mixed feelings for a guy who has never had a gf

Hey everyone! It's been so long since I've been on here, for those of you who remember my previous posts roughly a year ago as I was going through a rough breakup. A year later I can happily say that I took months off for soul searching, healing, and learning to be 100% happy without a man.

The best things happen when you least expect them, right? Flash forward to today, and I've been seeing this guy from my college for about a month. We talked over the summer via instagram after finding out we live near eachother and would be going to the same school. The first time we met in person, my heart screamed "oh sh*t" as soon as I saw him (in a good way). It was like something clicked, I don't know how else to describe it. Anyways, we basically started seeing each other a lot, but at the same time we're taking things slow. He waited almost two weeks to even kiss me which was refreshing. He would hangout with me every free minute he had, even if it was just to come over and take a nap with me. However, there are a few things that bother me and I've been keeping in the back of my mind. He has never had a girlfriend before so I don't think he quite knows how to act all of the time. For example, in private he acts like I'm his girlfriend, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. However, whenever we hangout with friends I may as well just be a friend to him even though he sticks closest to my side. He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know my life outside of college. He doesn't show any interest in meeting my mom when she comes up this weekend which could also just be because of how soon it is. He also has trouble expressing his emotions with words. The last time I heard him say how he felt about me was almost a month ago when he told me he liked me. Since, then, the only reassurance has been through actions, up until two days ago. Suddenly as of Sunday the goodnight/good morning texts have stopped and he still talks to me throughout the day just not nearly as much as he had been and much less flirty. We've hardly hung out unless we run into each other out of luck at breakfast (he's always going alone though and sits with me once he sees me so it's not like he's just hanging with other people). I was freaking out that something had changed for him until last night he couldn't hangout and told me how stressed he is this week. It's midterm week and he has a 7 page paper to write by Sunday, 2 exams, a group project, on top of basketball practice, classes and 3 other clubs. I try to reassure him and make him feel better, I even do favors for him here and there like reminding him to print something and I'm lucky if I even get a thanks. I just wish he would make me feel a little more... appreciated? One thing that also bothered me was when I was really stressed last week about an exam, he wasn't the best at comforting me. He listened, but that was about it. When I ran into him at breakfast this morning and told him I did really well on the test, he didn't really say anything and I can't help but compare his response to previous guys in my life who would have hugged me (he's also not really a hugger) and told me they were proud of me and knew I could do it. I plan on talking to him this weekend once his stressful week is over, the last thing I want to do is push him away. I'm going to make it clear that I am not pressuring him to commit to a relationship right now, I just want to know where his head is at and if we're headed in that direction. And if we are headed in that direction, I want to talk about the things that are bothering me without coming off as needy and bossing him around/telling him what to do. I care about him a lot more than I expected to so soon. If I didn't know some of this behavior was just from how he handles stress, I would be much more concerned than I am. It's the little things he does that reassure me, like asking how my day was or slow dancing with me in his room to a song that came on while watching Me Before You, or kissing my forehead and playing with my hands when I'm "asleep". He's a great guy and has a lot of the basics down, but I think because he's never had a girlfriend before he needs to be "shown" how to do it properly and how talking to me is different than talking to one of his friends. Any advice??

He's young but did he tell you why he hasn't had a girlfriend before? I don't agree that he needs to be shown how to treat you. He has friends and a family, right? So he already knows how to show he cares if he wants to. Sure, if he had never been on a date before and there were certain technical basics you wanted to suggest to him, ok but basic caring, friendship, affection - that's part of having any relationship not just romantic.

I think you should revisit this once exams are over and see if he goes back to showing interest in dating you/being with you. Also refrain from reminding him of things he needs to do -these are early days and he might take that as mothering which is not a great feeling.

He's young but did he tell you why he hasn't had a girlfriend before? I don't agree that he needs to be shown how to treat you. He has friends and a family, right? So he already knows how to show he cares if he wants to. Sure, if he had never been on a date before and there were certain technical basics you wanted to suggest to him, ok but basic caring, friendship, affection - that's part of having any relationship not just romantic.

 

I think you should revisit this once exams are over and see if he goes back to showing interest in dating you/being with you. Also refrain from reminding him of things he needs to do -these are early days and he might take that as mothering which is not a great feeling.

He's never had a girlfriend because he went to an all guy's catholic high school so it just never happened for him. He's also kind of nerdy and can be awkward (I always pick this type lol) which is also why I'm not freaking out or taking it personally, it may just be an inexperience thing. His parents are also divorced so I'm not sure if that plays into it, but so are mine. I'm planning on waiting this week out and seeing how the weekend goes/if things go back to normal then taking things from there. So far there's enough good for me personally to wait out the things that are bothering me.

