Am I an Abuser?

So this is the first time I’ve posted on a forum...but I feel like I don’t really know where to turn. I was in a relationship that ended 6 months ago, he initiated the break up, I agreed that it wasn’t working. We argued a lot during our 1 year relationship, it was of course alright at first, then he slowly started becoming quite controlling (or so I felt) and manipulative of me and my actions. Anytime I would do something without him essentially it started a big fight, usually via text. He would tell me how insensitive I was and never put him first and how I only went out with friends without him because I didn’t want to be with him (note - we lived together and spent 95% of my time together).

I don’t want to make this insanely long, but basically I took very badly to him attempting to control me. It would turn me into a different person, a viscious person...I would say things to him while angry that I normally would never say. When he broke up with me, I agreed that we weren’t good for each other. He didn’t like that...he thought I would come running into his arms and “change”. This started almost 2 months of pure hell...him, severely depressed and out for blood against me. He did anything he could to make me feel like the worst person on the face of the Earth, he tried convincing many mutual friends I was a horrible person and after several threats of suicide, he attempted to kill himself one night. That was the last night I saw him...I kicked him out of our house as I knew I was a trigger for him and did not want to be that to him any longer.

He then began referring to himself to anyone who would listen as a “domestic abuse survivor” and accused me of being mentally abusive our whole relationship. It’s been 6 months and I still lay in bed and ball my eyes out thinking I ruined his life, that I should have just walked away whenever I was upset, I feel 100% responsible for his pain and depression...I have so much guilt that it weighs on me day in and day out. Not a day goes by that I don’t flashback to our arguments and start crying wherever I might be at the time. I feel like I was not abusive, just reacting to how I was being treated...that I was allowed to be angry and upset. But then he has me so convinced that I was an abuser and it has caused this PTSD in me that I can’t shake...

Don't think so. From what you've written, sounds like you are a victim of severe abuse and while some part of you still has a tenuous grip on reality, mostly you've lost the concept of right and wrong and that's what happens when you get involved with people like your ex. Their crazy will destroy your sanity. Please please seek out counseling for yourself because you need help sorting out the emotional damage, the questions swirling in your mind and in general, help getting back to solid ground where you once again know right from wrong. Also, make sure to remove your ex from your life completely - do not socialize where he does, do not go where he does, block all social media, ask all your friends that they do not mention him to you ever again. Your true friends know you aren't the cause of his bs, btw.

I agree with DancingFool. This was all on him, and he's manipulated you into feeling responsible for HIS actions. Don't allow that. He's a grown man, he made his own choices. You did the right thing by sending him packing. Now go get yourself the help you need to put yourself back together.

You are NOT an abuser. Not even a little bit.

It seems to me like you most likely said some very hurtful things. Just for next time realize that arguing is never good for relationships and we should all try and speak in a mature and loving way at all times....

It does not matter if the other person is controlling or did this or that...whatever...we are all responsible for our own actions and living up to our own values....

So are you? I really would not know 100% as I do not know the entire context or what was actually said.... Just never say anything that belittles another person and purposely say things to cause them pain....and then you can't go wrong

As long as you communicate in a loving and mature way you will never be an abuser

It seems to me like you most likely said some very hurtful things. Just for next time realize that arguing is never good for relationships and we should all try and speak in a mature and loving way at all times....

 

It does not matter if the other person is controlling or did this or that...whatever...we are all responsible for our own actions and living up to our own values....

 

So are you? I really would not know 100% as I do not know the entire context or what was actually said.... Just never say anything that belittles another person and purposely say things to cause them pain....and then you can't go wrong

 

As long as you communicate in a loving and mature way you will never be an abuser

 

That's great advice and would work at all times when you are dealing with sane, normal people. Abusers are often pathological and you are severely underestimating their power to incite the other person into a fight. In fact, for some that's a deliberate achievement, as in they get pleasure out of driving their partner to the brink of madness and then turning the tables on them and calling them the abuser and themselves a victim. It's the ultimate mind fck. You'd have to have superhuman self control to be able to see through that and walk away and frankly, walking away and never looking back is the only solution. Of course, it's easy to say that when you are not involved, almost impossible when you are involved in that relationship and being manipulated by someone who is pathological. I'd also add that suicidal or threatening suicide is very part of pathological behavior when they are losing control of their victim.

 

I really hope OP gets counseling. He needs help that is beyond these boards in terms of unscrambling his brain and undoing all the damage caused. He should also google more on abuse and personality disorders. Perhaps it will help him come to grips with the fact that he didn't cause his ex to act the way he did. His ex was likely born this way, so it will never change or get fixed either. He will just move on to other victims, hopefully ones that are easier to manipulate and won't kick him out like the OP did, which, btw was the sensible thing to do.

I feel like I was not abusive, just reacting to how I was being treated...that I was allowed to be angry and upset. But then he has me so convinced that I was an abuser and it has caused this PTSD in me that I can’t shake...

It sounds like you were both abusive. You're entitled to be angry or upset. But that doesn't justify saying mean things to someone or vicious behavior. If you had walked away instead of lashed out, you probably wouldn't be feeling this guilt right now.

It sounds like you were mean when angry, you had a mismatch on how much time should be spent together, he was jealous of your attention to other people while he was lonely, and he attempted to be controlling--but under the guise of maintaining a relationship. None of that sounds comfortable, but also not abusive.

The abuse comes in with mental manipulation. Where you were straightforward and not within his boundaries of the R, he could've merely rejected that and broke up with you. But him taking it to threats and then attempt at suicide is manipulative to make you feel horrible forever because you didn't want the same R he wanted. Suicide is said to be one of the highest forms of acting out anger.

Did he have PTSD from your viciousness? Perhaps.

But his reaction doesn't equal abuse.

I hope you both just stay away, far apart from each other.

Best of health to each of you.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts...it certainly put some things in perspective. I am seeing a counsellor to try and make sense of what happened. I take full responsibility for the things I said while angry and upset and I am by no means perfect, but I have never acted like this in any of my other relationships. I had a severe resentment of him starting fights whenever I went somewhere without him and it caused me to react in ways I shouldn’t have, I absolutely should have walked away or just stopped texting or speaking...but of course this can be severely difficult to do. We have had NC since mid-July so that’s helped a lot of course, but I still feel the pain and guilt of hurting him and putting him through all that pain. I know I just have to move on with my life and learn from these experiences, but that seems to be much easier said than done.

It sounds like he initiated the emotional abuse, and you let your anger get the best of you. I can't say that I blame you, as you sound like a person who can only get pushed so far until you push back. Abusers (him) don't like their victims (you) to push back, as they need you to remain their verbal punching bag. As soon as you punch back (verbally), it makes them irate, and if you are a stronger person, like you sound like you are, you will continue to push back, which causes them to initiate a smear campaign about you, making sure all of your friends and family know how "horrible" you are.

Often, abusers will push the victims so far, that the victim strikes back, and then the abuser can say "See, she's abusing me". Watch what you say and do, as the abuser can record you without your knowledge, or show your nasty texts, while deleting their own that caused you to respond in such a manner. They will gaslight you, making you believe you are the abuser, when in fact it's them perpetuating the abuse.

Best thing is NC forEVER. I am almost 2 months out of a situation not much unlike yours, and yes, the pain is real, it's palpable, and it's this weird combination of anger, sadness, and....yes....missing him.

I will never see or speak to him again. I will never see or speak to him again. I will never see or speak to him again.

just cut ties.

You are both responsible.

But your goal here is sort out who's-who's and not absorb his part in this and feel responsible for it.

Own yours, learn from it.

Learn to recognize emotional manipulation when you see it and promise to not partake in it again.