HELP. Not sure if my boyfriend is just busy/stressed or falling out of love

This is the questioner: My boyfriend will be dating for a year in one month. When we first started dating he seemed extremely attentive and loving. He was always trying to plan fun and exciting dates to experience new things together. Lately I’ve felt less and less like a priority. I have extremely bad anxiety, but I also am extremely empathic and usually pick up on changes in people’s feelings accurately almost every time. I keep making lists of things that point toward him just being stressed with his job but there are some red flags. He works during the week driving up to suburbs monday-thursday, and works leaving around 8–9am, and coming home around 11pm–12am.

Pros: He still says he loves me, quite a lot. Does sweet things like try and take care of me (make me breakfast), kissing my head, pulling me in close. Recently he got me a small candle when he was visiting home and touted ‘You know why I got you that? … because I love you :)’. Brings me around his friends and family. He visiting his mom and step dad last weekend with which he’s super close and told me how much they were saying how much they absolutely loved me. Most every time I’m around his friends or family, they tell him how much they like me, and he always seems super happy about that and tells me that. However…

Cons: I NEVER see him during the week and live a block away from one another. In the beginning of our relationship he brought up maybe giving me a key so I could be home when he got home but has never brought it up again.. I tried to bring it up again recently and he brushed it off completely…

I get maybe a good morning text, one check in in the afternoon, and goodnight text (usually around midnight which ignores all of my previous questions and responses from before)…I’ve told him I’d love to at least call once during the week and he’s sort of ignored this. When I do see him on the weekend it feels like I’m a last priority. Lately he’s been making plans usually with his friends on friday (fun things like going to live music bars etc…), and then he’s either hungover from those crazy nights, or has been working on the weekends and I get to hang out with him for his ‘relaxation time’…I tried planning a fun dates but it usually gets pushed back due to work or him wanting to work out.

He says he misses me but I feel he’s never taken off time work or left early to meet with me (while he HAS does this with friends). He brought up maybe going on a trip together back in April, and I’ve been sending him itineraries and details and he keeps making excuses…and I find out recently he’s now planning a 2 week trip to vietnam and Japan with ‘the boys’. When we’ve talked about going on a trip together and he knows japan has been the place I’ve told him I really have always dreamed of going to… He ensures me he’d much rather go with me and his friend was badgering him and emailing him every day with all the details and flights and hotels so he just said yet, but it still hurts. It’ll be a year soon, and I feel we have never spent more then 2 consecutive days together ever…

He says he loves me… but I can’t help but feel lately things just feel off. I’m not sure if it’s just work or (his dad is also very sick)… but even with work…I found out recently the reason why he’s been working SO much is because HE’s been taking on work from other people who (ironically), want to spend more time with their significant others…

I try and do sweet things like leave love notes with his favorite drink before I leave one morning. I try to plan fun excursions and dates, and not let any of my anxiety show when we’re together. But lately more and more I feel like it’s a one sided effort, and I’m temporarily sated when he places a kiss on my head or says he loves me, before the creeping anxiety comes up knowing I’ll see him for a few hours saturday night..and a few hours sunday night… and then barely any communication before getting to a weekend hoping he’ll put the effort into time with us.

I’m not sure if I’m being crazy. My whole life I”ve never been good enough. I get the excuse of ‘you’re too good. You’re so smart and beautiful. you deserve more’

I just don’t know why things have changed so much from him being super vocal in how strongly he feels about me and wanting to see me all the time and be with me just just a sparse ‘I miss you’ during the week….and cursory conversation that he can fit in while being at clients all day..

