currently, she has some of my things and visa versa….I have some things (baseballs signed) from her mom I am having authenticated and will sell on ebay…she has a rug, computer, microwave of mine…. come xmas…I hope to have a check for her mom and send Tori a gift for xmas through her sister….This will be the only form of contact until I am ready to try and have that friendship she seeks.

I worry myself to death some days and others I am mostly ok……She will be done with the program in a year, should I wait until then to contact her? Do I stick with my word and help her while she is in nursing school (it will be tough in that school)..Do I call her back if she calls?….Do you think she is just using me for the things I offer her?…I really don't want to be out of her life 100% for good because I don't want to lose touch with her emotionally? What if she meets some other guy to connect with since I am not around?

She is 26 and entering her first real career move with nursing school and it is very important to her to succeed with school and I more then understand that, because that is why I did my best to continue to be there with her and help her…I love her and due to all the carrots and possibilities she put out there that we may try again….One of the last things she said to me was never say never (I told her I was beginning to think we would never get back together)………and she said we are not going to get back together unless she feels it will work out…..(and with the stresses of school, she can't work on it now and I understand that)….but she does not want me to wait around for her she says…so confused!!!!

There is one more issue here….we have about 99% the same friends. We will end up seeing each other out most likely….what to do and how to act. I love her so much and she has told me she is confused too…

I spoke with my best friend about my situation with my ex for the first time yesterday. he agreed with me that i should take the high road and be there for her, respecting that she does not want a relationship right now. however, i should allow my self to date other people and kind of cut the string of hope that we will get back together because it only gets in the way. i must look at her as a friend or relative who i care deeply about and whos life i want to be in and support while they go through some tough times.

last night, my ex and i went to dinner. you know, a nice dinner before the holidays....

dinner was nice and we enjoyed each other's company. we did not talk about "us" at all. My goal is not to and just enjoy each other and have good times... ... then as she was dipping her finger in a bowl with chocolate in it, i asked if i could eat it off her finger.....well, you could imagine that she said no because it is too "sexual" to do that.....then, somehow we started talking about things we shouldn't have and then i blurt out that i was with two girls since our breakup in october....not really thinking of how wrong it was to say....then i asked her, have you slept with anyone since the breakup and she said yes....

i wanted to puke my sushi all over the table at that point....picturing her with anyone or even the fact that she would be with anyone after telling me she did not want a relationship...

she further stated that it was a one time thing and happened on the night that i told her i could not talk to her anymore (my first attempt and no contact)....

here is the email she wrote to my sister after getting my no contact note:

That night of the email she slept with someone..(i guess a small problem with the no contact rule) she says she told him that it was a onetime thing….(did you notice the line: . who knows? maybe xxxxxx and i will find our way back to each other. i'm definitely open to that, but i realize that i can't be responsible for holding him back from anything.) this is the window that I have been trying to crawl through ever since it all started….she is leaving the door open, but in the meantime, does not want me to wait….and I would.

Later last night we went to a bar and met some friends…..i was visibly dealing with something, my friends could tell, no matter how much I tried to hide it…my ex felt horrible and wished she never told me…she was saying things like give me an Indian burn take it out on me…then she tried to make me laugh by tickling me…...evidently, one of my female friends told my ex to basically stop leading me on…but she had to correct her and let her know that our going out is mostly my idea……she does not call me to get me to take her out…..my friend still got it accross that she was unhappy that it seemed that my ex was inadvertently making my life hell by spending time with me. But my ex's benefit, we both decided to have this time together…that is what we both want…

When she left to go home she asked if I wanted to go with her…probably to talk about it all, but I had my vehicle there and drove a friend home…I did go to her house after that though…

She let me in and I don't remember much of what was said other then she did not want me to stay the night because it would be too confusing….she then kissed me on the lips (a quick one….something she has not done in a while.)

this was her phone message before i arrived. i did not get it until the next day:

