Another guy blows hot and cold

[Batya33]

So true and quoted again for emphasis.

 

Yes, and I've never heard of a happy, long term relationship resulting from a woman having sex with a man who she is crushing on and who hasn't reciprocated her interest and continues to be content for a year with a casual arrangement to hang out/hook up/have sex when its convenient. So I wouldn't go too far with the "different strokes" because I fear that might suggest to the OP that her strokes with this guy might have amounted to more than stroking.

[katrina1980]

Yes, and I've never heard of a happy, long term relationship resulting from a woman having sex with a man who she is crushing on and who hasn't reciprocated her interest and continues to be content for a year with a casual arrangement to hang out/hook up/have sex when its convenient. So I wouldn't go too far with the "different strokes" because I fear that might suggest to the OP that her strokes with this guy might have amounted to more than stroking.

 

Well Jibralta posted it, to which "you" agreed (post 25); I simply requoted for emphasis.

 

But now in response to 'my' post, you say you don't quite agree?

 

This is a rhetorical question by the way, it doesnt matter.

 

You've made your point.

[Batya33]

Well Jibralta posted it, to which "you" agreed (post 25); I simply requoted for emphasis.

 

But now in response to 'my' post, you say you don't quite agree?

 

This is a rhetorical question by the way, it doesnt matter.

 

You've made your point.

 

I completely agree and I personally don't want the OP to get the idea that anything goes and that the way she chose to act with this guy was at all likely to develop into a serious relationship despite the broad "different strokes". So rhetorical or otherwise I wanted to clarify.

[katrina1980]

I completely agree and I personally don't want the OP to get the idea that anything goes and that the way she chose to act with this guy was at all likely to develop into a serious relationship despite the broad "different strokes". So rhetorical or otherwise I wanted to clarify.

 

I got that B, what I was wondering was why you chose to respond to 'me' and not Jibralta, since she was the one who originally made the comment about "different strokes." Which you agreed with. I simply requoted.

 

I just thought that was a bit strange, but no biggee, promise!

 

Like I said doesn't matter, I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it.

 

Merry Christmas! :x-mas:

[1a1a]

It’s probably moot but this guy and I did not have casual sex over the last year. I didn’t have sex with him again after the first time because he wasn’t interested in more. Didn’t get intimate again until the other night when he started doing things like holding my hand and telling me he has a crush on me.

[ThatwasThen]

It’s probably moot but this guy and I did not have casual sex over the last year. I didn’t have sex with him again after the first time because he wasn’t interested in more. Didn’t get intimate again until the other night when he started doing things like holding my hand and telling me he has a crush on me.

Holding your hand and telling you he has a crush on you means sweet bugger all. Stop being a booty call through cold turkey never again withdrawl.

 

Your heart seems to be directly connected to your gennies so you have to stop getting sexually involved until a guy is showing in words and actions that actually match them (both not just one or the other) that he wants you for more then a one off or when-in-town-booty.

[Batya33]

It’s probably moot but this guy and I did not have casual sex over the last year. I didn’t have sex with him again after the first time because he wasn’t interested in more. Didn’t get intimate again until the other night when he started doing things like holding my hand and telling me he has a crush on me.

 

Yes, you watched the lips -what he said -not the feet- what he did -(although lips -what he says -are important if he says he is not looking for a relationship). Holding your hand and telling you he has a crush on you while he is drunk is enough for you to get naked with him when you say you want a potential relationship?

[Hollyj]

It’s probably moot but this guy and I did not have casual sex over the last year. I didn’t have sex with him again after the first time because he wasn’t interested in more. Didn’t get intimate again until the other night when he started doing things like holding my hand and telling me he has a crush on me.

Good Grief, girl! That's all it took!!!

 

Expect more! And, stop allowing yourself to be treated as a booty call.

[1a1a]

Learning curve

[Batya33]

Learning curve

 

Yes and you can learn a lot and make the curve speed up if you choose (without showing your curves lol)

[Sportster2005]

I crushed on this guy last year, not reciprocated. He was attracted to me sure, we’ve been intimate, but not attracted enough to make anything of it. I went low contact and talked myself out of the crush and see him sporadically as he still invites me out when he comes to town (he lives a few hours away).

 

Last time we caught up he’d been drinking wine and was uncharacterustically huggy. I spent the night, he told me he has a crush on me (whaaaat?!)

 

The next day he’s back to not replying to my messages. Asked him if he’d like to catch up again before he heads back. A day later I have to specifically reference that question to get it answered (wishy washy ‘I do but I wasn’t sure if I’ll have time’).

 

After he’d gone home I shared some video with him of a band I was mixing I thought he’d like. No reply. That was two days ago, he’s obviously not going to reply. Maybe he thought it didn’t need one. Maybe he’s having a bad mental health patch. Maybe he never liked me and was lying. Doesn’t matter. I’d be stupid to pursue him now.

