Boyfriend's mother hates me

Hi all. I am dealing with a situation in which I've never had to deal before, and I am hoping someone can help me.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a while. Everything is lovely between us, and I'm very happy with where our relationship is. For a little background, I come from a very Italian American family. My family is of the utmost importance to me, and my mom, ever since I reached adulthood, is my best friend. I have lived on my own and supported myself financially since I was 16. I am now 26, have advanced degrees, and have a very well-established career which I love. Given how important my family is to me, I've always considered my significant others' families to be mine, as well. I was always very close with my exes' parents, and I have never had parents dislike me at all.

Well, my boyfriend's mother is very British, which I think is relevant in terms of cultural differences between my family and hers. She and my boyfriend's father divorced when my boyfriend was quite young, and truly, she has awful things to say about his father. My boyfriend and his father have a good relationship none the less.

My boyfriend lives with his mother still, so I used to see her quite often. We would get dinner together, grab a drink together, I've done some work for her that would be very costly to actually hire me through my firm to do, I've done similar things for her daughter (who I am relatively close to), and when his mom quite literally overdrafted her bank account, I came by a few nights saying I just went grocery shopping (her house is on the way to my home from work), and asked if she and he would like to have dinner with me. I tried to form a relationship with her, and it all seemed to be going normally.

Well, one day everything changed. She found out I represent her old boss and since then she has decided that I am satan. She has told my boyfriend that I'm childish, unstable, untrustworthy, controlling, and that I'm isolating him from all his friends. She asked that I not come around anymore. All of this came out of nowhere, and while I certainly have my fair share of flaws, her description of me is completely incorrect. Most importantly, my boyfriend's friends love me, and invite me to join them whenever they go out. He sees his friends more than any other grown adult I know (multiple times a week), and frankly, with my work schedule, I don't have time to control who he sees and when even if that's what I wanted to do.

Anyway, I reached out to her and told her I'm very sorry if there's a misunderstanding or if I overstepped, but that wasn't my intention. She acted like nothing was ever wrong. But for the last month and half she has made my boyfriend's life miserable and can't contain her ridiculous thoughts about me.

Can someone please help me understand this situation? Her hatred is out of nowhere and so unfounded, and I truly have no idea what to do.

Who told you these things she said about you? Unfortunately this is the problem, he's a mama's boy:

My boyfriend lives with his mother still.

Who told you these things she said about you? Unfortunately this is the problem, he's a mama's boy:

That's an awful lot to gather from one sentence, and also incorrect, but thanks for the advice.

She has said it to me. And yes, my boyfriend defends me every time which fuels her hatred of me more.

There's only one person here that can fix this situation, your boyfriend.

He has to sit down with his mother and tell her enough is enough and to start respecting you. He really should be living on his own as well.

But if things are going badly like this, it's your boyfriend who is allowing it and not telling his mother to knock it off.

You can't say anything as it's not your place, you need to lay low until things settle down. But they won't get better if your bf sits there and let's it go on.

Yikes, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

This isn't a culture clash, in my opinion. The way I see it, there are other factors at work here:

I think she is actually very insecure that her son will sooner or later move out and she sees you as taking him away from her. Look at what she says about her ex-husband. There's a pattern here with people she perceives as a threat to her or have "wronged" her in some way. There's also evidently some big resentment against her old boss - what's the story there? She appears to be making a very strong and negative association between them and you.

You sound very reasonable and mature. You did the stand-up thing by reaching out and trying to clear up any misunderstanding. It says a lot about her that she apparently unleashed this vitriol out of nowhere. Do you know if she has a history of emotional outbursts like this? How did your boyfriend come about revealing all of this to you? And what's his response to his mom?

I think that unfortunately this won't get better until he moves out and put some boundaries there. Does he have plans to do so?

She has told my boyfriend that I'm childish, unstable, untrustworthy, controlling, and that I'm isolating him from all his friends.

Wiseman was referring to this.

