Would you walk away ? Or support .....

Hello all. I posted about my bf a few times. Since then..still working it out. He has told me feelings. He IS in it . Hes not just wasting time etc. We have many compatibility issues that bother me mostly ( not him) but I feel Im in limbo. I feel 50/50. I want him and then another side says to walk and that compatibility wise we'd never make it for years to come. Then i get hopes. Something good will happen, then I linger on. Not to mention I have feelings for him. Dating 1 year and 4 months. See the potential...

This post is mainly about this new topic. Right in the middle of our already complicated relationship, he bought a house. It needed to be gutted out and totally redone. A 6 to 8 month job atleast. His family is housing him for now which strains us. No physical intimacy etc. I held out 7 months just doing stuff maybe 2 times a month. Secondly his stress level is through the roof working a job PLUS fixing this house. We hardly hang out. When we talk its about the house. We were supposed to look at tiles/ kitchens together but his mother seems to be the "say all" in this. He only trusts her judgement in picking designs. Im a little mad about that (feel left out) but hands tied, i am not his fiance or wife....he promised hed ask my opinion but like i said, his mom stepped in and gave her opinion on styles etc. They are super close...

Our relationship was having issues. I was at the point of seeing his actions to determine how far wed go, but this house is interferring in that. Im giving him passes. .i know hes stressed so my needs go unmet. Just being there for him. Im not rattling cages. He is obsessed with the house. Told me its his main focus. He said hed be slacking on our relationship now. Less talking, less patience and refuses to come see me. He "is too tired" If u read my posts, that was an issue in our relationship so NOW its back again.

This all swirls around no effort however there is a legitimate excuse this time and I feel bad nagging him. So yes I drive but i resent it. Yes i also stay home out of spite. I drive very limited bcuz Im tired of being the only one. Then i think of his house stress and feel bad for being spiteful. Idk what to do. My post is basically asking what do i do? Stay supportive for now until he resumes normalcy? Or based on his history of low effort ,just leave and see this as another excuse? My point being bcuz he never fully improved yet and I also think he handles stress poorly with me. He works fine, keeps up friendships, health, but when it comes to me its like he cant function. He cant drive, and he always feels i should "know what hes going through."

I have feelings for him. Just dont know. Feel like Im tired of this absent bf. I go to his family parties. If i have a family day he cant come etc. Always seem to hit a wall of excuses and life stressors that prevent real work on his end. This is why Im on the fence. Although hes got a real stressor now, I know his past with me and how he never really delivers effort.

I had to dig through your past threads for more information, and they are very relevant to your questions. In fact I strongly recommend you go back and reread everything you wrote about this guy to affirm your decision to leave. Quite frankly Darling, I have a feeling you'll disregard this advice since you seemed to not follow previous advice given by other posters.

Advice ain't changin' if your situation hasn't. Please get that through your head.

So you have been with this man for a year and three months. I'm guessing you both were not serious enough to move in together because he bought the house WITHOUT your input. That is a huge purchase, and if I were you I would wonder how you fit into it in the near future. On top of it, he enabled his mother to join in on his project. Is she more experiences in terms of financing or remodeling a home? This part is left out, and it could depend on the whole situation. On the other hand, he isn't entirely leaving you out from the project if he's bringing it up within discussions with you. But I can't exactly verify that since I (or any advisors here) don't know the context of the conversation.

Looking back at your past threads, the same issue keeps resurfacing lack of intimacy and compromise from him.

In this thread ( ) you complained about he's not emotionally intimate enough, to the point you feel he isn't in love with you (LOL at the poster trying to diagnose your boyfriend with Autism when he isn't a qualified psychologist). This was from LAST MONTH. You also revealed that he refuses to celebrate holidays and your birthday with you. There's a huge lack of compromise from both ends on making time for intimacy... which is still reoccurring up to now. Nothing has changed.

You posted this thread ( ) a few days ago about contemplating on reconnecting with your ex. You wouldn't even be thinking about this if you got a boyfriend whom you are happy with. Clearly you ain't happy and are looking on what's on the other side outside of your relationship. You are looking for a way out. Not a good sign for the direction your relationship is headed. Would you be happy of your boyfriend started talking to his ex and even thought about rekindling their relationship while dating you? I'm not trying to shame you on this... But this is a clear sign that you are not happy in your new relationship at all if you keep looking back in the rearview mirror and fixate on your ex/his happiness with somebody else.

