marriage/ seperate time

Ok so been with my wife for 9 years now, we have a pretty good relationship id say, we have a 20 month old baby boy and a 7 week old girl. The last month my wife has felt like she is bored with her life and is stuck home, and that I go to work and that I can go and do my music things (im a musician) such as gigs etc which is possibly once a month..

So the other day she mentioned about being bored with her life and that she wants a change, and that I get all the time out with my shows, visiting friends etc. so now im feeling guilty and bad,

1. Is this normal with 2 children esp a newborn?

2. How can I still go out/ but help her to go out more aswell?

She says her highlights are going out to her mums for tea, which we do often any advice?

I've never had a kid but I imagine it's normal. She's been trapped with a hyper needy infant, probably sleep deprived, and honestly probably lonely.

If you have the money for it, I think it would be super sweet to get her a private spa day and then maybe round up some of her girl friends and have them go to dinner together.

I think she means it in a sarcastic way the highlight is going to mum for tea - as in that's the most exciting thing she actually gets to do.

She takes care of two babies all day. Sometimes when you get home you need to care for the kids so she can feel human too. She needs time to herself to go do something.

Do you HAVE to go out? Can you not stay home and help her with the kids for a while? It's not easy for any mother of a newborn to "get to go out" - the newborn needs her pretty much 24/7 and there is no time to "go out". If you try reversing the roles, just for one week, you'll soon see what it's all about - maybe give it a try so as to get a better understanding of what she's going through.

Well, it's good she is expressing herself. If she has some lady friends, encourage her to see them on occasion while you watch the kids. That, and schedule some date nights with her. Hopefully that will help. She will likely resent you getting out and not her - which will only get worse if not dealt with.

Yes, this is perfectly normal, she is trapped at home with two small children who are demanding all the time and you are going out when you really should be coming home and helping her, but don't want to give that up to help her. It seems to me that this question indicates that you think she is supposed to be completely fulfilled and happy taking care of two very small children full time and you should be free to do as you please and you don't understand why things aren't working out that way. You need to rethink your priorities. She DEFINITELY needs a break from the children and time to do her own thing and while hiring a sitter is helpful, you also need to be stepping in and parenting. Remember, children come with two parents (often) and that means two people should be looking after them. You aren't doing her a favor by taking care of your children, it is your responsibility.

"So the other day she mentioned about being bored with her life and that she wants a change,.."

You will find husbands in the infidelity section of ena who heard that same line.

While you may not notice her, want to be around her and think she looks a little common..., there are those close by who see her and will bring her that excitement.

You'll cry!

Don't let this happen to you.

Dump the old hobby and start a new one..., her and the kids.

Ps, While spas, dates, gifts, etc., are steps in the right direction, you will still need to treat the bigger underlying problem.

She should try to get out every single day even if for just 45 minutes, even if just to have coffee (with the kids -wear one/one in the stroller or double stroller), find a moms group where they meet at a park or someone's house,etc. Obviously if the kids are sick/bad weather, I get it. Also the local library for story time (yes she can take the newborn typically). I can't relate to her feeling trapped/stuck other than with my child I've felt that way a bit if he's sick and my husband is traveling and then obviously we're "stuck" at home -when he was a baby that could feel isolating, but thankfully he was rarely sick back then (he is almost 8).

if you can afford it get a cleaning person twice a month to free up some of her time and if you can be with your children for an hour or so (not sure what the breastfeeding situation is) then do that and let her go out on her own for whatever she wishes to do. You sound very thoughtful - and I think you two can work something out.

I think it's fine to occasionally do your music gig. Just offer her the opportunity to have her own nights out. And even if not out, then off. My sister went to my mom's with her two kids (one month and 15ish months). Now granted, I don't have much sympathy for mothers who wanted to have a baby and a toddler like that. Kinda like me getting a job as a garbage man and then being surprised if I get **** on me. Anyway, she was stressed and I told her to take the afternoon off and I'd get her if it was an emergency. She came back downstairs after like a 5 hour nap happy as a clam.

I had 2 babies in 2 years and although I loved being a mother to 2 boys, emotionally it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I can cope not having time to myself, but it sure starts to grate after a while. Watching my partner leave the house to his friends while I sat there with 2 babies hanging off me, covered in puke and hadn't showered for days certainly made me feel lonely and unappreciated.

Looking at Facebook reminded me of how much I actually had no life and no friends anymore.. etc. Not to mention the added hormonal differences immediately after a newborn and during breastfeeding months.

It is a recipe for depression and anxiety.. i learned the hard way.

The best advice I can give is just offer support and help wherever you can. When you come home from work, give her an hour to get showered or pamper herself.. or even just to take care of her basic human needs.

On your days off, get the kids packed up and accompany her to the mall to buy herself something nice and for the day out, just get her out of the house so she doesn't feel like she's cooped up in a box 24/7.

My 'day out' is to the grocery store, it feels depressing and even worse to know that I don't have a partner who gives a rats ass.

My youngest is 8 months now and it's slowly getting better, but this past year has been tough.. and it would have been a lot better knowing that I had a partner who cared enough to ask what I needed here and there. After all, they aren't just the mothers children.

I think it's fine to occasionally do your music gig. Just offer her the opportunity to have her own nights out. And even if not out, then off. My sister went to my mom's with her two kids (one month and 15ish months). Now granted, I don't have much sympathy for mothers who wanted to have a baby and a toddler like that. Kinda like me getting a job as a garbage man and then being surprised if I get **** on me. Anyway, she was stressed and I told her to take the afternoon off and I'd get her if it was an emergency. She came back downstairs after like a 5 hour nap happy as a clam.

