Any advice for mutually agreed period of no contact..

Hi all

As the title suggests I’m looking for some advice regarding no contact with an ex.

Long story short, we were together for almost 7 years and both hurt each other very badly. After several years apart, we got back in contact, we met in person a few times, chatted daily and both admitted we still had very strong feelings for each other and that we made a mistake in breaking up. We had both worked on ourselves as individuals during this time apart and agreed that this along with the passage of time had mostly healed the hurt.

During the time apart, we both ended up in our current relationships that are very stable and safe but are missing something…. (a spark, genuine love, attraction, friendship). We both are content(ish) in our current relationships but not happy and are curious about whether to give us another go…

We mutually agreed to no contact for a period of just over 2 months to get our heads clear about whether we wanted to give our relationship a proper go or continue our lives in the stable, content manner.

We’re almost 3 weeks in and I am struggling, wondering how I’m going to endure another 5 weeks of this…. I think the problem is that there’s an end date. Like if I could imagine we were just not going to be together and that I’d never hear from him again it would be easier…because I could just draw a line under it! Any tips/ ideas /advice would be greatly appreciated…

well the first thing you should do is end your current relationship; its unfair to the person your dating if your just going to get up and leave them in 5 weeks or so. Sounds to me you already have one foot out the door so you should just end it now. 2nd I would reflect on the reasons why you actually broke up with your ex in the first place and see if you have addressed the issues you have or contributed to your breakup. 3rd be prepared to hear that this ex rather not rekindle your relationship.

As for the NC thing, just try to keep busy and don't really focus on them. Get in the gym, stay active with hobbies, hang with friends etc. Its one of those things that gets a bit easier as time goes on (at least for me)

You sound like a person who has spent most of their life in a relationship and can't imagine being out of one, but your behavior indicates you should take some time alone to work on yourself. You're currently emotionally cheating on your partner and went behind their back to make a deal with your ex. You seem to have no remorse for your actions, and no empathy for your current partner.

I doubt you'll take my advice, but end your present relationship and stay permanently NC with your toxic on-and-off ex. See a professional and work on your codependency issues before you try to date again.

So you are in an on/off conflicted but can't resist the sex relationship? So now you decide cheating on your respective partners to this end is a good idea?

And suddenly both your partners are dull and lackluster now that you two hooked up again? So you are both using your current partners as space fillers because you both "ended up" there?

It sounds like you deserve each other and should break no contact and go for it, freeing your respective 'dull and safe' partners to find loving and faithful partners.

Did both of you tell your current parents that you are "old friends" but with the agenda of hooking up again someday?

we both ended up in our current relationships that are very stable and safe but are missing something…a spark, genuine love, attraction, friendship. I am struggling, wondering how I’m going to endure another 5 weeks of this

You will never find the spark with your current relationship if your mind and heart is somewhere else pining over this guy.

The unknown will always be more exciting than the known and stable.

Clearly you are not happy with the current or your focus would be on this relationship. You should let this one go of it’s own accord because clearly you are not happy if you are looking elsewhere.

Why haven't you sought counseling to address your problems, not run away from them.

We both as individuals have sought counselling in our years apart. We have only got back in contact after 7 years and rather than rushing into things we decided to take time out from each other so we could make sure that this was what we really wanted and not just some fantasy fairy tale ending...

I thought that not being in contact would give me some clarity so that I could decide what the best thing to do is...

People in relationships have wobbles

all the time it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to go back to my ex.. but maybe it needed to happen so I can either move on from a relationship that isnt fulfulling me or decide that this is in fact what I want and commit

You should have done couples counseling, or you will simply return to the same issues.

You should have done couples counseling, or you will simply return to the same issues.

Thanks for your reply Hollyj. You are quite right, I imagine if we do decide it is what we both want, then I would definitely be interested in pursuing couples counselling...he is into therapy and self help so I'd say he would also be interested.

My concern is that I'm so focused on the end of no contact that I can't use the time to think clearly

This isn't really a relationship wobble though, OP. It's you deciding whether to break up and return to your ex or not. I'd say it's more serious than a wobble.

I would reflect on this: What is it about your current relationship that you find unsatisfying? Did you feel that way before you and your ex started communicating regularly again? Does your current partner know that you're quite unhappy?

Thanks for your reply Hollyj. You are quite right, I imagine if we do decide it is what we both want, then I would definitely be interested in pursuing couples counselling...he is into therapy and self help so I'd say he would also be interested.

 

My concern is that I'm so focused on the end of no contact that I can't use the time to think clearly

I think you need to see the big picture for it to work.

Good luck

We mutually agreed to no contact for a period of just over 2 months to get our heads clear about whether we wanted to give our relationship a proper go or continue our lives in the stable, content manner.

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