She called from her sisters house up north. she asked me how i was...she called right after arriving via bus from chicago..

we ended up talking about our situation and how we felt about each of our revelations about the people we slept with....at first she got upset that i was making a big thing of her fling and that i would not let her live it down,,,i did not mean that to happen , she is definitely sensitive about it...she said she wish she had never told me...

when she called she asked me how i was and even though i anticipated the call, i told her i was still dealing with it all and that i was at a loss of what to do about us....we both tried the no contact and we did not like it....i told her i did not want to be the fool that looks like he is holding onto or trying to keep any shred of relationship together while you (my ex) end up finding some guy….and then I am in the cold…...she got upset and said that "I am not trying to meet anyone!" that one time guy was a month and a half ago!!..if we ended up in a relationship, I would tell you, but I am not looking for a relationship!!…she repeated at some point in the conversation that she never said that we would "never" get back together…I just don't know if we will and that it is like you want to get back together soon....it is not going to happen…in the meantime, I can't ask you to put your life on hold, that is too much pressure for me, I don't want that responsibility, she said.

..then she said, then does that mean you don't want to talk to me anymore, because we have tried that ....you tell me, she said, that you want to be there for me and spend time with me one moment, and then the next you want to cut all ties...this is stressing me out too....she further said, i care about you and enjoy what we have together right now but i can't be going back and forth...we should come up with a plan together and stick to it...."

I told her no, I don't want to cut all ties and that I was sorry it all happened and she agreed we both made it happen….she had to go, because it was long distance on her sister's phone….i told her that I loved her and she said "I love you too".

Mate, I don't know if you were looking for comments or merely getting your thoughts out but I have to go with the old cost benefit view:

1) She's relied on you for years, and wants to break up

2) She doesn't want a relationship (with you) -- I guarantee you that if this other guy she did it with games her right, she'll move to Maui if he wants her to.

3) Shes confused (girl talk for "I don't like you but I want an option on you"

4) She toyed with you in her confusion for months

5) Her language is the language of powerlessness ("i'm going through a huge transition in my life and i need to grow and figure out how to make myself happy"). A straight person would just say "I'm not into you anymore."

The rest of her comments are just preserving her fan club.

Don't hate her, just move on. Work out, find other girls, do whatever. Forget about her as much as possible. Frankly, after all those years together, she won't let you lick her finger b/c its too sexual but she'll do another guy? And her defense is that it was a one time thing?

Classy, and gosh, does she value all that time you spent together.

Thank you Cecelius for your input. I know the cards seem stacked against me, but in a situation like this, I feel I must go with my heart.

I have moved on and I am now dating other women. Maybe one will come by and sweep me off my feet and cause me to see my ex relationship for what it might be.

Let me address your five points:

1. She did rely on me for a good period of time. This opportunity for her to live on her own has been her first opportunity ever in her life. She has been in long term relationships all of her adult life and I am the only one she ever wanted to marry (I should have asked her in scottland last april because she was expecting me to). I can't deny her something she has never done if she truly wants to grow and focus on her while she tackles the biggest career move in her life. She is stubborn, but she is also very bright. If I love her, I will support her as best as I can.

2. she does not want a relationship with anyone. The guy she was with was after a night of drinking and she was distraught about my telling her I was 100% out of her life for good. I do not fault her for that. Again, she told me that she made it clear she was not looking for a relationship, but to just get her rocks off…hey, we are all human that way…girls are no different…..the guy was from out of town anyway.

3. sure she is confused. We spent three years together and it was great…but, we had a three month slide were we both questioned the relationship….she does not want to make a mistake…when she is not so focused on her program anymore, will some of those issues worked themselves out? If I stick with it and support her in her time of need, she will have faith that I have the relationship stamina necessary to make it work. When the program is done in a year or even at the 3 month point when she is not in the "weeding out" part of the program, she will be able to breath again…maybe begin to put some energy into our relationship again.