Nothing prepares you for life with two babies. You expect hard word, tiredness, some boredom. What you don't expect is the feeling of...a loss of self? It's hard to describe and I'm sure it doesn't happen to all mothers. Having one child is nice, it's not too hard and a pleasure too. But having two close together like that, No-one is prepared for how different that is, I certainly wasn't. Going out becomes very difficult, activities becomes very expensive, less people are willing to mind two babies, babysitter more expensive, non stop work. If we're going to compare motherhood and garbage men, then having one baby is the garbage man getting getting dirty, having two babies is like being he fell into the garbage truck everyday- not what you expect!!

Nothing prepares you for life with two babies. You expect hard word, tiredness, some boredom. What you don't expect is the feeling of...a loss of self? It's hard to describe and I'm sure it doesn't happen to all mothers. Having one child is nice, it's not too hard and a pleasure too. But having two close together like that, No-one is prepared for how different that is, I certainly wasn't. Going out becomes very difficult, activities becomes very expensive, less people are willing to mind two babies, babysitter more expensive, non stop work. If we're going to compare motherhood and garbage men, then having one baby is the garbage man getting getting dirty, having two babies is like being he fell into the garbage truck everyday- not what you expect!!

Nothing prepares you for life with two babies. You expect hard word, tiredness, some boredom. What you don't expect is the feeling of...a loss of self? It's hard to describe and I'm sure it doesn't happen to all mothers. Having one child is nice, it's not too hard and a pleasure too. But having two close together like that, No-one is prepared for how different that is, I certainly wasn't. Going out becomes very difficult, activities becomes very expensive, less people are willing to mind two babies, babysitter more expensive, non stop work. If we're going to compare motherhood and garbage men, then having one baby is the garbage man getting getting dirty, having two babies is like being he fell into the garbage truck everyday- not what you expect!!

I think there is bias on both sides. I have one and my friend has 3 children under 5. She routinely tells me when I ask "how do you do it" that she doesn't think it's a good comparison as far as number of kids - she does not think her life is harder than mine at all -first, it's all hard, and second it depends on the individual child -whether the child is typically developing, the amount of help from family (or none at all really as in my case, although not their fault!!), the type of parenting, parenting approaches, finances, etc. I do think from the outside 2 look harder especially close in age but I commend my friend, the mom of 3 for continuously and genuinely pointing out that you cannot really compare and it makes little sense to as far as the amount of work.

This morning I got an hour of focused work done while my child played with his Pokemon cards. Yesterday we spent an hour getting through an almost meltdown in public about Pokemon cards and another hour plus dealing with his reaction to the consequences of his bad choices. For example. It's unpredictable (not complaining, it just is). That's just a recent example . I love being a mom -did it full time for the first 7.5 years, now part time working for the last 4 months. But no the "it's not too hard" has nothing to do with being a parent of a young child (or teenager I bet!) just because he's an only.

Reminds me of when I was single and working 60 plus hours at an intense unpredictable career and the number of comments I got from married moms about how fun/easy my life was since I was single and had no kids. In hindsight my crazy hours and unpredictable schedule made parenting a lot more tolerable and manageable and less of a surprise. It's all about perspective and some nice stereotypes/cliches thrown in.

I do agree that with multiple children there are practicalities that make it harder if the person has no outside resources such as sitters lined up, family, cooperative weather even. I think in the OP's case there should be a lot more focus on what resources are available (maybe not many but it's not clear that that has been fully explored.)

I did not experience a loss of self when I became a Mom -it was the opposite if anything. I can relate though to reacting to parenthood with a whole range of emotions and how important it is to support the parent in understanding that it's ok and if it doesn't feel ok to find ways to support and speak to a professional if needed. I suspect the OP's wife might have a touch of post partum.

All you can do is revive the romance. She's lonely and overwhelmed. She wants an adult to talk to and listen.

She needs a break to feel like a woman, not just mom all day. Text her romantic things if you can't be there.

Leave the kiddies with friends, grandparents, a babysitter, etc. and take her out on date nights. Do stuff like stay home and cuddle on the couch and talk etc. She wants your company and feels envious that you are free to do what you want, have fun be around adults etc.

Provide with some of that and some of the stuff you did when you were first dating so she feels like a wife/woman not just a mommy all the time..

All you can do is revive the romance. She's lonely and overwhelmed. She wants an adult to talk to and listen.

 

She needs a break to feel like a woman, not just mom all day. Text her romantic things if you can't be there.

 

Leave the kiddies with friends, grandparents, a babysitter, etc. and take her out on date nights. Do stuff like stay home and cuddle on the couch and talk etc. She wants your company and feels envious that you are free to do what you want, have fun be around adults etc.

 

Provide with some of that and some of the stuff you did when you were first dating so she feels like a wife/woman not just a mommy all the time..

I wouldn't leave the newborn with a sitter yet and romantic texts are nice but she need me-time/ as someone else wrote - not even to leave the house - just solitude within the house. It's awesome when I can eat a meal alone or go shopping alone. But his heart is in the right place and he just has to ask her what kind of time she needs and when and what would help - and to be ready to make suggestions about taking care of his children so she can take a long shower or whatever. She may be so overwhelmed she doesn't even know. And it is a good time to curtail going out at night - with a newborn sometimes night and day are the same but that is likely when she feels the most tired and vulnerable.