She is a snake - you have shown her kindness and she throws it back at you. I am in an intercultural relationship and like Miss Canuck mentioned, this is NOT a culture clash.

Mom is very emotionally unstable. She is the type of person who carries grudges and associates them to other people. No matter what you do, she will perceive you as a threat. I would completely lay off her and have your boyfriend stepping up to deal with her. You are in NO authority to intervene. There is nothing you can do at this point. Your boyfriend needs to assert boundaries and distance himself to be more independent from her.

How on earth did you know she had an overdraft on her account? Sounds to me like you got way over involved with his family. It's one thing to be friendly and quite another to get over involved to the extent you have as that is liable to bite you in the rear. Probably best that you back way off, stop going over to her house, stop trying to build some close relationship with her and stay away for a good long time. This isn't cultural, btw. Clearly the woman is vindictive as all get out and crazy, but also quite possible that she sees this as such a betrayal because you got too close and too involved with her. Also.....she shouldn't know who your clients are.....could be unethical on your part to share that kind of info.

To be frank, OP, sounds like you need to learn/develop some healthier boundaries when it comes to relationships outside your own family. Meanwhile, back way away from this woman and let your bf handle her as he sees fit. Don't go to her house, don't contact her, lay low and let her relent if she is willing. Given her history, that may never happen so it will be up to your bf to decide what he wants to do with his life. Move out of mom's house and assert some adult boundaries so he can have a healthy relationship, or stay put and appease mom.

How do you know she dislikes you because you represent her old boss. How did she find out you represent the boss--- with client confidentiality - why would you have told her you do?

Lots of good advice to process. As a general response, my boyfriend has sat her down and told her that her behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable, and that just makes her rage more. He and I were going to move in together in November when my lease was up, but he has been staying at my place for a month since the start of this. I haven't seen her since her most recent outburst to my face. Who knows what she says to him when I'm not around.

As to how I know that information, she had invited me to a happy hour and told me then. Everything I know she has volunteered on her own. Trust me, I'm actually a pretty introverted person and never delve into other people's personal affairs. As to your ethical concerns, I'm not a doctor, I am allowed to say who my clients are, and it came up in normal conversation because she said his name and I said "small world, hes one of my clients" and that was the end of the conversation.

For what it's worth, this woman hates her other son's wife, and her daughter's long term boyfriend.

I'm Sicilian and Spanish American with my fiancee's family being English and German, so nearly an identical dynamic there. There's never been a petty issue like this. This isn't a matter of culture unless you have a prejudice against "British" people, thinking they're intrinsically petty.

To agree with you, he can't control who his mother is nor can he control how she behaves. The best he can do is defend you when he's in a position to. However, until it's ever legal to arbitrarily place a physical gag another unwilling adult, there's not much he can do to stop her.

Still, as others have also mentioned, this is who she is, and you've gotta ask yourself if you'd be happy knowing you'll likely never have a strong or friendly relationship with his mother. Accordingly, you'll have to adapt and stop putting yourself in a position to be exposed to her toxicity.

For what it's worth, this woman hates her other son's wife, and her daughter's long term boyfriend

Well, there you have it. This is what this woman is like. While it's unfair and undeserved, surely you are not surprised that's she now turned on you too?

Why is he still living with mommy?

If that's the case, then you will just have to accept how she is. The best you can do is move back from her. Don't expect to be best friends.

Hopefully your bf can move out so it won't be such an issue anymore.

For what it's worth, this woman hates her other son's wife, and her daughter's long term boyfriend.

In other words, she’s a nasty woman whom you’ll never get along with. That is something you will have to accept. To be honest, not everyone gets along with their inlaws and still have healthy marriages because of enforcement of boundaries.

As long as your boyfriend has no problem cutting her out of his life because she is so toxic and vindictive, then your relationship will have peace.

“For what it's worth, this woman hates her other son's wife, and her daughter's long term boyfriend.”

And this is all you need to know . She’s a petty angry woman and this is not about you . You could be the Queen of England going out with her son and it would make no difference she would be exactly the same . This is not about you this is about anybody that would be going out with her child .

