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Thread: Why has he disappeared?

  1. #1

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    Why has he disappeared?

    I went to Europe for 1.5 weeks of seasonal work in Feb and met a guy who I instantly had a connection with. We had the same sense of humor, and it felt like Iíd known him forever.

    The first night we went out with a group of other people. He had been sleeping with one of the girls but told her he couldnít go home with her. He told me he needed to keep hanging out with me. We spent the whole night talking and ended up cuddling on the couch until we fell asleep.

    We had to work the next day but couldnít wait to hang out again, we wanted to be in physical contact all of the time and kept realizing how much we had in common. He referenced an obscure TV show that not everyone knows about, which is my all-time favorite show.

    By day four, weíd told each other we loved each other and kept talking about this crazy connection we had. We talked about wanting to start a farm together, half-joking half-serious. He said heíd never had a connection like this with someone.

    The next day we both got sick, so spent a little less time together and more time asleep.

    At the end of the week, we had a bit of an argument. His friends were starting to ask why he was spending so much time with me. They couldnít understand since heíd only known me for a week. He took it a bit to heart and said things like Iíve come in like a hurricane to ruin his life and then will leave. He lives in the UK, and I live in New Zealand.

    I ended up storming out. I guess I was tired and sick. We had a text conversation where I said I never wanted to see him again (urgh crazy overreaction) he begged me not to do this and that he thought I was amazing. Heíd never had a connection like this etc. I didnít talk to him for the rest of the evening.

    He texted me to say he hoped I was ok. In the morning, I told him I was feeling better. He texted me back but was cold all day. I was due to leave the next day. We kept it friendly, but at this point, I was so tired of our intense week I wanted to leave. I guess I felt like it would be easier to cut him out.

    Over the next few days, we texted a lot, wishing we didnít live so far apart and couldnít wait to see each other again stuff. Then I didnít hear from a week. It felt so long since weíd been texting so consistently. I felt terrible that heíd gone completely dark for a whole week, but I resisted texted him because I figured if he still wanted to keep in touch, he would.

    After a week, he texted me like nothing had happened, just telling me something funny that had happened. The next day I think he texted me while drunk saying he missed me so much. We chatted all the next day like normal, talking about our farm when I made a joke about it, he said he seriously wanted to do it.
    We spoke briefly on the phone, had a lot of laughs, and it felt like it was back to normal.

    The next day he said he missed me and had been telling his friend about our amazing connection. It was his birthday the next day, so I texted him to say happy birthday but he never replied. Then a week went by and he messaged again as if nothing had happened. We reminisced about the week we had spent together, how quickly we fell in love etc, all the funny things that had happened, he said he felt sad when watching out favourite TV show. He was supposed to be coming to NZ in June but can't now because of the Coronavirus.

    It's been nearly two weeks since I heard from him, our last conversation was about how he wished we were in lockdown together and that he felt like we were soulmates. Every day that goes by, I get the feeling that Iíll never hear from him again. But when I think about our connection, I find it so hard to believe that it wasnít real.

    But why would he suddenly disappear?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Hey there, girl from the land of my whanau,

    This emotional fling that you had with this lad was little more than a fleeting encounter with someone you connected with from the other side of the world. And in that week, there were more ups and down then good relationships have in their first 6 months, arguments, declarations of love, friends complaining he was spending too much time etc. It sounds like it was too intense for something that will last, but will leave a memory with you.

    Like the cliche, 'the brightest stars burn the fastest', that is pretty much what went on here. It was great while it lastest, but that intensity could not have lasted long term.

    As to why he may have disappeared. Things are a lot heavier over here than they are in NZ. He has come back to his family and is in lockdown with the rest of the world. With the threat of this virus continuing for months, the fleeting encounter with this girl from the other side of the world will likely fade. Remember he skipped out on a girl he was sleeping with to hang out with you, with you being so far away, and the liklihood of getting together low, he'll throw out his net to catch another girl.