4. the toying for months is questionable mate…..since august I was given many opportunities to keep her, but due to the stress of it all and my inability to refocus on the job at hand and not on losing her, I botched it up….the emotions we both went through during the period of her deciding to move, to deciding to work it out, to moving again because things got weird, then our decision to break up has been incredible….i told her I wanted to break up…honestly, I am where I am because I broke up with her.

5. you know what? If she truly wanted to follow the statement that she needs to "figure out how to make myself happy" she would have pushed me away long ago…I make her happy and she makes me happy. We still love each other, she is plain scared to death that if she gets as emotionally drained with me as she was in that last three months of our relationship, it could cause her to do poorly in the program and possibly lose a scholarship, a job and ultimately a career…..we all know that self preservation and success in a career is more important then a relationship you know requires 100% to work past some issues….if we were not having issues as I described in the first post, she would be living with me still and all would be good….she just got cold feet and felt it was better to take care of herself first…admirable to me.

I do work out three times a week, I am dating other girls….my goal is just to work this out with her somehow…..can I do it?

I think if I can stay away from the us conversations for a while and not make her uncomfortable and be there as a friend while she goes through the toughest thing of her life, when she finally becomes comfortable with her success and sees that I was there with her and grew with her, we will have the basis for a much stronger relationship then we could have ever wanted.

over the holidays i watched the cats for my ex while she was up north with her family. during that time i wanted to decorate one of her rooms with the things she already had....she always liked my taste, so i went ahead and did it for her....i did add to it a bit with a piece or two from a second hand store. the room is probably the nicest in the apartment

we talked every day while she as gone. on the afternoon of xmas eve she told me she opened her gift from me (the one i sent to her sister way back) and she wondered since it was so personal, why i didn't give it to her in person. i told her, i didn't know if i was ever going to see you again when i did send it. she told me how much she liked it and was very surprised with how thoughtful each of the gifts were. i told her then that it is not hard to by toughtful gifts when someone is on your mind.

on the day after xmas when she returned, i did not get a call from her yet to let me know she returned to chicago, so i called her apartment to make sure i was not supposed to feed the cats another night. she told me she was waiting for an opportunity to talk without all the distractions from her sister, dad, and stepmom who were there to help her set up the things she got on xmas. i told her that i missed her and she told me she missed me as well. she stated that she would like me to come over and see what she got for the apartment and if i could maybe help her out with something her dad could not do. she is to call me today after noon.

p.s. there was a note on the counter when i arrived to take care of the cats a few days ago. she basically wrote that i should not worry about her being with someone else (the one nighter in november i learned about recently). she wrote that we are just two good people who love and respect and care for each other who are basically trying to get through a crappy situation.

in the meantime, i met someone that is very nice (am i dating three women now?) and we spent the whole day together. no sex.

i started to see the couples counselor again that my ex and i saw when all of this started going down in august. (we never seemed to get what we really needed from counseling because we seemed to be too busy dealing with how weird everything was getting, instead of dealing with the issues that got us to that point in the first place).

i explained all to her and we basically favor sticking it out to see if it will ever work, within reason - like 6 months i need to reevaluate where we are).

i will be there with her as she goes through the program and continue to show her i love with through my actions and friendship. First, if we do not have committment at any level to eachother, we both take the chance that one of us will meet someone and we would lose what we have and could of had. Second, if we continue with friendship and neither of us meet someone, the timing may fall in our favor and the relationship will continue again.

that is all i can do if i do not want to take what i consider the low road, which is no contact. i must trust her judgement that she does not or cannot deal with a relationship until she has her feet on the ground. what kind of relationship can i hope to have with her if i don't trust her now.

now, if one of us meet someone (and both cases would be different depending who meets who) something will change. if i meet someone, i will continue with my ex until i see the new relationship as more special then with my ex. if she meets someone over the next year, i pretty much employ no contact rule because that is probably the only way i could survive a decision like that from her, especially since it means that this whole time i was being led on.

