Close to marriage and buying a house when she suddenly wants a breakup

I've been going out with my girlfriend of over two years and were really good friends before that for five. We've done long distance this whole time because she was in med school and now a resident. As with any relationship we had our ups and downs, but recently in May we had already met our families, but took a trip back to Asia to see our extended families. There our families really liked the other person and she said at the end simply by herself, I'm ready to marry you. We started talking about marriage seriously and what the future over the next few years would look like.

She just started residency and I'm at another location. I was looking to move there and we started looking up houses to buy together. Everything felt great until she moved to that city to start residency about a month and a half ago. After she started rounds and working 15, 18 hours a day something felt different. I thought it could be just how stressful work was and I didn't want to give her more stress so chose not to talk about it and we had very little interaction due to her schedule anyways.

My lease was ending so I asked for some time to have a talk about me moving. She then told me that it's been really stressful this last month and she's not sure how to handle it so I shouldn't move. She then proceeds with saying that she doesn't love me as much as I love her and that she feels a bit trapped. She wants time to think about it alone and when I suggested a break she took it. I internalized over the next 10 days (I did NC) that it was probably because of my depression. She's normally a really happy person and I had been feeling depressed this year and was definitely behaving differently and not giving her the support she wanted. We had a video call where she broke up with me and told me when she removed the outside pressure (her family loves me) that she didn't feel like she loved me that much anymore.

I guess I feel really lost and confused because we for sure had our issues, but we always stressed the importance of talking through them and that was what I thought one of the reasons of what made our relationship so healthy. She never brought up or mentioned that she was unsure about the relationship or I was doing anything to make her feel different. Even just a month and a half ago before her crazy schedule she was texting me little love notes throughout the day. One of the times we last saw each other we both were actually in tears a bit because we really didn't want to leave each other. I just don't get how she could act and say all those things if she was already having serious doubts. And then for her to just end it suddenly with no conversation or even trying to work it out is breaking my heart.

TLDR: GF was ready to marry me and were looking at buying houses together 2 months ago. She starts medical residency in another city and then without any reason or warning wants a breakup, the next day she deletes all of our social media photos. I'm so confused and heartbroken about what to do.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she feels overwhelmed and too pressured. Just back off on the house buying/marrying thing. Give this more space, some time and see what happens.

My lease was ending so I asked for some time to have a talk about me moving. She then told me that it's been really stressful this last month and she's not sure how to handle it so I shouldn't move. She then proceeds with saying that she doesn't love me as much as I love her and that she feels a bit trapped. She wants time to think about it alone and when I suggested a break she took it.

I wonder if she has met someone at her new workplace or in her new city.

I would assume that it's the pressure and stress from work apart from one thing, her deleting all the pics on social media.

A person doesn't do that if they aren't certain that they don't want to be with this person anymore.

Possibly she met someone else, maybe she had a new perspective on life after the new job and wanted different things. It's a guess for now what it was.

I think the only choice you have now is to back away and protect yourself and your own heart.

not giving her the support she wanted

This might have been enough for her to call it quits to be honest. Residency is highly stressful, having a partner who is not giving support or enough of it, could have been enough for her to call it a day.

I agree, and while I know I tried very hard in terms of what I did, I was not there emotionally for her enough while dealing with my own stuff. What I'm having a disconnect is on how if this was a long term thing that she was failing out of love with me,

1. Why she didn't ever mention anything (we were very open had talk about our troubles in what I thought was a very positive healthy way).

2. Her words and actions over the last few months just didn't seem to indicate she was falling out of love at all and very much more into further commitment. Texts of how she just wanted to let me know how her heart still flutters when seeing me, going on an overseas trip to see her extended family, looking up houses to buy together, telling me she wanted to marry me. I'm just feeling so sad, going from really elated I was about to marry the girl I love so dearly to, having it abruptly end and me struggling to understand why she never mentioned anything.

You can still love someone and feel that they aren't the right one for you based on lack of support or the right kind of support.

I agree, and while I know I tried very hard in terms of what I did, I was not there emotionally for her enough while dealing with my own stuff. What I'm having a disconnect is on how if this was a long term thing that she was failing out of love with me,

 

1. Why she didn't ever mention anything (we were very open had talk about our troubles in what I thought was a very positive healthy way).

I find that odd, too. Considering she had just months before told you she was ready to marry, it's a little strange she didn't mention any doubts or feeling unsupported prior to ending it.

That is what suggests, to me, that this is not all down to her feeling unsupported. That may indeed bother her, but I would imagine there's more to it.

I wonder if she has met someone at her new workplace or in her new city.

This is my thought as well. Women dont typically make a decision like that without someone there to fill the void. I would imagine after a few weeks, the shiny new man won't be shiny and new anymore, and that's when you'll hear from her.

So in May she announced that she was ready to marry you after knowing you closely for 7 years, and then she suddenly broke up with you after moving to a new city....

I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that she has met someone else.

No way she dumps you due to stress or lack of support. Breaking up a relationship like yours would create far more stress and she would lose the support she had. I don't buy it.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak and please don't blame yourself about this.

