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Thread: Continued from previous post

  1. #1

    Continued from previous post

    So I wrote previously about a guy that I am dating. We slept together fairly quickly and have had a great time. He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesnít know what he wants. I also am
    In a similar situation. I told him I donít want to be FWB and he told me that thatís cool and we wonít do that. Last time we went out we had a lovely time and felt a lot more
    Intimate than the times before.

    I didnít text him at all after as In the beginning I was texting first after each time we met up until he took the reigns and started texting me.

    Prior to this he told me he couldnít see me but since reached out and we went out at the weekend.

    Since then he has texted me first every day and I feel like itís an excuse to talk with me. Heís been asking more personal
    Questions than before yet I am still playing it cool as to not get hurt in case he doesnít want to take things further. I did also forget something at his that I told him didnít matter. But he was adamant to find it and return it to me. Although I insisted it didnít matter.

    Although we have slept together, how can I should that I am interested in something more, yet that I want to take it slow? I think we are both a bit scared given our precious relationship history and are both a little scared to get too serious with each other. I could be wrong but I need some advice as to what to do.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think the best thing to do is to have a talk with him and express to him what you've said here.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    What would happen if you didnít do anything except be open and vulnerable as the thing unfolds? It sounds like what you want is already organically happening to me.

    Anytime you need to make a decision about what to do in this new relationship, focus and come from a place of confidence and honesty and see what happens!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by daphnedenis
    Although we have slept together, how can I should that I am interested in something more, yet that I want to take it slow?
    The simplest way is to say exactly that, while explaining, from a place of confidence, what you need to feel comfortable in taking it slow without feeling as if it's all vague. Perhaps take a minute to figure out what that isóusing this thread, if need be, to get some clarity before speaking to him. Like, why don't you try to tell us what that you'd like to say to him? Maybe that would help.

    Once you express that, he'll respond how he responds, in a way that makes you comfortable to keep exploring things, or not. Both are wins, because they are truths coming in the wake of honest communication rather than quiet assumptions, reading between the lines of texts and social media. The key is being honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want, which I think you struggle with. If you're both afraid to get close and afraid of losing himówell, that just keeps you frozen in this place that isn't very comfortable as it is.

    What's tough, at the moment, is that you're kind of playing games without meaning toópretending to be "cooler" than you are while, inside, you'e boiling a bit, and so even the most basic exchanges with him ("What's up?" "I'll bring you your shirt on Friday.") become tests that corrode the connection. You doubt his sincerity in texting you, in asking personal questions, and I'd say that's largely because you yourself are being insincere with him, playing a kind of role that masks who you really are, what you really want.

    Think about that for a moment. Yeah, being the "cool girl" has gotten you some attention and sizzle from a "cool guy," who you hang with, text with, are interested in, and yet it's all triggering more insecurity and anxiety than joy, calm, and curiosityóthe real ingredients for expanding connections. Wherever this goes, there's a good lesson there. If the price of romance, be it casual or serious, is not being your authentic self, is romance, in any form, really worth it? The exciting part should not be feeling as if you're about to get hurt or that you have to hide yourself to keep someone attracted to you.

    I can understand, of course, why you'd be nervous right now. This guy, not long ago, made it very clear he's not interested in a deep connection. And probably part of you wonders if he'd be hanging with you at all had you not reached out after some IG action. So it goes. You just have to own all thatóa little mess, but romance is sometimes a little messyóbecause all that is how you got to this place. Is there a chance his feelings have shifted? Sure. But what's most important is that you own how you feel, and find confidence in that rather than trying to play chess to get him to feel certain feelings. He will feel whatever he feels. His job on the planet is not to want what you want, but to just be himself, as yours is to be yourself.

