Should I tell his girlfriend?

I did something awful. I used to work with a guy and we became friends very fast. He was sweet and fun to be around. It got flirty at one point and he would tell me I’m pretty and put his arm around me at work. This was before I started flirting back. Eventually, he asked for my number and to hang out that night after work. I gave him my number and agreed to hang out with him. That night, it was just me, him, and two of his friends that were dating, all hanging out watching TV. He told me he had a girlfriend and I was somewhat disappointed but I just shrugged it off and thought “it’ll still be nice to have a friend”. Later that night, he started putting his arm around me and eventually started kissing me. I pushed him off at some points and would ask about his girlfriend. But in the end, I didn’t stop him. We had sex. I would ask him multiple times if he was sure and would ask him about his girlfriend. But he would always push the topic aside and tell me he was ok with it.

I told myself and promised him that I wouldn’t say anything to ANYONE and that “it never happened.”

I stopped caring about it, just because I never told anyone. I also stopped talking to him because I’m not attracted to him or his personality. I also don’t respect him allowing himself to cheat on his girlfriend and the thought of him makes me hate myself for letting it happen. I feel absolutely terrible for his poor girlfriend.

He recently started trying to get in contact with me again. Trying to be nice, I started a conversation with him. He told me he wants to do it again and that I was the best he’s ever had. He keeps calling me Baby and getting upset when I don’t respond fast.

So here’s my question: do I tell his girlfriend? I would try to be as respectful as possible. I do not respect myself for it and I don’t expect her to either. I just think it’s unfair for this poor girl to have no idea what her boyfriend is out doing. It’s been eating away at me. Don’t know if it’s my business or not.

First you need to cut this guy from your life, block and delete him from all possible ways of contact. Am I right you dont work with him anymore? I hope you dont. As for telling her, be prepared for him to want to lash out at you somehow. Does he know where you live? Tho his gf may not believe you or he may tell her you are lying. Be prepared for all sorts of possible ramifications.

I understand how you feel, but it's probably not your place to get involved in this relationship further. You definitely are not the only woman that this man has cheated with, based on the comfort level his friends had with you being around. Obviously you shouldn't have made the choice to sleep with him, but what's done is done. Ignore, block, forget. The girl will realize he is a cheater (if she hasn't already caught him) and get out in her own time if she wants to. By going to her, you would be involving yourself in serious drama you really don't need. I don't think your intentions are bad here. Just know if you make the choice to say something that there's a good chance the woman will blame you and may take foolish action against you.

First of all, don't fall for his bulls*t "baby, you're the best I ever had". I don't know how to do the vomit emoji here, but let's pretend I just did.

Second of all, unfortunately, as has already been said, you will end up looking like the bad person here for telling his girlfriend. He'll tell her that you're just some "crazy stalker", and he'll show her your texts to him, "proving" it (of course he'll delete his texts, so it will look like you continually texted him). Secondly, yes, he could come at you in some way. Either way, you lose.

Best to walk away, and yes, block, delete, and move on.

Putting myself in the girlfriend's shoes: I would want to know and I would appreciate you coming forward and telling me. I'd probably pump you with questions, like when, how often, etc. But then I would have to handle it with my boyfriend, and I would probably come right out and tell him that you told me. That's the only way to cut the sh*t with a liar. So if you tell her, you do need to be prepared for that to happen.

He keeps calling me Baby and getting upset when I don’t respond fast.

Ew.

Don't tell his gf that you slept with her man. This almost always backfires, and he will find a way to turn it back around on you. You could find yourself in a fight with her, or worse should she turn her wrath/hurt toward you instead of him. Forgive yourself for what you did and make sure you block him. You know you don't want someone sleeping with your boyfriend and you know how that would make you feel. (You knew about her before the sex, not afterward, so why tell her now?) That aside, don't be so hard on yourself. I'll be willing to bet she knows what type of man he is already, and even if you told her, she may not believe you --and if she did believe you, she may not leave him either way. That's not your business to get involved in. Pity her from a distance and move forward. Everything in the dark comes to the light.

Last year, I posted a thread here as to whether I should tell a married woman that I barely know, that her husband is on Tinder.

Overwhelmingly, the response was to not tell her. I asked friends IRL if I should tell her. Again, overwhelmingly, the advice was "Stay out of it".

On one hand, I feel like I'd want to know, but OTOH, when we are in the middle of what we think is "the greatest relationship in the world", anything negative about our special person is seen as negative by the messenger. The messenger just wants to meddle, the messenger is just jealous of what we have, etc.

I did stay out of it, and he still "happily" posts all his blah-blah garbage on Facebook about how deliriously happy he is with her. I have no dog in that fight, nor do I want to. I'm glad I stayed out of it. People like him, and like the guy in your story, are pieces of trash, and it's best that we just move on.

Last year, when I was in a relationship with a loser, I got very defensive when a very good friend of mine brought up some stuff about his past. It was all true (he had cheated on his wife, the mother of his kids, for years). I didn't talk to her for months after that. This was a friendship for decades. Yes, she was right and I was wrong, but I allowed my emotions for him (blech now) to take over.