I have a toxic relationship with my in-laws. Not everybody gets a good relationship with the in-laws .

Well, what happened with her old boss? You said she changed when she found out you represent him. You made that sound like the reason. Is he an old boyfriend?

He lives with his mother to pay down loans faster. I understand the desire to judge an adult for living home, but I respect his decision to pay down his 6 figure student loans by saving on rent.

It's not that I thought I'd be different, but her and I did get along well enough up until her melt down, so I assumed we could maintain that tolerance. I'm really just trying to get back to that point.

It never worked for me. I tried to be a loving sweet daughter-in-law the more loving and sweet I got the more they shoved me away . It was supposed to be them and their children until the end of time is what my father-in-law told me and I would never be a part of their family . 30 years later it is still the same. I’ve been with my husband almost 30 years and married almost 25 of them and I’m still just barely tolerated ,barely and only because I gave them a grandchild . Some people just have no use for in-laws and that’s the way it is . They think they are supposed to be at odds with in-laws .

Your bf makes his own life and indirectly your life miserable by living with her and letting her pay his bills "so he can pay off debt". He's not going to bite the hand that feeds him.

All you can do is not go there and let your bf hang out at your place or let him move in rent-free so you can offer him a better deal than he's getting at his mother's.

She has told my boyfriend that I'm childish, unstable, untrustworthy, controlling, and that I'm isolating him from all his friends. She asked that I not come around anymore. she has made my boyfriend's life miserable and can't contain her ridiculous thoughts about me.

Your bf makes his own life and indirectly your life miserable by living with her and letting her pay his bills "so he can pay off debt". He's not going to bite the hand that feeds him.

 

All you can do is not go there and let your bf hang out at your place or let him move in rent-free so you can offer him a better deal than he's getting at his mother's.

I find your posts on here to always be rather short sighted and frankly generally rude. I didn't say he lives rent free. I didn't say he doesn't pay his way. We happen to live in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the country and he saves thousands a month by paying half his mother's rent instead of moving out on his own. We also had already planned to cohabitate in November, and this has just sped up that process.

He also isn't making my life indirectly miserable. He sticks up to her when I'm around, and he has pretty much ruined his relationship with her by just not speaking to her or seeing her since the last incident. That just isn't what I want for him. I dont want him to ever feel like he has to choose between his mother or me, so I just want to find a solution to make her tolerate my existence so that he can continue having some form of a relationship with her.

It never worked for me. I tried to be a loving sweet daughter-in-law the more loving and sweet I got the more they shoved me away . It was supposed to be them and their children until the end of time is what my father-in-law told me and I would never be a part of their family . 30 years later it is still the same. I’ve been with my husband almost 30 years and married almost 25 of them and I’m still just barely tolerated ,barely and only because I gave them a grandchild . Some people just have no use for in-laws and that’s the way it is . They think they are supposed to be at odds with in-laws .

I appreciate this. Perhaps just accepting she will always dislike me will be enough to de-escalate the situation. Thank you.

The more you try with this woman, the worse you will make it. You've got to take a deep breath, chill out, accept that she is nuts and leave her alone. Time and space might eventually bring about some semblance of civility. At the very least it will allow your bf to patch things up with her. You have got to keep out of this and keep well away from. Resist your fix it urge.

Dealing with people like her is a bit like trying to pet a poisonous snake. You might do it 50 times in a row and the snake will be nice. The 51st time it will bite you just because. If you insist on continuing to pet it, better stock up on anti-venom because you will continue to get bit whenever it feels like sinking its teeth in you and the more you get into its space, the more often it will bite you. You've got to learn how to wave at it from a safe distance and otherwise keep away.

I appreciate this. Perhaps just accepting she will always dislike me will be enough to de-escalate the situation. Thank you.

I think that's what you might need to do.

It's not pleasant, but she is the problem. Not you. I would do as some of the others have suggested, and just keep as wide of a berth as you can.