Funny thing. we talked and it was great. she even called me honey...i used to hate it that she called me honey alot when we met and did not use my name, but now i love it and miss it.

i did ask her if she was going to our friends for new years and she quickly said (with quick cadence) "why?, do you want to bring someone?" the answer was yes and no on that (in my head) because if she was not going, i would ask someone to go, but i did not ask her because i did want someone to go other than her. understand? anyway, i told her no, i am asking because i want to know if you are going since i want you to go. i would love to spend the new year with you. i also told her i didn't want to talk about other people other then us anymore and that she was the "woman in my life"....something she says to me is that i am the "man in her life". see my angle?.....if i meet someone, i meet someone and they would have to be very special, but until then if ever, my ex is the woman in my life until i learn i am just blind to something that is not going to happen (we get back together).

anyhow, i ended our conversation about the last weekend and asked her if she wanted me to come over tonight and she told me yes, i want you to see what i got and give you a gift, and watch a movie on her new dvd player and eat some liver patae (sp) her mother in law made for me.

i purposely kept my question general, "do you want me to come over tonight" instead of stating the obvious...that way she had to tell me yes, i do want you to come over.....wish me luck!!!!

the evening started out well. she showed me the things she got and even gave me a small gift. it was good, then we watched this movie about this couple who was engaged, but wanted to sleep with other people before the wedding. that was not a good idea i think.

anyway, i left after the movie ended with a hug. i called her when i got home and "wham!" the conversation we never want and now she does not want to go to the same place i am at over new years because we may cause a scene somehow...one of the things i remember most is that she told me, i want the old confident, happy with his job and everything guy i met. in other words, i am still coming accross as someone who is lost in her and us.

i don't know what to do now. maybe just not call her....she starts her program monday....the program i wanted to be there for her for.....she needs me in her life know without the questions of future and i need her in my life with more of a sense that we are working toward a future...that is really the bottom line....this is truly a low point for me and i don't know what to do anymore....i surely can't give her the guy she knew unless i get away from her and get her out of my head and i can't do that when i am spending time with her....as much as i do not want to do it, i think i am going to have to employ the no contact rule for a while even though it will be bad for her and possibly our relationship....i need to stop playing games with her too by saying one minute i want to be there for her and the next saying i can't do and stay sane.....

god, i hate the highs and lows so close together!

i feel the same about how i have been with my ex...one moment wanting to be there for him and the next feeling like i can't do it. he was the same way with me and felt horribly about it, thus, the breakup.

ultimately she knows that you will have oscillating feelings about this...

but you do need to try to be that guy again--but just do it for yourself.

It is soooooooooooooooooooo hard!

i know! but you can do it...

you wouldn't believe it, but on the way home from work today, i felt compelled to call her and convince her that she should go to the new years eve party. she listened and i did my best to remind her we always did well in groups together since the breakup. she really should be with the people that love her i said and it is the last chance she has to break lose before her program starts next week.

she said she would sleep on it and call me today. she told me things with her scholarship and other things were not working out as she thought they would and that all hit her yesterday. of course i asked her if she needed anything and she told me no that she would figure it out. she did tell me she just wants to crawl into a hole....stuff like that makes me want to run over there and hug her and let her know i am there for her.

she wanted to think about going to the new years eve party because she worries about what she is doing to me. i feel that it is the last chance to have fun (without brining us into play) until she clams up into her program that starts monday. i know that i will not play the us card at all anymore while she is in the program, because i know it would be exactly what she does not want or could handle and may cause her to shut me out completely and also, i will not put that pressure onto her....i am just that way...i did what i could before she entered the program, but now it is time to layoff indefinitely.

