How can I forget what she did to me?

I have decided to write on this forum because I have held my feelings in for too long now and need someone to speak to it about.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and a half now, but we liked each other for a year before that and I have known her for four years now. It is the first serious relationship both of us have been in and everything was going perfectly, we loved each other a lot and made a lot of plans for the future. The last 3 months we have been living together, it was only supposed to be for 5 months so neither of us saw it as a massive commitment. We were looking forward to living together and thought that nothing could go wrong. When we first moved in my girlfriend was working night shifts, so I would only see her two evenings a week. At first it was hard, especially for me as not everything was going well at my new job and I had been feeling unhappy and a sense of 'what am i doing here'. The second week we were living together I waited up on a Friday night for her to get back at 2 am, she called me after work to tell me she was going for drinks with another guy instead. I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of her going out with another guy at 2 am, but didn't say anything about it, expecting her to be back within an hour or two. She ended up spending all night with him until 6 am. I had to go away for the weekend so left without speaking to her and I let her know I was angry with her by ignoring her calls. When I asked her to explain what happened, she said they had gone out clubbing. After me pushing for an answer she also admitted that he had hit on her but absolutely nothing had happened and I believed her. She admitted it was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again, I was still a bit upset but didn't let my feelings show for fear of appearing untrusting. Two days later I borrowed her computer and found out that the guy had given her a hickey. I was obviously incredibly upset and was ready to leave her, even when I confronted her (without the evidence) she still denied that anything happened. After I told her what I found she broke down into tears and tried to make it up to me. She offered excuses for her behavior and even asked if she could still hang out with him. The next few days she was really sorry about everything that had happened, she wrote me a letter pouring her heart out and in the end I forgave her. Apart fro one time three days after this happened it has never been brought up again.

This past month I was a **** to her, as I felt I needed to punish her, but still she stood by me. However all it takes now is a little trigger (such as kissing her neck) and it brings back all these memories. I still think about it everyday and ask myself how she could do this to me, but I am scared to bring the topic up again because it seems like a minor incident and I don't want to push her away. I forgave her and that should be the end of it, but I haven't forgotten, I also think that something else happened (because she lied to me the first time). The way I look at other girls now has changed as well, before I would never even consider cheating but now it seems like a way to get back at her. I even tell her now if a girl is flirting with me, and act like she is just a friend I'm telling this stuff to. I just want some advice on how to deal with this situation and whether I am overreacting to it all. Anything would be good thanks, I have nobody to talk with about it.

It is bad enough she cheated on you, the thing that would really put me off is she is a liar.

That really shows what she thinks of you. It also shows she is a person of low integrity. Also she does not have your back.

i would dump this women in a second and not look back.. So yourself a favor and get rid of her, you will be doing yourself a favor

Also you ignoring her to punish her is childish. Adults do not ignore each other to punish, they talk it out..

next time talk, do not punish someone by ignoring. That is immature

Once trust is broken, it's difficult to get back.

You idealizing being with someone else is not going to do you any good.

You will most likely end up acting on it.

Two wrongs won't make it right.

You either forgive, trust, and move on, or you break up.

You telling of other girls flirting is only going to put doubt in her mind on what you're doing,

as she knows you know that she broke the trust you had in her. She will be thinking you are going to

get revenge. This is going to be a no win situation if you play these games.

You can do better than a girl that lets other guys leave hickeys. I bet they did more. In no realm is hanging with a guy at 3am one on one while u have a bf appropriate or acceptable behaviour. Dump her! It'll do you a world of good.

You're not over-reacting, OP. This was not a "minor incident" - she cheated on you and then lied about it. I would also hazard that you still don't know the full truth. It's unlikely this was just a hickey.

Your girlfriend is dishonest and disloyal, and you've only been together 1.5 years. This kind of trouble so soon does not bode well for a future together. Cheating on her isn't going change anything, other than add another layer of toxicity. My advice would be to end it, and find someone who respects you enough not to be disloyal, or at the very least, break up with you before going off to explore her desires with other guys.

That's just it, isn't it, "how could she have done that to you" - it is either something one can fathom doing, or not. To just up and leave for a night out with a guy, proceed to let him flirt and give you a hickey, lie about it too, isn't something you just suddenly decide you can do. It has to be in your mental/emotional repertoir as something you morally justify to yourself somehow in advance. So to answer, you can't "just forget" she is someone who can do this. As for her reaction to getting caught, don't mistake dramatics for a conscience.

