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Thread: I had sex with an old friend and he is ghosting me right now

  1. #1

    I had sex with an old friend and he is ghosting me right now

    (Sorry for my English)
    Thanks for reading this. Almost a week ago, I started to flirting with a friend of mine from high school. I have graduated from high school a year ago and that guy had came to our class at last year, which means that I have known him since 2 years. My boyfriend (who is an ex right now) that guy (let's call him M) and I were in the same class. I've never cheated on my ex boyfriend but he cheated on me and we used to have a horrible relationship, he was a narcissistic and we had lots of ups and downs, you got the point. I have known that my ex best friend (I really hate her so much right now) had feelings for M and stalked and met him before he came to our school. But she changed her school at the same time M came to my school. We talked about her with M and M said that he doesn't like her million times because she had some psychological problems and bad habits/personality. Everyone in our class were really close with each other. And I know that M is a good guy with a nice personality, but my ex boyfriend was so jealous on him. My friends and I were shipping him with a girl in our class, they were pretty close but they had relationships with someone else from outside of the school. And another girl in our class had a crush on M but I also know that nothing happened between them.

    I had different relationships in college and I grew up a lot. After I graduated from high school and broke up with my boyfriend I realized that he is being closer to me than he was before. And we started to chatting almost a week ago. Everything happened so fast between us. Him and I have just finished our recent relationships and I know that we both are tired. And I personally was not looking for a new relationship. I have always been someone who have low self-esteem and think that he is way more attractive to be with someone like me, and I of course mentioned him about this. But since the very beginning he have been so kind and thoughtful towards me. We both have been complimenting each other a lot, until yesterday. We had sex yesterday, and it was kinda obvious that he is not satisfied enough, even though I am more experienced than him. I felt horrible and he acted like I was there just to give pleasure to him. After that he noticed that I was down and kept asking me what is wrong but I didn't tell him anything. He have been replying my messages really late since yesterday. I know what happened but I just can't confess it to myself, because I wasn't expecting him to be like that. I am someone who is always open to new relationships but my heart is not listening to me right now. I know that I've feelings towards him, especially when he said me that he liked me since high school. I know that I can forget him but I don't want to, it all was so quick, feels like I'm in a dream. I don't want to argue with him because I realized that this is turning into a platonic relationship. And I also know that he won't care. I kept finding myself arguing with him in my mind :) I don't want to lose him but I also can't understand why he acted like that. It could be okay for me if he said that he just want to have sex with someone at first. But right now I feel like I've been used by him, I feel like a piece of garbage.

    Again, thanks for reading and being honest with advices :) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What went wrong with the sex? Give it time. Let the dust settle and allow time to process everything. Ghosting is not someone not texting for less than 24 hrs. Relax, don't panic.

    Don't try to fix him or fix everything. He'll be in touch when he's ready.
    Originally Posted by matildaaa
    I started to flirting with a friend of mine from high school. ex boyfriend was so jealous on him.

    We had sex yesterday, and it was kinda obvious that he is not satisfied enough. He have been replying my messages really late since yesterday.

  3. #3
    He said that he masturbated that morning, which means that it was so hard for him to reach orgasm. And he was keep losing his concentration. I tried my best and did bj for a long time. After that he never asked me even if I want to relax or have an orgasm...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    It's only been since yesterday! How is that "ghosting"?

    Please tell me you haven't been bombarding him with messages or asking him repeatedly "Is everything OK? Are you mad at me?"

    Give him some time, this is new for him too.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    That's all they wanted.....he didn't use you if you two were consenting to having sex. Sex is not currency for a relaitonship...he owes you nothing, and you owe him nothing. It's possible he had this fantasy as to how this was going to happen and he was disappointed...so he runs away not knowing what to do or say.

    To avoid anything like this again is to go out on dates, get to know one another before just hopping into the sack.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You mentioned having low self-esteem so try holding off on sex for now. This seems to be throwing you off and hurting you. Don't overanalyze his actions but if he appeared rude or non-reciprocal during sex, distracted or has been uninterested in you since then, read the signs and dial it back. You don't need selfish or self-centered people around you, no matter how good looking they are. There are good looking people everywhere. This person isn't all there is and even if he's the last man on earth, don't bother with him if he treats you badly.

    Generally after casual sex one or both parties tends to do some rethinking or feels a bit confused or nervous after the fact. He may be rethinking what just happened or unsure about what it means for your friendship. It means he may also not want to sleep with you again or realize that he still has feelings for his ex. Whatever it is, don't beat yourself up over someone who doesn't want to pursue a more meaningful relationship with you.

    Let go of the "I don't want to lose him" worry too. If he wants to get lost, let him get lost. Never stand in the way of someone who thinks he can do better than you.

  8. #7
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    Well he is not ghosting you. It's been only one day and he does reply to you. Ghosting is if the person doesn't reply at all and you never hear from them again. It seems like you are very stressed and nervous and over analysing because you like him. You said in your post that he said he has liked you since high school. Do you think he was being honest about that? Or he was just trying to get sex? I think try to act relaxed. Don't message much and show you're insecure. Give him a chance to reach out to you first.

  9. #8
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    He hasn't ghosted you. It's been one day; give it time.

    However, if you felt he didn't care about trying to pleasure you, I'm not so sure I would care if he did wind up ghosting. It doesn't sound like it was an enjoyable time, and I doubt I would want Round Two.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't do this. It's not your job to service him if a hookup doesn't work out.

    How old is he? Let this go. Stop thinking that your desirability is dependent on some guy who's too tired,drunk,lazy, etc to have sex.
    Originally Posted by matildaaa
    He said that he masturbated that morning, which means that it was so hard for him to reach orgasm. And he was keep losing his concentration. I tried my best and did bj for a long time. After that he never asked me even if I want to relax or have an orgasm...

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    have always been someone who have low self-esteem and think that he is way more attractive to be with someone like me, and I of course mentioned him about this. Basically, you shouldn't be dating until you boost your self-esteem because you will be attracting abusers, manipulators, etc. And broadcasting your low self worth, saying what you did here, is so unattractive to men. The whole woe is me, I can't even see what you see in me, since you're leagues beyond me in looks. Embrace who you are with confidence. If you possess self-love, that you're worthy of the best of the best, that is the biggest attractor to friends and romantic partners. Positivity boosts your appeal. Sad sacks and whining lowers your appeal.

    Playing the devil's advocate, perhaps he was embarrassed he couldn't get hard, and his mind was consumed with trying, and then wanting to wrap things up and get the bad experience over with versus pleasing you. And now, since he barely knows you even though you previously knew each other, but in a far different way, he might want to avoid you because of that embarrassment since you two have no permanent connection.

    I'd take this as a learning experience. See if a guy really wants to get to know you better by dating before having sex so quickly. Guys who just want a roll in the hay won't have the patience to wait. We don't know his mindset or intentions. He might be a clueless good guy who didn't know how to deal with the situation. And always know you can ask for what you want.

    As with any relationship, it's a wait and see, day by day thing, where you get to know if a person makes you a priority or not, if it even goes beyond a one and done. Keep a diverse life with friends and activities so that your whole universe doesn't revolve around a man. In that way, you won't be so tied up in knots over a new guy you fantasized about didn't live up to that fantasy in reality.


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