Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 6 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 52

Thread: Was it cold feet or was it me?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    438
    Gender
    Female

    Was it cold feet or was it me?

    This is a follow on from my first thread that I posted about a month ago "Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?"

    A lot has happened following that during the month for me relating to personal self discovery and work challenges.

    Brief over view for those that don't know or can't remember... I thought the intial "break up" of him telling me he has cold feet and couldn't make me happy long term was due to him being embarrassed.

    Prior to that all had been "norma"l until his last incident of erectile dysfunction that I never addressed. So I assumed the break up was down to him not feeling like a "man" and able to "make me happy".

    We have not been in contact since the vague "break-up".

    I thought I would regret not reaching out to him at the time... A month on and I do really regret it but now know it's too late. So essentially nothing can be done now. So focusing on moving on.

    Looking back especially with the unfolding of the work related drama... I feel like maybe it was more than cold feet and may be all down to me!!!

    I guess I was so caught up with work and now it's finally hit an end point. I've now had time to think of other things. So he has crossed my mind lately and I've reflected on it all now a month later.

    Your perspective would be great. As it's going around in my head. Sometimes getting it out and having someone look at it less subjectively can be helpful.

    Not sure if this is the right section. But as it was to do with when we were "dating" and I am looking for advice on the run up. Guess here is the right place to post.

    So here goes...

    The last two weeks we dated... Work stress hit it's maximum. It was bad before but I would brush it off. Always made time for him before. And never spoke about it with him either as why bring negatives things into a new relationship.

    I had started getting more work from my manager. I ended up staying later and later at work.Getting late for dates ect.

    He also works in HR so understood my role. The most he said was I shouldn't be working more than I'm being paid for. On date night he would always work extra hours to match my time as we worked in the city together so seemed silly for him to go home to meet me after. He would always claim back those hours for work - he was shocked I didn't.

    I think I made a slight reference that things are tense with my manager. Never went into detail as I didn't want to burden him. Also was embarrassed about what was going on with my manager. So joked it off as always.

    So back to those last two weeks... It was the run up to my weekend away. He was keen to see me before. So he arranaged a lovely date at his. He cooked dinner. Got champagne. There was even roses. He went the whole nine yards. Even then I got to his late due to having work to do, he was fine with it. I ate, we chilled. I fell asleep so early that night due to being so exhausted with work. Didn't even shower twhich I always do before bedtime - so not me at all. Looking back: this could signal disinterest on my part? Which was not the case...

    Got ready for work the next day. He messaged something sweet the next day like how lucky he was to of found me. I sneaked a reply at lunch. Then we messaged as normal after work. Got to the stage work was busy and I couldn't chuck the odd message during a tea breaks anymore. Got home and fell asleep early that night!

    Anyway next day. Bussiest day I've had at work by this time. Didn't even get to reply to him till I left the office as I worked through lunch and finished till 9ish that evening. He seemed normal. But looking back and seeing how even guys on this forum question girls texting habbits. Maybe he thought that was odd? I don't know!

    The friday before my holiday. He asked me out on a date. I had to decline as I worked till 9 o'clock that night again. Then had to get home pack and get ready. I felt he understood, but again he was shocked I was working so late on a Friday.

    During my time away he was lovely. So attentive. The "I miss you" texts. The send me pics of what you are up to. Stay safe ect. Hinting about a massive Mario game sesh when I was back. So all in all super normal.

    Despite being busy at work I saw him as being attentive... But thinking back maybe he saw me as being distant? Didn't cross my mind till now. It all felt normal with him pushing for contact and dates.

    When I was back he pushed for the date we had the Friday. So I went over. Exhausted yet again. Fell asleep early after the "ED incident".

    Then the pulling away happened following that. Then the following week was the "break-up".

    Those two weeks I was so unhappy with work. I thought I covered it up well. It only took resigning and one of my colleagues saying that the last month and a half I've seemed so unhappy. Made me think... Maybe he saw that too? I had been hiding it well as my family hadn't noticed (minus my mum - you can't hide things from her!) or close friends. Thought I was hiding it well enough from him. As when I was with him, family and friends I was so happy away from work. Although it got to the stage where I was getting anxious about going into work the next day.

    The date before my holiday when he laid out an amazing meal and date. When I fell asleep I jumped out my sleep a couple times during the night which he noticed! Which was new for me with the work anxiety. Since being away from work it has stopped happening. Maybe he felt I wasn't comfortable with him? As it hadn't happened before.

    I am curious if my actions may have given him cold feet. Maybe he thought I wasn't interested with the lateness to dates. The not seeming "happy". I was thinking coupled with his PE incident and the couple ED bouts maybe he really thought I was unhappy with him! As he didn't know how unhappy I was with work!

    I am rambling and overthinking like most other posters when it comes to our own issues. It was my colleague flagging up my unhappiness that got me really thinking. So a fresh set of eyes would be nice.

    Also would you have discussed the work thing? I didn't feel like I wanted to burden him with it. I liked how our dates and time spent together was light and airy. So didn't want to get heavy with work drama with him.

    Would you guys have handled things differently than I did?

    Please none of the comments... "I should be over him by now!" I don't think I had a time to address the "breakup" emotionally what with other life dramas. So I'm just dealing with it now. Better late than never as they say.

    Just looking for advice and your perspective on my actions during the run up to the breakup. As I would like to learn from the experience.

    Wouldn't want a new guy I meet in the future that I connected with feel like I was being "distant" and "not happy". Want to learn if I should have acted differently. All about growing from past experiences after all!

    I could just be merely overthinking while going through the "acceptance" stage a little later down the line.

    Thanks in advance guys :)

  2. #2
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    438
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry guys

    I have a habbit of writing awful essays!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,055
    Gender
    Male
    Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment. Maybe I'll post if I feel up for being vulnerable.

    Anyhow, onto you.

    My sense is that, as you're realizing, you were way more stressed out than you knew. That happens. Lots. Often. It's basically life, and I think one thing we all work on learning as we get older is how to manage stress, whatever the source, so it doesn't get in the way of other important things. Personally, I've lost one big relationship, and a number of almost relationships, because I didn't realize how much I was allowing work to atrophy my emotional bandwidth. I've made some changes from those lessons.

    So, yeah, I'm sure this had some effect—or at least you make a very convincing case above that it did.

    That said, that's where you were, who you were, when you met him, when you guys were exploring things. At the end of the day, relationships work because we can meet people where they are and be met with where we are in a way that produces calm and warmth and excitement. It's so tricky, because those early moments are so fragile and timing is very real.

    I'm curious: Are you considering reaching out? Or are you just looking for lessons moving on and forward? Be honest!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    6,945
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment.
    OK bc, gonna call you out a bit on this; per your last post on OceanMoon's thread, the one I responded to, wherein you posted that fire in woman's belly confronting you, pushing you a bit, turns you on.

    So may I ask why you're still in a spin with your "sort of" ex? Why not take your own advice and confront, let her see that fire in YOUR belly, telling her you think she's being a bit ridiculous (again per your post on OM's thread)?

    I don't recall reading that you ever did that, you just sort of allow yourself to remain in this "spin," the unknown, the uncertainty.

    Does remaining in that state of uncertainty feel safer to you or something? Given what you posted on OM's thread, I find that interesting.

    Apologies for the hijack JB! But maybe applies to you too?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Age
    62
    Posts
    4,754
    Gender
    Male
    Well, you've quit your job, and unless you're in another stressful, exhausting job where you're absolutely wiped out to the point you can't even stay awake during a date, you should do a lot better dating the next time.

    The guy you were dating was a bit weird, perhaps moving too quickly into a relationship and having sexual problems. But I admit the first time I had sex I had a similar experience as he did. And I didn't climax about half the times when I was with my girlfriend either. I had condoms that slipped off that freaked me out. She got on top of me one time before I had gotten the condom on and I had to throw her off. I was worried about getting her pregnant all the time. And there was the pressure of having to do it quickly before anyone came home. There's also the loss of feeling using a condom I didn't like and seemed to make things difficult

    There were just all sorts of things I was worrying about that affected my enjoyment of it and the ability to perform. It wasn't really until my wife came along and her going on The Pill that I was able to relax and enjoy it. Ironically, when she went off The Pill in her 40s and we tried various forms of birth control, I liked the female condom better than the others. You can lubricate both sides and there's a lot less worry about it slipping off. It might have saved your boyfriend some of his anxiety since you're the one who puts it in. He doesn't have to do anything up show up. I recommend you looking into it the next time.

    So I don't know what you could have done differently. Maybe nothing. Hopefully you'll get a job that's a lot less stressful and a boyfriend who can relax better too.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    29,974
    Gender
    Male
    Great advice from DanZee. Is this the same guy? :[Register to see the link]

  8. #7
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    438
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment. Maybe I'll post if I feel up for being vulnerable.

    Anyhow, onto you.

    My sense is that, as you're realizing, you were way more stressed out than you knew. That happens. Lots. Often. It's basically life, and I think one thing we all work on learning as we get older is how to manage stress, whatever the source, so it doesn't get in the way of other important things. Personally, I've lost one big relationship, and a number of almost relationships, because I didn't realize how much I was allowing work to atrophy my emotional bandwidth. I've made some changes from those lessons.

    So, yeah, I'm sure this had some effect—or at least you make a very convincing case above that it did.

    That said, that's where you were, who you were, when you met him, when you guys were exploring things. At the end of the day, relationships work because we can meet people where they are and be met with where we are in a way that produces calm and warmth and excitement. It's so tricky, because those early moments are so fragile and timing is very real.

    I'm curious: Are you considering reaching out? Or are you just looking for lessons moving on and forward? Be honest!
    That's my fear life is stressful and I don't want to be in that situation that I lose a potentially great relationship.

    I'll going on to start a PhD in the new year. I don't that stress for me to hinder the dating process in the early days.

    I do think it may have some effect. But also may have had a lot to him and his own secruities. I am just in that accepting stage.