i spoke with a friend as well last night. he totally understood my blight and gave me some terrific advice. it was incredible that he understood my feelings and described how i was feeling with such clarity...he even said, i know something like this is the most difficult thing you have ever been through and he is right. he told me that my plan to just be there for her and treat her like a relative or be her friend until she comes around is nearly or is impossible and i told him that i have been trying it, but it seems the breakdown on my end is cyclical where i try to convince her we should be closer or try to get from her some kind plan for the future for us....he said it is now time for you to back off because now the great things that i am doing for her and my grief are beginning to make her feel guilty and may be causing her to push me away more...it is time that i step back and let her come to me and if she does, not to stop everything i am doing to be with her. she needs to see (and not in a spiteful way) the value of having me in her life, because since the day she moved out, i have been there like a rock for her. how is she going to pine for me or us if she has me no matter what. in addition, this whole ordeal, and he said he can see it and hear it in my voice, is tearing me apart and my attempts to be there for her are now detrimental to my well being....he also told me it is time for me to start preparing myself for the worst like us not getting back together or her meeting someone. if i step back, change my routine, refocus on myself, and prepare myself for her being out of my life, i will best survive this.

he was also right about how it felt to be with other women and how none of them seem to match up. he said it is normal even though they may even be better in some ways and that is why i should not get into a relationship, but just date. The guy is wise and i hope to do my best to follow his sound advice. i will be changing my routine with improv once a week and maybe even meet and hang with a new group of people for a while...it is good that it starts at the same time she starts her program...

my last email to her before she makes her decision to go to new years:

well, we spoke for about an hour last night on the phone....it was great and awsome. she will be going to spend new years eve with us all and we are even going to hang out tonight.

now, if you read the email i sent her above, you will know that i can't screw up and bring up us ever again in the foreseeable future.....other wise i go against my word and a man is only as good as his word.

Man, she just asked me for a bridge loan. about 300....i know she is good for it.....

Well, my ex and i went to the new years party.

the night started with a call from her to help her pick out an outfit. i showed and i liked what she had on and told her that she looked great and should keep it.

we then went to my place for drinks and to meet my brother. she had a headache (i noticed it was that time of the month for her when i used her bathroom).

we then took off for the party. it was all good until this guy charles showed who used to date my ex's cousin and has been after her at my birthday party and now the new years eve party. they spent a bunch of time talking on the couches. i even began to feel like i was hovering when i walked in on them or by them....what a sucky feeling.

anyway, my friends mostly saw that as her moving on, but she told me he was someone she was talking to and it did not mean she was doing anything more. i do the same thing she said, why should it be anything different when she talks to a guy.

by the end of the night, i was ready to just walk up to her and say good night and leave. when i walked up to her and said, "i am going" and motioned to the spot charles was sitting in a way that said "and you can leave with him" she grabbed my arm and said sit down, i am her with you and for you.....I wonder if she exchanged phone numbers.

we later tried to get a cab, but without luck we both crashed on my friends extra bed. in the morning, i still did not have my keys back from my brother, so i stayed at my ex's and slept more there....by about 5pm, she woke me up and asked if i wanted to order a pizza and watch a movie....we did....i even gave her a foot rub....after the movie, i left.

she came by the next day to borrow my car (sunday) and later i went with friends (same at party) to a movie. i found out that my ex said that she felt i "practically forced" her to go to the party. I called her before the movie and asked her about it....she said she was drinking and that she does not know the context of the comment and asked who told me. she also said that people were asking her some tough questions and she started to feel pushed into a corner.....

i later called her after the movie to apologize for what she called "dropping a bomb" on her....she reaffirmed too what she told me on christmas eve when we got into it that she does not see us getting back together and that i should stop thinking there is hope....then she says something like there is "practically" no hope....which is hope, no matter how small that practically is.....she asked me if she can still call me tonight after class to tell me about her first day at nursing school...i said that she better..

as it stands now, she has given me her extra keys. i have some baseballs to sell on ebay for her mom. she owes me $300 at the end of the month....and even though she does not want me to think we will get back together, she lets me know how much we both care for each other, which we do...i even told her that i don't want to pull back my friendship and make her think just because there is (practically) no hope we will not be back togther is the only reason i am there....we are friends, but i am hurting probably more then her.

