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Thread: Question to men in long term healthy relationships who do not live with their S/O.

  1. #1
    Gold Member mandeelove's Avatar
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    Question to men in long term healthy relationships who do not live with their S/O.

    To all men in long term healthy relationships...keyword HEALTHY:

    How often do you naturally feel you want to text or call your s/o throughout the day? Again, in a normal relationship where you both go to work and have seemingly busy day lives... (And not a LDR and you do not live together).

    Does your amount of daily contact equal your interest in your s/o ? Or simply because you're busy?

    I'm asking guys in relationships who do not live with their s/o because it makes a difference compared to just going home and getting to see them every single day. Thanks a lot for any feedback.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Well, I've lived with my lady for about a year and a half now, but we dated for two years before making that move.

    During that time (and now), I honestly never felt too much need to call or text. I'm not that big on either as I knew I'd see her soon enough anyway. Maybe a goodnight text if we'd been on radio silence all day, but even then, often enough one or both of us would pass out before we got the chance. Frequency of calling or texting has never been a consideration as much as whether I got to see them as often as I'd like. And I did like the idea of catching up in person on any notable happenings over the past couple days.

    That said, while it's not my style, I wouldn't jump on it being inherently clingy if you are the type to prefer some level of regular communication between meets. It'd depend on the specifics for me. Key is to find someone whose communication style and frequency lines up with your own.

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    I'm not a man but perhaps you are interested in my response anyways?

    We are 40 and 43, each with our own careers, we each own our own (small) homes, a 15 minute drive apart. We've been dating about a year and a half. We have discussed living together (he brought it up) but it's kind of weird because we both own our own homes (and I don't really want to sell my house just like that?). Both of our mortgages happen to come up for renewal around the same time (end of 2018), so the ultimate plan is to revisit the discussion next year and to each sell our homes/buy a bigger one together.

    I believe our relationship is healthy and we have both commented that we feel we've struck the right balance (for us) between togetherness and space apart to pursue our own things.

    Our routine is as follows:

    Mon/Tues - we leave each other to do our own things and call each other sometime after 10pm to say Hello and Goodnight

    Wed - dinner and date night

    Thurs - he's with his kids so I leave him be and he will call me sometime after 10pm when the kids are in bed to say Hello and Goodnight

    Fri-Sun - we spend the weekend together. If he has his kids, I leave somewhere around 2-4pm to give the kids some 'dad' time without me. This is my decision. We get along just great and I am welcome to stay, but I think it's important that they have alone time with Dad before going back to Mom's. If he does not have the kids, we split just after dinner to have time to wind down and get ready for the week.

    Before I leave on Sunday, we check our calendars for the week and adjust the plans accordingly.

    Honestly? Other than our nightly call before bed which is no more than 15-20 mins (on days we don't see each other) - we don't really call or text. I mean... if we have something urgent to say or ask we will text - but frankly, 99% of what you have to say can wait and I think space in a relationship is both healthy and good.

    That's what feels comfortable for us.

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    I'm not a guy, but I'll give my insight.

    I prefer more contact. I like talking a few times throughout the day, either via text or phone. I just ended a 1 1/2 year relationship, and while we had issues, I really enjoyed, and will miss, our calls throughout the day. Just the little calls of "How's your day going?", and a few details about what's going on.

    I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship prior to this, where we'd skip several days of communication in between dates. He was more the "call if I need to talk to you" type of guy.

    While I do think that both guys cared for me equally, I do prefer the more frequent communication.

    For me, it's about feeling more connected, and for me, I just feel more connected if I talk to my partner a bit more. My exBF (recent one) felt this way too, and he preferred the calls throughout the day. His prior GF did not, and it ended up being a problem for them, as she complained it was too much, and he felt it was too little. For him and me, it was a perfect amount.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    But mandee, you were done with him, your eyes were opened just a few days ago?
    And the texting is not the issue in your relationship, you know that.... at least not the only issue....
    The biggest issue is that he doesn't love you I'd say....
    I'm having a hard time understanding why you're still struggling in this but somehow determined to make it work, while you know it isn't and it won't...
    You haven't been with him that long and look at all the threads. It won't get better!
    Imagine all the threads you have now but then in ten years time?
    I know its hard but i thought you finally realized it so I'm confused about this thread....

  7. #6
    Gold Member mandeelove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sara-pezzini
    But mandee, you were done with him, your eyes were opened just a few days ago?
    And the texting is not the issue in your relationship, you know that.... at least not the only issue....
    The biggest issue is that he doesn't love you I'd say....
    I'm having a hard time understanding why you're still struggling in this but somehow determined to make it work, while you know it isn't and it won't...
    You haven't been with him that long and look at all the threads. It won't get better!
    Imagine all the threads you have now but then in ten years time?
    I know its hard but i thought you finally realized it so I'm confused about this thread....
    Yes we are off. My mind is off with him too. Just over it. I'm asking because after being with him , over time I forgot what normal is or when a person is really interested. I have heard him say so many times he didn't call because he was busy or had too much going on in his head. I've always heard him blame another reason as to why he couldnt keep in touch but he never said it was because he simply didnt care a lot about me etc. I have also heard him say that Im "too much" and need too much communication. Which really I only want consistency and a little care. If someone says "call you in 30 minutes" I expect 30 minutes, not 3 hours. If I called him out on that, he'd say Im "too much" and he got busy or I dont understand how busy his life is.

    Over time I just got so confused, I dont know how it is to have an interested man bcuz he always said he WAS interested despite lack of ...well.. everything !! Strange right?

    This question is really to see, if a man is interested, what really goes on. This guy I speak of could talk to me 2 minutes a day, never ask me any questions about my life, and be fine....still want to date.

    Im also trying to make sure I dont waste my time in situations like this again. If I see lack of communication I should run, simply because I like talking and that just wont work for me. I find it a way of keeping spark alive especially if you dont live with them. At the end of the day me and that guy didnt fit. And if in fact he really did like me and was just cold in nature, I know that wont work , as I am very warm.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    So good for you! I'm proud!
    I think he was the one that was off, not your need for a text or a call cause there was nothing wrong with that, from what i read you weren't overly clingy.
    It's just that he wasn't as interested from the start and then you get things like that.
    I haven't read anything from you where i thought you were clingy or annoying so trust your own radar!
    Good luck and good for you!!
    Last edited by sara-pezzini; 09-07-2017 at 10:36 AM.

  9. #8
    Gold Member mandeelove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sara-pezzini
    So good for you! I'm proud!
    I think he was the one that was off, not your need for a text or a call cause there was nothing wrong with that, from what i read you weren't overly clingy.
    It's just that he want as interested from the start and then you get things like that.
    I haven't read anything from you where i thought you were clingy or annoying so trust your own radar!
    Good luck and good for you!!
    Thank you !

  10. #9
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    He wasn't as interested from the start...... stupid phone! But you got my point....

  11. #10
    Gold Member mandeelove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sara-pezzini
    He wasn't as interested from the start...... stupid phone! But you got my point....
    Yes and it was confusing because no matter what ,when the weekends rolled around he wanted to see me. Wanted me at family parties etc. Yet so much was off even when hanging out. No affection etc and no kissing. I can go on and on. Simply strange....and bad fit for me.

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