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You are doing well. I am so glad you are doing cardio three times a week. It does work to lift the spirit doesn't it?


Everything you are doing is excellent. Good on you.


As for this Laura girl. You have every right to hang out with her. Out of respect for Laura, i would tell her something which lets her know the situation a little bit (but no gory details please). Something along the lines of, that you are hurting and want to take things slow, get to know her, hang out before you can commit to being her boyfriend.


Don't sleep with her, or get too intimate with her, if you can't commit to her though, as i believe this will end up hurting her too much.

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So much has been going through my head about my ex. So many questions. we are entering our third week of no contact.


Does she miss me? Does she think about me?

Has she closed the door?

What is her life like right now?

Is she finding all new friends and things to do?

Is she having any fun on the weekends?

Is she sleeping with anyone or has she met anyone?

Does she totally want to forget about me and the life we had or still share friend wise?


Will i break down and call her? If i do, will she be totally into her own life now that she sees me as the past and old hat? would i come accross as weak and unattractive if i called?


I should have never told her i wanted to breakup. it was mutual at the end, but i really did not want it. things just seemed to be going wrong...was it because she did not care anymore? was it because she did not want to have a relationship or one with me anymore? when did she officially fall out of love with me?




I went and visited the cat i will be adopting in two weeks. i will be doing yoga tonight. had a massage last night. improv class wednesday night and maybe yoga again thursday night....ARRRGGGGGH.....i had to yell in my car today....staying away from coffee and cigarettes and not even alcohol this weekend to help rid my self of the anxiety i have been feeling.

I will have my brother contact her this week to close the material possession issue.


Lord, please help me to recapture my life. please help me to appreciate and have drive again for family and work. please give me the strength i desperately need move forward and love again. please take away the ghosts of the past that remain in my memory.

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My newest problem.


what to do?


our best mutual friends are getting married in July. we were going to go together (we were making plans as such) to drive together, stay together, and enjoy ourselves. this happened just days before i decided to employ no contact. i am a bit confused why she would talk to me about how great it was going to be and how much fun we were going to have...this was the same day she spoke with the soon to be bride...as if she was trying to make sure i did not bring someone.


but after this no contact, she may have found or will find someone to go with by then.


So, do i just not care what happens and do my own thing when the time comes? my ex would find out if i was brining a guest and visa versa...do i break the no contact for that event and see if we can go together? July is so long from now....??????


there is an event coming up on the 19th of february....something i know she likes and it is a three day weekend...do i break contact for that and ask if she wants to go? but then,,,,i employed no contact so i could get over her and move on....this would just throw me back....what to do??what to do?? Wait a month?????


My friend's advice, which i will keep:


Probably no- for this. Too soon- you need perspective- you haven't given enough time to properly reflect.


I think you should give it time. Let her contact you. Go on your trip- get some perspective before you make any decisions. I know it is difficult.
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It sounds like you are going through a rough spot at the moment.


You are trying to make excuses to contact her (don't worry this is normal). You are making these excuses because you want to know the answer to all your questions like "does she miss me"etc.


But contacting her will not answer these questions for you. Only time and space will do that. You must have patience.


Give her time to miss you. She will, in time. But she is probably enjoying her freedom for now. Wait a while and chances are she will begin to get a little lonely.


Just be the gentleman (but not doormat) that you have always been and try to be good to yourself first and foremost and also to her.


She KNOWS how to contact you if she changes her mind. Remember that. You calling her isn't going to make her feelings for you change.


It actually works in your favour (will help you heal, or get her back) that the break up was somewhat mutual and you let her go. It means that she will view you as a reasonable and stable person, an attractive feature, don't you think.


As for the wedding. You will probably have to see her on this occasion. Do not make arrangements to go with her. Go by yourself or if you want to you can bring a date but don't try to make her jealous (this will make you look desperate and pathetic).


Make sure you look your best at the wedding (lots of exercise). Make sure you have done some interesting stuff since your break up to surprise her and to make small talk with when you feel nervous. Don't talk to her too long. Just be nice but not tooo nice, if you know what i mean.


Just do the same as what you are doing. Yoga, exercise, keep busy, go out etc. and very gradually the pain will dull and you will start developing new routines and find yourself as an individual again.

