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Has anyone felt ashamed for breaking no contact?


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It's been almost 2 weeks since my boyfriend of almost 4 years disappeared into thin air. We had what I believed was a good relationship, talked about marriage, but when we had disagreements, he would get angry and not speak to me for days on end. This happened on several occasions, if I said something he did not like, he would storm out and usually, 4-5 days later, I would end up calling him, and we would work through it. His usual response was that this is just the way he is and it's hard for him to change. I would find myself telling him how much it hurt and yet, it still happened about every six months. The last time was around the holidays. He was dealing with a recent death in the family. About a month later got upset over something I said that was totally unrelated and stopped speaking to me. I told him I could not do this anymore. I missed him and called him on New Year's Day. He told me he still loved me, and still wanted things to work, he still wanted the relationship and would call me the next day to talk about how we could go forward. I never heard from him.

 

 

About a week later, after crying my eyes out, wondering if something had happened to him, not knowing if this was his usual routine, or if he was ever going to call me, I sent him a text and told him I was moving on with my life. He never responded. I felt like a fool. I then focused on moving on with no contact and trying to understand how he could do this after the years we spent together. I came to the realization that I might never know and started to slowly get a little better. The crying stopped and I felt like getting out of the house today.

 

 

Enter a friend that I was sharing this with today, who began telling me that maybe something had happened to him; that this is out of character for him to just disappear like this after saying he wanted to work on things and never call. When we weren't going through his tantrums, we spoke every day; the friend said that perhaps something had happened to him; he was dealing with the recent death of a family member; that my text had shut the door, how I should make one call to see if he is ok and if he is then so be it. I began to second guess myself and all of the thoughts of the past week came back: What if something was wrong and I did not follow up or call; why would he say he did not want to end things and then disappear; I came home nervous and right back at that place - should I call? Finally, I made the call; it rang 5 times and went to voicemail. I did not leave a message, but I became so nervous that 3 hours later, I repeated it again, and it went to voicemail. I started thinking that if he did not want to talk to me, wouldn't he have blocked me? What if he is sitting there staring at my number on a date laughing? This has really destroyed all my efforts and progress and I feel humiliated and ashamed. I just don't know what to think.

 

Help me please!

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I have. I cut contact with my ex two days ago, blocked her number and told her I'm done with her. She always would keep me strung along, and she didn't know that she wanted to be with me or not. It still hurts me really deeply, and I still think about her. But I know now that I can't stay in contact with her, or else I'll get hurt again.

 

It sounds to me that you both had a pretty up and down relationship going on, and also sounds to me like borderline toxic. For him to get mad at you, then storm out and not talk to you for days, that's not what a real man does. Personally, I can never see me doing that to my S.O. I never left my ex hanging, I always was at her beck and call when she needed me. She was always the one ghosting me. Based on what I can see about your relationship, it's better to move on and cut contact. It's not going to get any better. Start to think about the negatives in the relationship instead of the positives; that's what has helped me move on easier. Four years is quite some time to be with someone, you won't just recover from that overnight. My relationship was only 7 months with my ex and I'm hurt just about as bad enough; if I remained with my ex for four years I would have been hurt all the way down to my bones. Remain no contact, and move on. There is nothing wrong with going no contact with an ex who hurt you, especially one who doesn't really want to be with you and stringing you along, which it sounds to me like this guy did to you. You're looking for someone who loves you right? That isn't love at all. Loving someone means always being there for them, caring for them, nurturing them, and never giving up. He seems to be doing none of that so honestly, what is there to miss about him? Think about that.

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THe short answer is the vast majority of people feel ashamed of breaking NC, but it is almost as necessary as NC is in the first place. Breaking NC tends to challenge our own feelings on the matter and whether contact has been made or not, it pushes us harder into NC and not breaking it again. It does also tend to speed healing, making it clearer in the mind that this was the right thing to have happened.

 

Push on.

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Sorry to hear this. Does he he have drinking or drug problems? Are any of his people alcoholics or drug users? This was far from a "good relationship" since it was volatile, combative and abusive.

 

Someone who repeatedly walks out of your life for days/weeks at a time in an angry fit is someone you need to get rid of for good. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Take time to reflect on the volatile abusive nature of this. Read up on red flag for abusive relationships.

 

Consider also making an appointment with a therapist to explore why you stayed in this as well as any damage staying in this type of situation has cause. Also learn what healthy relationships and mature communication looks like.

we had disagreements, he would get angry and not speak to me for days on end. This happened on several occasions, if I said something he did not like, he would storm out and usually, 4-5 days . I would end up calling him. I missed him and called him

 

going through his tantrums, we spoke every day

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This is not a relationship material guy. The way someone deals with conflict and adversity is how you see how they really are in a relationship and if it will have healthy longevity. He's manipulative, immature, disrespectful and toxic.

 

Breaking NC gives you a sense of relieve just the first minutes, after it it's normal to feel nervous and ashamed because you're not enforcing your boundaries and self respect.

 

I had a guy once who broke up with me very abruptly by text and just moved on with someone else. I did everything you shouldn't do: begged, pleaded, texted, called and justified my atrocious post break up behaviour with how he treated me and how I felt he wronged me. But everytime I broke NC I felt very ashamed and made me feel worse. It only stopped when I decided that it was not up to him giving me closure nor was his responsibility how I felt. And so I blocked and deleted him (not because he contacted me or anything, but because it gave me control of the situation and eliminated possible tentations of contacting him or checking his social media).

