fiance got a lapdance?

so weve been together 3 years hes a lovely guy and we are very close, he went out at the weekend for drinks with his brother then tells me he had a lapdance in a strip club, now.....im not a prude I know guys will look I have no problem with him looking at porn or even going into a strip club and looking at the ladies but this I find a step too far and the one on one aspect of him sitting there with just her sexy dancing for him and him lusting after her has hurt me to the core, he has admitted it was a mistake and said sorry but the whole thing has just made me feel terrible, insecure and jealous and I don't really know where to go from here.....

so weve been together 3 years hes a lovely guy and we are very close, he went out at the weekend for drinks with his brother then tells me he had a lapdance in a strip club, now.....im not a prude I know guys will look I have no problem with him looking at porn or even going into a strip club and looking at the ladies but this I find a step too far and the one on one aspect of him sitting there with just her sexy dancing for him and him lusting after her has hurt me to the core, he has admitted it was a mistake and said sorry but the whole thing has just made me feel terrible, insecure and jealous and I don't really know where to go from here.....

Are you sure `he lusted after her'?

Starlight.

Folks sometimes do crazy stuff on a night out drinking.

If he was half-shot at the time he was probably just goggle-eyed by it all. Truly.

isn't that obvious else why would he pay for her to dance for just him??

As long as it's not a habit. He gets it. He realized it upset you. He apologized. Keep in mind this has nothing to do with attraction whatsoever, it's about getting aroused, getting a rise that's it. There is no emotion at all...most of this is below the belt.

he has admitted it was a mistake and said sorry.

Starlight, you know, guys egging each other on.....daring each other.

It happens.

Guys night...drinking I'm sure...him just being out with the guys and acting like a guy. If this sort of thing is too much for you, that's perfectly fine for you to have that boundary. It's been set and now he knows not to cross it again. I know you didn't like it, but this wasn't the end of the world, and you'll get past this.

exactly tho, is it not enough that he has me at home to keep him satisfied in that dept I feel like its a smite on me

isn't that obvious else why would he pay for her to dance for just him??

peer pressure maybe.

How long have you two been together?

He could have very well done it and didn't like it either.

If my fiance did that id be really hurt too.

It's two completely different things. He loves and respects you, those are just erotic entertainers.

3 years weve been together and only engaged since valentines this year

Starlight.

You and a lapdancer are two entirely different things. Don't compare yourself.

He said it was a mistake and apologised.

I'm by no means a puritan, but I'd probably draw the line at physical contact myself. Thing is strip clubs and lap dances are things that I think are often enough considered acceptable (albeit in moderation) that it's a boundary that should be stated rather than implied.

I think it's fine for you to be hurt, but I'd cut him some slack this once, and I certainly wouldn't take it personally. Chances are he'd had a few and wouldn't have been able to discern if it were Christina Hendrickson or Betty White on his lap.

wiseman, how can I not think that he found something about her more attractive than me? is this not a slippery slope to cheating....

Again, everyone takes a different view of these episodes.

All I know is that if went to a club and a male lap-dancer danced for me, my husband would laugh himself into a collapse.

Listen to me Starlight, carefully.

This is not a slippery slope to cheating. Just an episode on a drinking night out. As I said above do NOT compare yourself.......

it only happened Saturday night I was really upset and after he apologised I tried to leave it at that but last night I actually had nightmares about it and thought today why should I pretend I'm ok when I feel really hurt so I told him so and weve been fighting about it since, thing is he turned and said that if I cant get over it then maybe we should call it a day?? so now ive taken that to mean he maybe wants to split....argh its such a mess now

Starlight, try to calm down. It was a meaningless moment. Those sorts of moments usually are. L.

After all, he didn't take up there and then with the lap-dancer and elope with her, did he? She had no interest in him (beyond her fee), and he had no interest in her beyond that moment.

exactly tho, is it not enough that he has me at home to keep him satisfied in that dept I feel like its a smite on me

Have you ever hear the expression "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat your meals at home?"

I don't fully subscribe to that in every instance, but it's important to understand that at times he will find other women attractive, just as you'll be attracted to other men. It's normal. We're human. That's no slippery slope to cheating. It's fine that you didn't like this, but you are really starting to blow this way out of proportion. I'm crazy about my girlfriend and as attracted to her as can be but I could completely see myself doing something like this if I were out with the guys and full of whiskey and beer. It wouldn't be any kind of reflection on her or how I feel about her. Please stop taking this so personally. It's over and done with.

wiseman, how can I not think that he found something about her more attractive than me? is this not a slippery slope to cheating....

I just cant get my head around why he did it, it must have been because he wanted to esp to hand money over

however stupid it sounds its made me feel that I must not be enough, I feel betrayed

Starlight.

He did it because I am betting he was well lit up at the time, maybe he was dared to do it, you never know. With a few drinks on board....well you know.

Oh Lordy. WHY are you comparing yourself to a dancer he saw for a couple of minutes.

Hermes, because if he loves me like he says then why even think about another woman as far as paying good money to have her dance with him surely if he was happy with me he wouldn't want to do that??

however stupid it sounds its made me feel that I must not be enough, I feel betrayed

I might understand the betrayed part (for you) But feeling like you are not enough (compared to a stripper) is your own self esteem talking.

You shouldn't be that easily threatened by someone else.

It's human nature to look and even admire at times. It's the touching that crosses the line.