Find myself regressing after almost a year

Quite simply, as the one year anniversary of a very difficult breakup with my most recent ex draws close (November 4th), I find myself regressing in thoughts and feelings about him. I catch myself wanting to talk to him, wanting to ask about what direction his life took. I understand that it would be a horrible idea to reach out and have no intention to do so, but I was wondering if other people on this forum have experienced a similar phenomenon of regression around significant time markers?

I have been on many dates, traveled extensively, accomplished much in my career/education, and am very content in my active and fulfilling social life. My mental and physical health has long since returned to me, and in general I am quite content with my life. No, I have not found someone to "replace" him (which I suppose could be activating my feelings), but it still strikes me as strange that I have such a strong urge to go back and pick off the scab of what was a very painful wound.

Similar experiences, feelings, and any and all insights are quite welcome. On a quest to make heads and tails of my emotions.

Yes. My situation that brought me here was a FWB a year ago and we are now back to just friends after he ghosted me and then tried to come back around. It took a bit but since we are in the same circles we are back to being friends at this point out of necessity. every now and then he will say something that’ll trigger me and I’ll temporarily feel like I’m right back to square one. It sucks but it’ll pass, for me, it’s the next day at most .Accept the feelings as natural and allow them to pass. I think you’ll be fine.

Oh, I can relate. As I'm sure many can on here.

I'm about a year out of a nasty split, and I'd say the agony really lifted in late spring/early summer and gave way to acceptance. Been traveling, working, dating, reclaiming myself—all the goodies, without the weird weight of this being an Intense Period. I like where I am today, and am at a point where I can even be grateful for that relationship—wounds and all—for getting me here. As I write this, I'm on a whirlwind romantic adventure in Asia with a new person. It's been about two months, still undefined, but its been my first taste of sustained butterfly bliss since the big breakup, so you could say I've done the "replacing" bit.

Still, I get the occasional spins, waves of feeling, of wondering what my ex is up to, feeling bad about the way things ended, bad that we couldn't establish even a modicum of cordialness, and so on. I'm sure part of that has to do with it all coming up on a year and just kind of reflecting back on the journey, the always-wild thing that is life and love. In short, it happens, it's normal, and oddly I think that even waves of happiness and acceptance can trigger the feelings you're describing as much as loneliness and longing. I think it's in ways more normal when a breakup was "very difficult," as you put it, as closure tends to be harder to find. More ragged ends, exposed nerves, etc.

So hang in there, and don't judge yourself harshly. You're feeling something you need to feel, not regressing in the least.

Figureitout: Thank you for your kind words and faith in me moving forward positively. I'm sorry to hear that you have forced interactions with someone who caused you so much pain. I sometimes have wondered if NC and the curiosity surrounding my ex's life has caused me to romanticize him at points, and if it would not be better to interact with him again to crush the false perception of our previous relationship that I've created in my mind. However, the voice in my head always warns me that I would have to face the reopening of wounds too, and who wants to go back to early breakup pain? I have come to the conclusion that I should leave sleeping dogs lie what feels like a thousand times, so I don't see myself not sticking to the decision to completely cut ties. After a point, I feel like voluntary interaction with an ex is inviting more unnecessary pain into life.

bluecastle: it's reassuring to hear that another person has taken all the "right" actions and still feels wistful longing from time to time. I definitely agree that positive feelings and experiences can trigger the want to reach out to him, and over time I've been able to anticipate the onslaught of the powerful urge to call, which I think makes it easier to deal with. I also would have liked us to be cordial and speak occasionally, but the thought of doing so causes me deep anxiety (and I've taken that to mean that it would not be healthy for me to try, despite the good place I've found myself in). I know someday my ex will be a distant memory if I just keep on keeping on. It's just nice to hear occasionally that I'm not alone in my reoccurring feeling of being stuck in the same place of recovery.

The first year is by far the hardest. Trust that it does get easier. And I broke NC many times at first, it’s very difficult but now it’s been several years and while there are still distant pangs they disappear quickly if I refocus and reassure myself it’s for the best and keep moving forward. Take care

Figureitout: Thank you for your kind words and faith in me moving forward positively. I'm sorry to hear that you have forced interactions with someone who caused you so much pain. I sometimes have wondered if NC and the curiosity surrounding my ex's life has caused me to romanticize him at points, and if it would not be better to interact with him again to crush the false perception of our previous relationship that I've created in my mind. However, the voice in my head always warns me that I would have to face the reopening of wounds too, and who wants to go back to early breakup pain? I have come to the conclusion that I should leave sleeping dogs lie what feels like a thousand times, so I don't see myself not sticking to the decision to completely cut ties. After a point, I feel like voluntary interaction with an ex is inviting more unnecessary pain into life.

