Move or Stay?

I’m at a strange point in my life. I’m 36. Been engaged before. I last lived in SoCal and have been traveling and living on the road for about 18 months. I’m ready to “settle down” and have a home base, and travel more just on vacations.

Throughout my travels, I loved mountain towns, and outdoor anything. I visited my family in Chicago and through one way or another I met a pretty amazing woman here 2 months ago. I was planning to stay a week and now I’m still here.

The problem is I hate it here. I’m not a city person, and there’s no nature around. No mountains, no nice weather etc. Just noise, traffic, terrible weather, etc. She knows I hate it here, but she’s stuck here at least another year for work before she’d consider relocating. I’m currently renting by the week or by the month ($$$) with one foot half in and half out.

My concern is in a year staying here will I go crazy, and possibly even be depressed in this concrete jungle. But if she wasn’t amazing I’d have been gone 7 weeks ago.

She’s not interested in a long distance relationship, so it seems either I stay a year (sign a lease?) and see how things goes, or just give it up and settle down somewhere that makes me happy and (hopefully) meet a girl as great as her there.

Thoughts?

Thanks in advance.

You'll resent it if you remain somewhere you hate for someone you know 2 mos. Where do you want to move to? Can you use this time to research jobs, housing, etc in areas of interest?

You'll resent it if you remain somewhere you hate for someone you know 2 mos. Where do you want to move to? Can you use this time to research jobs, housing, etc in areas of interest?

Thanks. I have a few places in mind, possibly even back to SoCal. But no big cities. And preferably better weather.

I too love the rural life and despite being born and raised in Toronto, I hate cities. So I do understand how you feel. I'd leave this girl despite her being so wonderful, because sooner or later you will hate where you are and then you'd be gone anyway. If you could find a place that works for you maybe an hour away from her, yet peaceful for you, would you consider that? Sometimes it's not possible to find a good compromise.

You have seeds planted already of meeting another nice girl, so yes move! If your still single in a year, maybe you can pick up with this one later down the track. Put yourself first because she's already told you she won't move.

I too love the rural life and despite being born and raised in Toronto, I hate cities. So I do understand how you feel. I'd leave this girl despite her being so wonderful, because sooner or later you will hate where you are and then you'd be gone anyway. If you could find a place that works for you maybe an hour away from her, yet peaceful for you, would you consider that? Sometimes it's not possible to find a good compromise.

Thank you for the reply and advice.

It would really only solve the "big city" aspect, but I'd consider that as a compromise and be willing to. The issue would arise, that she doesn't have a car (city girl) and seeing her would be weekends only then most likely, and me coming to her. Also 1 hour from Chicago is really just a 20 mile away suburb in reality with traffic.

You have seeds planted already of meeting another nice girl, so yes move! If your still single in a year, maybe you can pick up with this one later down the track. Put yourself first because she's already told you she won't move.

Thanks for the advice. Thank you all for the advice. I feel what you are saying is exactly correct and what I should do and what I know I should do, but am just worried about regret if I leave. So I want to be sure I am making the correct decision.

Just take this as an incompatibility issue. For your sanity's sake, I think you should go where you will be happy. Is it worth it to be unhappy and stay for a woman that won't compromise with you? You will build up so much resentment that the relationship won't work in for the long term.

Just take this as an incompatibility issue. For your sanity's sake, I think you should go where you will be happy. Is it worth it to be unhappy and stay for a woman that won't compromise with you? You will build up so much resentment that the relationship won't work in for the long term.

Thank you, great points.

Staying miserable for someone else who won't compromise doesn't make much sense to me.

Staying miserable for someone else who won't compromise doesn't make much sense to me.

Thanks all. Definitely agree with this.

I should clarify. She is willing to compromise and move, but for her that means in about 10 months.

You have seeds planted already of meeting another nice girl, so yes move! If your still single in a year, maybe you can pick up with this one later down the track. Put yourself first because she's already told you she won't move.

I agree with this.

Thanks all. Definitely agree with this.

 

I should clarify. She is willing to compromise and move, but for her that means in about 10 months.

Right, but she won't compromise on an LDR in the meantime?

If she's not 'in it' with you if you move, then she's not a reliable bet in 10 months, is she? That would equal 10 more months of misery, and for what--someone who has no use for you unless you make all the sacrifices? Who's to say she won't come up with more excuses in 10 months?

I'd let her make her own choices by moving. If she wants to stay in touch and offer some compromises to keep your relationship alive after that, then there's your answer. If not, then you dodged a bullet, and there's your answer. Either way, you win if you go where you'll be happy.

Right, but she won't compromise on an LDR in the meantime?

 

If she's not 'in it' with you if you move, then she's not a reliable bet in 10 months, is she? That would equal 10 more months of misery, and for what--someone who has no use for you unless you make all the sacrifices? Who's to say she won't come up with more excuses in 10 months?

 

I'd let her make her own choices by moving. If she wants to stay in touch and offer some compromises to keep your relationship alive after that, then there's your answer. If not, then you dodged a bullet, and there's your answer. Either way, you win if you go where you'll be happy.

Thats a very good point. This is why I came here! Thanks all for the outside perspective insight.

Had a short talk with her last night mentioning how I remain unhappy here and don't really think I can do much more. Her response was supportive, with a snarky "you're such a city wimp" comment.

Had a short talk with her last night mentioning how I remain unhappy here and don't really think I can do much more. Her response was supportive, with a snarky "you're such a city wimp" comment.

What was the supportive part?

“Go West, young man, go West. There is health in the country, and room away from our crowds of idlers and imbeciles." "That," I said, "is very frank advice, but it is medicine easier given than taken. It is a wide country, but I do not know just where to go." "It is all room away from the pavements.”

— Josiah Bushnell Grinnell

i would move. who knows what might happen if you stay? become miserable.. maybe even a fallout with your gf and then what? i'd rather be happy and single somewhere i enjoy.

I guess I am the odd ball here. I don't think waiting 10 months is asking too much. She is "stucK" due to her work situation.

What about a Colorado mountain town? What kind of work would you do?

Well I can see her point aswell. She has to stay for work for another 10 months and she has known you for 2 months. If she like she's life in her home town then moving with a guy after 2 months is a massive commitment. That already shows that she is into you. I think it is unfair to say she doesnt compromise.

If you think that staying there will be bad for your me to health then you should leave. Talk about the possibility of trying long distance. If she doesn't want to try that then you are not compatible.

Also you have known each other for 2 months so you are still in honeymoon phase but you are talking about massive moves. Can't really blame her for wanting to stay at her work commitment tabtbcould provide her security. It's only been a short time.