Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 47

Thread: My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,602
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Is it his apt/house? Who is on the lease/deed? Do you both contribute or do you pay him rent? Why not get a side job that gets you out of the house? Also join some clubs and groups, especially support groups. Volunteer.

    With a side job you can save to move out and/or hire a cleaning service. Let him do his own cleaning, laundry etc. Don't do it and then have a melt down. Stop acting like the maid. Also consider getting out of go nowhere unbalanced situation. This is not about clothes on the floor and at some level you know this.
    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    he was like a tornado of mess and disrespect.
    I brought it up to him this morning before he headed into work, and he was just like "Oh, Sorry." And didn't care.
    I work from home so I am at the house all day
    just doesn't seem fair that I have to take extra time out of my work to do his extras.
    It's not easy to just leave. I'd have to move back in with my parents and put most of my things in storage

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,602
    Gender
    Male
    Lol, yes this:
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I would stop picking up after him, just kick his clothes into a corner and throw the wet towel on top.
    I'd also move out.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    deleted
    Posts
    1,639
    Oh, he does not want to have a bad day - too bad so sad!

    A housekeeper won't cut it - she wants domestic support from him directly. It's romantic.

    You've tried to talk to him. You could try counseling. After that, the only thing left is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile, or cut off sex.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,236
    I think wiseman made some wise points. I know in the past, I have been like you, my partner left town and low and behold, I was happier! That is a very telling experience.

    Why are you in this relationship?

    That question will help direct what you want. In the past, for me, I liked the good stuff, hoped the bad stuff would get better and frankly, i didnt want to be alone.

    Over time, in my situation, the bad things got worse, the good times were less frequent, and I started realizing he was never going to change, so holding on was limiting my potential to meet someone else.

    Moving out is pricey and will be hard, but you must own your own life. If that means biding your time to save or make arrangements, that's what you have to do....

    in the mean time I'd stop cleaning up after him as another said, kick his stuff to the side. Force the conversation in that way.

    And i just have to add, what are you doing with a guy that urinates on the floor? Is this a grown, healthy man? what the actual what?!?!? And you're cleaning it up? What won't you accept in this relationship?

    I think you need to do some soul searching and accept some responsibility here.... 1. for how you got here and 2. how you're going to get yourself out.

    he sounds like a real prize... not. wake up, gf! you can do better 1000%

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,454
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Oh, he does not want to have a bad day - too bad so sad!

    A housekeeper won't cut it - she wants domestic support from him directly. It's romantic.

    You've tried to talk to him. You could try counseling. After that, the only thing left is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile, or cut off sex.
    I would have been disappointed if you hadn't mentioned cutting off sex, again.

    OP, deal with this head on, and no manipulations like" cutting off sex." This guy will not change. I don't understand why you have stayed in this piggy environment as long as you have!

    Time to look into a decent paying job, if your art is not paying off. That should be a hobby, not a career, if you cannot support yourself.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    23
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is from 2016:



    A bit later that year:



    When something has not changed in over 1,000 days, after many discussions, the place to find comfort, peace, and clarity is in accepting that it's not going to change. If your past threads are any indicator, he has been very consistent on this front, showing you who he is, how he handles both matters of cleanliness and talks about such matters. So that is all known, no point in making it a mystery, though I can understand the impulse. Easier, of course, to ask the question of "why can't he do the same?" than "why am I still in this kind of dynamic"?

    In terms of a solution? Well, if you're still invested in staying in this relationship, why not just hire a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly cleaner? Seems like a no-brainer.

    I admit I will always shirk at phrases like "it's not easy to just leave." Who said such choices, or life in general, were supposed to be easy? So putting it that way, to me, speaks of wanting the comfort of feeling "trapped" or "disrespected," in enjoying that identity, even if subconsciously. Might be something to explore in yourself, to tap into your own power so the behavior and choices of other people aren't so overwhelming.

    After all, if anywhere in his mind he believes you're too scared to leave him, regardless of how he behaves, why on earth would he have any incentive to take your frustrations seriously?

    It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

    I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,454
    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

    I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.
    Then you have no right to complain, if YOU are choosing to stay. Either you accept him for who he is, or go.

    What are you afraid of? Is it because you will have to get a job?

    He has shown you for five years that he won't get better. Get out of the land of denial. He does not care and you enable him.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,454
    I see that he is also physically and emotionally abusive. Have you gotten any help for this? What do you get to o this relationship? Your mother offered you a place to go.

    You have been advised by your therapist and the people on this site (multiple times) to leave this guy. I don't understand why you continue to ask if you do not want to leave him- you went back after the first break up, and it is no better.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-24-2020 at 12:02 PM.

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    23
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Is he still violent and emotionally abusive?
    You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

    Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,454
    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

    Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...
    You went back to him, so it did not help. We all told you to get out.

    What do you get out of this? He is abusive and does not respect you. This will never change. Why do you stay?

    Time to help yourself!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-24-2020 at 12:17 PM.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •