Can't Cope with Dating?

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share my thoughts about dating and wondered if I am alone. I am someone who really struggles with dating and getting into relationships, once I'm in one (if it is a good one) I'm very loyal, committed and like having someone close to me to share etc. It is getting into one that is tricky, the whole dating thing leaves me cold.

I met a really sweet, lovely man through work a few months ago and we are dating. It is great but if he 'goes quiet' I find myself getting really upset - like disproportionately upset. I am so sensitive and feel so vulnerable about dating. I keep it to myself, never have shown it to him he doesn't know how I feel as I'm 'pretend' I'm totally cool with it all as I don't want to give desperate vibes. The truth is however I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, I think it is due to all the past wounds, triggers and hurts. I don't know how to handle dating better. Maybe when we have been dating longer I will become more secure.

I have a full life, work and activities so it isn't that I'm putting all my energy into dating, I think it's more I'm so emotional, so sensitive and as I've realised underneath so vulnerable feeling. I really like this guy, and I'm finding myself wishing I didn't so I didn't feel all this.

SB

Sounds like you have some expectations of how things should work out. Dating is more fun if you can let go of expectations and be open to the idea of meeting people that are suited.

Pretending to be cool isn’t the answer because it probably means you are pushing past something you don’t like in order to achieve the outcome you want which in this case may be his lack of interest in pursuing something with you.

If this one doesn’t work out believe me when I say there are many more potential dates that will get you closer to what you are looking for.

I have very low expectations after years of flakes, ghosting, etc. The truth is I've kind of given up and am just hoping for the one guy to restore my faith.

There must be some other sensitive people on here who can relate

There must be some other sensitive people on here who can relate

I think there are probably loads shiney and they are not managing to keep a cap on it like you , then the trouble starts . You are doing well to keep it all in . Is there a cause for concern though ? I mean there is keeping it all in and letting someone walk all over you ( not presuming anything ) Does he go quiet for silly amounts of time , thus creating the worry to start with ?

When you have had bad experiences it is only natural to be weary , and hopefully , in time this will just wear off . You are not presuming he is a bad guy because of your experiences and that is fab it really is .

Shiney just carry on and hopefully this will in time fade away and you will get your confidence back , you have a full life and are not dependant on him for happiness , so really you are actually doing very well you know .

Aww thanks Pippy, just what I needed to hear.

The guy is very independent (which is great as I am as well) we were having really nice dates and he was keen and then this weekend he said he was going away to see friends, never texted only one at a funny time (late at night) asking me what I was doing?! I kept it brief and have given him space. I know it is nothing and I shouldn't be bothered but I've been very tearful all weekend :(

I think it is great that he has his own stuff going on, don't get me wrong but I've been so surprised how I've not coped at all with this change in events, I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. I don't want my past hurt to influence my future and am trying to keep it all in.

There must be some other sensitive people on here who can relate

I think everyone here can relate to how you are feeling... I’ve been there many times and given up on dating for periods because I found it so painful. I too am very sensitive and find it hard to deal with rejection, even if it’s just perceived and not actually happening.

I went through exactly what you are describing with a guy earlier this year... it totally wrecked me at the time but I have leaned a lot about myself and my expectations of others as a result.

Again there are so many that have struggles when a b/g/friend goes away . Then they are on here at stupid o clock in the morning , drunk , with threads like * you wont believe what I have just done * The mind starts to wander and the emotions are unleashed .

You are having time apart and again , you are doing fab , you haven't got a problem with him having his own space and following his own pursuits , you don't know how healthy this relationship sounds .

As for just the one text off him , don't read anything into it , I know you are trying hard not to , he is with his mates having a good time and you will see him soon . You are self aware and trying not to act on emotions that you know are irrational and again I say , you are doing a damn fine job if it .

if he 'goes quiet'

^^^ Please define he "goes quiet". What do you mean by that? Does he go days, weeks, without contacting you? Or does he shut down and avoid talking? Or something else?

The answer to that question will help define my advice to you.

Yes. Fake it til you make it in this case.

I'm 'pretend' I'm totally cool with it all as I don't want to give desperate vibes. Maybe when we have been dating longer I will become more secure.

There must be some other sensitive people on here who can relate

Yep.

Plenty here too!

They and you shouldn’t be dating until that’s solved.

Dating isn’t a right. I’m seeing excuses more and more and I find it fascinating, a few people have said well I’ll never trust, well I’ll always be anxious so how do I date?

YOU DONT!!

If you don’t want to be an adult and take some time out to care for you, don’t date. If you do you will keep dealing with these issues there’s really no way to make them go away, you could be dating Prince Charming and your issues will still surface, that’s how life works.

I have very low expectations after years of flakes, ghosting, etc.

 

The truth is I've kind of given up and am just hoping for the one guy to restore my faith.

More important than finding a man to restore your faith, find faith within yourself that you are a strong independent resilient woman who can handle whatever life throws at her.

Including crap boyfriends should you encounter one again (not your current, he seems like a good guy).

I believe you can still do this while dating, I think it's important you do, we don't learn anything by avoiding, we learn by doing, experiencing. My opinion.

Like pippy said, you're doing a fab job of containing your anxieties, understanding where they stem from and not burdening your bf with them, as these are your issues to resolve, not his.

Feel proud about that! You also seem quite self-aware which is also fab!

Continue working on "you," though introspection, reading and perhaps with the help of a qualified therapist.

Enjoy your relationship, it sounds positive, good luck!

Aww thanks Pippy, just what I needed to hear.

