Saying I love you....

Hi all, was just looking for some different perspectives on a matter that I'm sure has come up for us all.

Recently my bf and I were hanging out, when he caught me quite off guard. He said he loved me. Now I have been thinking about the same, but haven't felt ready to say it yet. We've been seeing eachother for 3 months, and have known eachother for a few years. And I know people say it at different times, it's all individual... etc. The first time he said it he slipped in conversation and I continued the conversation without acknowledging it, as I was kind of taken aback. Later he was kissing me, and said it very sincerely. At this point I felt I had to say it back... I don't regret it per se, but I do feel like it was too soon.

Just wondering what others have done in this situation? How do you not say it back without hurting someones feelings? It's not that I don't feel it, I just don't feel ready to use those three words as they mean a lot to me.

Thanks in advance

It depends where your relationship is and what it is. FWB?, Exclusive dating?, Not sexual yet?, Casual, just hanging out?, Short term/going nowhere? Don't see a future. etc. And if you want him to stick around or feel shut out and why. If you are not feeling it, maybe it's time to consider why and perhaps rethink this friends-to-lovers situation.

It's important not to have verbal or emotional diarrhea, but it's just as important not to have verbal or emotional constipation. If you attach much more monumental value to telling someone you love them perhaps rethink your feelings and ability to express them. It's not like he asked for a kidney.

he first time he said it he slipped in conversation and I continued the conversation without acknowledging it, as I was kind of taken aback. Later he was kissing me, and said it very sincerely. At this point I felt I had to say it back... I don't regret it per se, but I do feel like it was too soon. I just don't feel ready to use those three words as they mean a lot to me.

At 3 months, I knew it was infatuation on both parts, and that if our relationship continued to work, the infatuation would eventually grow into love. That said, I was happy at 3 months to say and hear I Love You as it's a lovely sentiment. To me it's a bonding action with no downside to it. If you're one of those people who systemize things in black and white, you might want to think about the benefits of the gray area and mellowing out. If you now tell him, "I said I Love You too soon, so just so you know, I'll be withholding those words until I really feel them," he will likely feel far differently about you, and it won't be good.

It depends as you've known each other for years! Maybe meant he felt more at ease to say it so soon.

Is three months too soon? I don't think so. Depends on the situation. I mean you've heard of people marrying each other after knowing each other for three months and live happily ever after.

If that's how he feels then embrace it. Just be honest with him if you don't feel that way too. Sounds like you have some feelings for him so just go with it.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together or have known each other, if you don't feel you're ready to say "I love you"...don't say it.

It's not a requirement to say it back if someone says it to you. All you need to say is what you said here. "I'm not quite ready to say those words right now".

If your partner is the right one for you, they will understand.

Saying "I love you"..IS a big deal and should only happen when you truly feel ready to say it.

you're gonig to get the entire gambit on this one - and it's based on the different personalities, insecurities, experiences, etc.

for me.. i am in this situation right now where i really like the gal i'im dating A LOT and very much want it to work out.

she has been a bit more aloof verbally - although in person and physically, it has all the makings, signs, feelings of going very well and that we're headed there.

she is very unsure, indecisive she says. and tends to go very slow (she hasn't dated much because she was married for 15 yrs, and was in a relationship with her ex-husband 20 yrs). so dating is not something she's done a lot of.

she told me she typically doesn't get intimate physically until 6 months.

so she is very .... averse to verbal or physical signs of moving forward or progressing too fast in relationships.

i haven't said "i love you" to her b/c that would push her away - and she's right it's way too soon. but in my view i would atleast think you can at least tell or know if you're interested and how interested you are and how much you like them after a number of dates right? She's averse to all that. Told me "i wanted to say i like you too. but felt it was too soon. i didn't want to say it just b/c you said it." so it's been an interesting ride for me to be on the OTHER END of this conversation.

My advice and recommendation to you (and anybody) - is to never do or say anything because you feel you're "supposed to" or "obligated to" or to not hurt the other person's' feelings. In the end, the best way to treat anybody (and the way we'd want to be trated) is to be honest and not "lead on" or "lied to". If you reciprocate and say "i love you back" when yo udon't mean it then your date is now working under incorrect assumptions and its' harder to correct and re-align where they are later.. then it is to just not say "i love you back" until you are ready and mean it.

Hopefully that makes sense. Its' not always easy for the person on my side to not hear it back, BUT, atleast i know where we stand and am not assuming incorrect things and thus acting upon them when it isn't reality - and be hurt later. So my gal is doing the right thing by not giving in to saying or acting anythign back she isn't ready for.

Honesty/sincerity. its really the only way to do it right when it comes to matters of the heart.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together or have known each other, if you don't feel you're ready to say "I love you"...don't say it.

 

It's not a requirement to say it back if someone says it to you. All you need to say is what you said here. "I'm not quite ready to say those words right now".

 

If your partner is the right one for you, they will understand.

 

Saying "I love you"..IS a big deal and should only happen when you truly feel ready to say it.

I agree!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your input. I agree with you Sherry that it is a big deal. I do feel I love him, I guess I am just afraid of things moving too quickly. I have heard of and been in relationships where things are amazing and everything is moving so quickly at the beginning of a relationship and it fizzles out as quickly as it started. I don't want that to happen with this relationship. At this point I am not sure if what I feel is love or infatuation, and perhaps he is only infatuated too. But I do know that we care about eachother a lot, and I just want to take things slowly, to ensure that we build a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

If you have already fallen in love with him, it will hurt if things fall apart whether you voice your feeling to him or not. It will hurt if it is 3 mos 6 mos or 3 years or 6 years. Not verbalizing what you feel will not protect you from anything.

If you don't feel it, don't say it. However is being withholding somehow going to "protect you"? Keep in mind "going slow" is an action not a verbal expression of a feeling. Rushing to move in, rushing into marriage, spending too much time together, etc are actions that people can get hurt doing.

Also it seems like mental gymnastics to convince yourself that by not saying it to him, you can prevent what you feel or what he feels. And therefore give yourself a false sense of security that it is guaranteed to work out and you will never experience pain or a breakup again.

Are you sure you are ready to date? This seems like guarded and defense behavior and thinking. "Going slow" is what you do, not what you say.

I do feel I love him, I guess I am just afraid of things moving too quickly. At this point I am not sure if what I feel is love or infatuation. I just want to take things slowly, to ensure that we build a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

If you have already fallen in love with him, it will hurt if things fall apart whether you voice your feeling to him or not. It will hurt if it is 3 mos 6 mos or 3 years or 6 years. Not verbalizing what you feel will not protect you from anything.

 

If you don't feel it, don't say it. However is being withholding somehow going to "protect you"? Keep in mind "going slow" is an action not a verbal expression of a feeling. Rushing to move in, rushing into marriage, spending too much time together, etc are actions that people can get hurt doing.

 

Also it seems like mental gymnastics to convince yourself that by not saying it to him, you can prevent what you feel or what he feels. And therefore give yourself a false sense of security that it is guaranteed to work out and you will never experience pain or a breakup again.

 

Are you sure you are ready to date? This seems like guarded and defense behavior and thinking. "Going slow" is what you do, not what you say.

I think wiseman said it perfectly.

If you have known him already a year, I don't think its too soon!

He had the entire year to get to know you, and with some guys, the decision to date someone comes out of already being attracted to or loving that person.

If you guys just met cold three months ago -- on a completely blind date or in the supermarket, I can understand your hesitation thinking "Whoa. We just met."

This is a year and three months in the making, not three months.