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Last night i broke down as i packed her things, pictures and last reminders in a box. i found all the old pictures of us happy and all the notes and cards from her to me promissing happiness and forever.


as i was doing this, my friend (a massage therapist from california) contacted me about going to yoga. she heard the pain in my voice and told me to come over and get out of the house.


we met at her place and took a walk and got tea at a local coffee house. we talked and i broke down some more. she had many wise things to say about her experiences and her outlook.


i told her how i put all my pictures and old cards in a bag that was going in the box back to her, but she helped me to clear my head and take those things out. "those are yours and there is no reason to send them to her unless you are trying to stir feelings in her"...she is so right, i was not thinking....so i removed the things from the box and will store them some place until they are simply nestelgic for me.


i finished with her mom's baseballs and i will be sending her a check for the amount. i really want to write a note to her mom about the breakup and all, but i do not want it to come accross the wrong way to her or to my ex when she hears about. my ex, as you may recall, sent a similar note to my sister.

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The letter i sent her mother with the check. my ex had a similar "see ya" email that went to my sister.




You know....i am employing no contact, but ultimately, if any of this works in my favor because she truly did care and love me, but had to do her thing to get through school, this could all work toward us one day reuniting, but then again, i am not holding my breath or counting on it...i will just not close and lock that door. i will, however, be moving on after i heal.

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I called my friend wendy last night and we talked about the ex and why i should not be pinning.


she brings up so many good points that i told her she should leave them all down on my phone voice mail so when i need to take the edge off, i can just listen to her again.


some of her points:


* why would you want to get back with someone that moved out on you, because if you ever got back together, it would be in the back of your mind that if things ever got rocky, she may just move again.


* she had her cake and ate it too when she was with you after she moved out of the apartment. she even admitted it to me and that is totally selfish, especially after the final breakup when you were trying to remain her friend. why would i let her walk all over me like that? her friendship?


* * the only reason that you miss her so much right now is because you are lonely....just plain lonely...you must learn to enjoy this independence and rediscover your life alone...even if you wanted to get back together with her, she would not want the needy guy who has lost all sense of respect for himself, who has lost the confidence she once admired, she wants the guy who was happy with himself without her.


my brother shot her off an email yesterday asking her to set up the meeting to exchange the money she owes for some things of hers i still have. i wonder if she is put off by the fact that i am not doing this myself. was she expecting that last opportunity to meet with me, or dreading it? maybe she is happy my brother will make the exchange?...maybe she just wants to send me the check and just hold onto the items that belong to her for however long?


who knows the answers to all of this....should i care? probably not...i should not care and then i wouldn't be thinking about it so much.

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i don't think there is a person out there that will agree with what i am going to do tonight on my way home.


i will be going to my ex's apartment and check on her. Why?


i had to call her sister to inform her of a check in the mail to her mother, who's number i do not have. it is a sizable check too for the sale of some things of hers on ebay. Anyway, her sister informed me that she was concerned for my ex because she received a grade back that was in the D range...if she does not get a B in the program, she will lose it all. her sister told me she broke down and wanted to call me but thought it would be the wrong thing to do. "she only has you and keri (our mutual friend who is tough to get ahold of) she was so depressed because of the poor grade, her sister said, that she would not return calls for a couple days....she said that she had her husband put my number in his cell phone in case of an emergency. i told her i was fine with that.


i also asked her sister something i wish i hadn't, but i thought, what the hell...i asked her if she thought that my ex was totally through with me and whether or not she closed the door on us... she said she did not think so, but that we were just both in different places in life right now...


anyhow, i called her back (in my concern?) and told her sister that i was going to check in on her tonight before my improv class. i would not have much time to talk that way. also, i told her how i used to help her study and how well she did. i am not sure what i am going to say, just sit with her if she is there and (if she lets me in) ask her how it is going. how is school and if she is getting along well. This may be a mistake. i guess it depends on what she offers in terms of information. she may be so proud she shuffles me out or she may reach out and cry on my shoulder....i don't know......



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I think you are far too kind.


By visiting her, you are putting her first. You are sacrificing your own piece of mind for hers.


You seem very kind. But try not to give in to her.


Put your own feelings first. You have to look after yourself now.


If she is failing then she has to face that alone now. If she wants the freedom of being single then she has to deal with the negative side of this as well. ie when things are tough, if you are single you are alone.


If she wants your help, she should have the balls to call you. Otherwise how do you know you are not putting yourself on the line by contacting her when she doesn't want you.


She is a big girl. You are no longer part of her life.


But, yes, that is just my view

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Well friends, this is how it went down last night.


I took off of work 30 minutes to run to the grocery store to pick up some things I knew she may need. Things like kitty litter/food (for the two cats we bought together and she now has), toilet paper….basic stuff with some of her favorite foods…things you know someone would need or use after living with them for two years…I will call all of this a care package of such.


I called her home just before I was close to her place, but she was not there (evidently getting a hair cut from our mutual friend hair dresser who started giving her free cuts - $65 value- because she was my girlfriend)..she told me he is not going to give her free cuts anymore…he must have heard we are not talking anymore…that made her sad..


I degress…..she called me back just as I was going to go to my improv class. I said hello and she said it back "hey"…"a friend has a care package for you", I said. "which friend" she responded. … (you see, I told her before the three weeks of no contact that I could not be her friend…this had to do with my other post) I said "this friend" and she said "oh". I asked her how things were because I did not want to lead on that when I called her sister about her mom's check that her sister told me anything about her school problems….she said "thing are really bad"…I then just told her I was on my way over with the care package.


I got to her apartment with all the bags and she met me at her side door. I tried to put on a happy face as best I could before she opened the door….she at first did not look at me…I could see she was upset…just waiting to break down….


We got into her apartment and I through the bags on the counter and started taking things out and I noticed she was moving in one place as if she was just waiting to hug me and cry…I kind of ignored it and continued to take things out of the bags…she was very happy with the things she saw because she needed them….i looked around as I was doing that and noticed the trash had not been taken out and the place was in a bit of a mess…one of the last things I took out were some flowers…something I would always bring home when I shopped when we lived together and something she needed to see considering her depressed or sad state…I said "flowers" "you need flowers to look at and make you happy"….she started to ball at that moment and I put them down and comforted her…I told her that she would get through it and that it was not the end of the world..(her D grade – she needs a B average not to lose her scholarship and job after the year is done) she asked me "who told you?" and I just remained silent and she did not pursue it.


After a bit of time when she stopped being upset we talked pointedly about things..i offered my assistance with her studying…I told her that I was going to go to a local coffee shop and write on my lap top and that I would call her when I do so to see if she wanted to join me and maybe I could help her study like I used to….she agreed, but I told her that I would not be calling her, but she was quick to say, "it is okay steve, I don't mind when you call"…I told her that the stress between her and I and my being unavailable would stop for now and that she could call me at anytime and if she needed help studying, I would see if I could help at the time…not being to committed to being at her beckon call…..at some point she did bring up that she is so super stressed right now (and I did not bring this up, she did) that there is absolutely no room for her and I to ever get into "us" discussions or any type of relationship arguments….i just agreed and told her it would not be a problem…that is actually when I said I would not be calling her out of the blue anymore unless it was to study at the coffee house or something special…no more daily calls and talks…the downfall of me in the past…I told her I still needed to keep the space between us, even though I wanted to do all I could to help her succeed in her stressful nursing program…she said that she did not want to be seen as taking advantage of me or that she offers me nothing right now and I told her that it was none of her concern what I do for her right now…. Anything I do for her now is out of love and genuine concern that she succeeds with school..


I left because I had to get to class and she had to study a lecture and study for a test the next day…what a work load!…on my way in my car we talked for a second about her landlord..she said, let me complain

about my landlord for a second and I listened…I started talking to her about working out and relieving some of her stress….it goes a long way to get a run in every now and then…I told her that she really needed to something more then just walking to class, etc….i will see what I can do…maybe encourage her to go for a run when the weather breaks…..


So, that is the story. I broke a three week no contact to try and alleviate some of her grief and to be there for her to talk to and feel there is someone there if she needs…I do not want any of what I do to cause her anymore stress then she already has…I will continue not calling and hanging unless it is for a real good reason (exercise or study or possibly errands with my car if she asks)…I will continue with my dating and just know that I feel better that I am not adding to her stress and that I will be there to help her get past this tough program because I really do care about her. I really do.

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If she wants your help, she should have the balls to call you.


I know you feel betrayed by what i did Kate, especially since you were so influential in my getting this far with no contact...but after her sister explained how my ex wanted to talk to me so bad, but that she respected my decision not to want to talk to her anymore more,...she put me first you see...and suffered alone....

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I don't feel betrayed. Your life is your life.


In my opinion she really has you where she wants you now. You have put yourself second to her. You are basically her emotional security slave and she will use you as a shoulder to cry on until she finds herself a more exciting man who doesn't take her crap and who as a result she respects.


