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Thread: Help needed: Why I still believe this is relationship?!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2019

    Help needed: Why I still believe this is relationship?!

    Dear all,
    I need help to find the best way to step forward in life, to find myself.

    I am in this relationship for 2,5 years, but it is getting worse and worse....one part of me knows, that after such a time, this is not a partnership, the other part still believes there is love, for which it is worth to fight for...
    we met when I moved to new country, new city... we started to spend more and more time together (travelling, hiking in mountains)..sometimes he surprised me with a flowers, he took me to the see... I started to see in him a very nice and carying person, with whom I can can build a nice relationship...it came, that I got a new job in neighboiur country... we discussed what shoudl I do. stay in this town and drive daily to work or move to this country...when I look back, I wanted to stay, but then, I moved...moved as he said he will find a job there and he will move too....I found a very nice apartment in a location perfect for him (surrounded with mountains)....he is a person, used to do sport every single day (training hard like a pro), he goes to mountains regulary (meaning every weekend)
    After a year being together ( not living together) I started to ask him, when I will meet his friends, his family...he met my family, my friends..it started to bother me, that I do not know anybody in his life... after some time, he organized that I came to his family... their parents are rich, both are doctors and from first impression I got, very "kapital"oriented...I did not feel and warmth or love. They did not ask me anything about me, only what they asked me if I am doing sports and planning things... my friend was quite different in their presence...I met also his brother and sister..no one really talked with me or was interested in me...his father was a holder of discussion, mother was aside (bit thus was only seen so, I realized she has my friend unter total controlafter that I saw thenm only once (when I picked him up)...him mother asked me who likes mountains more, his father if I am planning things in life....

    After a year he started to push me to do sports a intensive as he does... I like sports, I love nature, but to train until pain is too hard..this is not me...I also have problems with circulation and my legs hurt me... so I am relatively slow in mountains... since I did not reach his plans and results , I was always too slow, too lazy, I have no idea what sport is, he started to be very bad towards me in words..I started to be stupid, crazy, that I need to go to psyhiatric hospital....

    He came to me every wekeend and each was spent in mountains...I was always too slow...he was always pushing me, not accepting that I cannot be as fast as he is, he did not want to hear, that more important is that we are in nature, that we move....

    he did not move, so we were together for weekends,,, he paid sometimes food, but rest of the costs he said are mine...even when he was months with me (he had an injury and was on a sickleave) in my apartment, he did not contribute anything...he just demanden to train every day hard: during working days he gave me minutes after coming home and then he pushed me to train... many times I thought my heart will explode....

    we fight a lot (in words)... I am trying to explain to him my view of partnership, but he is saying his way or no way and that it is only on me, that I need to change... meaning need to train and bring expected results..

    As I was not happy with a job , I found new one..in the country/city I was before (where I meet him)... now we are living in the same city...he is in the apartment I rented almost every day, but he still kept room he is renting (he lives in shared apartment)... his work enables him to work form home 8he is in IT), so he is using my flat as a office too...I asked him if he will start to contribute with costs, but he said no, why should I ...even if he is here all teh time, he believes that since I signed renting contract, he does not need to pay anything..well, he buys food from time to time...

    I organized moving by myself..he did not help.. I was stupid again and stayed in city with mountains until last moment...then I moved..it was really hard, moving all the stuff, organizing that previous apartment was painted and cleaned (no help form him even he lived there too)... he just critized me that I do not train enough or almost nothing.....

    I am also arguing, why I need always to drive, he does not (only when he is driving alone)... explanation my car uses less fuel and is better...I wanted that we share driving- once I once he, but he only say I can pay...he simply does not accept that not everything can be bught... well at the end he aslo does not contribute for fuels costs.....

    He does not do anything.... cleaning apartment, washing clothes is a waste of time... at his family they clean when it is really messy, they wash clother every three months....focus is to train as this is a key factor to be healthy...

    few months ago he said, that he needs to reach parents expectations and that training is what is a must... I told him that I cannot live life his parents define,,,moreover that every person should go own way, not parents way...

    he is 38 years old, I am few years older.... he is telling me I am depending on parent, but I think he is ..indeed I call my parents regulary, not as he (well in reality when he is with me, his phone is muted and in case any call comes, he does not answer, even he put it on flight mode)....