 

The guy is very independent (which is great as I am as well) we were having really nice dates and he was keen and then this weekend he said he was going away to see friends, never texted only one at a funny time (late at night) asking me what I was doing?! I kept it brief and have given him space. I know it is nothing and I shouldn't be bothered but I've been very tearful all weekend :(

 

I think it is great that he has his own stuff going on, don't get me wrong but I've been so surprised how I've not coped at all with this change in events, I feel like I'm an emotional wreck. I don't want my past hurt to influence my future and am trying to keep it all in.

Are you getting upset just because he went away this weekend and he hasn't been texting you non-stop about what he's doing? And you've been in tears all weekend? And you've only been dating a couple of months?

Maybe you're too sensitive to date, or maybe you create emotional dependencies way too quickly in a relationship. What are both of your ages? You need to calm yourself, maybe talk to a professional about this. You're only dating. It's not like you're engaged or anything. This may be why your previous relationships went bad.

Getting upset because you have only heard from him once during the weekend is concerning. He was with friends.

If you were tearing up over this, I suggest you seek counseling for your attachment issues. It is not healthy. You need to deal with past issues

I kept it brief and have given him space. I know it is nothing and I shouldn't be bothered but I've been very tearful all weekend :(

 

As much as I preach about having no emotional attachments in the beginning and no expectations, I get it. Sometimes you meet someone and you just really like them and you hope they really like you back because you are getting tired of dating losers.

Most of us have experienced that sentiment. However if you are literally crying this weekend about it, you need to step back and do some self-reflection and take care of those emotional wounds from being hurt/cheated/abandoned etc. When you take care of all those sadnesses that still exist inside you, I promise you will be back in the dating world stronger, happier and much more attractive to suitors out there.

I have very low expectations after years of flakes, ghosting, etc. The truth is I've kind of given up and am just hoping for the one guy to restore my faith.

Well here are my two cents on the subject if that might help you.

You seem to have been on your own, relationship wise, for quite a long time and my theory is that the longer you stay alone, the harder it becomes to get attach to someone or something, you kind of desensitize yourself in a certain sense and strangely in the same time you sometimes feel a void that should be filled entirely by the other person.

That's why in my opinion there is a kind of contradiction in the two sentences I quoted. Indeed, from one hand, you say that you expect nothing ("low expectations", "given up") but, on the other hand, you expect everything since you expect that someone "restore your faith" and faith is a call for "God" or the Absolute.

We think through the language, and faith is not a small word, one usualy turns to God for faith, in order that it gives meaning to one's existence.

Obviously, I don't want to say that you are looking for a man that is God, or your God, I'm just highlight the fact that you say that you have low expectations but in truth, regarding the words you use, they are of the highest, you ask for Faith.

This also seems to translated into the fact that you want this to happen and in the same time you wish it not to ("I'm finding myself wishing I didn't so I didn't feel all this").

Hence the rollercoaster you talk about in your opening post.

I'm for little help to solve this. I was just pointing out that you might want to take a few minutes to ask yourself if your expectations are really low, if on the contrary there are not too high (no one can give you faith nor fill a void or save you from yourself) and finaly if you really want this relation to happen in the first place.

Wish you well.

When he goes quiet.. for how long? A day.. a week?

Communication is needed in a successful relationship.

I had someone who would warm up to me pretty good.. get what he wants then drop in communication... ?

I let it go on for a week until i msg'd him & told him, I felt he truly was not interested in me.. with how little he wanted to talk0 which was a big switch.. from talking regularly.. flirting, etc.. Down to maybe once a day & just small talk.

Like why? wth is that going on?

Nothing like making the person feel worthless I say :/.

Thanks for all the advice, a bit of an update. Nothing from him for days, it was my birthday this week (he knew as I told him) no birthday wishes. I felt disappointed even more but then decided to 'write him off' i.e. just accept it, don't contact him. More days pass, I feel very confused, things on the date seems so good and he seemed keen. I decided I'd send one final text it was very light said something like 'hope you enjoyed the weekend' mainly to see if he would reply. He came back with asking me if I was free on Friday (I said I'd made plans thanks) then he asked if I was free on Sunday (I said I had made birthday plans). I still like him but feel I need time to myself to 'rebalance' it's been a confusing emotional rollercoaster this week and I felt out of control. I just want to get my old self back. In fact I'm not that bothered what happens between us now. My view is what does it take to text someone happy birthday who you have been dating? It's not very polite in my book. Yes I do have very high standards and I know that.

I think the reason you feel you can't cope with dating is that you've been dating the wrong guy. He doesn't seem that interested. When was the last time he contacted you first?

He is really keen on the dates and if I contact him (which I don't much btw) with something like 'How is your week going?' he wants to make a date. So if he completely wasn't interested surely you wouldn't bother wanting to arrange a date? It's all very confusing to me. I start the conversations more than him, which is why I am stopping. He can come to me to arrange the next one otherwise I am not bothering.

I like the fact he is chilled out as I don't like men who blow up my phone (I like my space) but there is a fine line between chilled out and disinterest.

Dating means something different to everyone. Has he ever said he wants to be in a relationship with you?

No, we have only had 4 dates mind you. He looked embarrassed when I asked him if he was 'looking for a relationship'. I'm thinking he isn't very emotionally mature (he is 40years old).

Oh, you said you've been dating for a few months and I figured you'd have been on more dates. If it's just been 4 dates, indeed, you worry way too much.

It has been about two months now...massive gaps between dates.

Happy birthday! Sorry this is happening but he sounds like a time waster and not that interested. This in itself is a red flag:

It has been about two months now...massive gaps between dates.