 

So yes, it's perfectly normal to feel ashamed when breaking NC because deep down you know the best for your healing is not contacting them, specially if they don't care.

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Thank you for your words of support. When he it is truly a struggle moving on because when he was a good boyfriend during the first 2 years, he was a good guy; that's why this is so hurtful.

 

Well you said he told you this is how he deals with conflicthe deals with conflict if that’s true then to be fair he was never a ‘good guy’

 

His actions are highly abusive and I’m not even saying he truly realizes how damaging it is but it is incredibly damaging.

 

Many people need space after conflict, but days at a time? That’s punishment. And let me guess when he finally decided to grace you with his presence you were so happy to finally hear from him again the argument was over right?

 

I’m so very sorry that friend advised you what they did because it is literally the worst advice that you could’ve gotten. This is a man who makes it a habit of disappearing and reappearing at his convenience so what if he got hit by a car this is why we don’t just disappear on our love ones, Because under normal parameters when you don’t hear from a loved one it is only because something terrible happened so of course that’s where your mind went to it is highly manipulative and I’m sorry please get away from this guy and I get it I’m not even sure that it’s purposeful on his part I don’t know that he realizes how damaging it is but now you are aware so please please for your own mental sanity from someone who had it done to her get out

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After reading this posting, this is how I see it:

 

This seems to be a reoccurring pattern. You said every 6 months you get into a big fight. He doesnÂ’t contact you for several days. Then YOU reach out to him to smooth things over. This time, you got into a fight, you didnÂ’t hear from him for several days, then YOU reached out to smooth things over. Maybe he didnÂ’t want to continue the unhealthy cycle of the two of you arguing then making up. Perhaps, did you ever think that because he didnÂ’t get in touch with you for several days after each of these fights, that maybe that was his way of ending the relationship? IÂ’m not saying itÂ’s mature or the right way to do things at all, but maybe he knew no other way.

 

I think this is his way of ending it. I know you want to believe maybe something bad happened to him, but I think this is a sign to move on. Move on. You donÂ’t need this toxic relationship anymore. Do you really want to get into a huge fight with your boyfriend every 6 months for the rest of your life?

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What everyone else has said.

 

And just to make the point again: your friend, while well-meaning, is not someone offering good advice. That's some pot-stirring, drama-seeking advice.

 

As Keyman said, just about all of us have one (or two or 20) moments like this. In my case, with my ex, it came at about a month. She was pretty manipulative, prone to sending me hostile notes. Over social media, text, email; blocking her was a game of whack-a-mole.

 

It was so, so hard to get those notes and not respond. I knew responding was not healthy, but the unhealthy part of me wanted to engage. And, well, I did engage, once. I broke NC and sent her a pretty hostile response.

 

How did I feel after? Well, terrible and ashamed.

 

But, in retrospect, that was a great moment—not a step back in healing, but just a clumsy step forward. I did not want to feel terrible and ashamed, I knew that contact made me feel terrible and ashamed, and so the path forward was very clear: no more contact.

 

Let this be a moment of clarity for you, not a moment to beat yourself up. This man is no good for you—or, from what you've described, anyone.

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I can safely say almost everyone has broken NC and felt some shame associated with it.

 

Now if I am in that position I ask myself two questions. Usually I am tempted because the anxiety of not having contact is building.

 

So I ask myself ~ Is calling a good idea or am I doing it so just to lesson my anxiety? I can usually acknowledge it's a really bad idea and yes, I am doing to so stop the anxiety.

 

I challenge myself to just let the moment pass by and not give into temptation because from past experience(s) I have learned that when I do it, it's impulsive, I regret it and I have to start all over from square one. That and shame doesn't help an already difficult situation.

 

I choose to be kind to myself and that means that I don't break NC.

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after only 2 weeks only? eeeks... that's pretty needy.

 

Seriously? This is a 4-year long-term relationship. He vanished over some stupid tantrum. This isn't just someone she met on Tinder. Have some heart.

 

OP, I've been where you are! I had a 2+ year guy do that to me. The last time he did it, I.......let him. I was like, you know what? If he's going to act like a 2 year-old, I'm going to let him. I, too, waited 2 weeks, and then, I sent him an email telling him I'd mail him his stuff. If I'm being honest, I did want closure, and I knew he damn well wasn't going to give it to me, so I gave it to myself via that email. He came by, picked up his stuff, and his profile was active again almost immediately. He's now married to someone else, and I'd bet my next paycheck he's still stomping out, little boy style, whenever she says something he doesn't like. She can have him.

 

Stay NC, for you. Block it all, get him back his stuff, give yourself the gift of closure, and let this man-child find someone else.

 

In my case, I stayed because I was too afraid to rock the boat. I realized, looking back, it was eggshells. Is that what it is for you? And what does that bring up, for you, from childhood? It was a definite ding-ding-ding for me, from childhood. You won't be able to fully heal and move on until you work on that.

 

Virtual hugs to you. This is so freaking painful. I've been there.

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