No, you don't tell his girlfriend. It's none of your business. But tell the guy you don't want to hear from him again and to stop contacting you, it's not going to happen.

Women need to learn how to say no emphatically and not put themselves in delicate positions. Tell this guy to get lost!

He does not know where I live and even if he did, I am three hours away from him in a different city now. I have been looking for the best way to tell her, but these responses all say I shouldn't. If I were in her position, I would want to know. I know I am the only girl this has happened with. Maybe it is best to just leave it alone. Even if I did it anonymously, I think it would still lead to plenty of ways they could both come at me. It's just a tough situation and I feel horrible about it. I partially feel like it's my business, since I did this to their relationship, but then again, it's THEIR relationship. I do not know this girl at all and if I were her, I don't know how I would react if some stranger told me my boyfriend is unfaithful.

I also don't react to any of his advances because I find it gross. I have told him no though at one point.

He does not know where I live and even if he did, I am three hours away from him in a different city now. I have been looking for the best way to tell her, but these responses all say I shouldn't. If I were in her position, I would want to know. I know I am the only girl this has happened with. Maybe it is best to just leave it alone. Even if I did it anonymously, I think it would still lead to plenty of ways they could both come at me. It's just a tough situation and I feel horrible about it. I partially feel like it's my business, since I did this to their relationship, but then again, it's THEIR relationship. I do not know this girl at all and if I were her, I don't know how I would react if some stranger told me my boyfriend is unfaithful.

 

I also don't react to any of his advances because I find it gross. I have told him no though at one point.

I'm always on the side of you should tell the girlfriend because I would definitely want to know if my partner is unfaithful, moreso if he wants to continue it. As long as you accept any possible consequences (aka her not believing you, coming after you along with him) then I have no problem with it. May not be good for you, but if you want to I think it's the right thing to do.

As long as you block them on everything, possibly deactivating your social media, then any backlash could be managed. Unless if you still know him at work, then I may have you reconsider. The rumor mill amongst coworkers along with any of your friends is possible. You don't want at least your professional reputation to be tarnished.

I just think about the girlfriend and how it's unfair for her not to at least be told. Who knows, she could be planning a future with this guy, or her health could be at risk for STDs. How she may suspect infidelity but is being manipulated by him or blindly trusts him. I would just appreciate anyone telling me truthful information, even if I am not receptive to it at first. Proof helps, such as text screenshots or any of his intimate body markings.

First be honest with yourself. If you truly regretted what you did, why would you respond to him 'to be nice'? There's nothing nice about it. On some level, are you wanting to continue getting attention from him?

And screen shots would work fine. If you want him to back off, just tell him you are prepared to send them if he won't stop contacting . Blocking works too.

First be honest with yourself. If you truly regretted what you did, why would you respond to him 'to be nice'? There's nothing nice about it. On some level, are you wanting to continue getting attention from him?

 

 

 

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I agree with this. Let's be real, the guy didn't have a gun to your head, you had every opportunity to stop but you didn't so to believe now you want nothing to do with him? Not passing the sniff test. Another let's be real point, you don't know this chick from a stranger on the street. You weren't selfless enough to not do it but you're selfless enough to feel you have to tell her 'for her own good'... nah not buying it, this has revenge written all over it. How would you even know her contact information? And why isn't he blocked? And what do we care if he said you're the best he ever had? Good grief this reeks of revenge.

You want to fix what you did, take responsibility for what you did and don't ever do it again.

So here’s my question: do I tell his girlfriend? I would try to be as respectful as possible. I do not respect myself for it and I don’t expect her to either. I just think it’s unfair for this poor girl to have no idea what her boyfriend is out doing. It’s been eating away at me. Don’t know if it’s my business or not.

If you were to tell his girlfriend, would you include the part where you slept with him while clearly knowing he had a girlfriend?

Either ways, it appears that your motives are all about you, and not about protecting his "poor girlfriend." Hopefully you'll do the right thing, and bow out...

I agree with this. Let's be real, the guy didn't have a gun to your head, you had every opportunity to stop but you didn't so to believe now you want nothing to do with him? Not passing the sniff test. Another let's be real point, you don't know this chick from a stranger on the street. You weren't selfless enough to not do it but you're selfless enough to feel you have to tell her 'for her own good'... nah not buying it, this has revenge written all over it. How would you even know her contact information? And why isn't he blocked? And what do we care if he said you're the best he ever had? Good grief this reeks of revenge.

 

You want to fix what you did, take responsibility for what you did and don't ever do it again.

The minute I heard "girlfriend" i would have walked out the door. I would not have sat on the sofa and continued with him. You really don't care that he has a girlfriend, because you would have stopped. you want to tell the girlfriend to stick it to him. If he had kissed you and been all over you and then said he had a girlfriend and then you left, well, then maybe i would think you had the girlfriend's best interests in mind and would have a more pure intention to tell her - but did the conversation never occur before your sofa date "are you dating anyone?"

You decided it's not your business the moment you slept with him. Grow a spine, block this loser and next time around do not sleep with another woman' s boyfriend/husband no matter what. Problem solved.