    Now he went home (his car, still registered to his mother has problems, so he decided to go home to give car to repar in home town,,, I was a bit angry, because we do not have any discussion on plans, he just do what he wants... he calls me evenings, but tells me nothing... today he just say that he will stay home a bit more... I was angry and trying to explain this is not how partnership should be.... he said that I am working and also not training, so why shloudl be he coming back since he can worke remote....

    A month ago I had an accident..a bit weird, but I got burnings on both legs from iced snow (at sleeding)... the wunds ar enot yet cured and doctor said it will take time.. I have hige pain, especially at night and in the morning... I can do sports less than before, I cannot wear winter boots for mountaing..he does not care, again only comment I am lazy, I do not train and moreover I am clumsy....

    everything must be as he wants, training must be hard and results daily..he says that I am not advancing in live, only he is..he does not see, that I am suffering, that I am missing expression of care and love...when I try to speak about this, when I emotionally explode, his comments are that I am not normal, I am stupid and at the end that I need to change; I need to prove I can train and bring results....

    Last week I was so angy at him, he was again humuliating me, I just said that there are doors and he can leave-he loooked at me and said if I am freally crazy..why he should go, he said... I should shut up and give him peace, taht he is busy... I asked him, since nothing is good from my side ( well I cook very good and do everything -cleaning/washing/ driving) why is he with me... why if he even does not love me anymore (this is how I see)..he said he loves me and that he still hopes I will start to train with results and where he should go if not to me (I said he has a place to live, a room he rent)...I suggested that we should be sometimes also there, not just in my apatrtment and he said that this is crazy...

    we do not have any friends...he says people are uselles and mostly all are idiots....when I say I miss theatre and coffe time with friends, he says I should rather thinking how will I train... everything else is waste of time..training is health...his parents are very slim and I should be too ( I can say that my legs are problematic, but forst I need to heal wunds and my circulation, then I will be albe to loose fat on legs (rest of the body is ok)

    he is spending a lot of money for his clothes and sports equipent and mountains... I do not know how much he earns..he said this is something I am not allowed to know...on the other side, it is only right to knbow how much I earn....

    I can say it is not easy to start life in foreign country, town where you do not have friends... but I need to open my eyes... I love him , but he is taking me as piece of ...., he is taking everything for granted (cooking, washing, cleaning), he acts like everything is his and that he has only right view on life....

    I am so lost... one little piece of me is saying to wake up... love yourself, take control of your life...build back selfesteem...start meeting other people.....but I still cannot turn and go... he can manipulate, be bad towards me..and I am still believing in love..he does not give me what I need (emotionally)as a woman, he ignores my pain anc cry..he only says I am making hard time...and that I am not progressing in life...he just cannot accept he is also making mistakes, that he as a man should nurture woman in me...he just sees him, his parents... he said that relationship is agreement.. you need to define conditions and if you waht changes, you need to prove them to be better....

    sometimes I am asking what is needed, that I will be able to start seing the real picture.... I want to have partnership, but real one, I want to have in life someone that loves me as I am and someone I will have good future...

    What can I do? How can I bring my life back and find a power to either give him straings conditions and timelines or to say stop and start steps for better happier life?

    I was a happy person, surrounded with some good friends, now I am only seing him....

    Thank you for help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    Get rid of him. This is not a good or healthy influence. He's manipulative, insecure, misogynistic and plain insulting (an insult to his entire sex and the human species). I am normally not one to condemn one over another but I don't see anything good in this man. I also don't think you need him. Stop depending on him to make you feel better and stop anticipating that he will be a better man.

    You shouldn't be giving anyone conditions or timelines to change. That's not your responsibility. You're barely taking care of yourself as it is. Focus on you and stay positive. It will get better as soon as he's gone.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    It would be best to break up and find a better man. You're unhappy. He treats you like a motel, chauffeur and servant not a girlfriend.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Thank you- I wish to be strong, pack all his things and say him to go... I cannot, even I know I am doing harm initially to myself..if he would really care about me, he woudl act totally different. And not just abusing....he says he is giving a lot: good advices, plans, how to train......anyhow, at the end of the day I need to start helping myself to become strong again, to get back self-esteem...
    yet I am sad for this happening-it should be simply nice and I know I deserve someone good..


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