Really confused and sad

Hi all,

 

Any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated. I'm really glad to have found these forums again.

Long story short, I had a whirlwind relationship (3 months) with a guy I met on a dating app. He lives about 3 hours from me, so I spent a lot of time traveling to see him. Everything was amazing the first two trips to see him, and it even got to the point that he asked me to move in with him.

 

One of the things that I had done from the very beginning was be honest about issues I've had in the past, including substance abuse problems... I mean really personal stuff. He seemed to accept me for those flaws, and I let my guard down. I kept saying that maybe we were going too fast, but he said "life is short", and he's just incredibly charming and attentive. I started to move my stuff in, and we made plans on when I would be living there permanently. I know that sounds crazy, but it was a whirlwind. He eventually told me that he wasn't ready for me to be fully moved in... I was hurt, but I understood.

 

Anyway, the last trip I made to see him, things had shifted. I was going through a tough time at home, and probably not in the best kind-of mood. He tried to have a good time with me, but I could sense something was different. He pulled away a bit. Once I left to go home, I could tell he was distant, but he was still acting normally through text. So, for the next week, I started grilling him on things to get an answer, and he wouldn't admit to anything. Finally, he did.... He hadn't told me that he was a recovering alcoholic. Being around me, he had fallen off the wagon (we would have wine at dinner, etc.), and didn't want to tell me. I got so upset, because I said if he had told me this would be very different.This caused a chain of long emotional fights over the phone. He broke it off, and it's honestly thrown me into some of the worst depression I've had in a long long time. I'm no angel, but I can't help but feel massive guilt for throwing him off track. Had I known this was the case, I never would have brought alcohol around him.

 

SO now we are in NC, and of course I miss him terribly. I also have several things at his house that I would like to get back. I was thinking that I would text him, because I want to figure out a way to get my stuff back. I also know that it would be nice to see him in person, and I still have hope that we can work through it. We had talked about going to see a movie that's coming out awhile back, maybe we could meet and he can give me stuff? I don't know how to approach it. I've reach out a few times over the last month or so, and he's always responded. Very cold and aloof, but at least a response. We never discussed me getting my things back. Now we've been no contact for 2 weeks, and it's killing me. I have to stop myself from texting, and it's really really hard. He is always on my mind.

 

I know this all sounds crazy considering how short the relationship was, but it was a very intense connection.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

Sorry to hear about this.

 

It certainly sounds like you guys moved too fast, as you know. Moving in after three months? I mean no disrespect with this metaphor, but that's borderline addictive behavior—upping the love drug, you know, because you're worried the high will fade. And I get it. I love the love drug too, as do most of us. I'm an occasional whirlwinder myself.

 

But you have nothing to blame yourself for with his going off the wagon. That's his responsibility, not yours. His choice.

 

You were honest with him, he was not with you, and I'd take a moment to reflect on that, because it's a big character difference. It means you're more honest with yourself, who you are, where you've been, and want to be seen for that. He's not there yet. And with a history of substance abuse, I'd be careful not to get pulled back into a chapter that you've gotten yourself out of. Him on your mind—that's the loss of connection, yes, but it's also a bit of withdrawal.

 

Because the vibe I'm getting from him is that you were a bit of a drug, even more so than he was for you, a drug that got him back on the old stuff—one high leading to another and leading, ultimately, to the inevitable shame when the lights come on. That shame is still there, and it's for him to handle. If you make it your responsibility, odds are high that you'll stay in this fraught place with each other.

 

Relationships are fragile. Often the same two people who can bring out so much joy and comfort can also create a certain toxicity. In this case, it sounds like you guys could go either way. You're almost at a crossroads, and taking the right path means going very, very slow right now—whether that path is another chapter for you both together, or simply you remaining in a solid space on your own journey.

 

So really think about that stuff for a minute—if, past the connection, past all the hopes, this is a healthy person. In life. For you. This is a good time to think about that, rather than worrying about your stuff, unless it's so essential and not an excuse to communicate. As he's shown you, the best he has is aloof right now. You don't want to be pulling teeth.

 

That said, if the the stuff is essential, and if that's your only motive, send him a dry note explaining that you need your x and y and wanted to set up a time to pick it up.

So many red flags:

 

Always driving to him - this should be 50/50

Three hours away - find someone local

Moving in after two dates - I could not believe what you had written. He was a stranger at that point. You should not be moving in with someone until after a year. Terrible judgment.

Alcoholic - problem within itself. He blames you for not telling you, and for him drinking, again. Unbelievable. If you had gotten to know him better, and not rushed into things, you would have found out about his problems. One being, is that he does not take responsibility.