Another thread you posted ( ) discussed how close his family is and how he is not showing any intimate gestures. Again, posters on this thread advised you to work out compromises. This was three weeks before you posted the first thread I mentioned. Same issues again, nothing's changed.

Looking back at your previous threads about your boyfriend and comparing them to this thread, it's time to break it off. He's not meeting your relationship needs. It's bad enough that you even thought about seeking fulfillment from an old flame. Therefore this guy isn't a good match for what you need from a relationship, and nothing is being resolved because the two of you cannot work out a compromise. Relationships require communication to thrive, and there's no evidence within any of your threads that he wants to change. He's made it clear to you that you come second place in comparison to his family.

Again, you will find your answer just by rereading your threads AND listening to what others have said about your situation. They have given you sound advice, but you aren't really taking what's being offered?

^ what snny said^

The house is not an interference. It is a ringside view to your life with this guy and how he deals with life, with stress, with external influences that affect his relationships. Today it's the house. Tomorrow it will be a job or something else.

And if you feel you're the only one putting any effort in then it's time to reassess the relationship. Potential is the absolute worst reason to date someone or stay with them. Potential means nothing, because the world is full of "potential" but unless a person actually does the thing they have potential for it doesn't mean anything. What is someone DOING, not what you think they can do or should do, but what are they themselves doing.

Also, never date someone for what you hope or imagine will be there one day. Date the guy in front of you and only him and who do you have now? Because that's pretty much who you are going to have. It's been over a year, come on, he's not magically going to change just because you wish it.

So how else can you handle it or what needs to happen, and yes really happy not just hope or wishes, to either end this or get a relationship you want with a partner who wants one back.

Good advice from ParisPaulette.

I had to dig through your past threads for more information, and they are very relevant to your questions. In fact I strongly recommend you go back and reread everything you wrote about this guy to affirm your decision to leave. Quite frankly Darling, I have a feeling you'll disregard this advice since you seemed to not follow previous advice given by other posters.

 

Advice ain't changin' if your situation hasn't. Please get that through your head.

 

So you have been with this man for a year and three months. I'm guessing you both were not serious enough to move in together because he bought the house WITHOUT your input. That is a huge purchase, and if I were you I would wonder how you fit into it in the near future. On top of it, he enabled his mother to join in on his project. Is she more experiences in terms of financing or remodeling a home? This part is left out, and it could depend on the whole situation. On the other hand, he isn't entirely leaving you out from the project if he's bringing it up within discussions with you. But I can't exactly verify that since I (or any advisors here) don't know the context of the conversation.

 

Looking back at your past threads, the same issue keeps resurfacing lack of intimacy and compromise from him.

 

In this thread ( ) you complained about he's not emotionally intimate enough, to the point you feel he isn't in love with you (LOL at the poster trying to diagnose your boyfriend with Autism when he isn't a qualified psychologist). This was from LAST MONTH. You also revealed that he refuses to celebrate holidays and your birthday with you. There's a huge lack of compromise from both ends on making time for intimacy... which is still reoccurring up to now. Nothing has changed.

 

You posted this thread ( ) a few days ago about contemplating on reconnecting with your ex. You wouldn't even be thinking about this if you got a boyfriend whom you are happy with. Clearly you ain't happy and are looking on what's on the other side outside of your relationship. You are looking for a way out. Not a good sign for the direction your relationship is headed. Would you be happy of your boyfriend started talking to his ex and even thought about rekindling their relationship while dating you? I'm not trying to shame you on this... But this is a clear sign that you are not happy in your new relationship at all if you keep looking back in the rearview mirror and fixate on your ex/his happiness with somebody else.

 

Another thread you posted ( ) discussed how close his family is and how he is not showing any intimate gestures. Again, posters on this thread advised you to work out compromises. This was three weeks before you posted the first thread I mentioned. Same issues again, nothing's changed.

 

 

Looking back at your previous threads about your boyfriend and comparing them to this thread, it's time to break it off. He's not meeting your relationship needs. It's bad enough that you even thought about seeking fulfillment from an old flame. Therefore this guy isn't a good match for what you need from a relationship, and nothing is being resolved because the two of you cannot work out a compromise. Relationships require communication to thrive, and there's no evidence within any of your threads that he wants to change. He's made it clear to you that you come second place in comparison to his family.

