lililiah Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I[25F] have been with my bf[25M] for a bit more than one year. We are a long distance couple but I'm moving to be with him soon. We have the most amazing time together and I learned a lot from being with him. I can really see our future together and everything is great except that he REALLY wants to keep his social media(more like any website you can follow/write like Twitter, Youtube, Reddit, etc..) private from me. We already talked about this since I was very skeptical why he needs to keep it as a secret if he's not doing anything sketchy as he's saying. We ended in a good term, I still don't know his social media but he understands why I felt like he's keeping secrets from me and reassured that he's not hiding anything, it's just his preference. One time, I accidentally found out his Twitch account while watching a stream with him. We had a talk about it and I thought he doesn't really care about me knowing. However, I found out that he made a new account while pretending he's still using the old account. I thought I was over this and I was truly okay with not knowing his internet life but him needing to open a brand new account makes me feel very..weird. One side of me is saying "It's his business and everyone wants their own thing(including myself)" and the other side is saying "Why does he have to do this much to hide things from me". If I'm being 100% honest, I built some distrust because of it and I wish I can talk to him about this but I don't want to keep having the same conversations about the same thing over and over again. Am I overreacting or is it legit to be concerned? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 All I can say is this: As long as you are losing trust, then you have no relationship. You will forever be wondering, needing to know, needing to check up on him in some form or another. It will ever work and drive you crazy. To me, the writing is already on the wall and I can only strongly advise, whatever you do, do NOT move to be with him - not yet, anyway. You MUST sort out ALL issues, no matter how small, before moving from your home to be with him. I think it would be very very foolish to make such a big move when you already have red flags waving all over the place. When in doubt ... DON'T. Without trust, you have nothing. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Define "we have the most amazing time together." On line? Or have you met in person? If you've never met, it's highly likely you are not the only woman he's carrying on with on line and this is why he does not want you to have access to his social media. And it may be likely even if you have met and spent time in person. Making the new account while pretending to only have the old one is extremely deceptive imo. Link to comment
lililiah Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 In person and online too. We both play games so we spend a lot of time together playing games or just talking. We do frequent visits to each other and already met each others families. He showed me his Twitter in person on his will to look at things together and from the interactions we had so far I decided that this is not a big deal and I can trust him on it. My question to Capricorn3 is let's say that I take some time to digest this and I'm okay with it like how I used to be. Should I still bring it up or is it something that I can let go? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I have no interest in being able to access my husband's twitter account. My husband has never asked to access my facebook or linkedin account. It would be bizarre in our relationship if either of us asked the other. But no I would not be comfortable with my spouse/SO having additional secret accounts like that -just would make me uncomfortable. Link to comment
lililiah Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I think what makes me feel weird is not the fact that he want's his privacy, it's the fact that he made a new account and following the same/some new people on it while making it look like he's still using the old one. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I think what makes me feel weird is not the fact that he want's his privacy, it's the fact that he made a new account and following the same/some new people on it while making it look like he's still using the old one. I have no need to be into any of my husband's computer stuff nor does he have any to be in mine but your boyfriend sounds sketchy in his need to keep all his stuff private from you. Like I said, we have no need (or want) to be in others stuff but if one of us wanted to be, neither of us would give a *&%+*. Your boyfriend goes out of his way to make sure you can't follow him even... to me that is odd. Like Capricorn has mentioned... if you can't trust him (I understand why you can't) then maybe you're with the wrong man.??? Link to comment
indea08 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous. The internet is anything but private, so if this is a matter of “privacy”, I call bullsh*t. If he didn’t want you to have his passwords to log into his accounts, that’s one thing. But not even letting you see his page that is posted on the internet?? That’s absurd, and deceptive, and I would not be interested in pursuing something with so much secrecy. Link to comment
superfan Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Just to clarify, are you able to see his feeds at all? Is he not adding you as a Facebook friend or follower on Twitter etc? Or did he add you and you want access to his passwords etc.? If it's the first one I would find that very suspicious. Especially if he is going out of his way to create fake accounts. Anyone that does that definitely has something to hide. I would walk away if it was me. If he just won't give you his passwords then that is another thing entirely. Link to comment
lililiah Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 What I meant by "private" is meaning that I don't know what his account is at all. I don't know his username or id so I don't even know his page. He doesn't have facebook but he activated it once to show me his old pictures and stuff. I personally don't need or want his password to anything and have no interest in any of his online activities because I simply don't care enough. This only caught my attention because he was being so secretive about it. Link to comment