Yes- wait it out, give him space. Let him come to you. I know many people who went to girls/guys high schools and dated - lots of parties/dances where people meet, etc so I don't buy it. Nothing at all wrong with not having a girlfriend until now -at all - and I think it has nothing to do with where he went to school.

I wouldn't analyze, accept that you enjoy being with guys who are socially awkward -nothing wrong with that, just can have its downsides - and just let things be for now. Hopefully he'll come around after exams.

Yes- wait it out, give him space. Let him come to you. I know many people who went to girls/guys high schools and dated - lots of parties/dances where people meet, etc so I don't buy it. Nothing at all wrong with not having a girlfriend until now -at all - and I think it has nothing to do with where he went to school.

 

I wouldn't analyze, accept that you enjoy being with guys who are socially awkward -nothing wrong with that, just can have its downsides - and just let things be for now. Hopefully he'll come around after exams.

thank you, I'm trying to remain calm and go with the flow because I do tend to get attached quickly and as soon as anything changes I overthink and assume it's over lol - perks of anxiety and PTSD from past relationships. I'm in no rush to be committed especially being in college but I could definitely see myself in a relationship with him in time so I think it's worth waiting out and talking to him once things settle.

Still writing it.

Still writing it.

what?? haha

Wow. You want a lot in a relationship.

So you want a guy to be all over you in public so you can show off to everyone that you have a boyfriend and that he's not just a friend.

He needs to grill you about your personal life to prove that he cares.

He should want to meet your mom, even though you've only been together a month.

He needs to email you good morning and good night every night.

He should thank you when you heckle him about things he needs to do.

He has to hug you a lot.

He needs to say he likes you regularly.

And he needs to pay attention when you give him "The Talk" about what you expect in a relationship.

Whew.

This is an awful lot for only a one-month relationship.

I think you need to slow down. You're both in college and you should be concentrating on your studies. It seems you're expecting an "instant" relationship, but it takes some people some time to warm up in a relationship. And I would say that since he doesn't know "the rules" yet, he's treating you like an equal, like a friend, not someone depending on him to do certain things.

Anyways, he may be feeling the pressure on him by you. Or he's just trying to get his assignments done and balance sports and three clubs that he's in. Maybe just give him a little time to warm up and don't push him quite so hard to straighten up and come to heel.

Wow. You want a lot in a relationship.

 

So you want a guy to be all over you in public so you can show off to everyone that you have a boyfriend and that he's not just a friend.

 

He needs to grill you about your personal life to prove that he cares.

 

He should want to meet your mom, even though you've only been together a month.

 

He needs to email you good morning and good night every night.

 

He should thank you when you heckle him about things he needs to do.

 

He has to hug you a lot.

 

He needs to say he likes you regularly.

 

And he needs to pay attention when you give him "The Talk" about what you expect in a relationship.

 

Whew.

Honestly a bit unnecessary considering I never said half of these things. What I expect from a guy is to be reminded ONCE IN A WHILE that things haven't changed for him, not "he needs to say he likes you regularly." And I'm not sure what kind of relationships you're used to, but if you're totally fine with your SO acting like you aren't an item in public, not wanting to meet your family, and not paying attention to you while you're speaking then I'm impressed but also saddened at the lack of respect you have for yourself. I am not looking for him to act like we've been together long term, I'm looking for him to show a little more interest in my life and provide the basic reassurance that every human being needs in a healthy relationship. I do not need 24/7 reminders or for him to be by my side constantly, but I do like knowing a guy is still interested through words and actions. I agree with the second half of your response, but you kind of ruined it by twisting my words and honestly being unnecessarily judgy and rude making assumptions in the first half. Thanks for the input!

Listen to the old song "Do you Love me" from Fiddler in the Roof

Honestly a bit unnecessary considering I never said half of these things.

I took my list directly from your posting to make you think about whether what you said you wanted in a relationship only a month in is a bit much.

Listen to the old song "Do you Love me" from Fiddler in the Roof

LOVE that song, and movie lol

LOVE that song, and movie lol

Yup and remember she is surprised that he would need reassurance after 25 years that she loves him. I wouldn’t ask this guy for reassurance. It’s quickly annoying and not a good look IMO

Yup and remember she is surprised that he would need reassurance after 25 years that she loves him. I wouldn’t ask this guy for reassurance. It’s quickly annoying and not a good look IMO

thank you for your responses, I think I'm going to take a step back and chill out for now because it is still early, it's just easy to feel like it's been so much longer in college when you basically live together and spend all free time together. I just need to give it time especially since he's new at this and everyone is stressed right now.

Slow down. You've only been seeing each other 4 weeks. He doesn't have to meet your family. Focus on how things are going between you and him. For example do you want to be exclusive? Are you compatible enough to continue?

He doesn't have to scream "I love you!" after dating only 4 weeks. Stop mothering him. And pull back on all this smothering. Lay back and observe if this is viable for you and if it's what you want rather than trying to change him or fix him or force this into an insta-relationship.

