Another guy blows hot and cold

I crushed on this guy last year, not reciprocated. He was attracted to me sure, we’ve been intimate, but not attracted enough to make anything of it. I went low contact and talked myself out of the crush and see him sporadically as he still invites me out when he comes to town (he lives a few hours away).

Last time we caught up he’d been drinking wine and was uncharacterustically huggy. I spent the night, he told me he has a crush on me (whaaaat?!)

The next day he’s back to not replying to my messages. Asked him if he’d like to catch up again before he heads back. A day later I have to specifically reference that question to get it answered (wishy washy ‘I do but I wasn’t sure if I’ll have time’).

After he’d gone home I shared some video with him of a band I was mixing I thought he’d like. No reply. That was two days ago, he’s obviously not going to reply. Maybe he thought it didn’t need one. Maybe he’s having a bad mental health patch. Maybe he never liked me and was lying. Doesn’t matter. I’d be stupid to pursue him now.

And I am sad, because I like this guy, because I can’t remember the last time I was pursued, because EVERY. guy in the last two years has done this bull hot and cold thing, and sure I was a needy wreck two years ago but I’ve improved out of sight, it doesn’t change anything, hot and cold is all that’s going. And every guy that pretends to be interested for just a little while, just long enough for me to dare to dream that someone might want me back at last, acutely reminds me that I long for a partner. (The lulls inbetween I sometimes manage to forget that entirely).

I’m even more sad that my stupid mind is expending so much energy on this jerk who hasn’t given me a second thought since I left his room

I crushed on this guy last year, not reciprocated. He was attracted to me sure, we’ve been intimate, but not attracted enough to make anything of it. I went low contact and talked myself out of the crush and see him sporadically as he still invites me out when he comes to town (he lives a few hours away).

 

Last time we caught up he’d been drinking wine and was uncharacterustically huggy. I spent the night, he told me he has a crush on me (whaaaat?!)

 

The next day he’s back to not replying to my messages. Asked him if he’d like to catch up again before he heads back. A day later I have to specifically reference that question to get it answered (wishy washy ‘I do but I wasn’t sure if I’ll have time’).

 

After he’d gone home I shared some video with him of a band I was mixing I thought he’d like. No reply. That was two days ago, he’s obviously not going to reply. Maybe he thought it didn’t need one. Maybe he’s having a bad mental health patch. Maybe he never liked me and was lying. Doesn’t matter. I’d be stupid to pursue him now.

 

And I am sad, because I like this guy, because I can’t remember the last time I was pursued, because EVERY. guy in the last two years has done this bull hot and cold thing, and sure I was a needy wreck two years ago but I’ve improved out of sight, it doesn’t change anything, hot and cold is all that’s going. And every guy that pretends to be interested for just a little while, just long enough for me to dare to dream that someone might want me back at last, acutely reminds me that I long for a partner. (The lulls inbetween I sometimes manage to forget that entirely).

 

 

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I’m even more sad that my stupid mind is expending so much energy on this jerk who hasn’t given me a second thought since I left his room

^Yup. Way too much energy and effort. Stop chasing.

You're your own worst enemy here, stop doing this.

Hot and cold man = disinterested man.

Some guys are wishy washy like that. I've met a few in my day. One hung around for years, but always did the bare minimum. It took a while, but I eventually learned that I prefer a more direct guy. Let the wishy washy ones dangle around some other girl.

I don't know why you've experienced such a rash of wishy washy guys, but bold men do exist. Hang tight.

Men are only "wishy washy" when they don't give a crap.

When they actually care, and want a relationship with "you" there will be no wishy-washyness.

OP, this guy showed you very early in where he was at, with you.

Yet despite this, you kept pushing. Texting, etc.

Not sure what you were expecting to happen, but you only ended up pushing him further way.

Lesson learned for next time, hopefully.

Not to sound harsh, but if you present yourself as dating material, rather than a convenient booty call, you may very well have a different outcome.

Value yourself and others will, as well.

Not to sound harsh, but if you present yourself as dating material, rather than a convenient booty call, you may very well have a different outcome.

 

Value yourself and others will, as well.

Completely agree. He is acting consistently with someone who enjoys having sex with you when it's convenient for him. You acted as if you were fine with that arrangement. You are not being used and you are not a victim. You are lying to yourself in the sense that you tell yourself you want to meet someone you can potentially date and have a relationship with but then you choose to act like someone who is content with having casual sex as the main focus of all your interactions. No one can make you "dream" or lead you on in that situation. Leading on is if someone tells you he wants a relationship with you or wants to take you out on a date but he doesn't mean that and then he doesn't show up or it turns out he just wanted to have sex and pretended he wanted an exclusive relationship with you. Or if you tell someone "I am not interested in casual sex so if you would like to date properly we can do that and if we get serious we'll see as far as intimacy" and he agrees to that knowing he doesn't want that and lets you get attached while pretending to want a serious relationship with you.