I do think she is being quite honest with you that she perhaps never really was as fully invested in this relationship as everyone else. Yes, she may have to told you that she is ready for marriage because of the trip and all the people around her encouraging that and so on. Essentially an in the moment high kind of a thing. I do suspect that she was probably ready to settle even if not quite into it 100% and maybe too comfortable and too lazy to look for someone else. Not saying she is a lazy person, just lazy in the sense of ending things with you and actively looking for someone else. Unfortunately, I have to agree with others here that very likely the move and new job means she stumbled across someone new who floats her boat, plus is that shin,y new, exciting toy. Thus the seemingly sudden about face. I very much doubt it has anything to do with work itself or being supportive or whatever. Not suggesting that she was cheating on you either, just that she likely stumbled into something new and wants to explore that option instead. Also agree that don't be surprised if in a few months she returns with her tail between her legs looking to reconcile.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak and please don't blame yourself about this.

 

I do think she is being quite honest with you that she perhaps never really was as fully invested in this relationship as everyone else. Yes, she may have to told you that she is ready for marriage because of the trip and all the people around her encouraging that and so on. Essentially an in the moment high kind of a thing. I do suspect that she was probably ready to settle even if not quite into it 100% and maybe too comfortable and too lazy to look for someone else. Not saying she is a lazy person, just lazy in the sense of ending things with you and actively looking for someone else. Unfortunately, I have to agree with others here that very likely the move and new job means she stumbled across someone new who floats her boat, plus is that shin,y new, exciting toy. Thus the seemingly sudden about face. I very much doubt it has anything to do with work itself or being supportive or whatever. Not suggesting that she was cheating on you either, just that she likely stumbled into something new and wants to explore that option instead. Also agree that don't be surprised if in a few months she returns with her tail between her legs looking to reconcile.

Thank you for the kind reply. I feel sad because I know there's many things I should have done better in retrospect. Did it give it my all, absolutely and it couldn't have been too bad or her family wouldn't have been so excited about me. But ultimately I didn't give her whatever she needed and failed to see the signs so I feel that's on me. Maybe she did try to impart the seriousness on me and I somehow entirely missed it :/ Why couldn't she just have told me something was wrong or that I was causing her to turn away. It was harder to see especially with the more commitment she was giving I guess made me feel that things were going right.

She has a very happy nature and I think she probably found it hard to be herself when she was with me. I understand the reasoning just the suddenness, lack of communication, and how happy and high my hopes were not too long ago is crushing me.

As to the narrow question, Why couldn't she tell me ...

OP, when I sense my man is not available to me, I am likely to withdraw so as not to impose on him. After that becomes a habit, and I become ever more accustomed to being self sufficient, my trust in and attachment to him abates.

I am learning to communicate better, but that's because my man makes it safe for me to do so (most of the time), and makes communication a priority. I dislike communication and would rather withdraw, when in the moment. If your gf is the same way, perhaps she didn't say anything because she lost faith that you were available enough to hear her, listen to her, and respond in a constructive manner.

You know, your girlfriend has several years of 100+ hour weeks ahead of her and she's just not going to have any time for you. This all may just have hit her and she may be trying to let you down gently. Also working 100+ hour weeks drain you of your emotions and turn you into a zombie, so it could be quite true she has no emotions for you. It's very nice you have all these feelings for her, but I don't think it's feasible for you to continue a relationship with her. It's just unfeasible. You should probably listen to her, accept it, and prepare to move on with your life.

She posted on her instagram her going out clubbing and having a great time, less than a week after the breakup. Also with a guy that i know had already asked her out and was interested in her (also another medicl resident). Please help me move on from this...my heart is in so much pain.

Sorry to hear this. 🙁When did she start talking about this guy? It sounds like she was not ready for a relationship.

She posted on her instagram her going out clubbing and having a great time. with a guy that i know had already asked her out and was interested in her.

She posted on her instagram her going out clubbing and having a great time, less than a week after the breakup. Also with a guy that i know had already asked her out and was interested in her (also another medicl resident). Please help me move on from this...my heart is in so much pain.

You need to delete her from social media, as a first step. Don't be an audience member to her new life.

Sorry to hear this. 🙁When did she start talking about this guy? It sounds like she was not ready for a relationship.

They're in the same residency together, so I would imagine about 2 months ago. She told me she had a few people ask her out when she first got there and this guy was one of them. When I went to visit her a few times, I met him and her other friends. I am very not the jealous type whatsoever so I told her as long as she established boundaries and they knew who I was then she could hangout with whomever she wanted to. I know she considered him and another resident (he's gay) that was there her closest friends and hungout with them the most.

I facebook friended him after I met him, and he accepted. He unfriended me the day of the break. One explanation is he convinced her to breakup with me, and to prove she was over me she deleted everything we had together right away. Because of how much it tore me apart to see her with someone else clubbing so soon, I have deactivated all my social media.

In my heart though I just don't think he's the type of guy she would go for though. Maybe just letting him shower her with attention, it's nice and validating to move on quicker. Plus I've just never seen her to be the type to be already thinking/talking with other people while still in a relationship

Everything felt great until she moved to that city to start residency about a month and a half ago.

It's never a great idea to make any life changing plans during the start of an already life changing event.

As you've noticed, the residency changed her life--and her mind. You get to decide whether you'll want to wait to see if she ever changes her mind back, and for how long. But I'd avoid staying in contact or attempting to influence her in any way.

Do you have a good career? Some women are very status conscious. So she's a doctor now, she has a new self image, and her new guy is a doctor too. It's a somewhat different concept of what you might think is love.