I feel I’m going mad. I feel like he’s worth it. I see a future with him. He’s brought up ‘kids together’, or ‘starting a family together’ (usually while very drunk), but never says anything about maybe moving in together one day or marriage…

I don’t want to give up on someone who I’ve never felt so natural with…however, this crushing loneliness and anxiety is conflicting with my life. I’m abosolutely miserable. I try to make time for myself (working out, reading, seeing friends, watching shows)….but it’s hard when your boyfriend lives a short walk away and you see them for only a few hours a week…I feel he can put more effort into it but whenever I try to bring up my feelings he seems to stonewall me and excuse ‘him being a slave for work’…but now I know he’s the one taking on this extra work…and I know he had someone ‘shatter his heart’ in the past. I think someone cheated on him or treated him poorly…and he always is bringing up like ‘you don’t like me as much as I like you’, or ‘are you sure you’re not sick of me yet’ or the worst still…he keeps bringing up like ‘when you break up with me’ or references me probably dumping him soon… It makes me think he’s projecting feelings of him WANTING me to break up with him… I feel like he’s always done this, and I’ve always had to reassure him (even when things were going really well)..so I’m not sure if this is just bothering me more now because things have been hard lately.

My last boyfriend was awful to me until I finally broke up with him because I wasn’t happy. He later tried to get back together with me saying he recognized how terrible of a bf he was to me, and he just wanted to be single and he was an idiot.

My bf is 29 now so I’m hoping he’s over the ‘single’ stage..but I can’t help but project feelings of him doubting us, and maybe trying to push me away. -_-

Please help!

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are much more invested in this and he is just coasting along. Agree he may be hoping you pull the plug so he doesn't have to deal with that. He seems to be using the slow fade and too busy approaches.

I don't doubt he's very busy and doesn't have much time to communicate with you during the day. He is likely also extremely tired by the time he gets home at night and not really in the mood for a phone call or detailed texting. His workdays sound pretty full-on without much free time.

However, I can also see why you're wondering what's up on the weekends. I would take no issue with him seeing his friends; it's normal he wants to hang out and see them too. But I get the sense you feel like you're mostly getting the "leftovers" of him, rather than him prioritizing some time with you too. I'm sure it also stung when you found out he's planning a trip abroad with his friends while dodging your attempts to do the same. Further I would not put any weight on drunk talk about kids when you two haven't even spoken about living together. A lot of people muse about the future like that, especially under the influence, but his current approach to this relationship doesn't support these desires right now.

I think you're looking at a combination of a stressed/busy man, and yes, some fading interest in the relationship. I would take a step back and see what he does on his own volition, in terms of spending quality time with you and striking a balance between his social life, work, and his relationship with you. If you see that you are still quite a lot more invested, you may want to reconsider dating him.

Out of curiosity, what did he say when you addressed his earlier idea of giving you a key to his place?

MissCanuck-Thank you for response

So initially HE brought up the key thing. It was maybe 3 months into dating and we were preparing to go out for a date night and he was like 'What you would say if maybe I gave you a key and you can sometimes be here when I got home? That doesn't freak you out right????" (This was when he was actually getting home at normal times sometimes during the week). and of course I was like 'No! That'd be so nice! That doesn't freak me out :) "

He never brought it up again. This weekend we went to a baseball game on sunday and were out all day and night with his friends. He had to work on Labor Day, but we were laying in bed together the next morning and he had to get up soon. He said something like 'Do you want to stay here while I go into work? That way you can be here when I get home?" and I replied 'Of course! I'd love that! Maybe I can have dinner ready for when you get home?" and then I was like "I'd kinda want to go home and shower though at some point and pick up groceries. Maybe you can leave your key so I can get back in?" and he kind of like in a joking manner was like "Ohhhh you want a key to may plaaace???" and I just got nervous like "Idk yeahh that'd be nice" and I think he just pulled me in to cuddle but didn't follow up with anything? He then went on to make me breakfast and told me to stay in bed he would take care of everything.

I asked again when he was getting ready to leave like 'soooo do you want to leave your keys so I can get back in?' and he kind of brushed off even that again and was like 'Actually I'm not sure when I'll be back tonight it might be late so I'll just let you know when I"m on my way home so you can come over :) but stay as long as you want for now" and kissed me good bye.

When I saw him later he said how much work sucked being there on Labor Day and said how much he missed me and that he loved me and continued to be sad like 'I'm going to miss you this week :( Works going to suck this week" but never brought up the key again...