    I do believe it is too late for me to reach out. I've never reached out to an ex before. So wouldn't want to open that up.

    I regret I didn't reach out a month ago... but the past is the past. So I can't change that now.

    I think I'm looking for a lesson.

    Like I said life is stressful... So the real question is "Would you tell a new partner about external stress I life?"

  9. #8
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    438
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Apologies for the hijack JB! But maybe applies to you too?
    Haha it's okay hijack away!

    I'm interested in BC's answer. Not sure if it applies to me. As much as I would like too reach out. I feel like it is too late.

    So maybe it's best I use this as a lesson for next time.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,055
    Gender
    Male
    I don't mean to push you Jelly—especially (winking at you, k) because I might be slyly using this thread to push myself—but a month is a grain of sand. Just saying. Especially if you only dated for 2.5 months. Especially if you'd like to reach out because he resonates with you in a way that feels unique. Sure, maybe that resonance is loneliness. But what if its stardust that just couldn't quite be harnessed a few months ago?

    Like I said, timing is real, and sometimes things do circle back around, especially when you haven't been with someone long enough for all sorts of screwy dynamics to sink in and take hold. That said, if his own insecurities also give you pause—because, yeah, he's got his sh*t too, as you've got yours—that's something to consider.

    Again, just saying. Ignore that, if needed. Or, hey, push me back and maybe I'll crack more and we can cry on each other's shoulders and emerge stronger.

    THAT said, to the lessons!

    Obviously, the utopia in which no one actually live in is a world of no stress. The second best utopia, which no one lives in either, is the world in which stress never gets the best of us. Then, after that, we have that place where we all live: reality, that messy, wonderful place.

    Stress is part of the place, so it's something, yes, we share with new partners. Now, to be clear: there is a difference between sharing it and offloading/unloading it onto new partners.

    To me—and I relate to this—it sounds like you kind of wanted to deal with all your stress in one compartment so you could be all rainbows and unicorns in the other compartment. You were so worried about unloading it that, in kind of hiding it, the stress was compounded and slipped in anyway.

    How to learn from that, moving forward? Well, we all work on managing stress through life. At 39 I have 10 times the stress points I had at 29. Back then it was basically work spiked with the existential question of will my life ever mean anything; today it is work, two mortgages, my mother's health, my friends' marriages, the grim reaper of the tax man, to say nothing of those same existential questions which take on a nuclear-grade glow at the crest of midlife.

    But I handle it all a lot better. I'm a pretty chill dude. I once was not. I had to lose some things, some loves, to work on that chill. I had to realize—and I was late to the game on this one—that nothing really matters if you're not sharing it with people you love.

    Early in dating we all want to be super awesome and super sexy all the time. And the fun of early dating is that we often do! But, well, sometimes that's hard, like when you worked late, show up late for a dinner, and are kind too stressed and exhausted to do anything but crash. So, right there, is actually a moment to be more open, more vulnerable. To let someone know where you are, right there, rather than see if you can suppress that or levitate back up to cloud 9 with the help of some champagne. Sometimes a warm talk about what's going on in life is just as hot as a romp in the sheets.

    I so struggled with that when I was young. I thought I always had to be an awesome super stud, Mr. Fun, Mr. Awesome, and when work got in the way of that I kind of combusted. I went into a little hole, shut people out, and then emerged when I could put on the Fun Show. Or I stuttered and flailed and ed about work—offloading. Neither worked.

    Now I can say things like, "Hey, I'm crazy about you, so into this, but here's the thing: I have a project that is going to devour me for the next 6 days. I won't be as communicative, because I need to put a bit more of my head up my own a** to get this done. I'd love to see you once or twice during the week, if you're cool with getting sweatpants/half present me, and come day seven we can do something awesome."

    Or something like that, you know? At the end of the day, everyone loves imperfect more than perfect.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    6,945
    JB, you said you're looking for learning experiences, and imo you do this by taking risks, challenging yourself, stepping away from your "comfort zone."

    It's obvious you are still thinking about him, your RL and how it ended, so why not take the risk and reach out wishing him happy holidays? You might also want to say you weren't comfortable with how things went down between you at the end and would he like to have a drink to (1) celebrate the holidays, and (2) to perhaps discuss?

    I realize that's a very bold approach, and yes you're taking a risk by doing that but I've done that or similar and actually had men respond very well to it.

    I dunno jmo but what do you have to lose? Literally nothing, except perhaps one second of disappointment if he doesn't respond or turns you down.

    But at least then you'll know, and per your previous thread, won't be walking around for the rest of your life wondering "what if."

    And no it's never too late to reach out letting someone know you're thinking about them regardless of who ended it, imo.

    And as I mentioned in your previous thread, I thought the way he ended it was quite ambiguous anyway, I know others disagreed and that's fine too.

    If he had been more direct, flat out telling you he didn't wish to date you anymore, or words to that effect, my advice might be different, but that's not what how it went down.

    Anyway, JMO of course. I would.

Page 1 of 6 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •