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Thread: I am insecure or is something going on?

  1. #1

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    I am insecure or is something going on?

    I'm really hoping someone can make sense of this if I'm being paranoid or not, I'm at my wits end with the stress of it.

    My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially". It's not been an easy year, we've had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes it feels like we're finally on track and then we're back to having issues.

    Early on in the relationship I found him doing things on IG that I just don't find appropriate or respectful if you're not single, liking provocative photos and following so many half naked girls and screenshotting their bikini photos to use as he doesn't watch porn (not celebs or IG models, that wouldn't be as bad, but just normal girls). He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

    He's become so protective of his phone, doesn't let it out his sight, takes it to the toilet and shower, has it facing down at all times when I'm around and even locks the screen and puts the phone down if I've walked back in the room or glanced in the screens direction.

    I asked to use his phone to post a photo on his IG instead of mine and he put his password in where I couldn't see then hovered over me the whole time, but I did manage to catch a quick glimpse at his gallery, I noticed a few photos of his ex and a few selfies of him posing in the mirror, selfies that he's never sent to me...

    He tells me he loves me, he's given me a key to his flat and I stay over a lot. He treats me to dinner and cinema etc, but I can't shake that something is going on. Maybe not full on physical cheating, but something, emotional/micro cheating perhaps and I feel sick with it.

    **TLDR, boyfriend of a year has become very protective of his phone, doesn't let it leave his sight. Follows hundreds of half naked girls on IG, screenshots their bikini photos to "use" as he doesn't use porn. Won't open messages or scroll IG/FB in front of me.


    Any advice on how to approach this? Am I jumping to conclusions?

  2. #2
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    Bottom line: do you trust your boyfriend? Based on your description, I'm inclined to believe that your trust in him is shaken (completely understandable, seeing as how you have caught him in a lie regarding behavior he promised to stop). Trust is the foundation upon which all healthy relationships lie. Without it, the relationship begins to deteriorate and crumble away.

    The best way to move forward, at this point, is to figure out if it is at all possible to rebuild your trust in the relationship, and if so, what exactly this will entail. If it means that your boyfriend's behavior must change, well, that is outside of your control. Your boyfriend is the only one who can change his behavior, and only if he wants to. You can certainly discuss this matter with him or even give him an ultimatum, but ultimately, it is his decision whether or not he will change.

    If you come to the realization that your trust in the relationship cannot be rebuilt, it is best to walk away. A relationship without genuine trust will never be one that is healthy and satisfying.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He's not going to stop.

    Policing him or parenting him won't make him stop because he doesn't want to.

    You could ask him to stop yet again but how well did that work out the past few times?

    So, you have a decision to make. Presuming he will continue, do you want to be in this relationship?

    If someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Has it really ever been without issues? Perhaps he hides things better, perhaps he's digging his heels in against your intrusions of his privacy. Unfortunately you've started a cat-and mouse game. You want to police his phone/social media and he wants it private.

    It would be best if you reflected on this dynamic and think about why there are so many 'ups and downs" in such a short time. Have you considered that the lame social media pics he has you so over-focused on is merely the tip of the iceberg as far as issues?
    Originally Posted by Llamalaura
    My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially". It's not been an easy year, we've had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes it feels like we're finally on track and then we're back to having issues.

    He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Have you asked him why he's so protective with his phone?

    Taking it to the bathroom him is a little much.

    I've dated men that have done such things. I tried to write it off as innocuous. I was almost always mistaken.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    Bottom line: do you trust your boyfriend? Based on your description, I'm inclined to believe that your trust in him is shaken (completely understandable, seeing as how you have caught him in a lie.
    I did absolutely trust him until I found out what he was doing and then lying about it. It's completely shaken my trust. I told him this and that it would take work on both our parts to rebuild the trust but all that's happened is he's still doing what he was, and possibly more that he's so secretive with his phone now. I can't stop thinking about what he could be up to I'm miserable with it. He finds it acceptable, and I find it disrespectful and hurtful so not sure how to fix that really

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Have you asked him why he's so protective with his phone?

    Taking it to the bathroom him is a little much.

    I've dated men that have done such things. I tried to write it off as innocuous. I was almost always mistaken.
    I finally asked him last night why he always takes his phone everywhere with him and he just said "I don't know" and I didn't know what to say after that so nothing else was said. I don't know how to bring this all up without it seeming like I'm accusing him, it's just things I'm noticing that don't seem right. Maybe it is innocent?

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Has it really ever been without issues? Perhaps he hides things better, perhaps he's digging his heels in against your intrusions of his privacy. Unfortunately you've started a cat-and mouse game. You want to police his phone/social media and he wants it private.

    It would be best if you reflected on this dynamic and think about why there are so many 'ups and downs" in such a short time. Have you considered that the lame social media pics he has you so over-focused on is merely the tip of the iceberg as far as issues?
    I haven't snooped though his phone or anything, although the urge is there now! I found out because I had people message me asking if we were still together because they have friends in common and see he likes these photos.

    It's not that I want to police it, I guess I just see it as disrespectful and hurtful and he continues to do it.

    What do you mean by it's the tip of the iceberg? As in he's probably up to something, or that there's something else wrong in the relationship?

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He's not going to stop.

    Policing him or parenting him won't make him stop because he doesn't want to.

    You could ask him to stop yet again but how well did that work out the past few times?

    So, you have a decision to make. Presuming he will continue, do you want to be in this relationship?

    If someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.
    I can't decide if I just need to accept it and drop it, or if it really is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship. I'm trying to rationalise it but it's just not sitting right with me- being so secretive with your phone, making sure I never see the screen, getting messages at midnight-2am... surely that would cause anyone concern?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Llamalaura
    I can't decide if I just need to accept it and drop it, or if it really is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship. I'm trying to rationalise it but it's just not sitting right with me- being so secretive with your phone, making sure I never see the screen, getting messages at midnight-2am... surely that would cause anyone concern?
    Only you can decide these things.

    That's why I said you have a decision to make. Do you want to continue in this relationship knowing his behavior will not change?

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