Boyfriend needs a lot of space! What do I do?

Basically to recap what's been going on for the past month is that my boyfriend has been super stressed and busy (he has told me exactly why) hence why we haven't seen each other in so long. I have gotten frustrated and expressed it to him a couple times but he's told me he needed space. I obliged and gave him 13 days NC but then broke it by telling him communication is important and that I was sorry for saying some things that were mean. He responded saying he was sorry and we talked a little. I imitated all the conversations and I got insecure asking if he wanted to work it out, that I was insecure bc he was so distant and felt he was loosing interest in me. He told me not to feel this way and he just has a lot going on. And said I was pushing him even though I said I would understand.

He said he would try to make time to meet up after I asked him to but after texting him some casual stuff he has ignored it. Should I give him more space?

What exactly does he have going on that requires him to need this much space?

And he said he would make it up to you after - after what?

To me it seems like you and him need different levels of A and B. He needs a lot of space and independence (A), you need closeness and merging (B) more than you need A. By accommodating his need A you're compromising on what's important to you (B), and then become needy and insecure because you're pushing him for what he can't provide enough of, but something you can't go without.

I think you can try and comply with what he's asking and see how you feel. If you continue to feel unhappy and unfulfilled, and you've told him that and he's not doing anything to change that, you need to get out, and find a relationship where your B gets met.

I would be the type like your bf, if my A is not met or my capacity for B is exceeded, I run. It just becomes too much. So understand at least that it's not something he has much flexility on.

Basically work stuff, and him moving to a new house with re doing the whole house with renovations. And I'm guessing after the renovations are over?

IMO, people just dont disappear for no reason. In your previous thread you said that he just stopped contacting you for 4 days without saying a word about it. People don't do that just because they need space.

I have a feeling he is not being honest about something.

Meh nobody is so busy that they can't talk to you or spend at least one night a week on a date, unless they are actually out of town. It really doesn't seem like this guy is that into you. More like it's nice to have you around only as is convenient for him and that's not much of a relationship. I'd stop wasting my time on trying to make this work and just move on.

He's definitely not making me a priority which if it's short term, I am ok with. He stopped contacting me for 4 days bc I made a mean comment and I guess with all the previous frustrations I've expressed it broke the camels back along with his stress

He asked me to meet up a couple of times before but either I was too busy or something came up with him

He's definitely not making me a priority which if it's short term, I am ok with. He stopped contacting me for 4 days bc I made a mean comment and I guess with all the previous frustrations I've expressed it broke the camels back along with his stress

.....Well....I mean you are both behaving poorly. He is busy and your reaction is to lash out. You make a comment that he doesn't care for, so instead of addressing it, he just disappears and doesn't talk to you for 4 days? Sorry but this is mutually toxic behavior. If you are not normally prone to lashing out and he isn't normally cold....unfortunately you probably need to face the fact that the combination of you and him and the personality clash just isn't going to work and stop making each other miserable and just move on and seek better matches. If you normally act like this when you don't get what you want when you want....I mean you need to work on that because no sane guy will tolerate that kind of behavior.

.....Well....I mean you are both behaving poorly. He is busy and your reaction is to lash out. You make a comment that he doesn't care for, so instead of addressing it, he just disappears and doesn't talk to you for 4 days? Sorry but this is mutually toxic behavior. If you are not normally prone to lashing out and he isn't normally cold....unfortunately you probably need to face the fact that the combination of you and him and the personality clash just isn't going to work and stop making each other miserable and just move on and seek better matches. If you normally act like this when you don't get what you want when you want....I mean you need to work on that because no sane guy will tolerate that kind of behavior.

I definitely have to work on being more understanding. My mean comment was "do you think you treat me well?" I think I'm going to give him a week of NC to give him space. I definitely know more about how he is now. But I want this to work so we have to work out our differences

He asked me to meet up a couple of times before but either I was too busy or something came up with him

so....he did try to see you but you were also too busy. If he keeps trying to meet up with you and you just can't seem to connect -- you shouldn't send him messages that are a "relationship talk". You should just counteroffer with another plan - even if its not a grand date. It could be coffee, if you are dating a long time, it could be riding along and running errands together. It could be breakfast. It could be just a quick meet. Neither of you are perfectly right, but since you are here and he is not -- the truth is that he tried to get together with you and it didn't work out

Well a lot of it was last minute hence why I couldn't. That's why I want to work it out with him because I know it's not his intention to break up or anything. Bad timing and misunderstanding more of

You can't work out anything if he doesn't want to. Going NC while in a relationship doesn't work and doesn't fix problems. Good communication does. He is showing you that he will not communicate and honestly, ignoring you for days on end and giving you the silent treatment like that.....it's not acceptable behavior from anyone for any reason. You just don't give your SO the silent treatment like that - it's actually abusive type action. Not sure what you are clinging on to here. Pay attention to how people act when life if not perfect, when stress and busy and bad things happen because that's when people's true colors come out. His aren't pretty and that's putting it politely.

