married, no children, feeling sad about it

A couple of years ago my husband and I had a serious talk about starting a family. Previous to that, I had gradually accepted the idea that we probably were not going to have children, because I didn't think it was what he wanted. It was a bit hard for me to accept that but I also questioned why I even wanted children. I wondered if it was just some shallow idea of having a family and maybe I shouldn't have children anyway. But then, he actually brought it up. I was surprised and I admitted that, that's what I wanted, too!

We were both in graduate school and I was also working full time. We spoke about the sacrifices it would mean and the type of parents we wanted to be, the expectations that we would have for each other. He had a lot of reservations about having children. (He worries about his chronic illnesses and his migraines, about his depression and anxiety, about how he has passionate creative and career pursuits. He had an abusive father growing up. We don't live near family nor do we have any support network of people. We're OK with money now, but of course a child would drain all our savings.) We talked about the right timing for us, with regard to work and school. I was 36 then. I got checked out by a doctor. My hormone levels were great. We didn't feel rushed to have a baby. Our ideal time to try, we thought, was Spring 2018.

Then, in September 2017, I was 37, I got pregnant by accident. Unexpected, not an ideal time, but I thought it was close enough. It would mean a few more sacrifices than we wanted, but I looked at it optimistically. I was making plans, I started to fall in love with the idea of having that baby. I thought it was meant to be. It also lit a fire in me. I was going to double up classes, finish my Master's early before the birth, I applied for a promotion at work. A week after we found out about the pregnancy, he started saying to me how this was such a bad time and he didn't think we should keep it.

I don't want to talk about what happened, but the pregnancy didn't happen. I didn't have the baby. He was really worried about me, emotionally then. He actually seemed fine but I sometimes wonder if he keeps sadness buried more deeply. I told him that I could accept this outcome and I would not let it hold me back, if I knew that we had a solid plan to try for another baby in the next Spring (now). It would give me hope. I kept to my plan to double up my classes. I'm not done with school yet but I only have 3 or four more months to go. I didn't get the promotion but I'm still working on that. It was hard to accept all that at the time and it is still hard, knowing that I would have had the baby at the end of last month. But I wanted to be strong for myself, for him.

We are now at the time when our original plan was to start trying for a pregnancy. I'm 38. But things are not well at home. We're not in a positive state together. In the last year, I have made some irresponsible mistakes and have also hurt him, we've had some fights and problems. He often seems sad and distant. I brought it up again for discussion but he didn't want to talk about it.

I'm thinking that he doesn't want a baby anymore. Maybe he never did and it was just something he was agreeing to, for me. That scare solidified it for him, maybe. I don't know. I doubled up on classes and went through that pain and loss, supported by this plan. And it's not going to happen. I feel like I cannot talk to him these days about this. I just don't know what to do. I need to readjust again to the idea of not having a family of my own.

No, you don't need to re-adjust to not having a family on your own. Just admit it to yourself and embrace it, YOU WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY. That is not something you should compromise on. And if you can't talk to your husband about something as serious as this then it's clear you should consider counseling to work through this as a TEAM. You are 50% of a partnership, so whether your husband likes it or not, this needs to be discussed honestly by both of you. It may be difficult and make waves in the short term, but if you try to deal with this alone internally, you will resent and eventually hate him in the long term.

I am questioning if I want to have a family with someone like this, who maybe doesn't want to have one, and might not be the kind of parenting partner I need. I cannot imagine how, at this point, I'd have a family with someone else. I'm already 38. If this relationship is not going to last, a family would be the worst thing to bring to it. And if it's not going to last, I wasted so many years of my life. I think happiness is a choice, to some extent. I can be happy with or without children. I had chosen to suppress a desire for a child, I had chosen to embrace it.

Maybe I was naively idealizing what it means to be a parent. I had a happy childhood. That doesn't mean I would make a good parent. I know I am deficient in the levels of self-confidence and decisiveness and responsibility that I think I should have. I think, having a family was just an idea. And I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this, if I can choose to be happy in this relationship, if I need to end it and start all over again alone, figure out how to be happy again. It sounds so strange to leave someone because he doesn't want a family, and then never have a family anyway. But I am seriously worried that I won't be happy in this relationship, because he's unwilling to even talk about it.

hi

i would probably focus on the relationship and bring attention to happiness and love you have for each other. tell him you want to go on in life with him and but the sadness behind you. whatever is to happen between you with the baby, may come because your having a lot sex and loving each other.

if that's what you want. people do get thru things and not having children is not the worst thing either.

you have each other, right?

hi

 

not having children is not the worst thing either.

