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thanks kate......



i believe that is what i plan to do.......


i just made a list of ways i feel i benefit from having her in my life and how she benefits from having me in her life and basically she gets everything and all i get is hope and opportunity for pain....


i really only wanted to be a stand up guy and be a friend, but ultimately to still be in love with her and watch her move on or meet someone new is just way too much for anyone to stand.....


i will finalize what i plan to do tonight...


she just called by the way...i asked who it was because i did not recognize the number and she evidently lost her keys...i have her extra set....i need to get rid of them too...once i told her i could not help her i was quick to get off the phone with no small talk....but then again, when she gets in situations like that she is only focused on the problem and small talk would not have been an option.....

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Thank you to all who have listened and provided support.


last night i had to go to my ex and give her an ultimatum. either we are friends and get through your nursing program together without either of us dating or i must take myself out of the situation because i cannot be so close and watch her become involved in someone elses life because it would tear apart my soul.


she did not feel it was fair that i put that decision on her so i stood up and said, "fine, then i will need to make the decision" which was not to stay in the situation anymore. i told her i could not be her friend. i wish i could have added "until time heals" but i did not say it...i just told her that i could not be her friend...


it kills me inside that i will not be in contact with her again.


she wrote this email that i got this morning:





this by the way, is the longest email or message i have received from her in many, many months...


i guess in a way it is a burden lifted from my shoulders, but as it lifted it took away part of me. now, i must heal my wound and move on in life with my head up and feet firmly planted on the ground.


thank you to all who have supported me during this.......and as much as it tears me apart to end it with something she always told me, i will...."who knows what the future will bring?"



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You can tell by your ex's reaction that she knows in her heart that your separation is for the best but that she didn't have the heart to tell you. She seems like a nice person, which is going to make it that much harder to get over.


But you can do it.


Make sure that you do not contact her for at least a month, if not longer.


If I was you I would get rid of all reminders of her from your life, or put them away so that you wont see them.


Put her phone number away in a box somewhere or else give it to a trusted friend so that you resist the urge.


Start a new exercise program. Yes really.


You will get through this. I know you can. Just a day at a time.


Good luck and let me know how it is going.

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Okay, this is what i am doing:


1) keeping very busy:

a. paint apartment..(i want to start today)

b. taking yoga one day a week..(sundays)

c. taking improv one day a week...(wednesdays)

d. spending whatever time i can with friends...especially on weekends..

e. trying to meet new people

f. working out three days a week at lunch hour

g. i'm trying to take some time off for a short and long vacation soon 8) .


2) most get rid of reminders of her and store them (although it hurts ):

a. my watch.

b. her pictures on my fridge and wall

c. i have her business card in my wallet that i carried for over 3 years

d. erase her number from my phone

e. her lamp i like that she gave me for a b-day

f. the leather jacket of her stepfather's

g. her mom's stuff that is on ebay right now.

h. her files on my computer

i. This is really hard because sooooo much reminds me of her

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You are doing really well. Those sound like great ideas.


In the beginning EVERYTHING will remind you of her.


But just put away all the really obvious things. I personally just put everything into a box and then chucked it on the top of my wardrobe. I also gave his number to a trusted friend so that if the need came I could call but i would have to explain why to my friend. This made it easier to resist in those weak/drunk moments when calling them is ALWAYS regretable.


If your girlfriend wants you back, she always knows how to reach you, right? Until then you have your own life to reclaim. You need to make your own identity now, a new improved one.


Good luck.

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yesterday was tough and so is today.....i felt very needy and decided to go out drinking.....i guess i am listening to too many hank william jr. songs....trying to drown my sorrows with drinking...


tonight is laundry...maybe i can buy that book i wanted and start reading it....


wednesday is improv and thursday i am getting together with a friend...



got to fill the time!!!!

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What happened to me?


Some of it is contained in my posts here on enotalone. You could even give me advice if you like on my thread contained in "exgirlfriends/exboyfriends" section called "unwelcome and confusing visit". But for a quick recap:


Boyfriend of 2 years went far away for work and i waited many months for him to come back but then discovered he had another girlfriend over there.


I kicked him out and did no contact. He imported the other girl into my suburb and lived with her there.


My situation was different in that my ex did wrong by me so it was easier to justify shutting him out through no contact than in your sitaution where your ex is actually a nice person.


But you still must do no contact, even if she is a good person.


However mine was also hard in many ways as well. I had to deal with the betrayal and felt a loss because i had waited for him for nothing.


But anyways, the long and short of it is that it doesn't matter how and why the break ups in both our cases occurred the stages of recovery are the same. so here is what I did:


1. no contact. Hid phone numbers and stuff that reminded me.

2. Tried to go out more.

3. Spoiled myself with a new haircut and clothes.

4. Exercise.

5. Got a new boyfriend who I am still with and whom i am now in love with.

6. Read many many self help books.

7. Got drunk a bit (i am not advising it but it took away the pain for awhile).

8. Waited (time is a great healer).


I will tell you more as i think of them.


You will get over this, trust me. I am perfectly happy now and I only really go on these boards to help people I don't really have any romantic problems anymore. You will be like this in time too.


Just hang in there and learn to love yourself. Sounds corny I know but rediscover and spoil yourself. Try to enjoy your freedom, meet people.

All the best

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"Thank you to all who have listened and provided support.


last night i had to go to my ex and give her an ultimatum. either we are friends and get through your nursing program together without either of us dating or i must take myself out of the situation because i cannot be so close and watch her become involved in someone elses life because it would tear apart my soul.


she did not feel it was fair that i put that decision on her so i stood up and said, "fine, then i will need to make the decision" which was not to stay in the situation anymore. i told her i could not be her friend. i wish i could have added "until time heals" but i did not say it...i just told her that i could not be her friend..."



STICK TO THIS ATTITUDE! keep up your life, but take her out of your mind while youre doing these new activities otherwise Yoga & improv classes are gonna remind you OF HER & not distract you from her like it should.


i read thru some of your story. my last piece of advice is: stop thinking so much. this chick is NOT gonna be the end of your world. trust me on that one ok. a few months down the line youre gonna be like: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!


take care of yourself & let your ex be your past.



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stop thinking so much. this chick is NOT gonna be the end of your world. trust me on that one ok. a few months down the line youre gonna be like: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!


I should stop thinking so much....my problem in the recent past was that i was in a phase where i kept rehashing, trying to figure out where and how it all went wrong.....if i could only find the weak link, i may be able to weather the storm, unfortunately, the boat already sank and all i had was a piece of drift wood.


You will get over this, trust me. I am perfectly happy now

I was offered an opportunity last night to go on one of these "fast" dates for free, so instead of laundry, i figured "who knows" maybe i will meet someone.


well, i met this girl named laura who was in a different age group and we hit it off at the break....we spent time after having something to eat and a couple of drinks....i like her and she is very cute. just my type...she took my number and told me should would call.....i think she will....what is nice, is that she lives in another neighborhood, so if we started to date, i would definitely change my suroundings....i will keep you all informed...


i feel good about this girl, because she is the first i was with where i didn't even think about my ex.....

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Today will be a week without contact. I must say it is much easier for me when i am not seeing, talking, hanging with her.


I have some things that will need to go to her and I am recruiting a friend to do it for me, so i do not have to see her.


The girl i met two days ago called. I did not have a chance to talk with her long, but i will call tonight.


Things are getting better for now. No major pains.....



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The 20th will be two full weeks without contact. The longest I have ever gone without speaking with her or communicating in any way. I guess i am getting kind of anxious because we still have some unfinished business. I sold some of her mom's signed baseballs (because i said i would and i wanted to keep my word), but i can send the check directly to her mom. But i still have the things i did not sell to give back...maybe my brother can deliver it to her for me....


also, she owes me a $330 check and maybe my brother can get that at the same time...or maybe she will mail it.....


should i have him call her and lay this out and make it happen, or should i email her and set it up...i really don't want to see any emails from her or have any communication....it would make me too weak i think.....


Tonight i am having a drink with a female friend from my work circle....she is single again.....also i am busy again every day this week...to include seeing laura again on friday.....


Laura and i had a great night together and she even stayed over...no fooling around, i was a total gentleman.....she stayed in my bed and i slept on the couch....she cuddled with me a little on the couch in the morning.....it was nice...



I still find myself thinking about my ex at night while in bed....

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yuck!!!! i can't get her out of my mind!.....how is she taking my not being there? Does she care? is she so busy she does not have time to think about my absense? why should i care about any of this?? this is all coming into play with my head know because when i am done with returning all this month, i will be 100% free of ties that are material....


this sucks!

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You are doing so so well.


I think it is admirable that you are honest enough with yourself to be able tell that ANY contact with her, be it email or whatever, would set you back in your progress.


I think you are wise to get your brother to do all communicating with her, tying up loose ends etc.


I would say that at this point she feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders now that you have gone. She probably feels less pressure and guilt. She probably occasionally misses you but she is probably relieved that she will have to see you again at some point because of the balls and of the money she owes you. In other words these things give her the stepping stone and security blanket that she COULD come back if she wants.


Don't worry, after these things have been finalised, wait a few weeks and it will dawn on her that it is OVER, she has no reason to call you and she will have the uncertainty of not knowing what you are doing. Then she will start to miss you more and may have doubts about her decision.


It is important that you keep dating other people. Even if you are thinking of her at night, still date others but don't lead them on, don't talk about the ex just tell them you want to take things really slow.


Another thing. EXERCISE. I have only just started to do this and it is hard and it sux but it really does lift one's mood and make one feel ok again. It gives you something to work towards.


Good luck

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hey kate,


i really appreciate your posts.


lately, the last few days, it has been difficult. i seem to be going in and out of my thoughts of her. some thoughts are how i was a fool not to let go when she first moved from my apartment. some thoughts are focused on the good and all those reasons i did not want to let go, to include her comments that gave me hope and kept the candle lit. "who knows what the future will hold." she would always say.


as i said, i have a few things from her that i would like to get your opinion on as to what i should do with them.


first is a business card in my wallet that i carried since the day we met. it has writing on it from her and is generally just as sentimental as a picture. second is a vintage leather jacket that belonged to her stepfather who she was very close to. i did not get this jacket until after we started talking marriage. third, what about all my pictures? they are still memories of my life. do i just erase that part of me?


the other things, the money i owe her mom from the things i sold on ebay for her will go directly to the mom in the mail and the items that did not sell will go to the ex via my brother.


your thoughts on this kate.