 

bluecastle: it's reassuring to hear that another person has taken all the "right" actions and still feels wistful longing from time to time. I definitely agree that positive feelings and experiences can trigger the want to reach out to him, and over time I've been able to anticipate the onslaught of the powerful urge to call, which I think makes it easier to deal with. I also would have liked us to be cordial and speak occasionally, but the thought of doing so causes me deep anxiety (and I've taken that to mean that it would not be healthy for me to try, despite the good place I've found myself in). I know someday my ex will be a distant memory if I just keep on keeping on. It's just nice to hear occasionally that I'm not alone in my reoccurring feeling of being stuck in the same place of recovery.

Yeah, I hear you on all fronts. I also think there's this thing that happens as we get past the first big wave of insanity where we actually get half-wistful for that very insanity. All that pain, that reflection, that uncertainty, the questioning, the grief, the longing, the what ifs and if onlys—it's agonizing and exhausting, yes. But it's also feeling, and feeling deeply, and at the end of the day feeling deeply is a base human craving.

I do a thing, from time to time, where I have little imaginary conversations with my ex. I let her know that I'm thinking of her, that I hope she's found a good path, that I forgive her for the pain she caused, as I've forgiven myself the pain I've caused her. What's funny is sometimes those moments are simple—just a few seconds—but sometimes they get more complicated, where I can imagine how the conversation would actually go—namely, to some moment of tension/friction that I'm much happier not to deal with in reality. My version of your anxiety, I guess.

I also think the more you can just see these moments as part of the journey forward the less you'll worry about what they mean, if they're some backstep in healing, because they're not. Relationships change us, and they leave a mark that is forever. Time fades the mark, sure, but never nullifies it.

Yeah, I hear you on all fronts. I also think there's this thing that happens as we get past the first big wave of insanity where we actually get half-wistful for that very insanity. All that pain, that reflection, that uncertainty, the questioning, the grief, the longing, the what ifs and if onlys—it's agonizing and exhausting, yes. But it's also feeling, and feeling deeply, and at the end of the day feeling deeply is a base human craving.

 

I do a thing, from time to time, where I have little imaginary conversations with my ex. I let her know that I'm thinking of her, that I hope she's found a good path, that I forgive her for the pain she caused, as I've forgiven myself the pain I've caused her. What's funny is sometimes those moments are simple—just a few seconds—but sometimes they get more complicated, where I can imagine how the conversation would actually go—namely, to some moment of tension/friction that I'm much happier not to deal with in reality. My version of your anxiety, I guess.

 

I also think the more you can just see these moments as part of the journey forward the less you'll worry about what they mean, if they're some backstep in healing, because they're not. Relationships change us, and they leave a mark that is forever. Time fades the mark, sure, but never nullifies it.

True. I'm going to try my hardest to make sure I handle the holidays with grace this year. They should be quite enjoyable if I don't dwell too hard on what happened last year. Heck, Thanksgiving in particular will be a lovely reminder of how be dumped me unceremoniously three weeks prior (and made sure the holiday season would be a show for me... again).

Thanks for helping remember that it's not worth it, bluecastle.

I would stop tracking time and calling it an anniversary. Those are dangerous words to use as you are creating significance where there should be none.

That said, maybe you are onto something in that you are ready to have someone new in your life. You are feeling the loneliness so to speak, but rather than fixating that energy on your ex, start fixating it on dating and meeting that new special someone.

I would stop tracking time and calling it an anniversary. Those are dangerous words to use as you are creating significance where there should be none.

 

That said, maybe you are onto something in that you are ready to have someone new in your life. You are feeling the loneliness so to speak, but rather than fixating that energy on your ex, start fixating it on dating and meeting that new special someone.

Good point. Its hard to forget the time when it's mixed with other dates of significance, but I'll live no differently on the day (if I even notice when it comes).

I have been focusing on dating again more seriously, but after particularly bad experiences I have a tendency to look backwards more. Ah well.

Everyone thinks of an ex now and then and there will be reminders here and there. Embrace it and say to yourself "That was one of the chapters in my life", then smile and go about your day.

Rather than viewing any sentimentality that comes up for review as a time of regression in my progress, I find it helpful to consider this as my signal that I'm better prepared to handle those remnants of 'old business' that I may have been incapable of clearing at any time prior to this.

The first year after a breakup is our time to mentally reclaim any holidays or milestones for ourselves to either celebrate or minimize in our own way. It's natural for some pain to come along with that, but we can choose whether we'll view that pain through a lens of weakness or through a lens we regard as healing into making ourselves stronger.

So no need to stuff your feelings, but rather be selective about the lens through which you credit yourself for processing those. You can view them as bittersweet prompters to acknowledge the building blocks of your past, even while you move your focus onto building an optimistic and strengthened future.

Sure, it's challenging to consider words like 'strength' during times when you've tapped into a vulnerable state, but this is exactly the right time to renew your commitment to your Self care and resilience, because you're deliberately selecting an option to build yourself UP with kindness rather than ditch your faith in your own healing powers.

Head high, you can do this.