 

And I am sad, because I like this guy, because I can’t remember the last time I was pursued, because EVERY. guy in the last two years has done this bull hot and cold thing, and sure I was a needy wreck two years ago but I’ve improved out of sight, it doesn’t change anything, hot and cold is all that’s going. And every guy that pretends to be interested for just a little while, just long enough for me to dare to dream that someone might want me back at last, acutely reminds me that I long for a partner. (The lulls inbetween I sometimes manage to forget that entirely).

 

I’m even more sad that my stupid mind is expending so much energy on this jerk who hasn’t given me a second thought since I left his room

 

Gah !!! Never listen to what someone says when they're drinking. And DON'T sleep with them. Ignore people who are drunk. Don't confuse lack of inhibition with some kind of secretive feelings.

[ThatwasThen]

Learning curve

 

What? You've been reading and starting enough opening posts to have learned the curve by now. The problem is you keep making the same mistakes. You are into instant gratification which more times then not, leaves you feeling as you do now. You need to change your dating M.O. and learn to wait for sex until your sure the guy you want to do it with wants more then to just do it.

[Jibralta]

Yes, you watched the lips -what he said -not the feet- what he did -(although lips -what he says -are important if he says he is not looking for a relationship). Holding your hand and telling you he has a crush on you while he is drunk is enough for you to get naked with him when you say you want a potential relationship?

 

Agree.

 

Watch the feet and not the lips--good advice.

 

Did you confuse the lips for the feet, do you think?

 

Or did you just jump in on an impulse?

[1a1a]

Instant gratification/impulsiveness for sure

[boltnrun]

Instant gratification/impulsiveness for sure

 

If that's not working for you, how about trying something different?

[Batya33]

Instant gratification/impulsiveness for sure

 

Most things you really want in life for better or worse require quelling those urges -and of course sometimes impulsiveness is awesome - if it motivates you to jump start working towards a goal - and if you then take time to slow down and reevaluate/think carefully. Instant gratification is typically inconsistent with working towards a long term goal especially one like marriage or commitment.

[Jibralta]

Instant gratification/impulsiveness for sure

 

Alas, you may just have to learn the long way.

[Hollyj]

What? You've been reading and starting enough opening posts to have learned the curve by now. The problem is you keep making the same mistakes. You are into instant gratification which more times then not, leaves you feeling as you do now. You need to change your dating M.O. and learn to wait for sex until your sure the guy you want to do it with wants more then to just do it.

 

Totally agree! Perhaps, you should read through your history.

[Dominique]

I applaud you for posting this and trying to work through the steps it will take to get a different result next time.

 

I would encourage you to spend some time affirming yourself and your self worth. Grow into the acceptance that you are amazing and worth the chase .... You have value. First YOU learn and cherish your value. Take the time it takes to create a realization of your value. Once you get there, don't accept less than you want and don't accept less than you are worth.

 

Please keep in mind that you live with yourself every day and you need time to recognize your true value. So it stands to reason that an outsider will need time to recognize your value as well. Make your next love interest put in the TIME. THEN evaluate for yourself if what they offer you, after they declare their desire for you, is what you want LONG TERM.

 

You need to get in the mindset that says this "Of course he likes me and wants me. I'm awesome. Who wouldn't want me? The real question is DO I WANT HIM??? And what he is offering LONG term".

If he isn't offering you anything but a night, then move on.

 

A man who wants a relationship will tell you that, pursue you over time, talk to you for weeks on end getting to know you, make special time and effort to be with you in person out and about (not at each other's homes where sex is inevitable),...he will wait for you to sleep with him if you ask him to and he will declare you to be his girl to himself, you and his friends even if you haven't slept together yet.

[figureitout23]

I applaud you for posting this and trying to work through the steps it will take to get a different result next time.

 

I would encourage you to spend some time affirming yourself and your self worth. Grow into the acceptance that you are amazing and worth the chase .... You have value. First YOU learn and cherish your value. Take the time it takes to create a realization of your value. Once you get there, don't accept less than you want and don't accept less than you are worth.

 

Please keep in mind that you live with yourself every day and you need time to recognize your true value. So it stands to reason that an outsider will need time to recognize your value as well. Make your next love interest put in the TIME. THEN evaluate for yourself if what they offer you, after they declare their desire for you, is what you want LONG TERM.

 

You need to get in the mindset that says this "Of course he likes me and wants me. I'm awesome. Who wouldn't want me? The real question is DO I WANT HIM??? And what he is offering LONG term".

If he isn't offering you anything but a night, then move on.