 

Again, you will find your answer just by rereading your threads AND listening to what others have said about your situation. They have given you sound advice, but you aren't really taking what's being offered?

He bought the house one year into us dating. He had plans of this for a year and it took him a while to sell his house so when I stepped into his life he had that plan in place. I stepped into the middle of it so it wasnt like he wanted to go half on a house or treat it like ours. He was doing it regardless. He never said specifically Id move in but he took me on the open houses with his mom and him. He wanted me there. Once hes getting down to kitchens and design though, hes picking his moms ideas on it. I guess he trusts her. Its never been just us. Its always his mom involved and no, hes close to 40 yrs old...he is a big boy who lived on his own for 10 yrs now so not sure why he needs her into everything.... but he does. I see that dynamic never changing. They are super close, I cant stress it enough. Super immeshed. Shes a nice woman but it gets very unattractive that a grown man cant make anything intimate with just him and I...

To this day he hasnt said he loved me or truly said how he feels about me. I only know he cares about me...(.his words)....But the strange thing is, if I plan on breaking up, he is right there to make a stand like he doesnt want me getting away. I fall in that trap , and within days its back to the same.

I know i dont seem to take advice but I do and its been a process over the months. I always feel i have to fix things and i try harder. Mesnwhile hes not. Its not in my nature to give up but i know its wrong to be that way in certain cases where Ive tried it all.

Thank you again for your advice. I will re read old posts. I know its clear as day the answers are there for me.

The house is not an interference. It is a ringside view to your life with this guy and how he deals with life, with stress, with external influences that affect his relationships. Today it's the house. Tomorrow it will be a job or something else.

 

And if you feel you're the only one putting any effort in then it's time to reassess the relationship. Potential is the absolute worst reason to date someone or stay with them. Potential means nothing, because the world is full of "potential" but unless a person actually does the thing they have potential for it doesn't mean anything. What is someone DOING, not what you think they can do or should do, but what are they themselves doing.

 

Also, never date someone for what you hope or imagine will be there one day. Date the guy in front of you and only him and who do you have now? Because that's pretty much who you are going to have. It's been over a year, come on, he's not magically going to change just because you wish it.

 

So how else can you handle it or what needs to happen, and yes really happy not just hope or wishes, to either end this or get a relationship you want with a partner who wants one back.

I had to dig through your past threads for more information, and they are very relevant to your questions. In fact I strongly recommend you go back and reread everything you wrote about this guy to affirm your decision to leave. Quite frankly Darling, I have a feeling you'll disregard this advice since you seemed to not follow previous advice given by other posters.

 

Advice ain't changin' if your situation hasn't. Please get that through your head.

 

So you have been with this man for a year and three months. I'm guessing you both were not serious enough to move in together because he bought the house WITHOUT your input. That is a huge purchase, and if I were you I would wonder how you fit into it in the near future. On top of it, he enabled his mother to join in on his project. Is she more experiences in terms of financing or remodeling a home? This part is left out, and it could depend on the whole situation. On the other hand, he isn't entirely leaving you out from the project if he's bringing it up within discussions with you. But I can't exactly verify that since I (or any advisors here) don't know the context of the conversation.

 

Looking back at your past threads, the same issue keeps resurfacing lack of intimacy and compromise from him.

 

In this thread ( ) you complained about he's not emotionally intimate enough, to the point you feel he isn't in love with you (LOL at the poster trying to diagnose your boyfriend with Autism when he isn't a qualified psychologist). This was from LAST MONTH. You also revealed that he refuses to celebrate holidays and your birthday with you. There's a huge lack of compromise from both ends on making time for intimacy... which is still reoccurring up to now. Nothing has changed.

 

You posted this thread ( ) a few days ago about contemplating on reconnecting with your ex. You wouldn't even be thinking about this if you got a boyfriend whom you are happy with. Clearly you ain't happy and are looking on what's on the other side outside of your relationship. You are looking for a way out. Not a good sign for the direction your relationship is headed. Would you be happy of your boyfriend started talking to his ex and even thought about rekindling their relationship while dating you? I'm not trying to shame you on this... But this is a clear sign that you are not happy in your new relationship at all if you keep looking back in the rearview mirror and fixate on your ex/his happiness with somebody else.