You are being her friend yet you are still in love with her and when you see her it causes you more pain and prevents you from getting on with your own life. You put up with this feeling because you want to be her friend and help her when she is down. She has already stipulated "no relationship talks" and has already laid down the law that she will not get back with you. Yet she will still cry to you and pour out her heart to you IGNORING and not caring about the basic fact (which she must realise) that what she is doing is hurting you.


In my opinion that really sux. She should get some backbone and responsibility for her own life and pick up the pieces herself, not burden you (of all people) with it.


You obviously live your life in a very different way to me. Maybe it will work, who knows. It sounds like you are both pretty codependent so maybe what you are doing is right in those circumstances.


But my view it is that it is very unhealthy situation.


Goodluck anyways.

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I know i wrote that i told her that i will basically be her emotional blanket and that was a total breach of everything i am trying to do, which is repair my broken heart. Besides that, as you said, it does not help to make me any more attractive to her or to allow her to miss what she once took advantage of.


But, i will still be following no contact to the point of me not contacting her to initiate anything. sure i told her i would let her know when i may be doing something that she may benefit from, but ultimately i will not be calling her. if she calls me and wants to talk and she asks me to help her study, then so be it. i will make the decision at that time whether or not i am available.


kate, please just understand that i value her success in this program and her mental health right now more then i value winning her back....i guess i need to find a fine line so that i do not shower her with anything, but possibly assist if she asks me. i will not go out of my way for her...


on a different note, my friend's (a mutual friend of ours) fiancie talked to my ex a day ago and asked if she still thinks about me, and my ex said yes, but she is so consumed with school that she could never try to reconcile right now. he told me, however, no matter what, not to contact her for three months. he is unaware that i broke the three weeks for the above stated reason (to check with her out of concern). i will have to let him down gently or just withold the information unless more comes of it...my friend and his fiancie are getting married in july and i guess if anything is to happen between us, it may be around that time...she will be mostly through her program which will be winding down and may be open to reconiliation...who knows....i am not counting on anything.


again, i will not be contacting her.

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So she will call you and you will not call her.


That is NOT no contact, that is, rather, being at her beck and call. Lets not get the two things mixed up, because if you think you are doing no contact then you are sadly mistaken.


Now you will wait by the phone waiting for her to ring, whilst you will not be able to call her because it will seem (after what you said to her about not calling) like if you call her you will be breaking your word and she will know that you are not as good as your word and very weak.


If you are happy to be a wet rag then heck, what can i do? Some people are just like that. Maybe that is you. I don't know. This kind of behaviour is fine if you want to be her friend but not if you want to be her boyfriend.


You say that you are worried about her school more than getting her back right now.


In answer to the above statement, whilst you are very kind, that is not the issue at all. The reason why you are doing no contact is not only about getting her back. That is only a side effect which may happen if you do no contact. This is about you getting your sanity back, and recovering from your hurt and not prolonging the pain any longer. This is about you putting yourself first and saying "no" to more emotional torture.


She needs to learn how to live by herself. Not mollycoddled by you. She doesn't NEED you. You don't NEED her.


Im beginning to think that you are a masochist and like pain. If that is the case then why don't you just admit it and enjoy things as they are?

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don't hold back kate. you are correct, i sound like a wet blanket. and just because i am not experiencing all of that pain i had just last week, i am getting cucky and probably setting myself up for a fall.....


okay. i will reevaluate. in the mean time, i am going to mexico with her only other friend (a female i dated once) to the same place her and i went when we first met. if this doesn't strike a jealousy cord, i don't know what will.


Now you will wait by the phone waiting for her to ring
i hope not to be so weak as to do this....i am keeping super busy, so she would really have to have the right timing...i am even leaving town this weekend.
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Just to keep anyone following this thread up to date, here is what went on over that past weekend.


I decided to take a trip to St. Louis with a friend and got a call at around 11 a.m. from the ex while I was in the car. She told me she did not want me to think she was ignoring me regarding an email I sent to inform her I would gather some information for her regarding her landlord problem. I was not expecting any response for that. It was just an attempt to take some pressure off her as she deals with her grades right now. She probably used it as a reason to call…and talk about other things…. I won't write anything for her to use (something I may have done in the past), but I will highlight the information she needs.