    This is real vulnerability, rather than cultivating a version of vulnerability through being intimate (physically, emotionally) inside a system that makes you feel at risk of pain. The potential for painófor being hurt by "serious" feelingsóis always there in romance, in relationships. You can't build a connection from being afraid of that pain, but being open to the risk, so if he's too scared and you're too scaredówell, that's just bad timing, a bad match, because the point of all this isn't to find someone who will "never" hurt you but to find someone who you're willing to risk some pain in exchange for getting close to, and who feels the same about you.

    Make sense?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Play it by ear since you both don't know what you want but there is attraction and you're having a good time. Stop playing games. Preemptive strikes never work. Be yourself not the 'cool girl' who then gets hurt and wonders why. The best way not to get hurt is to simply not over-invest emotionally as much as you already are.
    Originally Posted by daphnedenis

    We slept together fairly quickly and have had a great time. He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesnít know what he wants.

    Prior to this he told me he couldnít see me but since reached out and we went out at the weekend.

    I am still playing it cool as to not get hurt in case he doesnít want to take things further.

  7. #6
    I want to tell him that I was looking for something casual until I met him. That I slept with him because I thought it would be casual but within that Iíve discovered we are on the same page about a lot of things and that I do like him more each time I see him. I also want him to know that I am scared of committing or labelling so soon but I only want to date him and I would like that to me a mutual thing to see how it goes

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not simply have the exclusive talk? All this heavy relationship talk is over the top and premature. He's not your therapist. Do not inflict past issues into this. He's basically a stranger who already told you he doesn't want much. Tell all these inner conflicts to a therapist and don't date "casually" if you can't handle it.
    Originally Posted by daphnedenis
    I want to tell him that I was looking for something casual until I met him. That I slept with him because I thought it would be casual but within that Iíve discovered we are on the same page about a lot of things and that I do like him more each time I see him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Honestly, I'd find someone else to start fresh with once you're ready to date (seems kinda obvious you aren't right now). There's nothing wrong with taking things slow. Making the suggestion after having sex often results in a convoluted mess, though. Imagine being Devin Hester scoring a touchdown on a 107 yard return only to be told by the coach afterward to not score so quickly next time. Over simplified, but navigating the boundaries will likely be frustrating for him and you probably will get tired of establishing and asserting yours while he's too reserved / concerned to explore as you'd like him to.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesnít know what he wants.

    Bet he didn't tell you that before you had sex. When a guy starts saying these sorts of things to you, LISTEN. He's holding up a big sign saying that: Now that I've gotten what I want, sex, I'm not feeling it to want want to put in the normal efforts it takes to build a beautiful relationship. I better tell her what not to expect.

    He reaches out when nothing more interesting has popped up for the day, but when it does happen, believe me, you'll be placed on the back burner.

    IMO, people who are scared and can't date at a normal pace are not in the right headspace to date.

    How would a person in the right mindset think? Every try at romance is a leap of faith. When you're dating, you see over time if you're compatible in all the major ways or not. You are able to spot and walk away from dealbreakers/red flags. If he's not who you want in a relationship, you walk away as soon as you see the dealbreaker. If he matches you, you hope for the best and give it your all. If it doesn't work out, you will survive, mourn, heal, and move on.

    I, myself, would never date some quivering violet, putting up barriers, putting pressure on me that if things didn't work out, the dumpee would crumble into a million pieces. A person like that attracts users, bullies, and manipulators.

    Be alone until you can be stronger than you are now. Don't have sex until you've seen a man putting in the effort to really get to know you, because obviously you want longterm, not short-term, and make sure his dating goals are the same as yours.

    It shouldn't be a goal to avoid getting hurt, because it's a part of life nobody can avoid. The trick is to date people who are showing you they have the ability to be great partners, and that's all the control you have. Hold out for a guy who is clear he's into you and wants you all to himself. The guy you've been having sex with and trying to find crumbs in his texts and measly actions to show you he cares is extreme wishful thinking on your part. You're worthy of so much more.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I agree with J.man, as in it's too late to lock the barn after the horse is already out. There are many things you just can't put back together, and this is one of them, (imo).

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