Trying to figure out if my marriage is over

I've never posted anything like this before, but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

To provide a little bit of background, my wife and I have been married for 16 years this past June. We met in college and dated for about a year and a half, then broke up. We got back together and eventually got married about six months after she graduated.

For about the first 12 or 13 years of our marriage, we worked opposite shifts; I would work during the day, she would work from about 6pm-2am, and this worked well after we had kids and didn't have to pay daycare expenses. It was also the strongest part of our marriage as we didn't really see each other until the weekends. Back then, marriage was fun, she was affectionate, attentive, and we would have sex 2-3 nights per week.

About three or four years ago, she moved up the ranks at her company and was promoted to a management position. Now that the kids are older and in school, she changed her hours to day shifts. She still has to work weekends every now and then, but it's not too bad. We see each other practically every day now, and will send texts during work hours to say hi and check in, etc, etc.

Things changed around about a year and a half ago. She's become cold, distant, and not affectionate. We still have sex, but that's decreased to one night a week, and it just seems like she's doing it out of obligation. She always tells me how good it is and feels and that she's satisfied, so I'm pretty sure the quality isn't an issue. But the issues are way beyond sex. She'd rather sit on her phone or iPad and read or be on Pintrest or Facebook than talk to me. If I try to kiss her, she always makes sure it's only a peck...we haven't really kissed for at least the past five or six months. I tell her I love her, I get an "I love you, too" and then I realize she hasn't told me the same unsolicited in weeks. If I go to hug her, she goes into "bro hug" mode and is out of there in a second. My compliments and flirtations are met with eye rolls and sayings like "you're such a dork."

A few weeks ago, I asked her if anything was wrong, and told her why I was asking. I told her if she needed me to back off a bit, just tell me. She said that she was sorry, it was her fault, she feels she's either always in mom and work mode, and she would work on it. That lasted for about a day, then it was back to square one. Two weeks ago, I brought it back up, and she was furious with me; she said I was reading too much into things, she's happy, and I need to stop dwelling on it and roll with it. This was also over text while we were working, then I said I wanted to talk about it later. She avoided any discussion about it.

The bottom line is that I feel like she's not attracted to me and doesn't respect me anymore. I feel like she's mentally checked out of our marriage and is just coasting. Any efforts I make are just met with an apathetic attitude. The rejection is bringing me to that point, too. Her parents had what turned out to be a bad marriage (about ten years ago it was discovered that her dad was cheating on her mom and he wound up leaving her the other woman and married her) and my parents have had a volatile marriage but are still together. I don't want that, and I don't want a marriage where we're just roomates and financial co-contributors. I love her more than anything and I just feel like the feelings aren't mutual anymore. I feel hopeless and am wondering if my marriage is over.

I understand why you are frustrated. You see a difference, but she refuses to admit it. Anyone in your position would feel the way that you do.

Maybe it would be helpful if you keep a journal or a calendar of the differences, as you see them. Then, the next time you talk to her about this, you will have specific examples to draw from. You will also be able to determine if there is a pattern to her behavior.

It is frustrating, but I think all marriages go through this specially after a major personal transition, in this case, her job promotion.

Please be patient and just give her time. When it gets really hard for you, just take a walk or get some fresh air. I will also recommend developing a new hobby to occupy your mind to veer away from this being a full blown bitterness on your part. Do not go that way. The people we love do not seem to realize when they kick us to alienation, and we do have to be patient and not give up.

Why not send her flowers or some type of a surprise every now and then as a reminder of you and your needs and you feel left out?

Do you think she is cheating on you? How about you both try marriage counselling? You sound invested in your marriage but she sounds like she's checking out.

During your marriage, have you been physically affectionate even on days you don't plan on having sex? Make sure you do this, to show your wife you care and that you're just not paying attention to her when you want some.

Maybe she's bored of the same-old, same-old. How about starting a new hobby together, like dance classes. In my area, we have tango, salsa, ballroom, swing. How about a long weekend vacation. You don't need to go far. Just a get-away from the kids and spend time together in a different city.

On days you don't want sex, offer a foot rub or back rub. Hold hands while watching a show on t.v. Plan a date night or weekend day activity and be creative. Search the internet for local festivals and Google creative date ideas.

And never text about important issues. Those discussions should be done in person. When the time seems right, hold her hand on the couch and ask her if there's anything she wishes would improve in your marriage. Make sure you're doing a good share of the chores. People usually like to unwind after work by sometimes checking e-mail and Facebook, etc., but at some point, a couple should have some time without the cell phone and computer to share quality time together. It's a reasonable request to ask for this.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It is frustrating, but I think all marriages go through this specially after a major personal transition, in this case, her job promotion.

 

Please be patient and just give her time. When it gets really hard for you, just take a walk or get some fresh air. I will also recommend developing a new hobby to occupy your mind to veer away from this being a full blown bitterness on your part. Do not go that way. The people we love do not seem to realize when they kick us to alienation, and we do have to be patient and not give up.