 

Another thread you posted ( ) discussed how close his family is and how he is not showing any intimate gestures. Again, posters on this thread advised you to work out compromises. This was three weeks before you posted the first thread I mentioned. Same issues again, nothing's changed.

 

 

Looking back at your previous threads about your boyfriend and comparing them to this thread, it's time to break it off. He's not meeting your relationship needs. It's bad enough that you even thought about seeking fulfillment from an old flame. Therefore this guy isn't a good match for what you need from a relationship, and nothing is being resolved because the two of you cannot work out a compromise. Relationships require communication to thrive, and there's no evidence within any of your threads that he wants to change. He's made it clear to you that you come second place in comparison to his family.

 

Again, you will find your answer just by rereading your threads AND listening to what others have said about your situation. They have given you sound advice, but you aren't really taking what's being offered?

Oh sweetie here we are again......i have replied on a few of your threads but i don't have time now to go back on them all.

But i would have already left!

You keep hanging on in hopes something will change but if you have that many threads about a relationship then you know it isn't right.

Of course it's all your decision but people including me have told you many times to leave, yet you stay and cling to the smallest hope of what might be, while time goes by and you're just not happy.

I think you will get your breaking point one day and just leave but in the meantime you keep asking permission to leave, sort of, if you know what i mean.....

You ask what we would do, walk away or support.

Well i would walk away! Would have walked away long before this, there are just too many issues too many times......

You wait for things to finally be good but in the meantime here and now, they just never are, so to me that looks like a waste.

Also the fact that he doesn't love you is huge to me. Yes he cares about you, i care about my friends, it sounds like friends with benefits to me and the benefits to you are small.....

Why not end this and find a real relationship with a man who really loves you and cherishes you so that you don't have to come on here and question his behaviour?

"I posted about my bf a few times."

"Since then..still working it out."

"We have many compatibility issues that bother me"

"I feel Im in limbo."

"another side says to walk and that compatibility wise we'd never make it for years to come."

 

"Right in the middle of our already complicated relationship"

"No physical intimacy etc."

"We hardly hang out."

"When we talk its about the house."

"i am not his fiance or wife..."

 

"Our relationship was having issues"

"Im giving him passes"

"my needs go unmet"

"Just being there for him"

"He is obsessed with the house"

 

"Told me its his main focus."

"He said hed be slacking on our relationship now"

"Less talking, less patience and refuses to come see me."

"He 'is too tired'"

"that was an issue in our relationship so NOW its back again."

"This all swirls around no effort"

 

"Im tired of being the only one."

"based on his history of low effort"

"he never fully improved yet and I also think he handles stress poorly with me."

"He works fine, keeps up friendships, health, but when it comes to me ----"

"Im tired of this absent bf."

"If i have a family day he cant come etc. Always seem to hit a wall of excuses and life stressors that prevent real work on his end"

"I know his past with me and how he never really delivers effort"

Hey again mandeelove,

Above you've said what may be best to focus on as truth to your situation. That is and will continue to be "normalcy" in your relationship together. Which of these points are a yellow flag for you? Red flag?? Deal breaker? It will be the same next year and three months, and so on. Try to remember a person's actions will always give you their truth (TRUE potential, as we all have the "potential" to be astronauts or Fortune 500 CEOs if placed in the right environment). There has been no effort coming from him to improve his connection with you what-so-ever. Try to also analyze your own perspective in this situation. This won't be you giving up on him and walking away (and thereby making him a pillar in your life). It will be you re-prioritizing yourself as the most important person in your life, and allow him to continue loving his home and friends, and health on his own (making him an option that was in your life).

Move on from this guy already, he's moved on from you a while ago, you coming back each time is more of a nice addition or pleasant distraction in his life (that he doesn't even have to put in effort to "enjoy"); but it's certainly not a priority. Major reason why you're feeling in limbo. He simply does NOT want what you want.

If your 50/50 after that amount of time, I would walk away. It should be closer to 80/20. That's the bar I would set and follow.