Wiseman2- Thank you for your response :( It's confusing because he's making time on weekends when he can. He works 9am-12am monday-thursday. It's just super confusing because when we're together he's saying I love you more than ever lately. Seemed super smitten last weekend telling me about how his parents were gushing over me and how they loved me (which seems a weird thing to even tell me if he's not feeling the relationship). And then asked me to go to Madison next weekend to visit his brother with him (hotel over the weekend) who's just starting in college. Not sure why he's making these plans if he wants me to break up with him. Just so confusing -_- Thank you for your input though.

Don't do this. Do not accept or ask for a key. Do not hang around and wait for him. You are pushing way too hard. He doesn't have to ask you out or make time for you when you do this. Stop hanging around pushing to play house. Have your own life. Yes pull way back.

'Do you want to stay here while I go into work? That way you can be here when I get home?" and I replied 'Of course! I'd love that! Maybe I can have dinner ready for when you get home?"

It definitely sounds like you are not his first, second or even third priority at this time. And yes you do deserve better. If it was really just because of work, you would know that. Trust your instincts. Back off. Don't send text messages that he then gets the opportunity to ignore. Just full on stop. You can reply if he reaches out--but I sense this will result in him feeling like you haven't "gone anywhere" and then he will resume with not making you a higher priority. I have taken a break from dating and it's been such a good thing because now when I read of situations like yours; it seems so simple and transparent. The bottom line is you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cares about meeting your emotional needs and normal desire for more connection, and is available to give and receive that. You say you are anxious and unhappy. Why not give yourself the gift of freedom and break up with him? It doesn't mean he's a terrible person. Just maybe he's not your person, not now. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet someone who is available to you. The longer you drag this out the more it will tear you down.

Sounds like he's pulling away emotionally, but stringing you along a bit more. Could be that he's not entirely sure he wants to pull the plug yet or feels guilty. I've heard that people planning on breaking up actually get more loving leading up to the breakup, probably due to guilt. I'd stop initiating anything, pull yourself away emotionally, do more and more for your self. Actions speak louder than words and his declarations of love don't match his actions.

Agree. Talk is cheap, as they say.

Actions speak louder than words and his declarations of love don't match his actions.

I agree with the others. You are at the mercy of him setting the pace of this relationship and being continuously disappointed. It's time to take time off from doing all the heavy lifting and get busy doing things that make you happy. Apparently you have a considerable amount of free to do so and then in your absence see if he'll even try to meet you half way.

It's a typical dynamic, create some space and see if he makes the effort to fill it in. If he doesn't, then you take your own self care into your hands and tell him this relationship isn't meeting your needs. Because it clearly isn't.

Sitting there worrying creates anxiety. That never solves anything.

Take matters into your own hands and you change the pace of this relationship.

I agree with the others. You are at the mercy of him setting the pace of this relationship and being continuously disappointed. It's time to take time off from doing all the heavy lifting and get busy doing things that make you happy. Apparently you have a considerable amount of free to do so and then in your absence see if he'll even try to meet you half way.

 

It's a typical dynamic, create some space and see if he makes the effort to fill it in. If he doesn't, then you take your own self care into your hands and tell him this relationship isn't meeting your needs. Because it clearly isn't.

 

Sitting there worrying creates anxiety. That never solves anything.

Take matters into your own hands and you change the pace of this relationship.

Thank you...I feel like I do. I work out for hours after work, meet with friends if he doesn't make plans...Let him come to me for the plans lately or don't text him initially for anything lately. I just don't know if it's because of this crazy insane schedule in addition to his dad being terminally ill (which I've noticed he acts odd when his dad is ignoring him). I just don't want to give up on something the first weeks when things are tough. I was happy up until like a few weeks ago so I'm not sure if I'm chalking up to my unhapiness to my extreme anxiety (I have very severe anxiety in addition to abandonment issues)..Not sure if I should just keep giving him his space and let me work through this difficult work period and see if he comes around.

He's my first love which makes it so hard. I don't know if I should just stick strong and hope things get better or if I should actually talk to him about how I'm feeling.

What if you didn't do anything? Don't overly invest in him and don't discount him at the same time.