 

Why not send her flowers or some type of a surprise every now and then as a reminder of you and your needs and you feel left out?

The promotion took place a while ago; I know her company has been through some restructuring a couple of times since, but I don’t think it’s her job that’s causing this.

As far as the flowers, I do the “just because” flowers thing every now and then, most recently a couple of weeks ago. She thanked me then went into her current state.

Do you think she is cheating on you? How about you both try marriage counselling? You sound invested in your marriage but she sounds like she's checking out.

I’ve had my suspicions of infidelity, but no real hard evidence. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve done some snooping around to see if that’s the case. I feel terrible about it, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I doubt I could get her to ageee to counseling, as everything’s okay in her mind (at least she tells me).

During your marriage, have you been physically affectionate even on days you don't plan on having sex? Make sure you do this, to show your wife you care and that you're just not paying attention to her when you want some.

 

Maybe she's bored of the same-old, same-old. How about starting a new hobby together, like dance classes. In my area, we have tango, salsa, ballroom, swing. How about a long weekend vacation. You don't need to go far. Just a get-away from the kids and spend time together in a different city.

 

On days you don't want sex, offer a foot rub or back rub. Hold hands while watching a show on t.v. Plan a date night or weekend day activity and be creative. Search the internet for local festivals and Google creative date ideas.

 

And never text about important issues. Those discussions should be done in person. When the time seems right, hold her hand on the couch and ask her if there's anything she wishes would improve in your marriage. Make sure you're doing a good share of the chores. People usually like to unwind after work by sometimes checking e-mail and Facebook, etc., but at some point, a couple should have some time without the cell phone and computer to share quality time together. It's a reasonable request to ask for this.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

In regards to your first question, yes. I make an attempt to hug, hold hands, etc, etc every day, since I know we’re not gonna have sex every day.

And it’s awfully funny that you brought up back rubs, foot rubs, etc; that’s always the preface to whenever we have sex. She can’t have sex at all without a full body massage. It’s weird and frustrating now. She’s even told me that she needs that to get in the mood. That’s why I feel like there’s no real attraction on her part anymore. Sex involves the massage, lots of foreplay for her, then intercourse. Same thing every time. If I try to bring up something different, it gets met with a big sigh and an attitude problem.

In terms of going to festivals, dances, that sort of thing, I’ve offered. She used to be a concertgoer and I recently suggested going to one together, but no dice. We recently had a date night last weekend but it involved dinner and keno with no real conversation. And with our kids involved in music and sports activities, it’s nearly impossible.

Finally, texting is the only way I can get a response from her. She won’t talk things over face to face with me if it gets uncomfortable. She’s been known to hang up on me over the phone, and even walk out of the room mid sentence.

Look, the last thing I want to do is bash her. I love this woman more than anything in the world; I should be happy but I’m miserable and lonely. I’ve told her how alone I feel and I just get tired of the rejection and distance.

Not to minimize your experience and you seem very concerned about the state of your marriage, but having been married for 17 years and subsequently divorced what you describe is

somewhat typical in a marriage of duration for things to get off track.

Her explanation seems warranted, that she has a lot on her plate.

I would dial back the alarms somewhat and work on relieving both of your loads and carving out some quality alone time for her and alone time for the both of you.

It's hard to fix things when it's one-sided and she won't tell you what's wrong. What would I do? I'd say in a mellow tone, "I'm lonely and I can't live like this anymore. I love you and want this marriage to last. Will you attend marriage counseling with me?" If she refuses, go to counseling by yourself to show her the seriousness of the matter.

In the meantime, why don't you start a new hobby by yourself? Since she's not offering a social outlet for you at this time, find one yourself. This might also benefit the relationship when she can miss you a little bit when you're off exploring your new passion, and it might make her see you through fresh eyes.

Also, if she's asking for all of the back rubs, etc., to get her in the mood, what is she giving to you? You might mention that to her, and tell her that she has particular needs, and you do to. Tell her what those concrete needs are, like, "Instead of a quick peck, I'd like a full on toe curling French kiss."

Don't let the eye rolling and rude remarks go. I'd say, "Do you want a divorce, because there's a distance here and I need to know what the issue is."

As far as the kids activities, nothing is ever impossible. When my kids were younger, I'd trade babysitting hours with other families I trusted. I'd also pay a babysitter when needed. You don't have to attend every single game or music lesson. Pay a babysitter or ask a grandparent or other family member if they could do that task once a month. And if the lessons and sports are too much for Mom and Dad to keep up and risk their own relationship for the sake of their kids extracurricular activities, I'd suggest cutting some of that out.

She's obviously not concerned that you'll walk away because you're crazy about her, but maybe if you go to counseling and start pursuing hobbies independent of her, it might shake her out of this complacency. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

She probably feels she can act this way because based on the way you have reacted I don’t think she has any fear of losing you . However if you do become more assertive and let her know this is a serious situation and you won’t be able to continue like this then she may at least start to communicate with you and be a bit more respectful

Not to minimize your experience and you seem very concerned about the state of your marriage, but having been married for 17 years and subsequently divorced what you describe is

somewhat typical in a marriage of duration for things to get off track.