Getting even with the behavior you have adopted will leave you in a toxic dynamic - is the point of a relationship for you to repeat feeling rejected, unloved, punishing her for it ?

You won't trust her or feel comfortable again because she has proven untrustworthy, and as someone who goes behind your back when you relax and try to trust all is well.

You are already saying you see girls in a negative light now. End this crappola before you internalize it.

If you can't, don't shy away from posting here from fear of getting impatient or critical responses. You'll need double the support and insight if you can condemn yourself to this misery than if you can't.

Hey everyone, thanks for all the responses. I made the decision to forgive her and I am in doubt at whether that was the right one. It just seemed a shame to end such a beautiful relationship over this one incident, although now I don't know if I will ever be able to forget it. It happened two months ago now and she feels it is all in the past. I am just. worried that if I bring it up again it will damage the relationship further. What should I do?

Well if you have forgiven, why would you need to bring it up?

It either still bugs you, or it doesn't.

I have forgiven her and trust her again, but thinking about what happened still weighs on my mind.

I have forgiven her and trust her again, but thinking about what happened still weighs on my mind.

I think you are trying hard to convince yourself that you trust her. Once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to get it back 100%. The fact that you can't forget doesn't help with trusting either. You are clearly struggling with this (understandably) and I don't see how this relationship will ever get back to what it was before. Betrayal, deceit, lies and cheating - all very huge issues. I can only suggest couples counselling to help you get through it.

I have forgiven her and trust her again, but thinking about what happened still weighs on my mind.

When you have forgiven something, you do not feel the need to punish the other for it. You throw mentions of other girls to her, continually inflicting the same rejection and injury on her that you resent her for, that's not trust and forgivenrss.

If you were to bring it up, what would you hope the conversation to amount to?

It is as if you are wanting to stay, and to talk about (to rephrase?) the issue until it becomes something you can digest, something that ascertains that you do in fact mean to her what you had hoped you do, and you do have the relationship you had hoped for. A repetition aimed at a desirable outcome finally, except with behavior that goes against that, and it seems for anyway of this seeming like the relationship you want, it would require a whole lot of denial and mental gymnastics.

Or maybe you are subconsciously prolonging this only because getting the same negative "message" over and over again will hopefully allow you to detach with more ease than if you still had some "maybe" or glimmer of hope that she was more committed?

Is there something we are missing? That preceeded her deciding to just go out with him? It would explain why you don't believe that's simply who she is and perhaps instead believe she was somehow provoked into behaving like that? Were you arguing prior to the event or something?

She is a liar and a cheat, she also does not respect you. You should be done.

I made the decision to forgive her and I am in doubt at whether that was the right one

So you made the wrong decision. It happens. In the cold light of day you might have made a better one. Involving perhaps couples counselling. Don't feel you have to stick to your bad decision and throw good money after bad..

It just seemed a shame to end such a beautiful relationship over this one incident, although now I don't know if I will ever be able to forget it

One incident that you know about. And one is enough, incidentally. Let's review; she cheated and then lied about it. On top of her low morality and lack of loyalty she has no integrity nor respect for you.

When you love someone, you protect them from hurt. She's done the reverse. The turmoil you're going through is your gut screaming at you. Stop ignoring it

Hi Eternaloptimis

I am pretty sure this was a one time mistake, she didn't really have any relations with guys a year before we dated because she liked me (even when I did). Do you think I should bring it up one last time to see what she says before I make any decisions about breaking up with her.

I understand that I shouldn't punish her, I only did it for a few eeks after I found out and then realised it had to stop.

I want to bring it up just so she understands what I'm still going through, she seems to have completely moved on from it but I haven't. I am certain that there is no commitment issue and that this was a one time mistake.

It was just after we had moved in that she did it. It was a big adjustment for both of us but doing what she did was not the best way to respond. Initially she said there was no reason for her doing it but later claimed it was because she couldn't deal with the commitment at the moment, but I feel like she made that up to justify what she did.

I understand that I shouldn't punish her, I only did it for a few eeks after I found out and then realised it had to stop.

 

I want to bring it up just so she understands what I'm still going through, she seems to have completely moved on from it but I haven't. I am certain that there is no commitment issue and that this was a one time mistake.

