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Thread: Family members are putting pressure on me to move on from being sexually abused

  1. #1
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Family members are putting pressure on me to move on from being sexually abused

    I was sexually abused by my father when i was a minor and sadly i still get triggers even though it's been years. I've been in therapy on and off for years but this hasn't stopped from me getting flash backs every now and then. At some point i wanted to commit suicide because i just didn't want to face what my own biological father did to me or think about it. i just didn't want to deal with it and death was my only way out. the flash backs have become less frequent but when i get triggers i feel angry all over again. Whenever i tell some of my relatives back home that i don't have relationship with my father, i don't randomly tell them that..it somehow comes up in a conversation... so of-course they want to know why. In that case i explain everything so they can understand. They say they do but then they start putting pressure on me to move on and forget as if i'm simply choosing to hold on to these feelings. Some even start suggesting things like i should keep busy, go to church to put those thoughts past me. I know they mean well and i know forvigness is for my benefit because when you forgive he won't control my happiness. but how do you begin to forgive? i can't just work up one day and be like , I forgive him and i'm moving on from this when i get these unwanted and uncontrollable flashbacks that sends me into a pit of anger? i tried to forget all these years and move on. I want to be happy. i want to forget it never happen. sometimes i seem to be forgetting and moving forward but then a simple trigger gives me a flash back which sents me back having all the unpleasant emotions again. It keep coming back to haunt me even though i really want to forget. And it annoys me when these people keep pointing out something already know but unable to just turn off my feelings. Can anyone relate?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I found a very successful treatment for sexual abuse to be EMDR. Have you done that before? Also it is not up to other people what your timeline of healing is. They have no input on that.

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    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I found a very successful treatment for sexual abuse to be EMDR. Have you done that before? Also it is not up to other people what your timeline of healing is. They have no input on that.
    i was supposed to start that but couldn't proceeed because of Covid-19 lockdown. Did your all your flashbacks , and emotions associated with the trauma disapear ? is it like a cure? How long did you did it for?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    i was supposed to start that but couldn't proceeed because of Covid-19 lockdown. Did your all your flashbacks , and emotions associated with the trauma disapear ? is it like a cure? How long did you did it for?
    No, it is not a cure. It does not erase your past it is not like a memory erase. What it does is it actually resorts memories so that they go to the part of the brain they were supposed to go to in the first place and not interrupted by trauma. Basically what it does is it helps you to see the world through the filter that youíre living now and not through the past. It helps to remove the emotional response to memories and the present.

    I would have to say it has reduce my PTSD by about 70%.

    But for people to expect you to never have a trigger or never have a memory or never have an emotional response what happened to you is completely and utterly unrealistic. This is not their business and they have no control of your timeline and they shouldnít even be pressuring you.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Stop confiding in them in any way whatsoever. Save any talk about this with trusted friends, doctors, therapists.
    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    I've been in therapy on and off for years but this hasn't stopped from me getting flash backs every now and then.

    Whenever i tell some of my relatives back home that i don't have relationship with my father, i don't randomly tell them that..it somehow comes up in a conversation... so of-course they want to know why.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I forgot to tell you my length of treatment. I had 10 sessions.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What you went through and are going through has to be a devastating betrayal. Like your relatives I can only imagine so I will speak from their point of view.

    Like you said I think they simply just don't know what to say and are just grasping for some sort of helpful words. I know I would have no idea what to say if I knew you and you told me what happened other than I would be angry, worried for you and try and help somehow. I would probably say or do the wrong thing too.

    The good thing is there are people like Seraphim and others here on ENA that do know what you are going through and can offer help.

    Please keep posting, you are safe here.

    Lost

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    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I forgot to tell you my length of treatment. I had 10 sessions.
    Thank you for sharing your experiance

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry for your life long pain and painful memories, MrsWise.

    Even though our stories are not exactly the same, there are parallels. My mother was traumatized ever since she was a baby, mentally abused throughout her childhood, neglected, abandoned and her hellacious marriage to my domestically violent, chain smoking, alcoholic late father. She bears heavy burdens and miserable memories continue to haunt her. Her horrific life reads like a Greek tragedy and until her dying day, she is a wounded soul.

    For decades, she has repeated her same stories to me like a broken record. What I'm telling you is this: The compassion card runs out. People, family and friends grow tired of hearing the same repeated very sad, tragic stories over and over again ad nauseum. None of us are equipped to help victims. Real therapy comes from professionals such as psychologists.

    Don't confide your personal abuse to family members. They're sick 'n tired of it and don't know what to do with your information. They want you to put it to rest. They don't want to know gory details of sexual abuse and continually reminded of the identity of the molester. They don't want you to dump on them anymore. Their message is this: "It's your problem, I don't want to hear it anymore, you deal with your own baggage, you sound like a drama queen and let's talk about the weather instead." Even friends become exasperated as well. It's time to keep your mouth shut. Your conversations should be light, polite and superficial because this is what most people want. They want pleasant conversations with you. They don't want to hear any smut. People don't want pit pots because it's unpleasant. They don't want you to air your dirty laundry. This is human nature.

    People the world over are victims of all forms of abuse; not only sexual abuse. There are so many intolerable and unacceptable wrongs in this world. It runs the gamut. There are all sorts of very painful mental torture and physical abuse. People including family can be so cruel. I myself can write a novel regarding very, very bad transgressions thrust upon me for decades.

    There is no such thing as "forgive and forget" within the same quote. Forgive? Yes, it's possible. Forget? Never. To forgive means to move on, not have feelings of ill will, not hold grudges and start anew with your life. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means by moving on, you are in control, you are in the driver's seat of relationships and you have every right to enforce healthy boundaries with anyone whom you choose.

    Personally, I've found that bad memories begin to infiltrate my brain whenever I have too much time to dwell on negativity. 'Idle hands are the devil's workshop.' In my experience, whenever I get busy doing anything, I'm extremely distracted and concentrate on what I'm doing. This can be anything such as mundane chores around the house, feeling cathartic when I declutter and organize my house, car and garage, for example. Exercise helps tremendously. Concentrate on sweating instead of allowing bad people to have a grip on your brain. Surround yourself with very moral, upstanding people. Create your own world. This is what I do.

    Whenever I concentrate on other subjects whether it's in the news, my dear friends (BFF in particular), immediate family (husband and sons) and in the past, my dog (who died last year), working out, hobbies and the like, I don't have any brain space for bad memories. During my non-work hours, I love to immerse myself into sewing quilts, making jewelry, scrapbooking, cooking, calligraphy, making greeting cards, knitting, crocheting, painting, embroidery, etc. I'm too busy and preoccupied doing what makes me happy. It's a good trick for the brain. Sure, I'll think of bad memories but those bad memories become an infrequent blur, the busier I am. You ought to try to change your life if you want to be a happy person and have decreased bad memories from now on.

    Church helps if you are faith based and religious. There are support and prayer groups there. Also, whether you're in church or not, help those who are disadvantaged and less fortunate than you are. Then, with all due respect, you won't feel sorry for yourself as much because so many people are worse off than you. They have their very sad stories, too such as homeless problems, unemployment, no food, shelter, broken homes, domestic violence, drug problems, alcoholism, poor health and the list goes on forever. Help them. Volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen. Then suddenly your problems pale compare to theirs. Divert your bad memories away from you onto helping others who need you. This can be done with masks, social distancing, sanitizing everything, etc.

    Make changes to your life. This is how you heal.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 06-01-2020 at 06:45 PM.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Just remember that PTSD actually damages the brainís ability to work properly. You will get better in your own time not somebody elseís timeline. That is the only way you can work.

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