My fiancee is in love with someone else...

My fiancee and I have been together for 9 years, living together for 7 years and engaged for about 5 years. A couple of days ago he told me that a friend of his told him she was in love with him. He's known her for years and she lives in another country. Today he told me that he's in love with her, but he also still loves me and doesn't know what to do. I still love him and I know we've had problems, but I really want to work things out. He also suffers from depression, which makes the problems we have that much harder to work through. I have always tried to be there for him and support him, but I've come to the realization that I haven't done enough and I don't know how to help. I feel like I've been selfish and not put enough effort into the relationship. We had a long talk earlier, with some arguing, and he's giving me the opportunity to try and fix our relationship, which I desperately want to do.

Has anyone else had to deal with their partner falling in love with someone else while still loving you? How do you cope with knowing that there is someone else out there that they are contemplating leaving you for? He is still talking to her, and I can't tell him not to, because he's known her longer than he's known me. I'm just worried that he might start doing sexual things over video chat with her, which he has done before with other girls, and says he really wants to do it with her.

Any advice on how to save my relationship?

Thank you.

I don't think you should be trying to save this relationship. He has already been doing these weird things with other girls - you should have left after that. And well - if you're not married by now... Sorry!

I agree. Who gets engaged for FIVE years? Op: I suspect you got that ring just to keep you from nagging him about it.

If you want to stay in a relationship with a polyamorous man when you are a monogamous woman then you're going to have to do a hella lot of accepting him for who he is which means you learn to be okay with his extra curricular activities.

Why have you not married? What was the point of the "engagement" if there is no plan to wed?

As for your question. There is no way for you to get him to be monogamous when you've been allowing him to be poly all these years. You enable his penchant for strange by not leaving him when he HAS emotionally cheated more then once.

This sounds quite complex with not all the information. It sounds like you’re blaming yourself, but without knowing everything that may or may not be justified.

I think when we’re blaming ourselves, it’s because we can’t see the reality clearly and we’re being manipulated.

I kind of want to say you may want to see a therapist a few times. It’s such a long-term relationship that you’re in so deep. You need some clear perspective to work out if this is healthy to continue.

It’s not ok that there’s another girl. And that he’s talking to her. I would feel very insecure in that situation. I also wouldn’t want to be asking him to stop talking to her. He should do that himself. He’s showing where he’s at with his actions. And meanwhile you have to prove that you’re good enough for him to stay??

Actually I think you can tell him to stop talking to her. I mean, no, you can't give him orders as he's a grown man, but you can make that a condition of you being willing to stay in and try to salvage the relationship.

That's what I would do in your situation; tell him that he must cut all contact with her if he wants to save your relationship, and if he is unwilling to do that you are done. Whether he meant for it to get to this point with this woman or not he's forfeited his right to continue having her in his life in any way and if he doesn't agree that is a deal-breaker for you.

Of course, that only works if you are willing to stand by that. Don't look at this as your boyfriend giving you an opportunity to fix things; YOU get to decide whether or not you want to give HIM that opportunity. Maybe you got a little lazy and complacent in your relationship but most everyone is guilty of that at times. He's the one who has been carrying on an emotional affair with another woman and it's on him to fix this, and that starts with cutting all contact with her. Today.

Perhaps some marital counselling would help clear the air and get to the bottom of how he really feels and thinks and you could use some clarity too.

The reason we haven't gotten married yet (wedding was supposed to be set for October 2018), is because we cannot afford it. I never forced or nagged him to propose, he did that on his own.

He's giving the answer that he wants to breakup, but he's not actually doing it. This has happened after arguments before, but it hasn't been as bad as this.

In all honesty. I am terrified to lose him. We've been together so long and were planning a life together. A life that I really want. I feel like if we breakup, my life will be ruined and I'll never be happy again.

Why did you stay with him after you realized he was doing sexual things with women via video?

I personally would not be okay with my fiancé communicating with the other woman he's in love with, while still engaged to me. Sounds like he's getting the best of both worlds.

As hard as it might be, I'd tell him it was either her or me. I couldn't wait around hoping he'd choose me.

What's also concerning is if your relationship is like this now, what would it be like in the future? I don't believe it should be this difficult prior to marriage.

This doesn't sound like a very good relationship anymore, OP. I say that because you state this has happened before, ie. that he's said he wants to break up.