Later in the day on Saturday, I, in a weak moment, called her. I told her she should be studying and not be on the phone. She told me that she was taking a study break and that she had already been studying for three hours. I asked what she had planned for the evening, and she said she was going to an art opening with our mutual friend keri. She started asking me about the new cat I am getting Friday. She seemed very excited to see it and come over on the day I get him. She also, and I found this weird, wanted me to bring him over to meet the two cats her and I got together when we were together…..why the hell would I want to do that? I thought. Then I remembered, probably foolishly, when we were in a counseling session together and she said something about me getting a cat and I said, well if we live together again, we would have three cats and that would be too many, then she said, well if we to live together again, it will be in a house we buy together. (this is the kind of crap that goes through my head). At one point in the conversation, she told me that she did not think I would ever call her again (after three weeks) and I said, that was basically the idea….but she immediately said, "don't say stuff like that!"……i also told her about her mom's check and she knew nothing of it or the note that was sent with it...she said her mom probably didn't want her to be telling her how to spend it...I wonder how she will react to the note i left with the check when she finally talks to her mom.


she either wants to be my eternal friend or still sees something in the future…..who knows…..how do I get accross to her that what I did last Wednesday (check up on her with a care package) was purely selfless because I care for her, but also that it is still too difficult for me to be her friend for all those reasons I stated before…I still love her and I do not want her to think I ready to just be her buddy and meet some guy soon that she may fall for….


Case in point that I am not ready for the buddyship is that when I checked my friendster account I saw that she put up a picture on her account. So I checked it out, but also saw that she updated her data to say that she was single…(she didn't put in that she is looking for a relationship, which is an option)..now I know that she is single, but it hit me hard that it was switched from in a relationship to single and I am a bit of a mess now….consumed I guess….again….


I can't call anymore….that is for sure…..but when she calls, it will have to be for a real good reason….like study….nothing more…but study…..the rest she can do on her own.


I dropped some tax mail that came to my place for her in her mail box.

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Square one in Phase III.....



Last night i went to a cafe to work on some things for the job. actually got plenty done. i told the ex i would go ahead and inform her of these trips to the coffee house in case she needed to study. she happened to already be at another location, but called back none the less.


I was enjoying myself alone with my work and tea and cigarette....nice people all around...plenty of eye candy....i was really enjoying myself...she then called and asked if she could get help with studying 64 drugs she needs to know for a test next week on sunday afternoon and tuesday night. i said it was ok with me if she promised to run for 20 minutes each day. she agreed.


she asked again about my new cat possibly coming on friday and mentioned she never goes out anymore on fridays and would love to come over and see him. i was very non committle.....a female friend of mine may come over also......


in the back of my head (and this is where kate that i am back to square one) i think about her saturdays and who she spends them with. our friend keri works on saturdays i thought and she said she went with her last saturday to an art showing....maybe she works late and they went where she works after for a drink which is very possible, but i should not care about that and i am embarrassed to agree with kate that i am back to square one in a way.

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I agree with what you say about maintaining control of your emotions. It may be okay the first moment you break up and it is a combined cry, but not after she has determined that getting back together is not going to happen. It makes you look ugly, weak, and very unconfident. They like the bad boy and no bad boy I know is whipped or willing to cry for anyone.


Last night she contacted me after I left a message that I was going to a coffee shop to do some work. She had just gotten back from one. She did ask that I help her study some drugs she needs to learn for a test next week…64 of them. She said Sunday and Tuesday…and I told her I was okay with that, but that she had to run before studying each time for 20 minutes if she wanted my help…..she is not exercising and I can tell it is making her a total stress ball. I was very confident in my discussion and through no prying questions out there that may have even remotely sounded like I cared where she goes or who she sees…..(I have a burning question of what she is doing this Saturday night, since that seems to be the only night she goes out.) she already told me she does not go out on Fridays anymore (she wanted to come see my new cat when I get it this Friday, but I was noncommittal on it….) I guess it would work, but really, as soon as I start having cute time with her, I am afraid I will let my guard down and possibly start asking the questions, or showing the emotions that you have already pointed out as a bad idea. I CAN'T FALL INTO THAT TRAP!!!…I don't know if I told you, but there was a time about a month ago that I did kind of drop my guard and show emotions and totally "f" up and she even told me that "steve, I want the confident steve back, the happy steve, the steve that is happy at his job and has fun with his friends again"…..notice she said confident first? Well, it is getting better and I am thinking about her less at work and I see my friends and new friends all the time….the happy steve comes in waves as I work through the loss of her and the confidence at the time is coming back, but is still forced….


So, I will give the ex some fulfillment (help with her studies two days next week and forced exercise) then I will disappear until she calls to say she got a good grade and thanks for the help…..then aloof again….I cannot expect or will expect a call for anything other then that….as I said, I am trying to keep my relationship with her strictly scholastic and health because I can't get caught in the "getting too close" trap where I may say or do something that shows insecurity or lack of confidence or is not aloof. ICE WATER IN MY VAINS….she owes me nothing.


You wrote: "You may need to change certain thoughts she has about you in her mind in order to do this and do it well. You may also need to change certain thoughts she has about herself. Either will take time." To do this, I need to take a "post Mortem look at our relationship….."Remember what made her happy, sad, mad, horny, frigid, excited, tired, got her adrenaline pumping so tired did not matter, etc. Think about how the two of you acted towards each other and what changed." This is great stuff and I will try to do this.


Also, you stated: "Instead of her knowing your feelings, you want to be an enigma. You don't want her to know that you love her or want to be with her for any period of time." I have always worn my emotions and comments on my sleeve (Sagittarius problem) and I know it drove her crazy at times. ENIGMA!! I actually grew up watching lots of those old movies and used to think a man just grabs a woman to kiss her if he wants….(kind of the idea, but not quite)…I will take a new look at this….i agree with you.


What made her happy:


When I first met her, she saw first saw my picture on my fridge with a friend of mine (female) and we were looking happy and cool in our leather jackets and my dark rimmed glasses. The picture screamed happy and stylish and with cool and attractive girl. Next the same night she saw me being a total flirt with some girls at my party…them sitting on my lap, etc…and they were very cute too. She also that night asked my brother who decorated the apartment and he told her that I did…I have this very eclectic second hand style…I was in architecture in my early days……so, she first fell for me because I was a guy with style, cool friends, a good party, a guy with cute girls around him…while we were dating, what made her happy was visiting her family and friends in Wisconsin. Hanging out with friends in Chicago and going to parties…being seen as part of a cool group of people…she loved to go out for breakfast….especially brunch…sometimes with friends, sometimes with just me….with a vermosa or bloody mary…our two cats brought her great happiness…she learned to love my estate sale trips, which was like shopping for her as she would find cool old clothes….she really enjoyed traveling and going out to nice dinners and movies…..she enjoyed just walking around the neighborhood and trying new places…….she loved trying new things like theater…we never got to got to the theater, ballet or a symphony…she is into celeb gossip and those kinds of things…new clothes or the op to show off new things makes her happy. She loved when I helped her pick out things to wear…..i always had the fashion bug she wanted. My mom's pizza and Fridays with my family. cooking new things and cooking things i liked...cooking with me....


What made her sad:


When one of the cats fell out of the window….the death of her step father several years before I met her, my baseball and how it caused me to not want to go out all the time, especially as she approached nursing school, me pulling away or being cold…


What made her horny:


I would get sex a times before we were to go out (with female friends of ours/ or mine first)…, she was horny mostly in the afternoon after a nap, the excitement of getting ready to go out and do something new or exciting made her horny…..she would surprise me at times with her turn on….when she signed her lease before she moved out, she was very turned on and really had great sex with me, pointing to how wet she was….new and exciting things….she had really great sex with me once when I went out of my way to see her when she worked downtown…and we went hung out and enjoyed ourselves…kind of last moment kind of things…the day I told her I was going to ask my mother for her engagement ring to give her, she really really showed me a good time…very nice…



What made her frigid:


When I would beg for sex….or sleep in the other room…or say something rude or crude….when I would not drive nice for her…..when I would comment on another girl or ex girl.. or comment on how she may want to be with someone other then me….


What made her excited: See happy


What made her adrenaline pump when she is tired:


A real cool party with plenty of friends and a new outfit or piece of an outfit….i tend to be a fashion bug..(friends are that way..in fasion industry)


How did the way we acted toward each other change?