 

A man who wants a relationship will tell you that, pursue you over time, talk to you for weeks on end getting to know you, make special time and effort to be with you in person out and about (not at each other's homes where sex is inevitable),...he will wait for you to sleep with him if you ask him to and he will declare you to be his girl to himself, you and his friends even if you haven't slept together yet.

 

Well said!

[elleinad]

I've never posted anything on this site before, but after reading your question, I had to respond. The exact same thing happened to me about a year ago with a guy I met. He approached me and I didn't take it too seriously (I never usually do) until he would message me all the time, tell me how much he liked me and even introduced me to his family. I started falling for him, ignoring all the signs (like him never wanting to hang out with me alone, disappearing for weeks at a time etc...). Whenever he would disappear, I would talk myself out of liking him, only for him to reappear again. This went on for a couple times, and I allowed myself to fall for him over and over thinking that it would work out and enjoying the attention he was giving me.

 

In the end it didn't work out. And you know what, I've spent the last several months analysing his actions, wondering what I did wrong, what could I have done better, thinking that I'm not good enough, and I'm only starting to realise that he never really liked me. And I see similar traits in your guy. If a guy is hot and cold like that, he doesn't like you, or doesn't like you as much as you need him to like you. He's only in it for himself. In order to consider someone for a long term relationship, you need to know that you can trust and count on them. If they're unsuitable during the courting phases, how much more unsuitable will they be in the long run.

 

Cut him loose. He doesn't like you. It will only lead to heartbreak. Although you are better now, maybe those guys are a habit, and it takes a lot to break a habit. Don't accept foolishness from the onset and you will see that the quality of guys will slowly improve.

[lostandhurt]

From a man's perspective let me give my two cents.

 

I do think he liked(s) you but what he likes is that when he is in town for another reason other than to see you he can contact you and have someone to hang out with. You are on a mental list of "while I am there I can text 1a1a and hang out with her" The sex for him was a bonus I am sure but he surely wanted to have sex with you and that is why he turned up the affection.

 

If you were to look at this guy as relationship material would he pass the most basic checklist?

 

Cons

He lives hours away

He has shown little interest in you unless he happens to be coming to your city

He has a pattern of not being sincere

He only thinks about you when he is about to come to your city or you are actually right in front of him but as soon as you are out of sight you are out of his mind

 

Pros

He is attracted to you but I am sure there are tons of guys attracted to you.

You are attracted to him but what about him is attractive? Physical or something else?

 

Many of us (men and women) have been there where we like someone but not enough to take it to the next level. Some string it out while others end it as soon as they realize they are just blasé about the other person. It is great to have someone to hang out with but if you are never all in it is just using someone that likes you way more than you like them for companionship.

 

Do you have a mental checklist of when you will be totally done with a guy?

Since this happens more times than not to you do you find yourself making excuses for these men when they don't reply or show enough interest?

Do you ever question them when they do show up again why they disappeared? Do you ever call BS on them?

 

There are solid guys out there that know what they want and are not willing to use a women just for companionship, unfortunately there are plenty that will if you let them.

 

Remember that old saying "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me"

 

Don't give up, just sharpen your skills

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I don't think it's a pro that he is attracted to her because he doesn't want a relationship with her which is what she wants.

[figureitout23]

From a man's perspective let me give my two cents.

 

I do think he liked(s) you but what he likes is that when he is in town for another reason other than to see you he can contact you and have someone to hang out with. You are on a mental list of "while I am there I can text 1a1a and hang out with her" The sex for him was a bonus I am sure but he surely wanted to have sex with you and that is why he turned up the affection.

 

If you were to look at this guy as relationship material would he pass the most basic checklist?

 

Cons

He lives hours away

He has shown little interest in you unless he happens to be coming to your city

He has a pattern of not being sincere

He only thinks about you when he is about to come to your city or you are actually right in front of him but as soon as you are out of sight you are out of his mind

 

Pros

He is attracted to you but I am sure there are tons of guys attracted to you.

You are attracted to him but what about him is attractive? Physical or something else?

 

Many of us (men and women) have been there where we like someone but not enough to take it to the next level. Some string it out while others end it as soon as they realize they are just blasé about the other person. It is great to have someone to hang out with but if you are never all in it is just using someone that likes you way more than you like them for companionship.

 

Do you have a mental checklist of when you will be totally done with a guy?

Since this happens more times than not to you do you find yourself making excuses for these men when they don't reply or show enough interest?

Do you ever question them when they do show up again why they disappeared? Do you ever call BS on them?

 

There are solid guys out there that know what they want and are not willing to use a women just for companionship, unfortunately there are plenty that will if you let them.

 

Remember that old saying "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me"

 

Don't give up, just sharpen your skills

 

Lost

 

Well said, I enjoyed reading your perspective list.