 

you have each other, right?

This is what I want to focus on. I want some sens of control over this.

I am questioning if I want to have a family with someone like this, who maybe doesn't want to have one, and might not be the kind of parenting partner I need. I cannot imagine how, at this point, I'd have a family with someone else. I'm already 38. If this relationship is not going to last, a family would be the worst thing to bring to it. And if it's not going to last, I wasted so many years of my life. I think happiness is a choice, to some extent. I can be happy with or without children. I had chosen to suppress a desire for a child, I had chosen to embrace it.

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I would freeze eggs now (now, not when you are 40). That will be costly but will buy you some time. I don't buy from what you wrote that you would be truly happy without the opportunity to be a mom. Would you be willing to adopt/surrogate? Consider that too. And yes if you are honest with yourself and you don't think he would make a good parenting partner then I'd seriously consider leaving him and finding someone who does want what you want.

I didn't get to be a mom till I was 42. That's because I got in my own way in relationships prior to that and I wasn't going to be a single mom by choice (not right for me). I won the lottery -that is how I feel even when it is frustrating/exhausting (understatement!!)/unpredictable when I thrive on routine/predictability. And I won the lottery. And yes my husband is a great parent -not 100% of the time because neither am I. And yes he wanted our son 1000% and I cannot imagine having a child with a spouse who didn't feel that way.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Please do not give up on your dream whether he steps up to the plate or otherwise (and yes I would strongly recommend having a child only within a stable marriage but that's just me).

All he's focusing on now are his work, his creative projects, and things around the house. He's got health problems that affect his mood, it's unfair of me to blame him for that, or for his depression which is exacerbated by his medications. I just feel alone. I might have put too much of my happiness on this family idea.

That baby was so close to the time when he had previously agreed we should start trying. It was just a year and a few months too early for him, and he wanted to terminate it altogether. I think that, and his refusal now, are clear signals that he does not want this.

It doesn't sound like you have each other right now. If you can't talk to your husband and work through your feelings around having vs not having children, then who the heck can you talk to??

I'm so sorry that you feel you can't talk to him about this. I can't imagine how I would feel....my husband is my sounding board, my voice of reason, my biggest supporter. Without that, I just can't imagine dealing with the ups and downs of life. What's the point in being married? When life gets hard, you go at it TOGETHER. But it seems for you, when life gets hard, he doesn't want to talk about it, which forces you to deal with it on your own. Talk about kicking someone when they're down...you've got to address this with him. Maybe with a third party present if he's willing.

I'm so sorry OP.

I have a young daughter, and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years. I know the feeling of wanting a baby and not being able to have one. And I also know how incredibly amazing it is to be "Mommy", and I would never want anyone who wants that experience to miss out on it. It's too awesome.

Get right with yourself, decide what you want, and discuss openly with your husband.

Best of luck!!

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I would freeze eggs now (now, not when you are 40). That will be costly but will buy you some time. I don't buy from what you wrote that you would be truly happy without the opportunity to be a mom. Would you be willing to adopt/surrogate? Consider that too. And yes if you are honest with yourself and you don't think he would make a good parenting partner then I'd seriously consider leaving him and finding someone who does want what you want.

 

I didn't get to be a mom till I was 42. That's because I got in my own way in relationships prior to that and I wasn't going to be a single mom by choice (not right for me). I won the lottery -that is how I feel even when it is frustrating/exhausting (understatement!!)/unpredictable when I thrive on routine/predictability. And I won the lottery. And yes my husband is a great parent -not 100% of the time because neither am I. And yes he wanted our son 1000% and I cannot imagine having a child with a spouse who didn't feel that way.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Please do not give up on your dream whether he steps up to the plate or otherwise (and yes I would strongly recommend having a child only within a stable marriage but that's just me).

I read some of your comments in other threads. I'm welcoming to you weighing in your thoughts. The idea of leaving him and putting my faith in finding happiness with someone else, and MAYBE having a baby in some risky, expensive hail mary, sounds intimidating to the point of paralysis. If I think about the reasons people want to have children, I worry if my reasons are valid. I agree with you that I value a family over just having a baby and being single. It's not simply motherhood, it's this expectation I had that we'd be a family. And there I wonder if my dissatisfaction comes from thwarted expectations or from true desire.