Anytime you want to make a judgment, you instead get busy with something else.

You could be right. It may just be a bump in the road and there isn't any action to take at this time.

But at the same time you need to get a handle on your anxiety and the anxiety that it waiting it out might cause.

What other choices do you have?

You could end it or you can talk to him about it. . or wait it out. It's your call.

Trust your instincts. You've received some very good advice here. Now the next move is on you.

It sounds to me like you are smothering him. Leaving love notes and a favorite drink when a guy is treating you poorly is a recipe for disaster.

You are giving way more to the relationship than he is and should pull way back. Let him wonder about you rather than the other way around.

Putting myself in his shoes, I've often acted this way to guys when they seemed sure I was "the one" and I was not so sure. I also get uncomfortable when I feel that a guy's happiness is dependent on the way I am acting. It creates a lot of pressure.

You think that by doing things for him he'll see just how amazingly awesome you are and will automatically want to spend more time with you.

What actually happens is he gives you very little time, prioritizes his friends, throws you some pretty words that are not followed up with actions...and you reward him with gifts.

My ex told me "You know how I am and you keep coming back. I figure you like being treated like that."

If you keep coming back despite him spending less and less time with you, you are showing him you are fine with scraps.

It's time to take time off from doing all the heavy lifting and get busy doing things that make you happy. [...] create some space and see if he makes the effort to fill it in.

^^^This. I'd put him on the back burner and pursue the rest of my life. By making him your priority, you're depriving yourself of valuable information. Either the guy will grow to miss you given enough space, and he will step up, or not.

If not, isn't that something you'll want to know?

Take matters into your own hands and you change the pace of this relationship.

Yes, and this doesn't mean ramp it up, it means pull yourself back. That sounds counterintuitive, but when someone is taking you for granted it often means that you're taking your SELF for granted. Skip that, invest in your own life while with him or without him, because it's only healthy to do that anyway.

Head high, and read my sig.

I am going through a very similar situation in my relationship. We have been together for 3 years. The last year and a half had been the worse. He says it all in my head and has excuses for stuff. Mine blows me off on the weekend. The weekdays when he’s talking to me. He has gone days week with out contact and feels it’s normak. Blames Work stress and etc. maybe we can help each other figure this out.

I am going through a very similar situation in my relationship. We have been together for 3 years. The last year and a half had been the worse. He says it all in my head and has excuses for stuff. Mine blows me off on the weekend. The weekdays when he’s talking to me. He has gone days week with out contact and feels it’s normak. Blames Work stress and etc. maybe we can help each other figure this out.

I spoke to him about things. Mostly I brought up that I understand that work has been rough, but if we could do small things to make it easier (like maybe a phone call during the week, or try to have at least one sleepover during the week even if it's late). My biggest things was wondering if he was in this for the long haul, and if he saw me as a long term thing because I wasn't sure lately.

He was shocked that I had been struggling and didn't realize he'd been affecting me this in way. He'd been bringing up me breaking up with him because he knew his work schedule was hard to deal with and it was his way of voicing his insecurities that I might not want to stick around when he's working till midnight every night. He told me that he does see me as something long term, and sees me someone he can see growing and potentially marrying one day.

I guess I just had to speak with him about things, and quell my own insecurities and anxiety and try to not worry about it. I'm realizing that some things will change a little (especially when he's been burnt out on his current projects). After the talk that night, I could tell he was putting in an extra effort. Being super affectionate and vocal about his feelings towards me.

The next day he had to work from home from 9am-4am, but had me over the whole time just hang out. The next monday he followed up with actions and called me on his way home and had me over to sleep over.

I think I'm just dealing with a guy with a lot of insecurities and who sometimes doesn't know how to manage his actions with withdrawing when he has a lot of stress. Things seem to be going well with us now, especially now that I have more of certainty that he's not amping up to break up with me (which I calmly gave him every opportunity if that's how he was feeling).

Daisy: Instead of asking him "there's something wrong right?", maybe just approach it is "I've been sad/unhappy lately. And it may just be in my head or own anxiety, but what can we do together to make things work?"

