Ending an 8-year friendship?

Here is some context – I’ve been friends with this girl for almost 8 years. Let’s call her Sally. Throughout our high school career, we’ve had a bit of conflict because she would talk behind people’s backs whenever she was angry or upset at them rather than just directly confronting them. A mutual friend of ours noticed this too, and so they stopped being friends because of it. I stuck by because she promised me she wouldn’t do it anymore (although I’m not sure if she actually kept her promise). I also noticed that she lacked originality; she was constantly trying to talk, act, and dress like me. If I picked up a new hobby, she would too – but she’d do it privately so that I’m unaware of it.

Other than that, she also has a lot of self-esteem issues. There was a point in high school when she cried and told me she felt like a loser compared to me because I was “talented” and had “everything” while she had nothing. I tried to reassure her and mend our friendship somehow, and it lasted all the way until today. We’re both 21 years old.

And yet, she still talks behind my back – even to my own friends whom she barely knows. I confronted her about this, and she tells me that she has a lot of built up animosity towards me from HIGH SCHOOL – and they’re all material related. Below are some situations:

1) For my birthday, we went out to karaoke with a group of friends. She went, but didn’t sing. However, everyone pitched in $15 to pay for the fee. She told me that she was angry at me for not excusing her of paying her part since she didn’t sing. I told her that I would have the same for her because it is the sentiment of being able to celebrate your close friend’s birthday; money shouldn’t be of concern on a special day like this. Also, I had to wake up super early that morning to go to her graduation that was 2 hours away from home where I had to pitch in with other friends to pay for gas – I never once complained about that.

2) Throughout our years of being friends, we would do gift exchanges where we would agree on a budget and send each other our wish lists. She told me that she would go online to check and see if all the gifts I bought her actually added up to the budget – and then proceeded to accuse me of going under the limit and “cheating” her. I told her that I would never do that to her; there are millions of websites to buy gifts from online with varying prices – she doesn’t even know which source I purchased from to be making such a claim.

3) She told me that she always drives us to far out destinations when we hang out. This is true – but the only reason why I can’t drive too far is because I drive a very old car. I don’t want to put us in a position where my car could break down in the middle of the road. However, I always try my best to drive us whenever we’re local to compensate for that – and I also chip for gas if we do go on day trips.

After responding to all of these claims, she said she understands me and is sorry for talking behind my back and that she shouldn’t have held all these grudges against me when she’s well aware that they were from years ago and have no real impact on our friendship now. I forgave her again.

But the issues keep coming. I often feel like she is selfish. I invite her to a lot of my hangouts to meet my friends and family and she is my plus one to almost every event that I go to; I always try my best to make her feel comfortable because I know she doesn’t have too many close friends but she never does the same. One time, my work place hosted a giveaway and I suggested that she join as well so we have a higher chance of winning; if one of us wins, we’ll split the prize of $75. She ended up winning and then proceeded to say that she never received the gift card. I call bull.

I don’t know. I’m in a difficult position. I don’t know if I want to throw away an 8-year friendship – but at the same time I feel like this is becoming more and more toxic. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This girl has been an emotional vampire on you for the last 8 years, draining you of your positive energy. She is selfish, controlling and manipulative and you should have shaken her off a long time ago. She is ungrateful and mean spirited. You should spend as little time as possible with her.

You should have ended this long ago. She is not your friend. What are you hanging on to?

If I hear someone talking about their 'friends,' I distance myself. If they are talking about them, they are talking about me.

Slow fade is the best approach here. Stop taking about any of your personal life. Only talk about general nonsense. Always be "busy". Reset your privacy settings on all social media so that she sees only what the general public could see (don't unfriend, too obvious and invites confrontation). Slowly but surely become the most drab boring and busy person on earth. Do not let her know anything about you that you wouldn't put on a jumbotron in Times Square. Leopards don't change their spots and you can't fix or change her character or personality.

I don’t know if I want to throw away an 8-year friendship – but at the same time I feel like this is becoming more and more toxic.

I agree with Wiseman -- start just doing things with other friends - she doesn't always have to be your plus one - rotate and spend time with other friends. Don't tell her big secrets. And it will naturally happen that you will spend less time with her and keep good boundaries again

Slow fade is the best approach here. Stop taking about any of your personal life. Only talk about general nonsense. Always be "busy". Reset your privacy settings on all social media so that she sees only what the general public could see (don't unfriend, too obvious and invites confrontation). Slowly but surely become the most drab boring and busy person on earth. Do not let her know anything about you that you wouldn't put on a jumbotron in Times Square. Leopards don't change their spots and you can't fix or change her character or personality.

A friend shared the other day that our personalities and values mirror the 5 people closest to us. If this person doesn't mirror your values anymore, move her to your outer circle... it will leave room for a relationship that is more reciprocal and supportive.

It doesn't need to be an all or nothing deal. Stop inviting her places. If she ever invites you out, see her if it suits you, decline if it does not. If she never invites you out, then she solves the problem without you doing a thing.

Most friendships diverge at some point without burning bridges. This makes room for meeting on higher ground someday. Instead of burning yourself out to accommodate her or causing a drama over ditching her, just withdraw your investment and allow the friendship to sink or swim depending on the degree that SHE is willing to step up to save it.

Head high, and read my sig.

I had three 'friendships' from which I did a slow fade a few years back. They were all people where I felt as though I was being put through a mincer after about 20 mins in their company; all felt they were entitled to pry into other people's lives, and one was a clinical psychologist who didn't seem to realise that friends and neighbours weren't her clients, and proceeded to put everyone through the kind of painful experiences which might have been appropriate in the consulting room. Including if you'd just gone out for a drink, or to a party... you get the picture.

The latter was someone I'd known for 30 years, but after reflection I realised that the length of time I'd known her was irrelevant. She was very unpleasant to be around, and I could either endure it for (potentially) another 30 years, or fade gracefully into the distance. It wasn't a difficult choice by that stage!