Yes, true words, indea08. We obviously need to work on our relationship for that to be strong. And if that means we're not in a stable place to have a family, or that we may never be in a good place for that, I need to figure out if I want to stay in this relationship and forever maintain this effort to keep it strong, or just quit.

In talking this out, here are my thoughts: He doesn't want a baby now, or probably within the next couple of years. Our relationship is not as strong in communication as it probably should be in order to manage a family well. This means that if I stay with him, I will probably never have a family, and I might also not be very happy in my relationship. I could focus on making this a good marriage and try to enjoy my relationships with my niece and nephews as a way to flex my maternal instincts. I could embrace this childless future and indulge in things I would have had to sacrifice if I'd had children. I could leave him, try to find happiness elsewhere, which I know would be difficult and take years of pain and regret.

This is what I want to focus on. I want some sens of control over this.

I really think getting back to basics where you feel connected to each other would be the catalyst to being able to discuss how you both feel towards parenthood.

my mom always said nurture your relationship with your partner, bc you raise your children to leave. once they're gone, who you going to talk to?

The problem I see:

- Leave husband = immediate pain and regret lasting a few years.

- Stay with husband and never have kids = relatively happy life, assuming communication issues are addressed, but risk eventually having a midlife crisis when it becomes real that you can't physically have biological babies. Ever. There's no going back once it's done.

At the end of the day, you'll be the one living with whichever decision. Please spend some time reflecting, and make the best choice for YOU.

I read some of your comments in other threads. I'm welcoming to you weighing in your thoughts. The idea of leaving him and putting my faith in finding happiness with someone else, and MAYBE having a baby in some risky, expensive hail mary, sounds intimidating to the point of paralysis. If I think about the reasons people want to have children, I worry if my reasons are valid. I agree with you that I value a family over just having a baby and being single. It's not simply motherhood, it's this expectation I had that we'd be a family. And there I wonder if my dissatisfaction comes from thwarted expectations or from true desire.

I am simply offering my opinion from my perspective as a mom who went through a "geriatric' pregnancy at 41-42 and was darn lucky to conceive, carry to term, and have a healthy baby. My comments on other threads are not really relevant as I was replying to your particular situation and certainly I think in general being a parent is awesome and can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. I'm not sure why you are thinking about why other people have children -why do you want a child, how strong is your desire, are you willing to forego having children to stay married to a person who does not want them for the reasons he does not want them.

I would certainly take some time to determine how much you want a child and why. I gave myself a year when I was 37 to decide whether to be a single mother by choice. And I made my decision (not to) approximately 6 weeks later. Just sharing what I did in a somewhat analogous situation.

I would avoid getting too abstract, general, or thinking about why other people have children -infinite reasons or at least so many it will make your head spin IMO. Think about your specific reasons. My friend just got divorced about 2 years ago because her husband wanted another child, they'd agreed to have an only child when they got married, and that was a dealbreaker. She remarried recently. It's a huge issue. And yes factor in how much you're willing to spend, sacrifice (both financially and potential health risks if you do IVF, etc) to attain parenthood. It's perfectly valid if you decide not to be a parent, of course! Just please be brutally honest with yourself.

Life goals need to be the same to have a successful relationship. If you want kids and stay with him will you hate him in 5 years when you can’t have any?

My husband’s constant indecision limited us to one child. I was not able to carry kids past 30 years old. I had 4 miscarriages after my first child. Now I am ok with it. But it was a massive life grief for so many years. Now my husband regrets his fiddling around and indecision, but it is too late.

My first decision would be to learn whether I want to stay in this marriage or get out of it. In order to learn that, I'd offer husband the opportunity for couple's counseling so that we can learn how to become better partners for one another.

If husband refuses that idea, I'd ask myself, "Given that this is the most that husband offers me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then here I am. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

I wouldn't allow someone else to dictate my choices about my future no matter how much I love him. We're either a partnership, or we are not. If not, isn't that something I'd want to learn early?

The problem I see:

 

- Leave husband = immediate pain and regret lasting a few years.

 

- Stay with husband and never have kids = relatively happy life, assuming communication issues are addressed, but risk eventually having a midlife crisis when it becomes real that you can't physically have biological babies. Ever. There's no going back once it's done.

 

At the end of the day, you'll be the one living with whichever decision. Please spend some time reflecting, and make the best choice for YOU.