Also, you two could get married for dirt-cheap. An actual marriage license doesn't cost much, and you don't need a big party. Couples get married every day at the courthouse, and celebrate later when it's more financially feasible. Marriage is a possibility for those who truly want it and can scrape together the cash for a license. Something tells me that cost isn't the primary reason you two haven't gotten married, though.

If he wants to salvage this, he needs to stop talking to this other woman. And yes, you can request that. You are his fiancee. He is the man you are supposed to marry, so he needs to act like it. If he won't, you know where his intentions are. You need to stop being afraid to stand up for yourself, OP. And you need to not be terrified to lose a man who just doesn't prioritize you. Are you really that happy with him that you think he's the best you can do?

And yes, something similar happened to me years ago. I knew my ex was exploring another option and could feel him checking out of the relationship, after 8 years together. And you know what? My life got turned upside down, yes, but it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am much happier now than I was with a man who just didn't want to be there anymore. The difference between a committed man and a detached man is night and day. Don't be too afraid to lose the latter.

Also, I agree with the others that it seems rather backwards that you are getting the opportunity to fix things. No, that needs to come from him too. He is the one stepping out of the relationship, not you. In my mind, he's the one with heavy lifting to do. And since he's still talking to his "friend", he's showing you he's not that invested in this process.

Have they ever met in person, by the way?

It sounds like he's telling you he's having an emotional affair. He should be the one fixing things, not you.

A couple of days ago he told me that a friend of his told him she was in love with him.Today he told me that he's in love with her, but he also still loves me and doesn't know what to do. he's giving me the opportunity to try and fix our relationship

The reason we haven't gotten married yet (wedding was supposed to be set for October 2018), is because we cannot afford it. I never forced or nagged him to propose, he did that on his own.

 

He's giving the answer that he wants to breakup, but he's not actually doing it. This has happened after arguments before, but it hasn't been as bad as this.

 

In all honesty. I am terrified to lose him. We've been together so long and were planning a life together. A life that I really want. I feel like if we breakup, my life will be ruined and I'll never be happy again.

Once you actually get through your grief and have become indifferent to him, you'll be surprised how much fun you'll have being the center of attention to a man that loves only you rather then being in the never ending engagement with someone who loves someone else. How dare he!

Girl, you can do better then him. You're not as desperate as you are convincing yourself you are.

*half joking here but putting it out there anyway: Put yourself on a good dating site and tell your boyfriend you're looking for someone else to love too.

I think it's fairly obvious that you're not going to leave him, no matter what anyone says, especially strangers on a message forum, so allow me to offer another alternative for you to consider.

I don't know your history with this man but others have pointed out he's into polyamory, so is there any possibility you could join him in that lifestyle and open up the relationship, even your marriage?

You would be very surprised to know that there are many very happily in love and committed couples who have an open marriage.

Most people don't understand it, and make all sorts of judgments about it, but personally I know two couples who are madly in love (I've witnessed it myself) and committed but don't practice monogamy, they don't believe in it.

They've been married for years and this works for them! In fact they appear to be happier than most couples who live the traditional monogamous lifestyle.

Just a thought! Something to consider?

Rather than just leaving, which we KNOW you don't want to do and won't do, no matter what advice you receive encouraging you to do so.

Frankly, since your dead set against leaving, not sure you have any other choice. He is who he is, he's not going to change, you can't expect him to change.

This is the lifestyle he has chosen for himself so you either accept and work within those parameters or be miserable, continue arguing with him causing stress on the relationship and each other.

Is that how you wish to live!

Best of luck whatever you decide. Be happy!

A marriage license/certificate cost less than $100, being poor is not an excuse.

Why would he break up with you when you're a free wife. Be thankful you're not married to this cheater. See a therapist, rebuild your self esteem. Yes it will be extremely hard in the beginning, but tolerating is slow suicide. For long term fulfillment, leave him and never look back. Wise up!

I think even in a true poly relationship with this guy would be fruitless. He doesn't treat her as the primary partner as it is.

The reason we haven't gotten married yet (wedding was supposed to be set for October 2018), is because we cannot afford it. I never forced or nagged him to propose, he did that on his own.

 

He's giving the answer that he wants to breakup, but he's not actually doing it. This has happened after arguments before, but it hasn't been as bad as this.

 

In all honesty. I am terrified to lose him. We've been together so long and were planning a life together. A life that I really want. I feel like if we breakup, my life will be ruined and I'll never be happy again.

Do yourself a favour and leave this man.

Your life will suck for a while, but you'll get over it. If you stay, I suspect you're life will suck even more in the long run. There's always someone else out there.