By all means give him more space; in fact I'd say give him all the space in the world, and move on.

However, bearing future relationships in mind, sending someone a message like "do you think you treat me well?" is going to be a turnoff for any quality guy (or girl). It's manipulative and unlikely to get you the response you want, especially if the other person's really busy and stressed already. You need to find a more honest, open way of communicating with people if you feel you're not getting enough contact in relationships. Telling someone you're thinking of them, or missing them, is a much nicer way of doing it!

However, this guy doesn't sound like a suitable match for you in the first place. Even if someone's ridiculously busy, there's always time for some kind of communication and he doesn't seem to want to make the effort. Some guys don't.

When you say

I want this to work so we have to work out our differences

I really think you need to chalk this one up to experience, and assume it's over.

I'll follow with what I've said and see what happens after

Honestly, it seems like he isn't really interested in you, because no man needs that amount of time for no real good "reason"

Honestly, it seems like he isn't really interested in you, because no man needs that amount of time for no real good "reason"

Maybe I should have been more clear. He works 9 hour days and gets home around 8pm. He works on saturdays too and gets off around 4. But his free days are occupied by renovations of his new house and accountant work.

Maybe I should have been more clear. He works 9 hour days and gets home around 8pm. He works on saturdays too and gets off around 4. But his free days are occupied by renovations of his new house and accountant work.

he either does not want to see you -- or only wants to see you when he can totally focus on you.

What about skipping the formal date and suggest bringing coffees to the renovation site? (or whatever - sandwiches - take out) Or just doing it? You know - get the tour? I totally get he is doing accountant work on the side and he is renovating the house -- if he gotten past the emergency renovations and is not burning the midnight oil so he has a working toilet, he should be able to take a moment. The problem though is i don't think you can do that --- just go have coffees or whatever with him. I think that you will overanlyaze if he washed up for your arrival or whatever. And right now --- the threat of being pulled into a "relationship talk" could have him further avoiding you

He isn't being attentive to your needs.

I don't buy the "I'm too busy" excuse. It's a load of bull. I've won an at-large election while taking five college courses, acing them, all while training for the Boston Marathon, and I STILL made time for girls that were important to me. Don't give me "too busy."

No significant other should ignore their partner. I would honestly -- and I don't give this advice often -- break up with him. That would give him the space he thinks he needs.

Maybe I should have been more clear. He works 9 hour days and gets home around 8pm. He works on saturdays too and gets off around 4. But his free days are occupied by renovations of his new house and accountant work.

If someone is that busy that they don't even have time to see their girlfriend/boyfriend, then frankly, I don't think they have time for a relationship. People have priorities, and when their relationship is a priority, they make time for it. If he's so busy that he can't maintain a relationship, then he needs to be single until he has time for a relationship.

Well needing space is understandable. Him wanting 13 days NC is kind of crazy though.

He has priorities other than his day job, you just aren't one of them. That seems pretty obvious.

I could take a "hey I am going to be really busy the next 2 weeks so I might respond quickly"

But asking for a 13 day NC is crazy unless you are texting him every 5 minutes, in which case he should just tell you to back off not go NC.

I wouldn't play guessing games, I'd just tell him, "I adore you, and while I can picture us together in the future, I can appreciate that this isn't a good time for you to be in a relationship. I'm walking away while be both still think highly of one another. You can contact me if you ever decide that you'd like to have a close, loving relationship with me. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

Then I'd ride off into the sunset and cultivate my friendships, my social life, my career and some talents or interests in my life that need development to the degree that I won't suffer insecurity and dangle myself around the edges of someone else's life.

That's your percentage play, because it will 'work' for YOU, either way. If BF doesn't come around again, then he's not your guy--and you'll have climbed to higher ground with a much healthier perspective about that. If he does want to reconcile, you'll have gained a stronger foundation in your own life from which to enjoy that relationship without degrading yourself for anyone else.

Either way, it's a win/win. Head high.

Hi thanks for feedback from everyone. We talked it out and are meeting for a date later on!