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Thread: Grandparents that disregard the wishes of parents

  1. #1
    Victoria66
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    Grandparents that disregard the wishes of parents

    Once again it seems I am in a battle against my in-laws regarding my son. In his past visit, we allowed him to stay for two days which she agreed to and then she tried to circumvent the plan we had made when we got there, to yet again have her way. My husband told her basically she had to stick to the agreement and we did not plan by bring more clothes and such for him to stay another 3 days in town. It is also not like she would wash the existing clothes either so that idea is out. So my husband told her no.

    While he was at the visit with them she shut me down on talking to him on two occasions when I had simple questions. I wanted to ask him when they were leaving for a trip to another city and she told him to say good night to me and did not answer me.

    In the morning I called him and asked he have his cell phone on him so I could be sure he was ok because there was an extreme heat warning. She took his phone from him turned it off and put it in her purse. That phone is for HIS security, it is also HIS personal property.

    She is really making me mad with her trying to circumvent my rights as a parent to be sure my son is ok. How can I tell her in a very strong way she won't mistake that she needs to back off and she is not within her rights to do what she did. She does not get around the bush nice ways of saying something because I have tried to 23 years to do that. I am at the end of my tether with them. I do not want to cause a fight with my husband though, but I want to tell her in no uncertain terms that she does not decide the rules for our child.

  2. #2
    DN

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    She is wrong but I also think you should not turn this into a war but try diplomacy first. Don't let anger turn you combative.

  3. #3
    CatsMeeoow
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    I completely understand your anger....

    Ask yourself this... is she at least capable of making sure your son is safe and fed? Of course, he may not be the happiest the camper but he isn't being neglected (in the sense of the law)? I have the very same conflicts with my son's dad... and when it gets me angry (and at some point in the year it usually does) I have to remind myself that even if my son is unhappy and miserable he is safe and fed and out of harms way.

    So he only has two days with them right? And, if I remember he won't be visiting for another year correct? If he is safe and fed I would just cuss under my breath... vent to every nearby person the nerve of this woman but rather than make an issue with someone who would not even remotely get the point I'd let it go... I'd count the hours till my son was home and everyone could move on from this.

    HUGS!

  4. #4
    Victoria66
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    I don't know what to do DN. I really don't. They pull this every time no matter what I say or do. I talked to my husband and he said I was perfectly right to be angry about it and his mother was wrong. We are his parents and she is not.

    I am not sure what to do that will diplomatic but that she will get through her thick head.

  5. #5
    Victoria66
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    Thanks Cats,

    Yeah, I did not say anything yet to her first because I wanted to think about it. He saw them every 2 weeks with us when we were at home and he sees them about every 2 months now with us because we have moved about 3 to 4 hours away. He sees them once a year by himself though, you are right.

    Yeah, I moaned to my mom about it.

  6. #6
    DN

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    Well, you have a right to be angry but is that helping? Anger is a secondary emotion and you need to figure out what it is that is making you angry and whether everything she is doing is so wrong.

    You want to be in touch via cell phone at all times when he is with them. Why? Are they incapable of looking after him? Don't you see how insulting that is to them? They should respect your wishes but you have to make sure that your wishes are reasonable and that it is not just "I am his mother and that makes me right regardless" attitude because they aren't going to be convinced by that- they have been parents themselves after all. That is what I mean by starting a war.

  7. #7
    Victoria66
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    I am angry because I found their parenting to be questionable at best, also because she endangered my son's life in the heat when he was 19 months old and he almost ended up hospitalized. I was away on an army course and my mother had him for 6 weeks. My mom thought it would be great that he saw them for a day. My mother in law took my then 19 month old son for a walk outside at 37C and then did not give him a drink after because " he did not ask for one" was her defense. He had got heat exhaustion and when my mom got him back she had to take him to the hospital so no I do not trust her. My husband also lost 2 pounds in his first month of life because she did not feed him enough till the dr told her. She was no young mother either, she was like 37 when she had my husband. So no I do not trust her.

    I don't think it is unreasonable to call to say good night and ask when they are leaving for somewhere in the morning or to call once to make sure he is ok in 117 weather after what she did to him as a baby.

  8. #8
    CatsMeeoow
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    Thanks Cats,

    Yeah, I did not say anything yet to her first because I wanted to think about it. He saw them every 2 weeks with us when we were at home and he sees them about every 2 months now with us because we have moved about 3 to 4 hours away. He sees them once a year by himself though, you are right.

    Yeah, I moaned to my mom about it.
    I've come to realize that a big part of my issue is accepting my lack of control. I think because we are mothers of single child households who have special needs we are always about creating the best environment for our kids to function in... and because they are our only child we have all our time to devote to it. I know I do way more for my son than perhaps I should... but it's easier for me and well since I don't have other kids to look after... I have to remind myself a lot that I am not always in control - and that's okay. I've worked hard at helping my son get as many skills to help cope when he is at his dad's longer than he would like and it always makes me sad to hear how homesick he is but if I don't help him tough it out I haven't really helped him. I have to accept that there may be a day I'm not here for him any longer. He needs to be able to adapt even though its a much harder process due to autism than for other kids.

    2 days isn't that long... just remind yourself it could have been a week or half the summer!

    HUGS!

  9. #9
    DN

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    OK, well if you are determined to be right then there is little anyone can say that will help ease this situation but I do think it will escalate into something that will help no one, especially your son.

  10. #10
    Victoria66
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    Yes, that is true, part of it is probably my sense of control. You are right too, it could be much worse.

    Hugs.

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