    My suggestion, let it go, remember the time fondly, and get on with your life. If something happens in the future, then it will happen, but don't hang on in hope, there are plenty of other people out there.

  3. #3

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    Hi Keyman, thanks so much for your response. I should clarify I am also from the UK just in NZ for work so will be going back to live there soon.

  4. #4
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    Despite the declarations of love and fantasizing about the future, the fact remains that you barely know this person.

    People who dive in head-first without stopping to check what they're diving into are not the kind you can rely on. They tend to be emotion- or hormone-driven and impulsive, without stopping to think about how their actions might affect others once the initial thrill is over. I wouldn't have taken "I love you" or any plans of a future seriously from someone I had known only a few days. Sure, it might feel heady and exciting in the moment but it's not a realistic start to a sustainable relationship.

    That is especially true when you live on opposite sides of the world and can't meet again in person any time soon. The fantasy fling just doesn't hold up back in the real world, so to speak. My feeling is that he had fun but realizes this doesn't exactly have the chance to go anywhere so he's distancing himself. It's disappointing but I don't think this was ever really a viable option.

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  6. #5
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    Itís amazing how many seem to blame coronavirus for another ghosting, playing , whatever!?

    It has nothing to do with coronavirus and everything to do with him being a player.

    OP, did you ever consider the other girls feelings who he was sleeping with but stopped when you arrived??
    That girl could have been you? If you had arrived before her?

    You are not in love with him and he is not in love with you.
    He played you.

    You only loosely knew him for 10 days and in that time argued?
    He probably created the argument to get time with another.

    You do not know this guy and he doesnít know you. And he certainly is not going out of his way to get to know you.

    Please donít waste you time or energy on him.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Effie
    Hi Keyman, thanks so much for your response. I should clarify I am also from the UK just in NZ for work so will be going back to live there soon.
    Ah, I just saw this.

    Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to make much difference. The biggest problem was the crazy intensity right off the bat. It was way too much, way too soon. That's often indicative of someone who is just doing whatever feels great in the moment before they bounce off to the next thrill.

  8. #7

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    I donít think itís fair to say Iím blaming coronavirus. He had a job starting in June for the NZ ski season which has been cancelled because of border closures. I thought this was a relevant detail.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Effie
    I donít think itís fair to say Iím blaming coronavirus. He had a job starting in June for the NZ ski season which has been cancelled because of border closures. I thought this was a relevant detail.
    I didnít say you were blaming coronavirus. A responder suggested so.
    If he loved you like he claimed to , he wouldnít ghost on you like he has coronavirus or no coronavirus.
    He was keeping you sweet until June but now there is no point in his book.

    Therefore you were a fling in his eyes with a view to continue in June. No big deal right? Easy for him to play that game until June. But now that he is not going , whatís his motivation to keep in touch? There is none. Equals no love lost.

    Sorry!!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There's nothing wrong with a fun vacation fling. But that's all this was. Pretending it was an entire long term relationship crammed into 10 days is what is messing with your mind. Put things in perspective and you'll be fine. Just tell yourself. "That was a lot of fun" and move forward.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're bound to have chemistry with someone, when you're with a big group of people your age, wherever you go. I went to France for a month with a school group when I was a teen. I had flirtations with a guy from Mauritius and one from Greece and we wrote to each other briefly, but of course, that quickly gets old. As the song says: If you can't be with the one you love (technicality infatuated with), love the one you're with.

    He quickly ditched a woman he'd been sleeping with, got with you, flaunting it in front of the poor woman's face, and you think he's a decent guy, and that you're actually someone special to him?

    Just because you both live in the U.K. doesn't mean much unless you normally live within a half an hour away from one another. Because why would either of you uproot your entire lives, away from family and friends, to make a new life with someone you knew for a week?

    You've let your hormones run too wild, and expected way too much from someone who obviously doesn't see a future with you. Words of love and a future together mean nothing in the honeymoon stage, and you couldn't even get past that stage. Move on.

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