 

You want this loser back? You really need to do some self reflection, as there is NO future with this guy.

I am assuming that you do not have a social life and your life is empty, or you would have never have gotten involved with a person like this.

Healthy relationships grow, and it takes time. Not moving in after two dates.

He is an alcoholic and incapable of having a relationship, as he has clearly shown you.

 

Does he have a job and a car?

 

Forget the stuff. I think it is an excuse to see him. Expect more out of a partner. And, stay NC!

I guess you don't have a key to let yourself into his place. Is there a doorman or a superintendent or a neighbor he can leave a key with for you to get your stuff. You really shouldn't see him and you definitely should not go out to a movie with him. You can find a LaQuinta Inn or a Motel 6 to stay the night if you don't want a 6-hour round-trip drive. You don't want to create any more heartache than you're already experiencing.

He hadn't told me that he was a recovering alcoholic. Being around me, he had fallen off the wagon (we would have wine at dinner, etc.), and didn't want to tell me.

 

I could be off base, but I'm not buying the "recovering alcoholic" story. My guess is he's using that as his ticket out, (again, I could be wrong).

 

Either way, unless your items are of high sentimental value, I'd let it go and focus on moving forward.

Agree. He may be an alcoholic but you are not the cause of his issues after 2 dates. Ask him to send your things. If you insist on getting them in person, do not make a date out of it. It seems there was too much incompatibility, not to mention too much too soon and too much drama.

I could be off base, but I'm not buying the "recovering alcoholic" story. My guess is he's using that as his ticket out

Long story short, I had a whirlwind relationship (3 months) with a guy I met on a dating app. He lives about 3 hours from me, so I spent a lot of time traveling to see him.

Why would you do that to yourself? Three hours away is more times then not, not sustainable. Why not restrict your contact settings to men closer to where you live will only be able to get through to you?

Everything was amazing the first two trips to see him, and it even got to the point that he asked me to move in with him.

Within in three months of a long distant dating situation, that should have been a major red flag and not a positive show of affection and love. He doesn't even know you and you don't know him either. You'd be moving in with a total stranger who, for all you know could be a woman beating sociopath.

 

One of the things that I had done from the very beginning was be honest about issues I've had in the past, including substance abuse problems... I mean really personal stuff. He seemed to accept me for those flaws, and I let my guard down. I kept saying that maybe we were going too fast, but he said "life is short", and he's just incredibly charming and attentive.

Falling for his smarmy BS is a result of our codependent tendencies and your past addiction problems. You may be clean but the underlying issues as to why you have an addictive personality remain... so it seems.

 

I started to move my stuff in, and we made plans on when I would be living there permanently. I know that sounds crazy, but it was a whirlwind. He eventually told me that he wasn't ready for me to be fully moved in...

Sanity prevailed.

I was hurt, but I understood.

No you don't quite understand if you were willing to move in with a perfect stranger and trust that his BS was the truth.

 

Anyway, the last trip I made to see him, things had shifted. I was going through a tough time at home, and probably not in the best kind-of mood. He tried to have a good time with me, but I could sense something was different. He pulled away a bit. Once I left to go home, I could tell he was distant, but he was still acting normally through text. So, for the next week, I started grilling him on things to get an answer, and he wouldn't admit to anything. Finally, he did.... He hadn't told me that he was a recovering alcoholic.

Neither of you, if you are less than a year clean/sober should be dating. Are either of you in treatment through AA, NA, codependents anonymous or personal therapy?

 

Being around me, he had fallen off the wagon (we would have wine at dinner, etc.), and didn't want to tell me. I got so upset, because I said if he had told me this would be very different.This caused a chain of long emotional fights over the phone. He broke it off, and it's honestly thrown me into some of the worst depression I've had in a long long time

You MUST learn to see red flags when a guy is flying them. All this moving in at the honeymoon/getting to know you stage is a huge red flag. The fact you're entertaining contact from someone so far away that you have to travel to see them is not in your best emotional best interests. You can't get to know them AT ALL in three months.

 

. I'm no angel, but I can't help but feel massive guilt for throwing him off track. Had I known this was the case, I never would have brought alcohol around him.

If he's recovered and in a AA then bringing wine around him shouldn't cause him to have to drink a glass with you. He's still very much NOT recovered.

 

SO now we are in NC, and of course I miss him terribly. I also have several things at his house that I would like to get back. I was thinking that I would text him, because I want to figure out a way to get my stuff back. I also know that it would be nice to see him in person, and I still have hope that we can work through it.

That ^ is your codependent nature rearing its head: YOU DO NOT need an alcoholic in your life when you yourself are recovering. You should be keeping yourself clear of men that have addictions or who have not been clean and sober for many, many years.