Soon after our trip to Scotland where she expected me to propose marriage, she learned that she was going to get into the nursing school she wanted. Her life had changed as she knew it and I missed my opportunity (I think) to have kept the link with her……….ever since she started interviewing with the school (a one year accelerated bachelors program at one of the top hospitals in the nation) they asked her about her relationships…do you have a boyfriend? And if so, is it a strong relationship, because personal issues caused by a breakup or poor relationship will make school that much more difficult…"they scared the stuff out of her" When she first interviewed for the school, the answer was yes and he is very supportive and even helps me study, etc…..when she went for the scholarship, we were beginning to have issues….opposite hours, etc…we started pulling apart and she became confused and scared about the relationship…she decided to move out two months before the lease was up and five months before school started…plenty of time to get back on her feet and get the relationship behind her….she first said if it was not for nursing school we would still be living together working it out….she said this to hour counselor (we tried it out of last minute desperation, but it was bad timing, for we were only dealing with the problems created by a dark cloud over our relationship)…..she was almost held back from entering the program back in November due to a school strike (causing her to be one prerequisite short) and she even told me when she was upset, "I even did this to us because of nursing school" paraphrasing, but you got the point….


Later after my growing desperation, when we she moved out but we were still "dating" I became very needy, unconfident, and basically a tool as I tried to salvage the relationship and she just got totally turned off. I was no longer the guy she met at my house party…no longer the guy in the picture……I could not offer her those things anymore due to the dark cloud and my apparent transformation…..(I MUST REBUILD)


Some of the things that happened after she started to pull away and I started to pull away….(just before she, in late may, decided to take on full time at a server job and I had baseball full time…we never had the time together anymore to eat brunch together, go out together, etc….all those things that make her and me happy)….so she loses her sexual interest in me and I want it more as it is taken away…so I come accross as sex crazed and she comes accross as cold….i stop giving her big hugs and foot rubs (she started asking for them) and started playing computer games during the little time we did have together and we just pulled apart……we got scared……then all those little things that didn't bother us, started to bother us…..her biting her nails and me breathing at night (I am allergic to the cats)…then one day in middle October, I was upset at some things she said in a counseling session and I sensed it was helpless and I suggested we break up, she repeated the question and she said fine….now here I am….


Don't forget, I agreed to allow her to move out, then I helped her find new furniture, decorate her apartment, paint, etc…..swallowed my pride for 2.5 months….and then what happened is that after we officially broke up…we hung around together and a cyclical discussion started by me about "us" would just upset us both (especially her) and I went from having some promise in the future to her finally saying after a couple attempts at no contact and these painful discussions and my acting like an asssss (no confidence, etc.) she just said, "no steve, right now I do not see us getting back together"…


So finally after new years when she spent much of the time talking to some other guy, I told her that either we get through her program together in a way…platonic….and we revisit us in 6 mos or so, or I pull away because I can't live to see her with another man because I was still in love with her..she did not want to make the decision, although she said "if it means steve or no steve, I take steve, but she gave me all these what ifs and I couldn't do it…I had to have no contact to straighten myself out….so, my no contact last, lasted almost 3 weeks until I found out she was hurting due to school pressures, hence the reason I went to see her and broke no contact….now I find myself in this place … more confident and out doing all the things she liked me for again, but without her, but wanting her back…..i am still not alright with seeing her fall in love with someone, so I will have to deal with that when it happens, if it happens (she always said she was not interested in a relationship with anyone)…


in the meantime, I find myself right back helping her, but not spending quality time with her just watching movies, tv, dinner, socials, etc…..i am only willing, at this point, to spend time with her if it is school and health related….she wants to come see the cat, but even with something like that where we would be doing what we once did with our other cats, it is too familiar and would invoke too many emotions for me….

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Last night i spent time with the friends i am going to mexico with. it happens to be the same place my ex and i went in the early part of our relationship. I am going with four girls that are mutual friends of ours.


last night i met a girl, probably too young for me, but interested. she is new to the area and wants to meet new people. i can sense her grabbing on to me a bit like the ex did who was new to the area and scene as well.


what are my thoughts on my ex today or recently? i think she may be seeing someone who is a friend of Keri's, our mutual friend and one of the girls going on the mexico trip. but should i care really? i am certainly dating. it is just a sense i have...but then again, i think too much....what makes me think this is:


1. he recently had a gf leave town who looked a bit like my ex,

2. he is close to our mutual friend keri,

3. my ex was worried once a couple months ago when she was with me and he was accross the street. she said, "people are going to be confused seeing us together" she said that as she tried to hide by my side as he walked.

4. she went to an art event with keri last sat, but when i asked keri how it went, she did not respond, but she did ask me to change a "friendster" testimony she wrote that had a reference to me and my ex being in love. he is on "friendster" and she may be trying to clean it up for him to feel more comfortable.

5. about two weeks ago, i saw him at the bar he works at and he seemed totally distracted when i said hi, and he always said hi and talked to me before...was he feeling weird or uncomfortable?


