Dating someone with a very aggressive/crazy ex boyfriend

Good afternoon,

I am dating someone who lives a few states away from me (I am down often because it's where my company HQ is).

She has a very aggressive ex boyfriend. He does drive by's of her house, harasses her on the phone via calls and texts and has threatened her and me via text messages to her and also through friends of hers. He has gone as far as to say he will use a firearm.

He had put her in the hospital before and she has had a protection order against him in the past. He continues to harass her and I am now starting to fear for her safety and my own. I generally conceal carry, but it's hard to when I am traveling to another state. She was reluctant to remove him from Facebook and block his number up until last weekend. Now he is blocked from texting/calling and is blocked on Facebook. He did drive by her house last night very slowly, pointing a laser pointer at her house while she was outside. Also, it's a very small town and this guy is known as being one of the few millionaires in town and has close ties with many police officers and had sued the sheriffs office in the past and won.

I am not the type of person who usually gets involved in any kind of craziness like this. I am a combat veteran and former police officer with experience in high stress situations, but my understanding is that this guy will come with a gun and usually shows up with others because he doesn't fight one on one.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Why doesn't she have a restraining order against him now?

Why doesn't she have a restraining order against him now?

He beat it in court.

Call the police, or have her do it. This is serious. Just show them the texts... That will be enough proof.

Honestly, i would exit this mess. life is too short. If she wants to change her situation by getting a restraining order and even moving for a fresh start, then maybe you can talk to her. But because of your background, maybe that attracted her thinking that you would protect her.

Call the police, or have her do it. This is serious. Just show them the texts... That will be enough proof.

I have recommended that, especially since I am a former police officer. Her nervousness is because he is well connected with the local police department and like said before, sued the local sheriff's office and won for excessive force. I'm trying my best to convince her, but she isn't budging because of her fear that it would "push him over the edge" and he would do something crazy..

She is considering moving out of state. It's unfortunate that she has to even consider doing that, because she has a great career with the same company I work for.

Being well connected to the police department will not get one out of facing an impartial judge/jury for stalking, intimidation, and assault. The police are there for the police report and to make the initial arrest. For the crimes above, there is irrefutable evidence in the forms of text messages.

P.s. I'm glad you conceal carry... Maybe she can stay with you for a while for protection?

Being well connected to the police department will not get one out of facing an impartial judge/jury for stalking, intimidation, and assault. The police are there for the police report and to make the initial arrest. For the crimes above, there is irrefutable evidence in the forms of text messages.

Absolutely agree. She just doesn't want to..

Someone should not have to go through that amount of fear. I'm sorry she is going through that. I hope she files a police report. If not, if her or your life is in danger, or it happens again, I hope YOU call the police to do something. He has threatened you as well, remember, with a firearm. (text messages)

A lot of it is easier said than done. She's fearful of her life and so doesn't want to do anything to push him over the edge, but in doing nothing- nothing gets done.

Ultimately, it's her choice. You can choose to support her and give any and all the resources she will need but she will need to help herself first.

Huh, a lot of this sounded better in my head....

Sounds like she isn't ready to get rid of him just yet, that can be the scariest and hardest thing to do when you have an abuser. It's safer to appease them, which is probably another factor in why he beat the restraining order if she is showing signs of contacting him back or hasn't explicitly said 'leave me alone'.

While writing this thread, she just messaged me and said that she is going to court tomorrow for a new protection order. Just completely surprised me. I am anxious for her, but also happy that she is ready and willing to stand up against someone trying to control her life.

If I were her I would get out of the state. In my experience nutJobs just never get the message until you move far enough away. Myself and my family was stalked for three years by a total nut job relative that had raped and battered me . Only when we left the province did it stop .

Just curious, but have you actually seen him drive by her house, or have you been with her when he's texting her?

How long have you been dating?

Two seperate things here:

Wanting to help her

Dating her

If you want and honestly believe you can help her, that's one thing.

As a dating candidate and to mix the two as a starting point to a relationship, that's another.