 

We had talked about going to see a movie that's coming out awhile back, maybe we could meet and he can give me stuff?

Or maybe you could forget that the stuff exists and keep zero contact so that you and he can move on. Dating when you are in recovery is not advisable.

 

I don't know how to approach it. I've reach out a few times over the last month or so, and he's always responded. Very cold and aloof, but at least a response.

Leave him alone.

 

We never discussed me getting my things back. Now we've been no contact for 2 weeks, and it's killing me. I have to stop myself from texting, and it's really really hard. He is always on my mind.

Then do the mental work you need to do to get yourself over him. He's not in a good place to be dating. Anyone who suggests someone move in with them within three months of dating isn't thinking straight. He needs to work on himself and his recovery without worrying about nurturing a relationship.

 

I know this all sounds crazy considering how short the relationship was, but it was a very intense connection.

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

It was a fling that's now over and the two of you should be concentrating on getting and being able to remain clean. If your stuff isn't of any value then leave it to him. If you really need it back, have a friend contact him and ask him to mail it to you.

 

Don't use material things as an excuse to keep yourself in his life. Work on yourself and any issues at home and leave him to his.

As for his condition, this is typical behavior for an alcoholic with underlying issues....making compulsive decisions that are not the healthiest. He is obviously still in the early stages of recovery. He is in denial. Typical "I can handle it" bs. That is why he wasn't honest with you....he thought he could be normal, and go along with it. Alcoholism runs in my family so I know a thing or two....they should never be in a relationship, because it triggers their disease making their recovery more difficult. It's for the best....you dodged a bullet.

 

OK lesson learned, now it's time to be adults about it. Reassure him this is not an excuse to confront him, no conversation will take place, just coming over to collect your stuff. end of.

Thank you all for your responses!

I want to make it clear that although we only had few face-to-face meetings, I would stay there for at least 4 days, up to a week. We spent hours on the phone, and days together at a time. I was leery about the moving in part, something told me not to do it so soon... but, I know now that I was hoping starting a new life would "fix" things for me. He came on so strong with romance, and made a lot of promises, and I guess I hadn't felt so loved in a very long time. Especially in my last relationships. Having told him my deepest secrets and feeling safe and accepted was what made me have so much hope.

The amount of guilt that I have right now is unbearable. I know now that I was missing the signs, and we were drinking wine with dinner every night. Even too much. It's not my fault, I know. But, if that is indeed the case for the break-up, I see why. After he told me, I lost all trust I thought I had, and so I was constantly fighting with him. I even said some really nasty things, and so did he. This is all within a 3-month period. It all happened so fast, but it feels like it's a lot longer.

If you look at my past posts, I had gotten out of a 4-year relationship. I had been single for well over a year. I had a lot of hope is all that I can say. The last trip, it almost felt like we were friends. We were intimate, but the dynamic had changed a lot. He had pulled away a bit.

 

I do need my stuff back (I have $4k worth of camera equipment there)... I wonder if subconsciously I left it there knowing something was off. My brain will not stop thinking about every detail. Everything I said, everything I did wrong.

 

I can tell you this NC thing is horrible. I sent him a handwritten letter a few weeks ago explaining my part in all of this. I did feel good about that, but it wasn't enough for me. I still can't get my brain to stop.

Oh, dear. OP, this had disaster written all over it.

 

You were two strangers who zoomed right past the healthy getting-to-know-you phase, and collided straight into oncoming traffic. Two folks building glass castles in the sky. This didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out.

 

Collect your belongings. And then start some much-needed work on you. You need to get to the bottom of why you so desperately wanted a relationship that you attached yourself to such an unhealthy person, and are still hoping this chaotic individual will come back into your life. Spend time really reflecting. Being single is good, but doesn't do much if you don't take the steps necessary to identify unhealthy behaviour patterns and a filter strong enough to weed out the dead-ends when they show up. You need to value yourself more, OP.

Ok, then arrange to collect you things. Agree on a mutually agreeable time and bring a friend.

 

Do not send any more letters or communication begging, pleading, explaining, apologizing, being hurt, etc. (in fact Never do this). It does more harm than in that it's unnecessary, it won't get anyone back and in fact it makes you less attractive and pitiful in their eyes.

 

It also keeps you in a state of denial that he's done, it's over and that stalls you out from moving forward and healing. If you want to journal your thoughts, that's fine, especially if you bring all the anxiety, obsessions, ruminating, analysis of a disastrous whirlwind/lack of boundaries,etc to your therapist who can guide you through things.