I've been seeing this guy from my college for about a month.

 

He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know my life outside of college. He doesn't show any interest in meeting my mom.

 

The last time I heard him say how he felt about me was almost a month ago when he told me he liked me. I even do favors for him here and there like reminding him to print something and I'm lucky if I even get a thanks.

First consider that people rarely keep up the contact intensity of a brand new relationship. So texting gets boring over time. Also, some people are not into public affection. With some it's about being sensitive to how squirmy it can make others feel around a couple, with some it's an announcement of a serious relationship, and with some it's just not their thing.

It's reasonable to ask if the guy sees the two of you moving toward a committed relationship, but you'll need to be prepared for a no or an I don't know. What's your position on that? In my own case, I'm clear about wanting a relationship, so I don't dabble in casual. I'd be prepared to say, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together someday. That's why I need to walk away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you want to try a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best, and no hard feelings when our paths cross in public."

I'd skip any conversations that are 'corrective'. The guy is an adult. If you want certain behaviors that you're not getting, learn where the guy stands with you and where you want to stand with him. If you both want a relationship, first see whether establishing that brings any of the behaviors you want. If not, the way to get them is NOT complaining about lacking them, but rather learning enough about the guy to offer him fair trades for giving you what you want. Negotiate by offering him something of value to him in exchange for something of value to you. Successful couples do this all the time, and it takes nagging off the table.

Head high, and figure out exactly what YOU want first. Then if the guy won't offer you that, walk away cleanly instead of trying to 'parent' him into giving it to you.

If someone doesn't want the same things you want, isn't that something you want to know?

It sounds like he loves you, but it's a stressful time. Perhaps have a little patience on this one?

First consider that people rarely keep up the contact intensity of a brand new relationship. So texting gets boring over time. Also, some people are not into public affection. With some it's about being sensitive to how squirmy it can make others feel around a couple, with some it's an announcement of a serious relationship, and with some it's just not their thing.

 

It's reasonable to ask if the guy sees the two of you moving toward a committed relationship, but you'll need to be prepared for a no or an I don't know. What's your position on that? In my own case, I'm clear about wanting a relationship, so I don't dabble in casual. I'd be prepared to say, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together someday. That's why I need to walk away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you want to try a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best, and no hard feelings when our paths cross in public."

 

I'd skip any conversations that are 'corrective'. The guy is an adult. If you want certain behaviors that you're not getting, learn where the guy stands with you and where you want to stand with him. If you both want a relationship, first see whether establishing that brings any of the behaviors you want. If not, the way to get them is NOT complaining about lacking them, but rather learning enough about the guy to offer him fair trades for giving you what you want. Negotiate by offering him something of value to him in exchange for something of value to you. Successful couples do this all the time, and it takes nagging off the table.

 

Head high, and figure out exactly what YOU want first. Then if the guy won't offer you that, walk away cleanly instead of trying to 'parent' him into giving it to you.

 

If someone doesn't want the same things you want, isn't that something you want to know?

This was so helpful, thank you so much. I can absolutely see myself in a relationship with him, I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time. I am hoping to talk to him tomorrow before we both go home for the holiday weekend, that way he has time to sit with the conversation in a setting he's comfortable with for a few days. I've hardly heard from him in two days and I'm trying not to panic, I truly think he's just stressed/overwhelmed and also getting cold feet. I will try saying the things you suggested in the conversation and keep you posted. I care a lot about him and I'm hoping all goes well after tomorrow, but if something has changed it's better to know sooner rather than later and save a much bigger heartbreak down the road if we aren't on the same page.

He has never had a girlfriend before so I don't think he quite knows how to act all of the time. For example, in private he acts like I'm his girlfriend, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. However, whenever we hangout with friends I may as well just be a friend to him even though he sticks closest to my side. He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know my life outside of college. He doesn't show any interest in meeting my mom when she comes up this weekend which could also just be because of how soon it is.

A gentleman is not going to be all over you in public. He is going to act respectably. Do you want him throwing his leg over you for you or for your FRIENDS to see? If you have only been dating 4 weeks, I understand how he wouldn't meet your mom yet -- its only 4 weeks. Honestly, if you are both in college, not having had a girlfriend before is normal. I have friends who went to all boys/all girls schools and some dated, some didn't. And the ones that didn't expressed that they were glad that they didn't because they would have missed out on a lot of stuff -- a lot of them had prom dates but not all and often they were with friends. I see nothing wrong with this young man, actually. I think you want to be in a relationship that has lasted a year already and he is just getting to know you and acting like its a four week relationship. Stop reminding him about his school work -- he doesn't need that and don't do it to receive a compliment. He listened and gave you his full attention -- but you can't compare him to other guys. Maybe you need to lead. if you want a hug, offer one.