 

 

It was just after we had moved in that she did it. It was a big adjustment for both of us but doing what she did was not the best way to respond. Initially she said there was no reason for her doing it but later claimed it was because she couldn't deal with the commitment at the moment, but I feel like she made that up to justify what she did.

You're making excuses to justify her behavior.

You know why? Because you know this isn't right, yet you're really trying to convince yourself

there's reason to stay.

Of course she has moved on from it, because she isn't the one who was cheated on. You are. You cannot compare your and her reactions to this, because she's in completely the opposite position.

You describe it as a beautiful relationship, but clearly, she was willing to risk losing it by cheating. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been staying out all hours clubbing and getting her face sucked by another guy. People who are committed don't demonstrate such poor judgement and flimsy boundaries. In one sense, she is right that she can't handle commitment. It's the way she chose to deal with it that sucks and says a lot about her general character and maturity level.

Who is this other guy, anyway?

I think she understands that what she did was completely wrong and that she'd never do it again. I just don't know if I'd be making a stupid mistake breaking up with her, simply because I can't deal with the situation even though I've forgiven her. We have so many plans for the future.

It was just some guy she works with, there is no attraction there (they're very different ages and have completely different life goals).

If she can do it once, OF COURSE she'd do it again.

She's proven she can, and she will.

If you guys don't break up, you're going to regret it because this will happen again and again. Rest assured of that.

If there wasn't an attraction, she wouldn't be letting guys give her hickeys. And it's pretty obvious she got sexual with him, come on!

Listen, what she did was terrible.

But I have been in her shoes. I made a terrible mistake like that, and lied about it to try to avoid hurting my boyfriend any further but it backfired, and my boyfriend left me. I regretted it for so long. I know that if he took me back I would treat him like gold.

People make mistakes ,

it will take time for you to build your trust back up, but if she is the one she'll be patient and understanding. I think it could definitely be worth it to give her a second chance.

If you are unable to talk with her about your problem with what SHE did, what is the relationship really worth?

If you can’t talk about things there is no reason to continue in the relationship.

Last note, they had a wild make out session or full blown sex. Are you ok with either one?

Of course she has moved on from it, because she isn't the one who was cheated on. You are. You cannot compare your and her reactions to this, because she's in completely the opposite position.

 

You describe it as a beautiful relationship, but clearly, she was willing to risk losing it by cheating. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been staying out all hours clubbing and getting her face sucked by another guy. People who are committed don't demonstrate such poor judgement and flimsy boundaries. In one sense, she is right that she can't handle commitment. It's the way she chose to deal with it that sucks and says a lot about her general character and maturity level.

 

Who is this other guy, anyway?

This is deep. Can't compare two different reactions - I'm going through something like this right now

OP, I've stated before in another post that if my partner and I had some big bust up and he went out and got blind drunk (this is hypothetical as he never does) and came home and confessed that he had kissed some woman whilst in a drunk and emotional stupor, I would probably forgive him (I've not told him this obviously!) However, this would have to be on the basis that I fully believed it was reactionary, I saw genuine raw emotion and guilt in him etc and that the promises made were enough to allay my fears moving forward.

However your gf hasn't done this. You cannot move forward because the apology wasn't genuine enough for you and the reason is that she asked if she could continue to see this man. What?? No! The red flag here is that I am suspicious that part of all the upset was because you had found out about her liaison and now she was worried you'll prevent her from seeing him again. If there is no feeling or emotion there for this guy whatsoever, than why ask this, especially DURING her apology?! Furthermore, she has rejected your feelings of insecurity by brushing off the incident as inconsequential and trying to rationalize it with a 'well I've got over it so why can't you?' response. Well of course she's got over it: she did it, probably got an ego boost and then came home to a loving bf and subsequently got away with it. Win win all round for her. You on the other hand, have suffered betrayal followed by lies followed by massive insecurity about your future together. How do these responses equate with each other? The whole foundation of your relationship has been rocked and this is not something that can be swept under the carpet. Wanting to be over it, however much you do, is not the same as actually being over it. This is not a minor issue and she has no right to treat it as such. She should now be in overdrive, pulling out all the stops to regain your trust and repair the damage she has caused. I'm sorry OP but from what you've described I don't feel that this relationship is going to end well for you.