I do need my stuff back (I have $4k worth of camera equipment there). I sent him a handwritten letter a few weeks ago explaining my part in all of this. I did feel good about that, but it wasn't enough for me.

"I want to make it clear that although we only had few face-to-face meetings, I would stay there for at least 4 days, up to a week. We spent hours on the phone, and days together at a time. "

This is not how healthy relationships work.

 

Find someone local, and none of this "whirlwind"stuff. As you can see, it prevents you from seeing the real person.

 

Take a friend to get your stuff.

Thank you all for your responses!

I want to make it clear that although we only had few face-to-face meetings, I would stay there for at least 4 days, up to a week. We spent hours on the phone, and days together at a time. I was leery about the moving in part, something told me not to do it so soon... but, I know now that I was hoping starting a new life would "fix" things for me. He came on so strong with romance, and made a lot of promises, and I guess I hadn't felt so loved in a very long time. Especially in my last relationships. Having told him my deepest secrets and feeling safe and accepted was what made me have so much hope.

The amount of guilt that I have right now is unbearable. I know now that I was missing the signs, and we were drinking wine with dinner every night. Even too much. It's not my fault, I know. But, if that is indeed the case for the break-up, I see why. After he told me, I lost all trust I thought I had, and so I was constantly fighting with him. I even said some really nasty things, and so did he. This is all within a 3-month period. It all happened so fast, but it feels like it's a lot longer.

If you look at my past posts, I had gotten out of a 4-year relationship. I had been single for well over a year. I had a lot of hope is all that I can say. The last trip, it almost felt like we were friends. We were intimate, but the dynamic had changed a lot. He had pulled away a bit.

 

I do need my stuff back (I have $4k worth of camera equipment there)... I wonder if subconsciously I left it there knowing something was off. My brain will not stop thinking about every detail. Everything I said, everything I did wrong.

 

I can tell you this NC thing is horrible. I sent him a handwritten letter a few weeks ago explaining my part in all of this. I did feel good about that, but it wasn't enough for me. I still can't get my brain to stop.

 

Go with a friend to get your camera equipment back. Do not engage in any relationship chatter with him... collect your stuff, bid him good luck in his recovery and then be on your way. Close that door.

 

Then, put an elastic on your wrist and everytime you think of him, the relationship or the conversations you had with him, you snap that elastic and you consciously change the subject to something else and get up and do something that will keep your mind off of anything to do with him.

 

Do not take on any guilt for him falling off the wagon. It was just a matter of time if he isn't in any support group or therapy. It's not your fault particularly because you didn't even know about his alcoholism. Are you in any support groups yourself?

 

If he were serious about his sobriety, he wouldn't have got involved with you in the first place knowing that you like a drink now and again. He would have waited to date until he was certain that anyone he was with could have a drink without him joining in. He certainly would not be dating so soon into his recovery. He's not a well man and if he's not in AA or in personal therapy then all the underlying reasons why he's a problem drinker would soon enough surface and make your life not the rose coloured thrill fest you remember for very long.

 

Close the door on him.

Now we've been no contact for 2 weeks, and it's killing me

 

No one here will tell you NC is easy. Because it isn't, at first. It gets easier with time, but any sort of contact will push you back.

 

So send that blunt text organizing a time to get your camera/stuff back, and preferably have that friend go in and get it so you don't meet with him.

 

Unfortunately even that limited contact will push you back a bit, which makes it all the more important to get it done now, so you can get on with the healing process.

Well, the bad news was I broke NC,but at least we figured out the logistics, and he's going to ship my stuff this week. Saves a 3 hour trip, and I can start moving on. It was all very cold and to the point, but I'm feeling happy that I can get my stuff back. Thanks to all for your help.

Well, the bad news was I broke NC,but at least we figured out the logistics, and he's going to ship my stuff this week. Saves a 3 hour trip, and I can start moving on. It was all very cold and to the point, but I'm feeling happy that I can get my stuff back. Thanks to all for your help.

 

If you just did the logistics that is OK. Even if it went further...

 

Now you have no reason to maintain even limited contact.

 

Time to implement NC indefinitely.

Jstudio, you keep dong this.

 

You seem to have some attachment issues, when a man breaks up with you, you have a hard time accepting things.

 

Have you considered therapy?

Jstudio, you keep dong this.

 

You seem to have some attachment issues, when a man breaks up with you, you have a hard time accepting things.

 

Have you considered therapy?

 

Yes, infact I'm looking into that now. I think it stems from childhood. Thank you for being blunt about that

I just wanted to update... I received my camera and other things. It was hard, but I also know this is the beginning of the healing process. I've also signed up for therapy. Thank you again to everyone for your help. This website is invaluable.