As I'm sure you know, these kinds of situations can forge a strong quick intimacy and bond. Have you had time before all this together ? Did you know her prior to the boyfriend and the abuse/trauma she has experienced with this man?

I am wondering..is there something in your own life story which may be attracting you to trauma; not only the woman?

I'm not sure if dating anyone is worth your life. This is all so chaotic, and unless you've got a case of wanting to save people, I'd distance myself and find someone who doesn't have all this extra baggage.

Life is too short for that. O_o

Sounds like she isn't ready to get rid of him just yet, that can be the scariest and hardest thing to do when you have an abuser. It's safer to appease them, which is probably another factor in why he beat the restraining order if she is showing signs of contacting him back or hasn't explicitly said 'leave me alone'.

I agree and you may possibly thrive on being her savior as well. Just too many excuses.

I am not the type of person who usually gets involved in any kind of craziness like this. I am a combat veteran and former police officer with experience in high stress situations, but my understanding is that this guy will come with a gun and usually shows up with others because he doesn't fight one on one. .

I have the same expierience/training and I have never once heard abusers show up with ' guns and a gang.'

If you aren't the type to get involved in drama like this the second you found out she was still FB friends with her 'stalker' you woulda been out of there.

This has train wreck written all over it and you're asking for advice? My advice: GET OUT and please figure out why you are drawn to this drama. It's a very dramatic situation to get involved in and I really don't think she's done with him.

Honestly, i would exit this mess. life is too short. If she wants to change her situation by getting a restraining order and even moving for a fresh start, then maybe you can talk to her. But because of your background, maybe that attracted her thinking that you would protect her.

I actually didn't mean to like this bc I disagree🙈. I have an aunt that went through this and she did everything in her power to protect herself. He also had a rich daddy and family that thought he could do no wrong. She even tried to go to court but he didn't get put away. The guy shot a gun through my grandparents living room and this still wasn't enough. My suggestion would be to ask her to move in with you if you feel comfortable doing that. Ik that's extreme but I don't think this will stop until she is far, far away from him. It would be hard for someone to uproot their whole life, but having someone they can trust and that cares about them can help.

She got a protective order on Friday. Since I was still down in her state, we hung out Friday and Saturday and it was very awkward. Almost like she was very uncomfortable around me. Luckily I am going home today. Not quite sure what happened, but hopefully she is alright.

I think this is your cue to run away .

I think this is your cue to run away .

I have to agree. It's too much drama for me. Like I have said before, I am not usually drawn or involved in this level of drama. Sick to my stomach over it all.

I have to agree. It's too much drama for me. Like I have said before, I am not usually drawn or involved in this level of drama. Sick to my stomach over it all.

It is your good sense telling you to run.

I actually didn't mean to like this bc I disagree🙈. I have an aunt that went through this and she did everything in her power to protect herself. He also had a rich daddy and family that thought he could do no wrong. She even tried to go to court but he didn't get put away. The guy shot a gun through my grandparents living room and this still wasn't enough. My suggestion would be to ask her to move in with you if you feel comfortable doing that. Ik that's extreme but I don't think this will stop until she is far, far away from him. It would be hard for someone to uproot their whole life, but having someone they can trust and that cares about them can help.

Bad, bad advice. She should NOT move in with him!! This woman's life is too much of a can of worms for him to date her. I understand what you are saying, but he needs to date a woman who has less drama in her life and is not attracted to him to find a protector. And she CAN move to another town where he won't have the clout. Either way, this is not about her, this is about the original poster.

Bad, bad advice. She should NOT move in with him!! This woman's life is too much of a can of worms for him to date her. I understand what you are saying, but he needs to date a woman who has less drama in her life and is not attracted to him to find a protector. And she CAN move to another town where he won't have the clout. Either way, this is not about her, this is about the original poster.

Exactly! He doesn't know her, why in the world would he potentially put his life at risk? And honestly sometimes these women play the role of victim wanting to get out when really they know full well they plan to go back.

Do not open your home to this woman, if she was really desperate to get out there are shelters.