That's not what happened here. At all. But the good news is that you can control your own actions and choices. Figure out how to change your behavior to be consistent with what you say you want.

And every guy that pretends to be interested for just a little while, just long enough for me to dare to dream that someone might want me back at last, acutely reminds me that I long for a partner.

He is a waste of time. Not interested.

Follow actions, not words.

Not to sound harsh, but if you present yourself as dating material, rather than a convenient booty call, you may very well have a different outcome.

 

 

 

Value yourself and others will, as well.

Ouch! But, I totally agree! Stop giving out the goodies!!!

If you keep up ending up with the same type of guy, it is because YOU are attracted to it. Change your patterns and stop pursuing jerks!

I agree with the others.

It's very obvious this guy is interested in a casual sex when convenient arrangement. He was buzzed and said he had a "crush" on you because it worked, didn't it? You had sex with him.

Next time you're interested in a guy, don't start with sex and try to work backward into a relationship. It generally doesn't work that way.

Ahhhh Katrina, I want to not spend Anymore time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about me but how do I get my head off of it? (Especially when I’m tied down by work commitments that involve a lot of driving because driving time is awful for ruminating). Do you mean I’ve been pushy despite obvious disinterest over the last few days? Because part of getting over the original crush was stopping trying to connect with him. All the contact we’ve had over the last year excepting the other night has been him reaching out to me.

Jibralta, remind me they exist, I will hold out.

For everyone saying I made it easy, a bit of me context. Every loving long term relationship I’ve had, in 15 years of dating (excepting the very first guy) has included having sex early. It doesn’t magically make an interested guy lose interest (if it dies that’s probably not a guy with a compatible set of values). So when I suggested intimacy last year, that was at the end of a date, and I hadn’t been screwed around so much, I am pretty much at the point now where I do turn people down without more interaction that shows they’re interested (they don’t get posted about because I don’t get stickied to them, there in lies the benefit). This guy and I have had a solid year of occasional interaction, initiated by him, that didn’t include us having sex. And I used my words and said I didn’t want sex with him this time because I was sick of doing it with people who aren’t interested in Me. (But I am an absolute sucker for cuddles and apparently still have hope around him). Considering his behaviour since yeah that line about being crushed must have been just a line. Although we have a mutual friend and the friend thinks highly of him (as though he’s not a boy).

For new people moving forward, because it’s been a long time since anyone was, what are green flags people look for before they trust guys with intimacy?

Nothing wrong with having sex early on but then there is always a greater risk that if there was potential for something serious that it won't work out -you barely know each other and getting naked can mean getting emotionally attached (as you did) and then not being yourself because you are feeling too insecure and vulnerable.

He reached out to you mostly to hook up, not to date you with potential for something serious. Or to hang out but not to date you. Big difference if as you say you're looking for serious.

And no he didn't give you a line -assume he had a crush on you and he was not interested in exploring a potential serious relationship with you. The two can coexist.

My standards before I had sexual intercourse with one exception which I regretted: dating seriously for months, in love and exclusive with strong potential for marriage. Testing that was accurate for STDs, and on the same page as far as what would happen if I got pregnant by accident (if birth control failed). In the exception we had sex after two months of dating and the agreement to be exclusive was tied to having sex. He ended things a few months later.

This guy and I have had a solid year of occasional interaction, initiated by him, that didn’t include us having sex. And I used my words and said I didn’t want sex with him this time because I was sick of doing it with people who aren’t interested in Me. (But I am an absolute sucker for cuddles and apparently still have hope around him). Considering his behaviour since yeah that line about being crushed must have been just a line. Although we have a mutual friend and the friend thinks highly of him (as though he’s not a boy).

 

For new people moving forward, because it’s been a long time since anyone was, what are green flags people look for before they trust guys with intimacy?

Comparing this post to other posts here and my own expierience, Im starting to think telling a guy 'don't hurt me, I'm vulnerable' is like wearing a blinking sign that says 'easy target'.

I don't think all men operate like that and I'm not talking about laying out your boundaries early on. I think often times we women know when a guy is teetering so our instinct is telling us this dudes probably bad news, but you're into him so you take the easy way out and tell him ' I'm not like those girls' or ' I like to wait to have sex so I know you are serious' if you feel the need to say that I almost want to say it's already too late, if you have to say it, you already know you're risking it.

Why did you feel the need to tell him you were sick of dealing with people who weren't interested in you? Honest question

I think when a man shows a woman vulnerability early on it can be endearing and give them brownie points, men please correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think men operate in that same way so while I am thinking in my head 'why would a man play head games after she told him she's gone through that and isn't interested.' I don't think men have that same thought process with dating. Again please correct me if I'm wrong. I've just seen it said multiple times in so many words ' If she's offering I'm going to take it' I wonder if there's a moral dilemma when a woman tells you she doesn't want to be jerked around.