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I shall answer you here on the public forum just in case there are others who are following this thread and could use the advice.


If there is anything private that you want me to give you advice on please feel free to pm me.


I think all of those possessions which remind you of your ex need to be put into a big cardboard box, stickytaped up and labelled "do not open for 6 months" and them stored away in the back of a cupboard or with your brother so that you cannot see them.


Basically the idea is to temporarily get rid of all reminders to help you move forwad as an individual and not dwell on the past.


I do not think you need to throw these things away. No doubt, they remind you of good times and in times to come (ie when the pain has dulled) you will no doubt want to see them again.


But you do not want to be reminded of the good times right now. You want to create your own good times.


I can remember feeling up and down like you do now. It will be like this for awhile. A rollercoaster, some days good others horrible. Just go with it and be strong and the pain WILL go away.


You are handling things very well.


Don't forget to exercise.

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today is week two. i have been doing my best keeping busy and working out....still need to get the yoga in....but i am having issues....thinking hard about her.....oh, the sorrow....



i hope to start yoga on monday or even sunday morning....my friend told me since she has been doing it almost daily, people can see the changes in her physically and mentally...

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i checked an old email account and found an email from friendster that my ex had accepted my "be a friend" invite. she had done it back on the 1st of december. she joined in july of 2004 when we were in a relationship (it is in her profile). Suddle reminders like these are killer. I even went ahead and submited a friendster testimonial....


NOW......I am a basket case!!!! It was an indirect communication, totally messing up my no contact.....f______!!!!! i am really a fool. Now i am going to be wondering ... will she accept it or take the time to do it?

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I sat down with my boss and told her how i was feeling.....she laid it out and told me how i might be jumping into relationships too fast and that these women will run the other way when the figure out where i am and why. "you can't be your ex's friend right now either and might not be able to be her friend for a year or more when you no longer have feelings for her", she said.


I guess i just needed to hear it again, since i seemed to be in a funk....i feel a bit better for getting it off my chest.....it just saddens me so much to miss her and shun her....she was my life....does she miss me? i think so, but she is so consumed with her life right now trying to get to a different place (career) that it is easier for her to get through this...me on the other hand, have everything i need, but that great girl...she was my great girl.....

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Stop being a slacker with the yoga. Do it once and see how you feel afterwards. Personally I infd half an hour of cardio exercise does the trick for me. Just make sure you start soe kind of exercise routine.


Your boss is telling you the same thing as me. You can't be friends with her.


Rest assured, she KNOWS that you are not shunning her. She realises what you are doing is something you need to do for your own self preservation. She knows how to find you if she suddenly has doubts about her decision to break up with you.


It is normal for you to feel down from time to time. It will get better, id estimate after about a month before you even start to have an ok day, but who knows, everyone is different.


So she is a great girl. But not great enough to fully appreciate you. Have faith in yourself. You will find someone who wants to be with you and Id like to hear about you meeting someone who does some chasing of you for a change. Wouldn't that be nice? eh?


What happened to that Laura girl by the way? I hope you are keeping up contact with her.


As for this friendster stuff, im sorry but i don't understand. Is this an American thing? If it is some invitation that she accepted ages ago than I would send her a BRIEF email asking her if she would mind if you went alone, you hope she understands etc. Im just warning you (you may have to learn the hard way though that seeing her will really upset you at this point in your progress.


Better to bring the new girl Laura. This will help to distract you.


How is the returning stuff going. To be honest I only believe that no contact between you guys will only really start when you have no reason to call one another or loose ends to deal with.


Hang in there.

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Hey Kate.


i tried to get the yoga in yesterday and due to a snow storm and my not knowing the exact location i missed it....i still work out at noon three times a week...cardio mostly


Laura and i hung out last night. she was in the area and i cleared my plans to have her come over and watch a movie with me...we fulled around for the first time this morning. But, i think that i am still comparing everyone to my ex which is causing me distraction when i am with someone else sexually. it may be too early for me yet and she may get hurt. I don't know...she kind of knows my situation and my issues...


Friendster (link removed) is a web community in a way....it is all just on the web....there are four people on mine right now as first level friends and she is one of them...we know the others together....she did accept my "testimonial" which know shows up on her page....This is what i wrote and she accepted it last thursday:


T... is the most incredible girl i ever met

on this planet. She has it all going for

her. She has two great cats (harry and

alley) who keep her happy and safe.

T... has great style and is so smart. I

truly look forward to the day that we can

start a new friendship. Some day.


it is not an event....i don't see my ex going much of anywhere right now with school and the program she is in...until maybe march.


i will have my brother contact her next week about the returning of things. if she has the $300 she owes me, i will make the switch...that should happen by the end of the month.


Thanks much Kate.....my ex chased me from the beginning and it hurt when she stopped. but i know, to have that again with a girl i really dig will be something special....

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