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Thread: How Can I Be There For Someone That Shut's Down

  1. #1

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    How Can I Be There For Someone That Shut's Down

    Hie There

    I have been in a 4 month relationship with someone amazing but shut's down now again.

    The smallest of thing can be a trigger and can turn into something so big it sometimes if not all overwhelms her, i have discovered. Which leaves our relationship so fragile you literally feel a single thread hold binding us, but when she is okay we something out of movie to be honest the way we blend, we get each other ,we happy.

    But again,i'm reluctant to be have bad days or share my concerns, when she says or does something upsetting because that's somehow is used again me & that prompts her into shutting down.

    She constantly tell's me i'm never there for her when she's like that but i do, i do i try my best to communicate and show her im with her, but seems never enough, and it always comes up when she's in this state as well as things that happened long back they brought back as if it happens everytime.

    She has anxiety and shes loves attention.

    How can i be there for her?. What do i do?

    Thank You

  2. #2
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    Unfortunately, you can't help her if she won't meet you halfway.

    When you say she shuts down, what do you mean exactly? She refuses to talk to you, or? How frequently does this happen, and for how long? Is her anxiety is being treated at all? Who does she seek attention from?

    It sounds like a classic but dysfunctional push-pull relationship. The highs are great and so you stick around, but it's a relationship fraught with tension and uncertainty, never knowing when the next conflict is going to ignite. These situations can be addictive because you get hooked on the high that follows the low, and on it goes. The problem is that there is usually no real consistently stable middle ground, which is what good and long-lasting relationships are really made of. You're constantly walking that tight-rope trying to get your balance right, and just when you think you've finally got it, the ropes wobbles and sways once again.

    In short, relationships like this usually don't last. Not without one person feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by all the turmoil. She would need to own her part in it and want to address it as a team, and it doesn't appear that's the case. At just 4 months, this isn't a good sign. I would suggest you re-evaluate whether this is all really worth it, OP. These problems often get worse over time.

  3. #3
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    When you say a 4 month relationship , do you mean 4 months exclusive after dating a few months prior to that and deciding this is someone you want a relationship with?

    Or have you just been dating 4 months?

    After how many dates did she start behaving so oddly and non committal?

  4. #4
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    She's not that amazing if she keeps behaving like this. If she has anxiety it's for her to get professional health with, not for you to keep being pulled into this up and down loop which leaves you walking on eggshells and afraid to voice your own feelings. So much drama in 4 months, especially that, with all the virus lockdown/restrictions you've probably not seen each other nearly as much as you might otherwise have done. Think about this relationship a year from now when she's still doing the same thing. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself? Intentionally or not, she's being selfish and manipulative into making you responsible for her emotional responses and that's unfair.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At 4mos you're getting to know some things about her that are not like the movies. What are the arguments about? Was her temperament this way all along?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The bad outweighs the good. The point of dating is to find out who you're compatible with, and whose company you totally enjoy. After 120 days together, you're full of anxiety, striving to know how to hold on to this pile of gelatin, instead of an easy-going companionship full of laughter, cuddling, thoroughly enjoying each other's company.

    You mustn't think very much of yourself if this is all you're worthy of. I'd tell her, "This relationship isn't working for me." And then work on your self esteem so you will attract and accept no less than someone who is mentally together.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Your question is really how can you fill a bottomless pit. You can't.

    Whatever her mental health issues are, she needs to take it up with medical professionals, therapists, etc. Unfortunately, if she is not willing to do that and instead takes her problems out on her relationships, then what you see is what you get - never ending drama, accusations, etc.

    For just 4 months dating that's an absurd amount of drama already. It's your clue to walk away.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    To temporarily deal with the stonewalling, just stop and walk away, don't push. Give it 20 mins, and regroup with the tension settles down.
    BUT for the long term fix, she needs behavioral therapy to deal with those moments of anxiety. You can do anything for her, but a therapist can.
    Now if this is too much, then this relationship doesn't have the substance to make such an effort.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you mind talking a bit more about your life together?

    Do you live together or are you both local?

    The overall feeling is a general "lack" or perceived lack of a lot of things. It may be difference in love languages, issues with long distance, generational differences, cultural differences and on and on.

    If you are interested in making this work, both of you have to address the cracks in the foundation first. These communication issues: shutting down, stonewalling, needing attention, using flaws or weaknesses against each other in arguments, are all symptoms of (in my opinion) bigger existing issues.

    What's your life together like? How often do you see each other or how much time in person do you have together?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You can't do anything for her. If she isn't receptive to your moral support, you need to back off and let her live her life however way she wishes to navigate herself and her emotions.

    You also need to rethink that if you feel the way you do after 4 months, perhaps she's too high maintenance with baggage which she needs to sort out without you. She has her own issues and having a relationship with you will only drag you down because she's a drag.

    It's not a happy relationship when there are so many issues such as what she has. You are required to have the patience of a saint. If you're not the saintly type, then perhaps she's not the one for you long term. Only time will tell. In the meantime, give her lots of time and space. Beware though. Too much absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. On the contrary, a lot of absence causes two people to drift apart permanently.


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