- Leave husband = immediate pain and regret, potential for a happy life, eventually, assuming I can move on. It is almost certain I will never have children in this scenario. I will also lose my relationships with his family, which I value quite a lot. We've been in love for 12 years.

- Stay with husband and work on our marriage, potential for a happy life. Most likely we will not have children but there is the possibility that if we work through our problems and he makes the commitment to a family, then we will have children, or a child. I can anticipate the kinds of problems we'd have as parents.

I want to tell him all of this but these days, we're so distant and cold and not intimate. There is such a gap between us right now. I want to tell him this:

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I would freeze eggs now (now, not when you are 40). That will be costly but will buy you some time. I don't buy from what you wrote that you would be truly happy without the opportunity to be a mom. Would you be willing to adopt/surrogate? Consider that too. And yes if you are honest with yourself and you don't think he would make a good parenting partner then I'd seriously consider leaving him and finding someone who does want what you want.

 

I didn't get to be a mom till I was 42. That's because I got in my own way in relationships prior to that and I wasn't going to be a single mom by choice (not right for me). I won the lottery -that is how I feel even when it is frustrating/exhausting (understatement!!)/unpredictable when I thrive on routine/predictability. And I won the lottery. And yes my husband is a great parent -not 100% of the time because neither am I. And yes he wanted our son 1000% and I cannot imagine having a child with a spouse who didn't feel that way.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Please do not give up on your dream whether he steps up to the plate or otherwise (and yes I would strongly recommend having a child only within a stable marriage but that's just me).

I'm with Batya. I unexpectedly became pregnant at 39, after assuming I'd missed my window having not had kids when I was younger. My husband was, like Batya's, 1000% on board and ecstatic at the news of impending parenthood. And our son is the absolute love/joy of our life. It's so hard, and SO exhausting (seriously, I'm fried 100% of the time), and my husband and I have moments where I want to wring his neck - and I know there are moments where he wants to wring mine.

OP, you're in a rough spot - you're 38, and you're weighing a sure thing (staying childless in your current marriage) versus possibility (starting over, finding a new partner, hoping you can still conceive when/if you find that person). No advice, other than to really think about how much you want to risk and what matters most to you.

"I am not going to expect you to give up your work or your creative projects, but I am going to need you to contribute more at home if we have a kid. You wanted to make sure that I would keep working if we started a family. I will keep working and I won't expect you to be the sole earner, but if we're both working and taking care of a child, we both need to do things around the house. I will need more help from you, to do more cleaning and chores like that, and to keep things more organized. I think we have different expectations for how we want the house to be, and that's OK, we can find compromise. For my part, I'll try to be more relaxed about some things, too."

First find out how much he wants to be a parent. If he says he doesn't know, find a counselor or even a religious authority figure if that makes sense to guide you through the discussion. If he says he changed his mind that's your answer.

I'd put "in love" secondary for now and focus on the priority of your life dreams and goals.

As far as expectations as parents you also have to be ready to throw it all out the window. You might realize you want to be the full time caregiver at home, you might have a child with special needs who would do best with a full time parent at home, etc. And yes I love how you're planning the nitty gritty of details/cleaning/organized/spending. And be prepared for all that to go out the window if for example you're up all night with the baby -or he is. I'm a big fan of throwing money at the problem if you can -meaning -hire a cleaning service every week or once a month or whatever.

I agree with what Heather Dawn right, entirely.

As soon as I married I knew, but didn't have the courage to confront the fact, that I had made a mistake or that, at least, that it wasnt what I had thought.

We seemed happy, I guess. Anyway. I began to wonder if we would stay together. But i was confident in his ability to parent. And afraid of losing that opportunity.

We had division of labor discussions that were totally ineffective. As Batya points out, life is fluid and unknown. Look for someone who will share responsibility for the relationship. Who welcomes responsibility in his friendships, with his family, with you, as well as at work.

Being a parent is the most selfless act we do, at least for many of us. Division of labor is one of the most unresolved discussions, but is also small potatoes. If you are stuck there, dig deeper for power/control dynamics.These often arise when we feel threatened, subconsciously perhaps, and we often feel threatened when our lives bubble over - when we lose sole control, when we are subject to depend on/actions by our partner, when our kids come first.

I raised my kids on my own. I do not recommend it. We are among the healthiest and happiest people we know, but I am stretched beyond healthy and we all miss each celebrating each other day-to-day.