I guess i can have my friend nancy look into it for me.

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An email from her today:


Hello S,


i just finished my 2nd exam in pathophysiology. i know that i did better than the 1st exam, but i probably won't find out my grade until tomorrow: (keep your fingers crossed that it's at least an 90!


thanks for the info for my crazy landlord. i'm going to definitely do something about that tonight. i'm thinking that i'll write a "nice" letter with my rent check and then if she doesn't respond within 2 weeks, i'll give her the "not-so-nice" letter.


well, keep me posted on when you will get smitty! regardless, i'll see you on sunday at 3.



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It has been since last Monday since she called. she called today, friday, to come see the cat. and asked if we were still on for sunday studies. but i played dumb and told her i thought she would have seen the cat was being delayed. (infection). she was totally looking forward to coming over. she then proceeded to just keep talking and talking....i wanted to keep it to 15 min max, but my two attempts were thwarted by her. i finally told her i had to get ready to go out and she asked with who...wendy (mutual friend) and some others i said. i told her i did not know why in hell i was going out again, since i went out every day this week ... she sounded sad and said, i knew you would start going out all the time now...(she was referring to our last three months or so together when we were having problems and i didn't want to go out (something i knew she loved)...i just told her that "ya know, i not going to go into that with you." "things were weird then" i said...she then said in a pouty voice, man i am out of the social loop. i told her she would be back in when she is done with school....i made a point to tell her about a big function coming up on the 19th...i will probably bring a date, but did not tell her that...i just told her she should get keri to go with her to it..."i probably do that". I finally had to end the call......"i will see you sunday..."

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I got a call from her on Sunday, about an hour before our planned study session. She had asked that I print something for her (her printer was not working she said, but then I got it out of her that she was out of ink). It was for her school and was about 70 pages. I was okay with it, besides the fact she could just have told me she was out of ink and not hinted that the printer was not functioning properly….she even said, "could you do this for me, even though you seem to be doing plenty for me now"…I guess she was referring to my assisting her with her test. Turns out a virus I have on my computer will not let me do it for her….


I met in front of her apartment, where she saw me…she was smiling and kind of laughing because of my outfit which was a little goofy…I am okay with that…she said I looked like the guy from the royal tonumbaums….i purposely did not go in….she came out and we started our run after a short stretch. I did not say much…kept it all about the work out…got her sweating good, which was my plan…release the endorfins…sweat out the stress….when we returned to the front of her apartment, she asked me to come in, and I told her I didn't want to go in…"come see the kitties"…she always goes back to them to get me to come in like I have some maternal connection with them if not her…


I went in but stayed in the doorway area…while she gathered her things….i really didn't want to walk in and see whether or not our picture was still up by her couch….


On the way, she mentioned I was being a bit cold, and that she could read it in my body language….(I made a mistake and said) "you know" "I am trying not to get sucked back into your life" "I am doing this out of selflessness because I care about you and your success in school." She said, " this isn't out of friendship?"…"sure it was" , I said, "but you have to understand where I am coming from"….she said, "then maybe doing this was a mistake and we should not do it again Tuesday?"…I said "no, we are going to do this and have fun together." "you'll see"…


I apologized and told her that before we got to the coffee house, I would lighten up, which I did……


We went to the coffee house and ordered some food and coffee…she got ready to have me help her study…while I read…..


She gave me the flash cards with the drug names she needed to know….i had her read them to me so I could repeat the names….very difficult names and she was laughing very hard and tearing up listening to me ….. it was great to see her so happy with me.


We worked on the study very diligently, and I got her to get up and walk outside a bit…I even gave her one of the massages on her back that I give when she is in the hugging position…I run my fingers up and down her back…she leaned her head onto my shoulder and that felt nice…


We did not get through all of the cards and it was time to go, so I told her we would go ahead and study it Monday and Tuesday after I got off work…I was going to the coffee shop Monday anyway…she agreed to meet me, very happy to have my help.


We then prepared to leave and she asked me to drop her off at the grocery store…I decided to just go in with her and pick up a couple things and then drive her home…


She made a point of mentioning meals I used to make us that she liked and then bought the ingredients…she through a few of these kinds of indirect compliments my way last night….when we got back to her place, I dropped off the boxes of hers (no more material contact now besides the 300 she owes)….i think she may have wanted me to stop in, but I stayed by the door and she reached out and hugged me…a nice big hug….

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