I'm still navigating this whole dating thing myself and my picker is far from fine tuned, but I am learning from this site how to better pinpoint dudes just trying to screw. The signs are there, its just wanting to see them, I have turned down some good looking dudes in the past few months, the old me would have lapped up their sweet talk like a thirsty dog in the summer, but Im trying to be honest with myself and admit to myself when I see the signs a guy just wants sex. Granted some dudes are just that good and you won't see it coming from a mile away, but most dudes honestly aren't that slick and will show you red flags before you get naked.

Jibralta, remind me they exist, I will hold out.

They exist! Hold out!

For new people moving forward, because it’s been a long time since anyone was, what are green flags people look for before they trust guys with intimacy?

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he said, "Hold me accountable." And when I did, he appreciated it.

He gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Show up anytime."

And he literally courted me. He picked me up from work on his day off, and took me to lunch. He hung out and read a book in the evenings, when I had to bring work home.

Lots of things that said, "I want to be with you."

They exist! Hold out!

 

 

 

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he said, "Hold me accountable." And when I did, he appreciated it.

 

He gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Show up anytime."

 

And he literally courted me. He picked me up from work on his day off, and took me to lunch. He hung out and read a book in the evenings, when I had to bring work home.

 

Lots of things that said, "I want to be with you."

So I love this post because he courted you in a thoughtful way, in a specific way -specific to your needs and temperament, and hanging out while you work is better than flowers (although flowers are good too lol).

So I love this post because he courted you in a thoughtful way, in a specific way -specific to your needs and temperament, and hanging out while you work is better than flowers (although flowers are good too lol).

Yes! It was very nice :)

Figure it out, I took him at face value that we are friends and would have hoped a friend would want to be more gentle with my heart.

Jibralta, how early on did those green flags appear? If I waited for guys to make the first move I would literally date no one who interests me at all. But I guess a vague rule of thumb about how long you wait for effort to be reciprocal before nexting would be useful.

Figure it out, I took him at face value that we are friends and would have hoped a friend would want to be more gentle with my heart.

 

Jibralta, how early on did those green flags appear? If I waited for guys to make the first move I would literally date no one who interests me at all. But I guess a vague rule of thumb about how long you wait for effort to be reciprocal before nexting would be useful.

But you weren't "friends" -you were attracted to him, and he to you and you wanted to be more than friends and so did he -he wanted to be sexual/have sex with you. Nothing to do with "gentle with your heart" either - he was entitled to believe you wanted to have sex/be sexual with him on a casual basis when it was convenient for both of you and you felt like it. He wasn't dating you, you two were not in or working towards a romantic relationship. If you want to be friends with someone you're attracted to, date the person and wait to have sex if you think that will help you get to know the person better without you getting all attached and clingy from having sex. If you are not attracted to someone then be friends and sometimes down the line a spark appears. And sometimes not.

You can ask a man out on a date (With some exceptions, I didn't ask him out on a first date but showed interest in other ways) and if he says yes and shows up reliably then let him ask the next time -it's the same in most social situations -let the other person reciprocate and you reciprocate -keep it somewhat balanced.

It's not about waiting at all -be proactive in being out there to meet all different kinds of people you might have things in common with and show interest especially through shared interests and activities.

Jibralta, how early on did those green flags appear? If I waited for guys to make the first move I would literally date no one who interests me at all. But I guess a vague rule of thumb about how long you wait for effort to be reciprocal before nexting would be useful.

"The first move" and "green flags" might be two different things. Part of the green flags that I experienced was that he didn't make any moves on me, but spent quality time with me until a point where a romantic relationship became a natural progression.

Actually, it's more accurate to say that we both spent quality time with each other, getting to know each other. And we grew closer as a result.

"The first move" and "green flags" might be two different things. Part of the green flags that I experienced was that he didn't make any moves on me, but spent quality time with me until a point where a romantic relationship became a natural progression.

 

Actually, it's more accurate to say that we both spent quality time with each other, getting to know each other. And we grew closer as a result.

For me I don't consider a man asking me out on a date to be a "move" in any aggressive or negative sense -to me that's positive and I shyed away from men who insisted "friends first" -that told me that for some reason they felt that a friendship could not develop by going out on dates and perhaps some negative feelings about being affectionate/romantic and eventually sexual as having a negative impact on friendship. I had lots of time for male friendships. I had no time to be "friends first" where we both were attracted to each other - that was a waste of my time -if he didn't want to get to know me by dating me that didn't work for me. Certainly some platonic friends became more but that was where there wasn't this restrictive "friends first" -we were platonic friends who later discovered an attraction

By "move," I was thinking physical.

By "move," I was thinking physical.

Yes! I also thought you meant that but was concerned the OP would think it meant initiating of any type.

Oh. Well, it goes without saying (I hope) that different things work for different people. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. I am only describing my own particular experience.

Oh. Well, it goes without saying (I hope) that different things work for different people. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. I am only describing my own particular experience.

So true and quoted again for emphasis.

Oh. Well, it goes without saying (I hope) that different things work for different people. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. I am only describing my own particular experience.

Yes, totally get that. We've had similar experiences.