Her explanation seems warranted, that she has a lot on her plate.

I would dial back the alarms somewhat and work on relieving both of your loads and carving out some quality alone time for her and alone time for the both of you.

I have a ton on my plate, too. I have a full time job and transport kids to and from practices/rehearsals, I coach my son’s youth basketball team, and we barely have enough time to go to the gym and things are finally settled by 8 or 9pm. She’s not the only one with a full plate, but yet it seems like I’m the only one with the energy.

Instead of continuously phrasing this by trying to find out what is wrong with her(which might in fact be nothing) you shift this to telling her why it isn't working for YOU.

You don't know it isn't working for her. It also seems like your snooping didn't produce anything worthwhile. So stop trying to pry it out of her, it can only make the situation worse in my opinion.

Now. You need to take an accounting of all the reasons it isn't working for you. Because that is the only thing you do actually know.

Tell your wife of all the things that aren't working for you and why you are so upset. Lay out some concrete ideas of ways to help make the issues you are experiencing to get better.

Stop trying to get her to tell you what you think is bother her and instead tell her what is bothering you.

She might have stuff bothering her but if she won't open up there is nothing you can really do to make it happen. But if she doesn't have stuff bothering her you are just projecting your issues on her.

There is nothing wrong with you having these issues. Just be honest with her. If you frame it in the sense that YOU are not happy with how things are that is significantly different that you being worried about her being unhappy.

Well, I laid my cards out on the table. I asked about the rejections and coldness and distance and it didn’t go well.

I thought we were making progress; she apologized for not fulfilling my needs and said she understood some of my concerns. I apologized for dropping this on her like a ton of bricks and so suddenly, but it’s been difficult because I feel alone and like I have no one to talk to. Then she said something that troubled me; she said that basically she’s giving all she has to give and I have to decide if it’s enough. That she can’t help the fact that I need more than what she is able to give me. This is the way she is.

When I asked her what that meant, she got upset and said she can’t win with me. I folder her I was sorry and said that I thought I could talk to her if I thought something was wrong in an attempt to work it out. Unfortunately all of this happened via text message; she went silent and I asked her if she was still there and let me know when she was coming home. She said she’s going to the store or the gym and doesn’t want to be here with me right now. I’ve asked her to come home and talk in person and that not coming home won’t help things right now, but she’s gone off the grid. I can’t get her to respond.

I’m conflicted now; part of me wants to go talk to her, but I’m even more sad than when everything started. Even though she said she was still in love with me and that me and the kids were her life, I feel even more disrespected and upset than before. Would you really put someone you said was your life through all of this?

I’m trying to be rational and give her time to cool off, but I’m just at a loss. My kids are downstairs doing their thing, not a clue of what’s going on. I was cleaning our bedroom bathroom and just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m contemplating grabbing a bag and staying somewhere else tonight, but I’m afraid that will escalate things even more, and I don’t want my kids seeing that.

Last update...

We finally were able to talk face to face about things; she feels terrible about the lack of affection lately and promises to try and change things. She reiterated that she is still definitely in love with me and is now scared that I would consider stepping out on her because she hasn’t been fulfilling my needs. I told her as long as she’s trying and is putting in a conscious effort she has nothing to worry about.

There are things that I will obviously work on, too; I can’t expect us to be able to go back to the way things were early on in our marriage 16 years later, and I need to stop worrying about all of the little things. I also think giving her more space and time to ourselves is a good thing.

It’s a start; she’s aware and while this hit her like a ton of bricks she’s promised to work on things to make it better.

That's good. I recommend you both read Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus to learn better communication skills and to read The Five Love Languages to find out which love language each of you values most.

Well I am glad you brought this up because it festering in the background is a lot worse.

I would implore you to never ever under any circumstance initiate that level of a conversation in anything other than a face to face dialog. Just for future reference.

You two could benefit from some marriage counseling. I am glad she wasn't totally dismissive or in denial.

It sounds like you have a great shot at it if you both are willing to work at it.

If you do want any advice on this or comments feel free to post more. I might be invasive with questions though, just because I can't advise without having a better idea.

Also venting on here is a great stress relief.

I would recommend doing a lot of research to try to understand your relationship dynamics. It is very hard to improve things you aren't aware of them

If you have worked opposite shifts for years - and suddenly you are home at the same time - she has had a lot of time to herself without you - either taking care of the kids when you are not there or having downtime/personal space. A friend of the family had a major adjustment after her husband retired - went from seeing him for late dinners and then he was constantly home all the time. They solved the problem by him going to the gym and getting involved in a club or hobby. Maybe you need to take things slow and make sure you both have self care time to help transition from the opposite schedules to the same schedule