now i am a bit lost. what do i do when she starts dating charles or someone else? she said she does not want a relationship right now, but i am guessing the right person could make her change her mind.

what to do now? do i try to clean up our business together and cut ties? if she starts dating, do i cut ties then? this is really hard for me.

my ex contacted me shortly after she got home from her first day in nursing school. she asked me where i was and said she was making a certain meal i liked and that i could comeover for some.

i stopped by and she showed me what was cooking (this is one of the meals she makes that she knows i like and she likes as well - she used to look for my approval on her cooking and at times i think i was too harsh...lesson learned....lie about her cooking and learn to like it because she is going to feel good if she went through the trouble and you like it.)

she showed me the books and homework she had to do....she even told me she had so much, that she would not be able to attend a xmas party at the resturant she worked at....we started talking about the $300 check she gave me for deposit and i hoped on her computer quick to check it...several windows where open, so i started to shrink them to get to a clean web page...she hoped on my lap all of a sudden (blocking my view) and said "wait a minute" "this is my computer and there are personal things up on it"....her email was open...i immediately thought about all the boys or (the guy from the b-day party and new years) emailing her. which leads me to think she may go on dates over the weekend...etc...how painful . i kept it to myself.

when the food was ready, we sat in the tv room and ate while watching everybody loves ramond....we laughed and enjoyed the meal....she told me i had to go shortly after eating because she had to study for 2 hours before csi came on at 9p.m. i told her i would be watching it at home too and she laughed and said "you are watching the same shows as me." (as if i was copying her) but i reminded her that we both watched the shows when we were in the old place and she did not work at night...

when i finished, i gathered my things...got a hug and even sneaked a quick peck on the lips before i left.....

my email to her this morning:

thanks for dinner

 

I was going to get a massage on Thursday (only $50...she is from California and not licensed in Chicago yet), so I need to know when you will have my car back. if you take it at say 6:30...I can plan on an 8:00 pm massage.

 

also, let me know before Friday if you would like to check out estate sales on Saturday morning...there should be plenty of good ones to go to since there has been none over the holiday.

 

p.s.i was not trying to see your email, but i am sure you have plenty of boys writing you.

last night i could not sleep because i was obsessed about her being with someone other then me.....the jump on my lap to keep me from seeing her emails set this off...

I read some of your e-mails and posts. My situation is almost like yours..but she is almost done at the Nursing school. How about if you just let her go... If she really want you, she knows how to find you. Move on..I still keep in touch with my ex, but I am not expecting anything. No hard feeling...Let her go and free yourself. I know how emotions take over sometimes.... I hope things are black and white. Either she is with me or not... All I know is at this time she does not want to be with me... I can not wait around for her to graduate or be a backup guy..If she contact me in the future, I will make a better desion then.. Good Luck

Hi I just read the last two pages of your posts. Brace yourself because you are probably not going to like what I have to say.

You are torturing yourself slowly. How are you going to move on if you are in constant contact with this woman? You are intimate with her (i don't mean sexually but emotionally) and this must be slowly killing you inside.

She has told you that there is prcatically no chance. Are you going to hang around for that faint glimmer of hope that she might possibly get back with you? She will not respect you if you hang around hoping for this. In her eyes she will see you as her nice doggy that follows her around with puppy dog eyes, hanging on her every word, hoping for any attention it can get.

Wake up to yourself. She doesn't want a man like this, it is, sexually speaking, repulsive. She will feel only pity for you not attraction. She is going to want a strong man who can live independent of her and who will not settle for second best.

The best thing you can do is get your money back and then do no contact. Don't tell her you are doing it, she is NOT your ally anymore. You can not trust her anymore, you must detach yourself from her. Start going to the gym and rediscovering your hobbies.