Thanks everyone. I actually went back in my threads. I could not believe how much I wrote about this guy and how many threads I stressed the same issues. One post was a month into our relationship with the SAME issue I face now. Nothing has really changed...it just went to different areas. This was a huge wake up AND disappointment as well. Disappointment in myself that I had to go through this and always give benefit of the doubt to people. Also feel I cant trust my own judgement and gut instincts which I had throughout the year. I also am of a particular age. I do want marriage/ kids and I just wasted my time. Time I'll never get back. This relationship has really changed my views on relationships in general. It has turned me off and I really hope I can work on that because I really would love a fulfilling healthy marriage with someone one day but after this I just feel hopeless. He is a man with alot of things on paper that I wanted but relationship wise we dont match.

Thanks everyone. I actually went back in my threads. I could not believe how much I wrote about this guy and how many threads I stressed the same issues. One post was a month into our relationship with the SAME issue I face now. Nothing has really changed...it just went to different areas. This was a huge wake up AND disappointment as well. Disappointment in myself that I had to go through this and always give benefit of the doubt to people. Also feel I cant trust my own judgement and gut instincts which I had throughout the year. I also am of a particular age. I do want marriage/ kids and I just wasted my time. Time I'll never get back. This relationship has really changed my views on relationships in general. It has turned me off and I really hope I can work on that because I really would love a fulfilling healthy marriage with someone one day but after this I just feel hopeless. He is a man with alot of things on paper that I wanted but relationship wise we dont match.

PLEASE try not to be so hard on yourself, nor think of your situation as such!! In fact, that's why I last posted about shifting your perspective.. You do NOT want to walk away from this relationship feeling like a failure, or disappointed in yourself! YOU did nothing wrong! Including wasting your time, especially if you can walk away having learned your lesson(s)! You are walking away a stronger, more intelligent mandeelove! [****] happens. We grow. Daily. It's not so much that you can't trust your own judgement as it's you simply have a caring, loving heart that really wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt! You tried. Now you're going to focus that perspective on an even more important aspect/topic in your life: Yourself. It's not that you can't trust your judgement or instincts, it's that whatever "good" feelings you were getting, they trumped what your actual gut instincts and judgement was making, and you simply didn't want to listen to those instincts. If you didn't have any of that, you would not have been here this entire time, posting what you have been posting! You wouldn't be here.... but you are! And that's because your own conscious was not having it, no matter what your emotions were causing you to do.

It's never too late. I have on my friends list right now, couples in their 40s, 50s, and even a sweet couple in their 60s who just got married! If anything, remember that that checklist is fine and dandy... but like a resume to a new employee, it only tells half the story.. The other half is what they actually start to do on Day 1 of their hire date. What was Mr. MandeeLove doing on day 1?

One post was a month into our relationship with the SAME issue I face now.

I am proud of you for doing that Mandeelove! cause not everyone is willing to do that and face it.

And your eyes are open now and not tomorrow so that's good!

Don't beat yourself up cause it's always easier to see from the outside what's wrong, it's harder to do that when your in the situation.

You now did that and you now see, that's important!

What will you do now? Cause please don't leave it like this again! You must take action and not waste anymore time on him! Cause in your thread from May 11 you also said you wouldn't continue with him and were done with him.

So please follow through this time! Don't let him talk you out of it again...

Good luck... it takes courage but you can do this!

PLEASE try not to be so hard on yourself, nor think of your situation as such!! In fact, that's why I last posted about shifting your perspective.. You do NOT want to walk away from this relationship feeling like a failure, or disappointed in yourself! YOU did nothing wrong! Including wasting your time, especially if you can walk away having learned your lesson(s)! You are walking away a stronger, more intelligent mandeelove! [****] happens. We grow. Daily. It's not so much that you can't trust your own judgement as it's you simply have a caring, loving heart that really wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt! You tried. Now you're going to focus that perspective on an even more important aspect/topic in your life: Yourself. It's not that you can't trust your judgement or instincts, it's that whatever "good" feelings you were getting, they trumped what your actual gut instincts and judgement was making, and you simply didn't want to listen to those instincts. If you didn't have any of that, you would not have been here this entire time, posting what you have been posting! You wouldn't be here.... but you are! And that's because your own conscious was not having it, no matter what your emotions were causing you to do.

 

It's never too late. I have on my friends list right now, couples in their 40s, 50s, and even a sweet couple in their 60s who just got married! If anything, remember that that checklist is fine and dandy... but like a resume to a new employee, it only tells half the story.. The other half is what they actually start to do on Day 1 of their hire date. What was Mr. MandeeLove doing on day 1?