Division of labor is small potatoes and maybe also, the tip of a very big iceberg.

This is all very helpful and meaningful to hear. I feel pretty naive about what it really means to be a parent and that's part of the reason I'm troubled about this. I'm wondering if I've even got what it takes to be a good mother, especially considering my challenging situation. I worry that I carry too much self-doubt and don't have enough confidence or strength of character. I worry that my marriage isn't strong enough. I worry that I'm too old. I worry that I didn't try to maintain a support network of trusted friends to help me, that we moved too far away from our families, that I don't make enough money, that I'm lazy and weak and I'll crumble under the strain and effort of raising a child, that the child will turn out to be all messed up because I'll be an utter failure. I sometimes think, maybe I should just try to have a good marriage and be a good aunt to my niece and nephews, and that'll be the most I could ever hope for, the most I could ever achieve, in terms of my own family.

And I know my husband worries, too. He worries that he'll pass on his chronic diseases to a child, and that his depression and migraines and illnesses will prevent him from being as present as he would want to be. He worries that he doesn't make enough money, or that being a father will prevent him from pursuing his dreams and then he'll resent me and the family. He worries that because his own father was abusive, that somehow that means he shouldn't be a father, himself.

My mother passed on her migraines to me and I did to my son, but we are still functioning people. My son also has autism but no other autistics in our families. My dad is bipolar 1 neither me or my brother or the next generation have it. Genetics is a crap shoot.

This is all very helpful and meaningful to hear. I feel pretty naive about what it really means to be a parent and that's part of the reason I'm troubled about this. I'm wondering if I've even got what it takes to be a good mother, especially considering my challenging situation. I worry that I carry too much self-doubt and don't have enough confidence or strength of character. I worry that my marriage isn't strong enough. I worry that I'm too old. I worry that I didn't try to maintain a support network of trusted friends to help me, that we moved too far away from our families, that I don't make enough money, that I'm lazy and weak and I'll crumble under the strain and effort of raising a child, that the child will turn out to be all messed up because I'll be an utter failure. I sometimes think, maybe I should just try to have a good marriage and be a good aunt to my niece and nephews, and that'll be the most I could ever hope for, the most I could ever achieve, in terms of my own family.

 

And I know my husband worries, too. He worries that he'll pass on his chronic diseases to a child, and that his depression and migraines and illnesses will prevent him from being as present as he would want to be. He worries that he doesn't make enough money, or that being a father will prevent him from pursuing his dreams and then he'll resent me and the family. He worries that because his own father was abusive, that somehow that means he shouldn't be a father, himself.

What you write here is typical of people who really care about being a good parent and who want to be parents. Noninvasive genetics testing before and during pregnancy is even better than when I was pregnant 10 years ago (I did not do anything invasive, just relied on blood tests).

"The most I could ever achieve/most I could ever hope for' -that right there convinces me how much you want to be a parent and how much IMO you should go for it.

You said it, and then in my case it is a geriatric pregnancy - even though they don't usually call it that anymore, so the risks are higher, of down syndrome, gestational diabetes. There's so much to be scared of, but nobody is perfect and ideal. Even people who look like it on the outside. And I'm sure most don't think they have the perfect marriage or enough money. Not having children is the safe choice of action. The only question then is, will I be miserable and empty without children.

You said it, and then in my case it is a geriatric pregnancy - even though they don't usually call it that anymore, so the risks are higher, of down syndrome, gestational diabetes. There's so much to be scared of, but nobody is perfect and ideal. Even people who look like it on the outside. And I'm sure most don't think they have the perfect marriage or enough money. Not having children is the safe choice of action. The only question then is, will I be miserable and empty without children.

No, that is not the question. It's not whether you'll be "miserable and empty" -the answer is NO you will not be. The question is as someone else wrote- will you feel happy and fulfilled with your husband without fulfilling your goal/dream of being a parent.

Yes, the risks are higher. Yes, try to explore in advance what you think you would do if you found out your baby was atypical or had a genetic disorder. And yes I think it's still called geriatric and yes it is a high risk pregnancy at a certain age.

I also don't agree that not having children is a safe choice of action -in some ways you're risking your lifelong dream/your happiness. Doesn't sound that safe to me. Less responsibility -yes. Less of a financial commitment- yes. Less of a risk of career disruption if that is a concern -yes. And yes I think your focus should be on the best interests of a child first, and your own happiness/fulfillment, second.