When she hears that you are getting your act together, she will no doubt get curious and this is when that "practically" no chance will turn into a bigger chance, of you guys getting back together will eventuate.

Im sorry if my words seem harsh. Don't torture yourself man, love youself and treat yourself right.

Good luck.

i am making an asssss of myself, but just hearing her voice seems to make it all worth it for some reason....boy, i have lost all sense of self esteem...

I know exactly what you mean, and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone at all. I want to get my ex back too... I feel like I'm making an a** out of myself holding onto that hope that he'll turn around and change his mind. But I can't help it either. Just talking to him, hearing his voice, seeing his picture... it makes it all worth it, even though I still don't have him.

I've lost all sense of self-esteem too... all I ask of you is to try (as I am trying) to let go.... I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but I think we both have to at least try, for our sanity and self-respect... and also, to gain the respect of our exes.

Good luck!!

I don't believe that you cannot help the things you are doing, you can help them and you should help yourself if you love yourself.

If you have no respect for yourself then you can't expect anyone else to have respect for you either.

But it is up to you. Your choice. But I don't think you can blame anyone else for the mess you are in, because it is you who are putting yourself in the situation.

my email to her after calling her yesterday morning to see if she needed a ride to the bus since the weather was so bad. when i called she said that it is a thing she was able to sleep in that day...i felt like a boob.:

i will refrain from the morning calls....

 

i don't know what is getting into me. it must be the whole charles thing

her message later on my work phone when she returned from class around 4:30 or later..i was downtown and did not get it..till this morning...so, she may think i did not call or just did not get it, who knows...?...i don't know if she is responding to my email or just calling in general to let me know she was not upset.....she surely did not mention the other issue...her and charles if there is such a thing happening....

hey its me, um, i am not sure if i caught you while you are still at work, but i just wanted you to know that im not angry about this morning (little laugh) um, i know you had no idea that i could sleep in today. actually i was planning on getting up shortly after you called anyway. so, um. i just wanted you to know that. thats pretty much it. um, i think your supposed to go out with duane tonight or is that tomorrow, i dont know, i cant remember. or maybe you start improv one of these nights. maybe tonight. so i hope you enjoy yourself! and give me a call when you can. i am on my way to a doctor appointment right now, but i will be back in an hour or so. ok? bye.

i got this call today, the next day, so i did not call her....i was not planning to call her unless she called me and i answered. now i have an opening and reason to call that is nagging at me.....do i call tonight?

i am going to my session with the counselor that spent some time with us both when we were together right before we broke up....i am seeing her again because i can and i thought it might be a good idea...free anyway...i was considering asking her if i should temporarily go on meds to get me out of the obsession, anxiety, and or depression that seems to come and go lately.

after that i am going to dinner with my male friend (a mutual friend of ours, but mine first) who is going to basically kick my buttand pull an intervention with me and how i am handling my ex....

in the meantime....i am trying to decide if i should try to sell all of her mom's b-balls like a pomissed (all or just enough to get my money back from having them authenticated)....before the end of the month when she is supposed to give me my $300 she owes me (she gets her student loan then)....this will give us both no material connection anymore.....

at that time, do i just let her call me and not call her anymore...if she calls do i return it or answer? do i ask about her and any relationships she may be starting even though she told me she does not want a relationship with anyone right now? do i trust this? do i tell her i can't do it anymore (be her friend) knowing i would only watch her slip into someone else's arms and that it would be much to painful for me?

I know what you think Kate:

The best thing you can do is get your money back and then do no contact. Don't tell her you are doing it, she is NOT your ally anymore. You can not trust her anymore, you must detach yourself from her. Start going to the gym and rediscovering your hobbies.

I've lost all sense of self-esteem too... all I ask of you is to try (as I am trying) to let go.... I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but I think we both have to at least try, for our sanity and self-respect... and also, to gain the respect of our exes.

thank you clodhopper.