indea08 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Clearly you have feelings about it or you wouldn’t be here. If you’re comfortable, sit on this situation for awhile, see how things go but keep your eyes open. Just know that if this an issue or dealbreaker for you, you’re not being unreasonable, as many people would find this unnecessarily secretive. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 If a bf of mine had secret accounts that he specifically hides from me I would be gone. I dont snoop, I dont want passwords, I dont need to know the ins & outs, but I would be pretty p*ssed if he was intentionally hiding things from me Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 My husband only has a nominal facebook and if he had any account that I couldn't be part of or secret accounts that would not be ok. I wouldn't dream of having those - because, well, we have nothing to hide of course. Link to comment
Never after Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 My ex had secret accounts & also would not let me see nor friend him on any social media during our relationship... Turns out he was cheating during most of our 7 Yrs together. If there's no trust there's no relationship ... Wish I had known then what I know now... if it walks like a duck.... Link to comment
j.man Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 While I actually think it's fine for him to have that corner that's his, even to the extent he's got a Twitch account he doesn't have to worry about you peeping in on, it does seem to be a bit extreme if he really is expressly avoiding you having access to any and all of his social media presence. On the other side of the token, it always concerns me a bit when someone would uproot their life and move to be with someone pretty much ever, never mind a single year into dating them long-distance. While he's being exceptionally secretive, with such a person who would pick up and move like this, I do wonder if there's not a question of whether the chicken or the egg came first. What kind of expectations of time and access do you have with him? Have you two ever had disagreements or argued over matters that would prompt him to be more assertive with his privacy? Link to comment
Annia Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Not wanting to give passwords: perfectly fine and normal Not wanting you to even know his social media and creating secret accounts once you find the one he uses: weird and sketchy. Link to comment
lililiah Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 He told me that his only social media is Twitter, which he only uses to follow up on gaming and sports news and talk to some of his online gaming friends. He does not post selfies or make the account associated with real himself, kind of like how we are all talking anonymously here. To some extent I understand why he feels uncomfortable sharing it with me because I've used Twitter in a very similar manner before and I didn't want anyone to know about it. Not because I was doing something sketchy but it was a part of me that I wanted to keep it to myself. Other than this online account issue he never kept things from me or lied to me before. When we are together in person, sometimes he shows me his Twitter feed or leaves his phone unlocked(even I don't do that) knowing that I wouldn't snoop around. All these little things and how he treats me made me trust him on it even though his preference seems a bit too extreme. He even admitted that this is a bit too much for other people to understand when we talked about the issue before. I almost wish I never found out his Twitch account because I wasn't interested in it to begin with and now him making the second account just makes me wonder if he's hiding other big things from me. As indea08 said earlier, I think I need some time to digest this and see what I want to do. Clearly I'm thinking about this the first thing in the morning so..I think I need some time. Also, I decided to move closer to him because I'm used to moving to different cities and don't have much attachment to where I live now. I do agree maybe it is a bit too early to make such a big life decision with someone that I only dated LD for one year. However, I thought for me to give this a real chance I need to physically be with him in daily basis and see the relationship dynamic. Link to comment
Iggy5129 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I would bet money that he has other girls locally or online like you. This is really sketchy. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 He told me that his only social media is Twitter, I almost wish I never found out his Twitch account Uhm... be glad that you did. Sketchy is as sketchy does. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Also, I decided to move closer to him because I'm used to moving to different cities and don't have much attachment to where I live now. I do agree maybe it is a bit too early to make such a big life decision with someone that I only dated LD for one year. However, I thought for me to give this a real chance I need to physically be with him in daily basis and see the relationship dynamic. BIG BIG BIG mistake. With all the red flags waving in your face, your very clear lack of trust, and then you STILL intend moving to him?? Girl, you're heading for disaster and a lot of hurt and unhappiness .... and even worse, you're doing it with your eyes wide open. I have no words..... Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 If the move would make sense for you in other ways - better career prospects, better social life, better amenities/whatever - go for it. If you would rather be there than where you are now - even if you weren't in a relationship with him - go for it. If you have a clear game plan if the relationship doesn't work out, and it's better than the life you have now - go for it. Otherwise, if you'd be dependent on him for anything, stay put and don't make that move. This relationship is far too uncertain to be a secure basis for, well, anything really! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 If the move would make sense for you in other ways - better career prospects, better social life, better amenities/whatever - go for it. If you would rather be there than where you are now - even if you weren't in a relationship with him - go for it. If you have a clear game plan if the relationship doesn't work out, and it's better than the life you have now - go for it. Otherwise, if you'd be dependent on him for anything, stay put and don't make that move. This relationship is far too uncertain to be a secure basis for, well, anything really! I second this entire post on all points. Great post. Link to comment
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