I'm not sure of the exact specifics of your situation, but maybe approach it is "I love hearing from you during the week, can we try and do that more?".

Not sure how helpful my advice is since I think me and my boyfriend are both dealing with insecurities. After our talk though, I've taken to just giving him even more space, and trying not to let it get to me when he's distant or making other plans. As long as I have the reassurance I'm not wasting my time on someone who doesn't see me long term, I'm fine with letting him have whatever space he needs.

Sorry but he keeps issuing invitations to leave hoping you breakup or at least get the hint. Perhaps he's too busy to date and he knows he can continue this with words, excuses etc since you are willing to continue and have sex for so little and will acquiesce to booty call when he calls on his way home from work.

Do not hang out with him when he's working. Go home and do things for yourself, with your friends whatever. Don't be that desperate. If he won't make time for you, that's your answer. Stop claiming he's "insecure", when he's just not as interested in dating as you are and telling you this in words and actions..

He'd been bringing up me breaking up with him because he knew his work schedule was hard to deal with.

 

The next day he had to work from home from 9am-4am, but had me over the whole time just hang out. called me on his way home and had me over to sleep over.

Sorry but he keeps issuing invitations to leave hoping you breakup or at least get the hint. Perhaps he's too busy to date and he knows he can continue this with words, excuses etc since you are willing to continue and have sex for so little and will acquiesce to booty call when he calls on his way home from work.

 

Do not hang out with him when he's working. Go home and do things for yourself, with your friends whatever. Don't be that desperate. If he won't make time for you, that's your answer. Stop claiming he's "insecure", when he's just not as interested in dating as you are and telling you this in words and actions..

He's not talked about me thinking I might leave since we had a talk. I'm familiar with the company he works with and they're known for crazy insane work hours. There's nothing he can do about it. You just have to put in the work and eventually it pays off. I think you might be being a little negative Wiseman. We had a very long, thorough talk where I gave him every opportunity to say he was too busy, and he says that's not what he wants. Just people in his profession often have a lot of trouble with their SO's having trouble with the work hours so he was worried I was wouldn't put up with it. The "booty call" wasn't a booty call. It was something we discussed doing during our talk (just coming over even if it was late, to watch a show and go to sleep- which we did). Us hanging out had no sex involved, it was just spending some more quality time together. It was something we specifically talked about in our talk, which he followed up with actions since he knew it would make me happy (which I think shows care in a relationship to listen to what your partner is saying and willing to actually put in the effort to do that because they care).

And hanging out while he was working is also making it work. It was a Sunday and I didn't have plans other than hanging out at home relaxing anyway. We usually hang out on sundays so he invited me over to read or play video games while he worked (he bought an xbox and game for me specifically for this reason). I think after a year of a relationship, we should be able to just chill out together even if he's working (taking small breaks to cuddle on the couch together and joke around). He was super frustrated having to work on sunday since his team ed up, and said how much having me hanging around made it so much less stressful and better having to deal with that. If I can reduce his stress as a partner, while hanging out and getting to spend a little time together when I would have been just lazing about at home anyway, I'll do that. This company actually makes their employees work crazy hours, so him having me come over (even if he's forced to work), is "making time for me".

He's followed up with inviting me on a weekend trip with his family this past weekend. I just don't think you putting people down to being "desperate" when there's clear action and words in a relationship is healthy advice to give. I want people to read this and know that not all fears are founded, and that if you have the courage to communicate, it COULD make things clear for both sides. I think communicating in a relationship, and another partner making changes in words AND actions is part of being in a healthy adult relationship.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. He is obviously not as invested in the relationship as you are and needs to be making more of an effort. You guys have been together for long enough that he should be prioritizing you over 'the boys' and even work to some extent. I would be hurt by the things that you have mentioned. He needs to know that you are miserable and that something needs to change or it will not last. Once you have explained everything you explained to us, to him, the ball is in his park and he can make changes. If you don't express all of this to him than you will just be miserable and stay that way until the relationship ends. Who knows if he will change after you talk to him but if he doesn't than you will know that he doesn't care enough about you and your feelings/needs.